What's on your mind?
Replies
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A couple of little girls and their sweet mom(former daycare family) just stopped outside my house; I was able to see their beautiful happy little faces for a few minutes and it made my whole day.
Miss them so much. 4 -
I am straddling the thin line between severe depression and a desire to become more than I am or ever will be.
Knowing that I can never escape either only cements the depression I feel in every fiber of my being.
The dreary weather the last two days probably has not helped.9 -
Just realized that I have/may have a thing for beards with a hint of grey hair. But, like, just 3 or 4 unruly ones. This may require future research in 2021.
Sidenote: As a child, I also used to pluck my cousin's off-colored hair from her scalp whenever we had sleepovers so...correlation or predictive behavior? 🤷🏾♀️
Good to know that beards with gray arent all that bad to some. I shaved mine off because i wasnt sure about the gray....
I LOVE beards with grey.3 -
My dad is 76. He had his first heart attack in his 40s, and was forced into retiring early and going in disability due to heart disease. He got a pacemaker at 46 because his heart just won't beat consistently on his own. (it literally only beats on its own volition about 12x a min). He's had multiple heart attacks. He's on his 3rd pacemaker. He's on his second defibrillator. He's had hernia surgery, brain surgery, and a couple of mini strokes. His left side is largely useless and he drags his leg most times because it's numb.
The docs have been amazed at his will to live and have all been shocked that he's still fighting. Today I took him to the hospital because he's now struggling to breathe. He's been released and diagnosed with COPD on top of everything else.
On the ride home he started crying. He's tired of fighting. He's tired of being broken in so many ways. He was always the strong capable one and now he feels the opposite... And he's just so tired of feeling like an invalid. He has always been a proud man and he hates that his baby girl has had to help him get dressed after having an accident. And helps him walk because he can't on his own.
The brokenness I saw today scares me more than the COPD. I love my dad so much. I know we have been gifted so many more years than any of us expected... But I'm scared that his will to live is giving out.
I don't blame him. I get it. But I feel selfish in wanting more time with him.
I'm supposed to go workout. And I'm sitting here, just worrying about my dad and totally not wanting to pick myself up off the floor and get to work.11 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I am straddling the thin line between severe depression and a desire to become more than I am or ever will be.
Knowing that I can never escape either only cements the depression I feel in every fiber of my being.
The dreary weather the last two days probably has not helped.
https://youtu.be/UzSTJFSUqdU
Sent to you @KosmosKitten with nothing but love for you and your struggles3 -
@KickassAmazon76
Oh dear lady, one of the hardest things in the world is watching someone you love so much deteriorate before your eyes. I have no wise words that will help. Just know I'll be praying for you and your sweet dad. We forget that our 'once strong and healthy' parents are human beings, with feelings and emotions and needs; when we see them as scared and frightened as we are, it hurts and scares us to our own core.
I'm so glad he has you and you have him. As heart-breaking as this is for you, you are his lifeline and his love right now.
Wish I could give you real hugs because you definitely could use someone to lean on.
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@Kosmoskitten Every single day is filled with ups and downs; having depression makes it worse because you can't predict which day it's going to become. And so many of those good suggestions 'journal, walk, eat for health, sleep, avoid caffeine, etc., etc.' can only do so much.
The only thing that has helped me keep a somewhat even mood has been medication. Without it, I have no clue where I'd be right now. If you haven't been on any meds., are you willing to try them? Or counseling? You don't have to answer, just asking.
It's such a damn hard road to travel because a lot of people don't understand if they don't experience it for themselves and it makes you feel completely alone and helpless.
Keep hanging in there, stay strong and courageous and do what you can when you can. I know you've been taking walks and hope that that is helping. Taking that 1st step is difficult when those feelings of 'why bother' appear.
One foot in front of another.
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@KickassAmazon76
Oh dear lady, one of the hardest things in the world is watching someone you love so much deteriorate before your eyes. I have no wise words that will help. Just know I'll be praying for you and your sweet dad. We forget that our 'once strong and healthy' parents are human beings, with feelings and emotions and needs; when we see them as scared and frightened as we are, it hurts and scares us to our own core. I'm so glad he has you and you have him. As heart-breaking as this is for you, you are his lifeline and his love right now.
Wish I could give you real hugs because you definitely could use someone to lean on.
Thank you. For everything. Especially the hugs. On days like these, sometimes it's really hard to have no one present to physically lean on. ❤️ (I try to shelter my kids from my fears, to some extent).
Thank you for being such a sweet lady. ❤️5 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I am straddling the thin line between severe depression and a desire to become more than I am or ever will be.
Knowing that I can never escape either only cements the depression I feel in every fiber of my being.
The dreary weather the last two days probably has not helped.
I wish I had words to fix this. I know that some days the hole feels too deep to climb out of, and some days it looks shallow, but gravity feels heavier and its keeping you down. The cloudy days and colder weather do not help. 😔
When the days are darkest, do you have any small joys that you can focus on? Any little things that can comfort you? For me... Sitting on the floor in the corner of the kitchen by the heater... It's a small thing, but it warms me up (literally and figuratively) and it's physical contact on a few sides. It's not much, but the comfort and familiarity does help.
A purring kitten is also proven therapy.
And the love of friends... Which is here for you in spades.
I cannot change this for you, but I can sit beside you and keep you company. And send you lots of love from me and my furbabies ❤️2 -
@Kosmoskitten Every single day is filled with ups and downs; having depression makes it worse because you can't predict which day it's going to become. And so many of those good suggestions 'journal, walk, eat for health, sleep, avoid caffeine, etc., etc.' can only do so much.
The only thing that has helped me keep a somewhat even mood has been medication. Without it, I have no clue where I'd be right now. If you haven't been on any meds., are you willing to try them? Or counseling? You don't have to answer, just asking.
It's such a damn hard road to travel because a lot of people don't understand if they don't experience it for themselves and it makes you feel completely alone and helpless.
Keep hanging in there, stay strong and courageous and do what you can when you can. I know you've been taking walks and hope that that is helping. Taking that 1st step is difficult when those feelings of 'why bother' appear.
One foot in front of another.
Yesterday on my walk, I was overcome by such a profound sadness that tears were falling as I walked. I cannot explain what brought it on (as I do not know), but I was consumed with such an overwhelming and dark desire to just end my time on this planet. It wasn't brought on by anything that I can recall. Sure, bad things have happened this year and they've been tough to deal with, but this just blindsided me. Thoughts that dark and suicidal have not graced me with their presence since I was 20.
Those things you suggest are great things to practice, but for a person with crippling depression not governed by anything actually going on in their lives, it can be hard to practice consistently.
As far as medication, I've been on various forms over the years, but they either taper off after about a year or they have such negative side-effects that I stop taking them. It is the same for anxiety medication; some are okay and do well for a time, but taper off and stop working or the side-effect is that I feel like an emotionless robot or that I can't breathe.. or that I can't feel anything physically/sexually (which is really disconcerting if it's never happened to you). I might have to look into going back onto some form of them though as I don't think upping my Vitamin D and B Complex + walking + food logging is consistently working.
I do feel as though there's just something fundamentally wrong with me. That I'm less than human because I can't just will or power my way through my issue. I'm mostly just trudging along, trying to stay afloat.5 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »@Kosmoskitten Every single day is filled with ups and downs; having depression makes it worse because you can't predict which day it's going to become. And so many of those good suggestions 'journal, walk, eat for health, sleep, avoid caffeine, etc., etc.' can only do so much.
The only thing that has helped me keep a somewhat even mood has been medication. Without it, I have no clue where I'd be right now. If you haven't been on any meds., are you willing to try them? Or counseling? You don't have to answer, just asking.
It's such a damn hard road to travel because a lot of people don't understand if they don't experience it for themselves and it makes you feel completely alone and helpless.
Keep hanging in there, stay strong and courageous and do what you can when you can. I know you've been taking walks and hope that that is helping. Taking that 1st step is difficult when those feelings of 'why bother' appear.
One foot in front of another.
Yesterday on my walk, I was overcome by such a profound sadness that tears were falling as I walked. I cannot explain what brought it on (as I do not know), but I was consumed with such an overwhelming and dark desire to just end my time on this planet. It wasn't brought on by anything that I can recall. Sure, bad things have happened this year and they've been tough to deal with, but this just blindsided me. Thoughts that dark and suicidal have not graced me with their presence since I was 20.
Those things you suggest are great things to practice, but for a person with crippling depression not governed by anything actually going on in their lives, it can be hard to practice consistently.
As far as medication, I've been on various forms over the years, but they either taper off after about a year or they have such negative side-effects that I stop taking them. It is the same for anxiety medication; some are okay and do well for a time, but taper off and stop working or the side-effect is that I feel like an emotionless robot or that I can't breathe.. or that I can't feel anything physically/sexually (which is really disconcerting if it's never happened to you). I might have to look into going back onto some form of them though as I don't think upping my Vitamin D and B Complex + walking + food logging is consistently working.
I do feel as though there's just something fundamentally wrong with me. That I'm less than human because I can't just will or power my way through my issue. I'm mostly just trudging along, trying to stay afloat.
Hugs hon. When you're at this point, wouldn't counseling help? Please, please, try.... this will pass. You just need to find the key. Continue the search, you are so worth it.2 -
snowflake954 wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »@Kosmoskitten Every single day is filled with ups and downs; having depression makes it worse because you can't predict which day it's going to become. And so many of those good suggestions 'journal, walk, eat for health, sleep, avoid caffeine, etc., etc.' can only do so much.
The only thing that has helped me keep a somewhat even mood has been medication. Without it, I have no clue where I'd be right now. If you haven't been on any meds., are you willing to try them? Or counseling? You don't have to answer, just asking.
It's such a damn hard road to travel because a lot of people don't understand if they don't experience it for themselves and it makes you feel completely alone and helpless.
Keep hanging in there, stay strong and courageous and do what you can when you can. I know you've been taking walks and hope that that is helping. Taking that 1st step is difficult when those feelings of 'why bother' appear.
One foot in front of another.
Yesterday on my walk, I was overcome by such a profound sadness that tears were falling as I walked. I cannot explain what brought it on (as I do not know), but I was consumed with such an overwhelming and dark desire to just end my time on this planet. It wasn't brought on by anything that I can recall. Sure, bad things have happened this year and they've been tough to deal with, but this just blindsided me. Thoughts that dark and suicidal have not graced me with their presence since I was 20.
Those things you suggest are great things to practice, but for a person with crippling depression not governed by anything actually going on in their lives, it can be hard to practice consistently.
As far as medication, I've been on various forms over the years, but they either taper off after about a year or they have such negative side-effects that I stop taking them. It is the same for anxiety medication; some are okay and do well for a time, but taper off and stop working or the side-effect is that I feel like an emotionless robot or that I can't breathe.. or that I can't feel anything physically/sexually (which is really disconcerting if it's never happened to you). I might have to look into going back onto some form of them though as I don't think upping my Vitamin D and B Complex + walking + food logging is consistently working.
I do feel as though there's just something fundamentally wrong with me. That I'm less than human because I can't just will or power my way through my issue. I'm mostly just trudging along, trying to stay afloat.
Hugs hon. When you're at this point, wouldn't counseling help? Please, please, try.... this will pass. You just need to find the key. Continue the search, you are so worth it.
I might consider it again, honestly. I haven't had the best of luck with therapy, but that's due to a conflict of personality between myself an whoever the therapist happens to be.
Depends on who/what I can get access to, given my area and all the Covid related stuff, which has shut down a lot of places in my area (rising cases again).3 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »@Kosmoskitten Every single day is filled with ups and downs; having depression makes it worse because you can't predict which day it's going to become. And so many of those good suggestions 'journal, walk, eat for health, sleep, avoid caffeine, etc., etc.' can only do so much.
The only thing that has helped me keep a somewhat even mood has been medication. Without it, I have no clue where I'd be right now. If you haven't been on any meds., are you willing to try them? Or counseling? You don't have to answer, just asking.
It's such a damn hard road to travel because a lot of people don't understand if they don't experience it for themselves and it makes you feel completely alone and helpless.
Keep hanging in there, stay strong and courageous and do what you can when you can. I know you've been taking walks and hope that that is helping. Taking that 1st step is difficult when those feelings of 'why bother' appear.
One foot in front of another.
Yesterday on my walk, I was overcome by such a profound sadness that tears were falling as I walked. I cannot explain what brought it on (as I do not know), but I was consumed with such an overwhelming and dark desire to just end my time on this planet. It wasn't brought on by anything that I can recall. Sure, bad things have happened this year and they've been tough to deal with, but this just blindsided me. Thoughts that dark and suicidal have not graced me with their presence since I was 20.
Those things you suggest are great things to practice, but for a person with crippling depression not governed by anything actually going on in their lives, it can be hard to practice consistently.
As far as medication, I've been on various forms over the years, but they either taper off after about a year or they have such negative side-effects that I stop taking them. It is the same for anxiety medication; some are okay and do well for a time, but taper off and stop working or the side-effect is that I feel like an emotionless robot or that I can't breathe.. or that I can't feel anything physically/sexually (which is really disconcerting if it's never happened to you). I might have to look into going back onto some form of them though as I don't think upping my Vitamin D and B Complex + walking + food logging is consistently working.
I do feel as though there's just something fundamentally wrong with me. That I'm less than human because I can't just will or power my way through my issue. I'm mostly just trudging along, trying to stay afloat.
How challenging it must be to be feeling this way even when others consider you in such high regard. Our brains aren't kind to us sometimes. 🤗2 -
The stray we're naming Pierre. He's definitely a house cat and not a street cat. All he wants to do all day is get petted and cuddle.8 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »
The stray we're naming Pierre. He's definitely a house cat and not a street cat. All he wants to do all day is get petted and cuddle.
Don’t we all4 -
Sophisticatted_Gentlemanz wrote: »Yoshiboobs wrote: »
The stray we're naming Pierre. He's definitely a house cat and not a street cat. All he wants to do all day is get petted and cuddle.
Don’t we all
And eat chicken3 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »
The stray we're naming Pierre. He's definitely a house cat and not a street cat. All he wants to do all day is get petted and cuddle.
Too cute! Seems like a pretty brilliant stroke of luck to be gifted with such a cute "stray"! 2 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Yoshiboobs wrote: »
The stray we're naming Pierre. He's definitely a house cat and not a street cat. All he wants to do all day is get petted and cuddle.
Too cute! Seems like a pretty brilliant stroke of luck to be gifted with such a cute "stray"!
Lol maybe we stole him idk but I think he was probably recently abandoned. He's skinny and his whiskers are half broken off. He was filthy before we gave him bath and yet he had no fleas. So 🤷🏻♀️ but he likes it here.3 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »Yoshiboobs wrote: »
The stray we're naming Pierre. He's definitely a house cat and not a street cat. All he wants to do all day is get petted and cuddle.
Too cute! Seems like a pretty brilliant stroke of luck to be gifted with such a cute "stray"!
Lol maybe we stole him idk but I think he was probably recently abandoned. He's skinny and his whiskers are half broken off. He was filthy before we gave him bath and yet he had no fleas. So 🤷🏻♀️ but he likes it here.
Ah, a pet rescue angel then?
Either way, you both win. He's a lovely addition to your furry family.I say as I watch our kitten chew on the arm of a computer chair with abandon.
3
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