The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living
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Husband drinks; I don't know how it makes him feel but I know how he acts. Husband smokes; it seems like a compulsion. It's horrible. But it's more horrible that he's more accepting of it rather than to make a plan to change it. I'm not walking in his shoes. I don't know...6
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I was talking to my sober coach (sponsor). She said a few things I could share here: This is regarding a person who does not want to quit drinking even though it is breaking the hearts and lives of those around him. She said sometimes a partner can be an enabler.
In my cousin's wife's example, she yells, cries and makes threats but never follows through. She needs follow through- if she says to him "I'm getting a lawyer." She needs to get a lawyer. Her threats to leave him fall on deaf ears because she doesnt follow through ever. It's groundhog's day.
Second, We cannot control the alcoholic's behavior but we can control our behavior and reaction. So we need to learn how to react and stay calm despite the chaos around us, and she highly recommends getting professional help in terms of a therapist or support group like Alanon can help us cope so we have a quality life if he doesn't want to stop drinking.
My sponsor said the non-drinking spouse starts to mirror the alcoholic. That is very normal behavior- the spouse says and does things she would never normally do to the alcoholic (for example, throw things... because she is so hurt) You start to mirror each other.
She said the best thing for my cousin will be when the cops arrest him for drunk driving. Then, he will have faced a consequence because right now he has had no consequences at all (just a yelling, crying wife) which isn't enough for him to make that change.
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One more thing, my cousin pays all the bills for her alcoholic husband. Last month's bar bill and grocery bill was $4500 (one month's worth of daily happy hours, cases of wine bought , and food at restaurants). I told her just pay half of the bill and let him cover the rest with his pay check. So far, she is working like a dog to pay the bills that he is racking up and having a grand old time!6
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Husband drinks; I don't know how it makes him feel but I know how he acts. Husband smokes; it seems like a compulsion. It's horrible. But it's more horrible that he's more accepting of it rather than to make a plan to change it. I'm not walking in his shoes. I don't know...
He likes the way he is! He sees nothing wrong with his behavior and probably thinks you're the one with the problem. I feel alcoholics project their thoughts on others instead of being honest with themselves. In his mind, everyone else has a problem not him.6 -
I feel badly for children. of alcoholics. It is such a stressful environment to live in. My cousin's dad was an awful pig of a man (violent, philanderer, cruel) and my cousin grew up in that household.
Now, my cousin IS his father. He even said that to me, "I am becoming more and more like my father." (except for the physical violence/ but my cousin has continually said very cruel damning things to his lovely wife- that is abuse too.)
The cycle can stop however.
It is a choice not to drink. It's hard and sad and lonely sometime being the only one who doesn't drink but like Up and running says "we can reframe that thinking " It is a blessing we don't have to drink. I am so happy I don't drink.
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@RubyRed427
I am an enabler, definitely! I don't support him financially. But...I only support him until the burden becomes too taxing and I know it's wrong. In our years of life together, he's said that he was going to stop smoking (not because I asked him to, because I never did)... So dozens of times I've supported him through that claim. However, it only ever lasts so long because I start coming undone. Example, one year we were out Christmas shopping with insanity everywhere, hustle and bustle of traffic, lights, shopping... He was just complaining, irritated and miserable. Knowing we'd be shopping for hours, I blurred out "You know what, you need a cigarette! Because I cannot take this..." Wrong of me? Very. Everyone has a breaking point. Sometimes I think he's happy to hit mine.
I feel sorry for children of alcoholics, too. Husband will claim he's not one. I'd disagree. He was not always like this. This was progression triggered by a series of events, some of which are good but went to his head. Maybe I'm wrong. He's a hard worker, worked his way up from two jobs flipping burgers in his thirties through school for 6 years until he finished his Master's degree and landed a great position where he's being groomed for an even better one. He doesn't hit me, cheat, or gamble our money away...thank God.
I wish my husband was more like his father, though. He barely ever drinks...I think in 10+ years I've seen him drink two beers. He runs Marathons, been doing that since he was young. He's God-fearing and calm. Husband is much more like his mother.4 -
Money: I'd probably get super disgusted if I actually knew what my husband spent in one weekend on cigarettes and alcohol. He buys craft beers, pricy. Cigarettes are $7 + pack.
Expectations: I'm glad nobody has drinking expectations of me. My parents are coming down in a month to see my daughter graduate. Never in my life have I seen my mom drink and my dad likes his beers but like George Thorogood sings "I drink alone," so does my dad plus I would feel odd drinking with him.
Husband's mom is coming down within the next week and a half. Husband loves to get drunk with his mom. Late nights up and a box of wine and I'm happy to be in my bed. I do not have one bad word to say about my mother-in-law, not one. However I'm glad I come with no expectations. She was down last April and I was in bed by ten each night, no alcohol. No pressure, no expectations...
Husband left for work and before walking out the door he kissed me on the cheek and said "I love you." He has alot of issues, but there are good qualities about him, too, and I Iove him.
He's supposed to run a Marathon with his dad in less than 6 months, his first actual Marathon. He's overweight. He smokes. He can't even run one straight mile right now. I do hope he gets it together. Often he'll get it together only for one reason and then after the reason has come and gone, it's back to the old bad habits. However, we'll see... hopefully I'm wrong about this next time...4 -
Hello There to All
I've been peeping in here now & then and cannot keep up with all the posts. Sounds like everyone is staying the course and reaping the awesome benefits of fighting for your health and peace of mind & heart 
I am approaching my 3rd sober year. I checked my Easy Quit Drinking app today for the first time in a long while and it registers 1070 days and 4 months sober OR 2 years 11 months 5 days and 4 hours ~ 4586.4 drinks passed ~ $7,644 saved ~ 93.77% total health!!! PHEW
Under yet another lockdown in Ontario and seeing the divide widening between people who are on one side or the other of this mess. The fallout in a social/mental health/emotional health aspect that isn't being counted and the impact all of this is having on the lives of many is sad beyond. I am SO thankful that I stopped drinking when I did or I would puddle on the floor right now!!
Sobriety does become the "new normal" in a good way. I very rarely think about alcohol in a craving way, mostly think about it in a health-destroying way and the brainwashing that is legal on the part of advertisers with the government reaping it's fair share of the profits of others suffering & misery. Just the fact that liquor/beer stores are "essential services" is a testament it itself. Anyway, don't get me started LOL
So thankful to this supportive space that was a vital key to my healing journey from the sad consequences of a lifetime spent poisoning myself trying to drown out the not-so-pleasant aspects of life. Only to wake up to the fact that my drinking solution was becoming a large part of the not-so-pleasant parts of life. The freedom that I have now is priceless & definitely worth any bit of the struggle to be FREE!!!!
I will keep checking in and will definitely post on my 3 year Sober-versary on May 29. Hoping the best for ALL 12 -
I hope everyone has a great day.3
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@lorrainequiche59 I was wondering where you went! I guess if you are 3 years in then you really must not think about drinking that much anymore, the way I eventually got with cigarettes when I quit smoking. I am so happy for your wonderful accomplishment. I'm sorry Ontario is locked down again....this horrible virus seems like it will never go away. Definitely keep checking in on us! We enjoy hearing from you!4
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Hi @lorrainequiche59 Nice to hear from you!! Congrats on 3 years!! You made it through incredibly tragic times and yet you didn't drink. So proud of you!4
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Kelly Osborne says what some of us have thought. Maybe after a bit of sobriety we can drink normal again. Um- nope! Not for Kelly and I'm sure not for me.
https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/kelly-osbourne-relapse-turned-ugly-quickly-210525171.html
Yet another reminder that some of us cannot go back to normal drinking; maybe at the start for a few days or weeks we can, but then the *kitten* might hit the fan.
Hey, about 1/4 mile away a New huge beautiful WINE bar is opening- it promises to be amazing. How ironic! I wouldve been their best customer. LOL and I could have stumbled home.6 -
Couldn't help but find this conversation. I am sober 10 years, guess if you need some advice on alcoholics or how they think, feel free too ask. But yeah, found this site cause I needed to eat better, and begin calorie counting after binge eating most of 2020. Anyways, have a good night9
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@RubyRed427 I listened to Kelly on Dax Shepherd's podcast yesterday. It was fascinating. What a crazy life she has had. She said the relapse started when her friend was drinking a glass of champagne and she just suddenly said, "Ill have one too!" Which of course led to going off the rails completely. Oh Wolfie is so sly...making us think "one is ok" after years of not drinking. It sounds like she is back on track now. BTW, Armchair Expert, Dax Shepherd's podcast always has interesting guests from all fields, entertainment, science, authors etc.7
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Today is Cinco De Mayo and while a margarita on a hot day in Texas with authentic Mexican food sounds fun and delicious, I'll refrain.
I'm typically not fond of government involvement in laws regarding personal issues, except when it protects children. Recently a bill was passed making it illegal for parents to smoke in vehicles with kids in them. There was a boy that would come into the classroom every single morning with cigarette smoking clinging to him so strong that you could practically taste it, so wrong and it was so frustrating for me, really bothered me. His mom was a piece, a real piece.
I hope everyone has a wonderful, peaceful Wednesday.6 -
cjhuerta22 wrote: »Couldn't help but find this conversation. I am sober 10 years, guess if you need some advice on alcoholics or how they think, feel free too ask. But yeah, found this site cause I needed to eat better, and begin calorie counting after binge eating most of 2020. Anyways, have a good night
When does it get better? When does it get easier to accept that I cannot drink?
I am at 8 months sober today and feel resentful that my friends tonight all drank beautiful cocktails and i drank water.
Congrats on 10 years!!5 -
@RubyRed427 I'd like to know the answer to that too. I resent it as well. At least when I quit smoking everyone wasn't doing it in public anymore and I got lots of pats on the back etc. With drinking people just look at me and say, "really? seltzer?"
BUT congratulations on 8 MONTHS! That is quite an accomplishment!!5 -
Thank you @Up_n_Running and @JenT304 Thanks for your feedback. You are both very special to me.
I like your tips, FooFoo! I chuckled when you said I am missing out...... A HANGOVER!
You have helped me so much.5
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