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Height-ism?

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  • Ddsb11
    Ddsb11 Posts: 607 Member
    edited February 2021
    ythannah wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.

    And this is why we're friends <3

    It just occurred to me that I think you can specify selection criteria on dating sites to narrow your search. So a guy who is 6' tall can search women's profiles with a max height of say 5'8". Of course women could search male profiles with a minimum height of 6' or whatever. And everybody could be missing out on their potential perfect partner just by sorting for superficial criteria.

    I know someone who used to work for Match.com (I think - it was one of those anyway) and she told me their algorithm automatically adjusts for height. It wouldn't match a woman with a shorter man or vice versa, there was some minimum height difference it used I can't remember what it was.

    I can well believe it. Long ago I remember hearing that eHarmony would not give a woman any matches for younger men, but would happily provide matches for men up to 10 - 15 years older. I'm guessing the reverse was true for men.

    WTH!!! Wow. That makes me so upset, especially because my husband is younger, aside from the fact that it’s blatantly sexist! I believe now women and men get to pick their preferred age range online.
  • 33gail33
    33gail33 Posts: 1,155 Member
    ythannah wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.

    And this is why we're friends <3

    It just occurred to me that I think you can specify selection criteria on dating sites to narrow your search. So a guy who is 6' tall can search women's profiles with a max height of say 5'8". Of course women could search male profiles with a minimum height of 6' or whatever. And everybody could be missing out on their potential perfect partner just by sorting for superficial criteria.

    I know someone who used to work for Match.com (I think - it was one of those anyway) and she told me their algorithm automatically adjusts for height. It wouldn't match a woman with a shorter man or vice versa, there was some minimum height difference it used I can't remember what it was.

    I can well believe it. Long ago I remember hearing that eHarmony would not give a woman any matches for younger men, but would happily provide matches for men up to 10 - 15 years older. I'm guessing the reverse was true for men.

    Maybe it even was eHarmony. It was one of those ones that you pay for anyway. Keeping those sexist tropes alive!
  • MarziPanda95
    MarziPanda95 Posts: 1,326 Member
    I prefer my partners (both men and women) to be taller than me. It's just my preference. I wouldn't say absolutely no to someone who was the same height or shorter, though.

    The reverse also happens. Lots of men won't date women taller than them. I'm a 5'7 woman, so above average but not super tall. In heels I'll be more like 5'10. I've met men who are 5'7-5'8 and refused to date me because they wanted a short woman who made them look taller. Hell, my first boyfriend was 6'6, and he said that he almost didn't want to date me because I was taller than his preference! Like what does 5'4 vs 5'7 matter to someone that tall?!
  • Luluetduet8
    Luluetduet8 Posts: 49 Member
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    How old the the people posting that? My friends use to be kind of overt like that. Needless to say, they weren’t looking for a connection of the mind.

    They’ve grown up now, but I definitely remember them going through that. They were also beautiful and I think trying to ward off some people who they felt were “below their league.”

    Ugh saying this all makes me so happy to not be a young twenty something any more.

  • Mellouk89
    Mellouk89 Posts: 469 Member
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
  • wunderkindking
    wunderkindking Posts: 1,615 Member
    edited July 2021
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I'm pretty progressive and I'd say that people are allowed a preference for who they date/have sex with. The problem with race being a qualifier is that it's often couched in a way that is not about them not wanting to DATE someone of that race. In fact I have literally never seen a simple "Not interested in dating/sleeping with someone of X, Y, or Z' race.

    I have seen a whole lot of:
    a-) I don't want to interact or closely associate with someone of X, Y, or Z race, because they are (racist *kitten* here)
    or
    b-) Dating/sleeping with/marrying/having kids with (whatever race) is a problem for OTHER PEOPLE TO DO, implying immorality of doing so.

    But again, not once, have I EVER seen it as a simple statement of aesthetic preferences/attraction. Never.

    Whole lot of people who just date whoever they're attracted to (including race) but the second someone brings it up - even in a dating profile - they start justifying. And when they start justifying they start doing so with some stuff that goes well beyond 'who I am attracted to'
  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,970 Member
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    Keep in mind that there isn't one set of rules for what's socially acceptable. Like you said, progressives might find it unacceptable and give you (royal you, not you personally) grief for it, while conservatives may not. Sexuality can be a big one too with some cultures and religions.

    I guess that means keep your audience in mind when you communicate?
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 31,718 Member
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I don't read (or write) dating profiles, but I don't think most people would be deeply offended if someone prefers intimate partners who are somehow similar to them in background, including race or ethnicity. Further, I suspect there are ways to communicate such a preference in a dating profile without coming across as (frankly) a bigot.

    Flipping it around, someone saying they're UNwilling to date people of a different race/ethnicity, especially if stating that it's a specific race or ethnicity . . . yeah, that might raise some 3rd parties' hackles.

    People do have specific intimate partner preferences, and they're entitled to them, IMO, as NorthCascades says. Some people also want social approval from others, to make themselves feel like they fit in, or something. Sometimes they even want that social approval from people who have very different political, social, or moral outlooks. Sometimes those two desires - for specific partner types, and for social approval - will be in tension.

    Frankly, I don't think the onus is on the 3rd parties to resolve that conundrum. I think it's up to the person with the partner preference to decide what their priority is, clarity in communicating partner choice, and in choosing; or getting social approval from 3rd parties who maybe don't like their preferences.

    Choices have consequences. We make the choice, we gotta own the consequences. 🤷‍♀️

    (Race/ethnicity are not the only partner choice criteria that 3rd parties may disapprove of, either; and it isn't always progressives doing the disapproving.)

    I don't know to what extent dating sites' policies may limit users' ability to express race/ethnicity preferences, or other maybe unpopular preferences, in real life.
  • Mellouk89
    Mellouk89 Posts: 469 Member
    edited July 2021
    My opinion is that it's ok to choose who you are intimate with, and to discriminate for whatever reasons. You decide who you sleep with and it's no one else's buisiness.

    You don't even have to say it, most people don't say it out loud. They keep it to themselves because we have judgmental pricks in society.
  • 33gail33
    33gail33 Posts: 1,155 Member
    While it is all well and good to have preferences and to "discriminate" for whatever reason, I also think there is value in challenging those preferences within ourselves, and questioning where they came from.
    Again I say this as a woman who is taller than my partner (of 35 years) - I would say that the question that started this thread, height preferences, are generally a societal construct, not an innate preference (although some people argue a biological basis for it - I don't buy that). To just say that people have those preferences for whatever reason, and move on without challenging that, just perpetuates and leaves those constructs in tact.
    Thus why those of us who don't fit into that mold still get questioned and looked at as oddities that are outside of the "norm" that has been imposed on us.
  • tnh2o
    tnh2o Posts: 155 Member
    The original commenter said he married a woman who was not his type. I also married a man who was not my type, he was a tall marathon runner. I actually find shorter men appealing.
    I think you could be missing out if your dream person is defined by a strict definition of your type.
    I've been pleasantly surprised a time or two by not sticking to "my type".
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I think bigotry overall is an illogical and morally incorrect stance. This still doesn't mean that people of different races are "owed" the opportunity to date specific bigots.

  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,843 Member
    I've never understood the height obsession with some people. I'm a 5'3" woman and I have dated men ranging from 5'5" to 6'3" and my ex husband was 5'7". Height never even occurred to me as something that would be a turn off or turn on. I have a friend who is 5'4" and is active in the dating app world. She often refers to men under 5'8" as "short". I find that bizarre considering how "short" she is! She gets really upset if a man lies about his height and is a couple inches shorter than he listed in his profile. Makes no sense to me.

    People have preferences. When I don't share them, I don't find that bizarre.

    By this time, your friend should no longer be upset by a man adding an inch or two to his height but EXPECT it.

    https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
  • Mellouk89
    Mellouk89 Posts: 469 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    I have always been this way and have tried to date shorter men and am just not attracted to them and that’s not fair to them because I believe most people want a partner who finds them attractive.

    I think it's the most important part, if a woman finds bald dudes unattractive, I wouldn't want to be with her simply because there is no reciprocity in physical attraction and it would feel really *kitten*.