Am I creating a problem?
IllustriousBee
Posts: 70 Member
My SO (significant other) and I went into this fitness journey together way back when. The pandemic happened, and thew us both off. Now we're back in it. However, it started out with him motivating me and pushing me to go to the gym and all that. Now that I actually enjoy working out and am serious about my eating, he is not very motivated. I am VERY petite. My BMR is under 1200, and the highest my TDEE has gone up to is around 1400. He's an average height guy, so his BMR is WAY more than mine. He has been dealing with exhaustion and headaches. I keep mentioning that he needs to eat more. He should be eating almost double what I eat, but he thinks he will just gain fat and undo all the strength training he's done. I have a degree in nutrition, so I kinda know what I'm talking about, but he is so worried about gaining body fat. I know he doesn't eat enough most days, but he makes up for it by binging every now and then on junk. I see all this, but I can't really tell him because when I try, he just gets defensive. Should I just give up and let him do whatever he wants or should I continue bringing it up? He's in good shape now, mind you. He's at a healthy weight and has decent muscle tone. I just don't want him to suffer through this anymore when I know that his problems will go away if he just eats enough healthy stuff regularly, rather than essentially starving and then binging on junk.
Just a note here: I'm not looking for relationship advice. Our relationship is great for the most part. We're best friends. I'm just concerned about his diet and fitness choices. He really needs to stop comparing what he eats to what I eat.
Just a note here: I'm not looking for relationship advice. Our relationship is great for the most part. We're best friends. I'm just concerned about his diet and fitness choices. He really needs to stop comparing what he eats to what I eat.
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Replies
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If they don't want to take your advice then you can't make them really. You've already said what's what, and beyond encouraging healthy eating habits I think they need to realise for themselves. I spent years YEARS trying to get my husband to eat more than like one apple a month and it did nothing. So I gave up but still made sure there was always fruit available. Now for whatever reason (largely to do with sobriety I suspect) he eats fruit regularly!5
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It's defo a case of "leading a horse to water". You may be able to sit him down and explain your thoughts reasonably and clearly, with all your educational knowledge behind you. But then leave it for him to decide what he wants to do.2
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It sounds like he's developed a disordered relationship to food. I'm in no ways an expert, but do have personal experience with it. Unfortunately, it probably won't help to keep mentioning it to him. It's something that he will have to want to fix himself. I mean, if he's already feeling constantly weak and headachey, it might be only a matter of time before he gets sick of feeling that way all the time and will want to make a change. At that point it will be important to him to know that you are there for him, non-judgmental and supportive. You may also want to look for some outside resources, in case he needs an actual therapist to talk to.5
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Maybe he can start increasing his calories slowly over time and keep an eye on his weight. If he starts eating too much he won’t gain all the wait overnight. He will see that the scale went up by a few pounds and then he can start slowly reducing the calories so he doesn’t gain any more weight.0
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Have you told him that he's undoing all his work himself? Undereating means he can't train as well as he should, and he might burn out. Undereating means he'll actually lose muscles instead of getting fitter.6
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I think there really isn't much you can do. As @skinnyrev2b said, it's like leading a horse to water. I think it's great that you're setting a good example, but that's really all that you can do and it will be up to him to see that and make changes (and you have to accept that might not happen right now or even at all).
I know you said you didn't want relationship advice, but I know for me, this kind of thing has come up in a couple different relationships (marriage, other family, and friends) and if I'm not careful I can get really resentful that my advice or help is being ignored or disregarded (it feels like it's ME being rejected, not just the idea), and that can really make things sour. This may be the first time this sort of dynamic has popped up for you, but if it's a pattern it's worth looking into. So that's why I bring it up.
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I dont blame you for being worried. How long has it been going on?
Eating too little and bingeing are signs of disordered eating. If it was my husband/best friend I would be trying my best to get him to talk it through and make a doctors appointment.2 -
Thanks for all your input! I have noticed that his eating resembles an eating disorder. I had anorexia nervosa in my teens and twenties. Overall, if you look at the whole week or something, he eats enough, he just doesn't eat frequently enough, I guess. He eats WAY under his TDEE most days and then has a big binge, usually on the weekend. I just hate that I know why he feels like crap, and I know what he needs to do to NOT feel like crap, but he won't follow my advice because he's scared of gaining back body fat. If he just takes that regular weekend binge and spreads it out throughout the week, he'll probably feel tons better. You're right though, all I can do is offer the help. It's up to him if he chooses to listen.3
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IllustriousBee wrote: »Thanks for all your input! I have noticed that his eating resembles an eating disorder. I had anorexia nervosa in my teens and twenties. Overall, if you look at the whole week or something, he eats enough, he just doesn't eat frequently enough, I guess. He eats WAY under his TDEE most days and then has a big binge, usually on the weekend. I just hate that I know why he feels like crap, and I know what he needs to do to NOT feel like crap, but he won't follow my advice because he's scared of gaining back body fat. If he just takes that regular weekend binge and spreads it out throughout the week, he'll probably feel tons better. You're right though, all I can do is offer the help. It's up to him if he chooses to listen.
I am reminded of this. (Substitute "men" for "women," whatever low calories he is eating for "1200," and move the binges to the weekend.)
https://www.aworkoutroutine.com/1200-calorie-diet/
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That chart explains it perfectly. Doing what this chart shows just leaves you miserable, either from not eating enough or overeating. Neither is good for your body or your mind. He has done better these past couple of days, so fingers crossed that he actually heard something I have said and is willing to give it a try.2
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This may be a case of not being able to hear the message from you as the messenger. I think you should have him get advice from a male trainer he will grow to respect and admire. I have a wonderful spouse but we do not have the ability to advise each other in the diet region and we've learned it the hard way. Besides with you being such a different body type it's probably really hard for him to think regardless of your education that you relate to his physical needs with the size difference. While working out can be a couples activity I've seen some couples benefit from some outside help and separation in specific areas like this myself included. I'm losing more weight healthier not taking my husbands advice and I'm not feeling resentment towards him for feeling like he's constantly criticizing me even though I'm trying my best.5
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Beverly2Hansen wrote: »This may be a case of not being able to hear the message from you as the messenger. I think you should have him get advice from a male trainer he will grow to respect and admire. I have a wonderful spouse but we do not have the ability to advise each other in the diet region and we've learned it the hard way.
I agree with this, not necessarily about having specifically a male trainer talk to him, but someone who is a "stranger" and a professional, so they can be more objective and your SO can better take the advice as professional advice without any personal agenda (real or imagined) sprinkled in.6 -
This one is a good one for the non-1200 erskshama2001 wrote: »IllustriousBee wrote: »Thanks for all your input! I have noticed that his eating resembles an eating disorder. I had anorexia nervosa in my teens and twenties. Overall, if you look at the whole week or something, he eats enough, he just doesn't eat frequently enough, I guess. He eats WAY under his TDEE most days and then has a big binge, usually on the weekend. I just hate that I know why he feels like crap, and I know what he needs to do to NOT feel like crap, but he won't follow my advice because he's scared of gaining back body fat. If he just takes that regular weekend binge and spreads it out throughout the week, he'll probably feel tons better. You're right though, all I can do is offer the help. It's up to him if he chooses to listen.
I am reminded of this. (Substitute "men" for "women," whatever low calories he is eating for "1200," and move the binges to the weekend.)
https://www.aworkoutroutine.com/1200-calorie-diet/
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If you are shooting or maintenance, the chart above works!1
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If you are shooting or maintenance, the chart above works!
YEah, I use that chart on a regular basis when I'm doing diet breaks. Little under during the week - more on weekends.
Heck I even do a little under my target deficit most weekdays and eat a little more on weekends. It's fine. As long as it's knowingly done and not a binge/restrict cycle.0 -
I say don't bring it up, only because it sounds like you have tried and he's not hearing it. I know it's easier said than done, but I relate because I have a wonderful husband but if I try to push him in one direction he will just push back because that's who he is. Nothing in your post indicated to me that if you keep bringing it up he might start to hear it more, so I think, as hard as it is to say, you should drop it for a while and maybe bring it up again if an opportunity presents itself.1
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tinkerbellang83 wrote: »
This one is a good one for the non-1200 erskshama2001 wrote: »IllustriousBee wrote: »Thanks for all your input! I have noticed that his eating resembles an eating disorder. I had anorexia nervosa in my teens and twenties. Overall, if you look at the whole week or something, he eats enough, he just doesn't eat frequently enough, I guess. He eats WAY under his TDEE most days and then has a big binge, usually on the weekend. I just hate that I know why he feels like crap, and I know what he needs to do to NOT feel like crap, but he won't follow my advice because he's scared of gaining back body fat. If he just takes that regular weekend binge and spreads it out throughout the week, he'll probably feel tons better. You're right though, all I can do is offer the help. It's up to him if he chooses to listen.
I am reminded of this. (Substitute "men" for "women," whatever low calories he is eating for "1200," and move the binges to the weekend.)
https://www.aworkoutroutine.com/1200-calorie-diet/
Bookmarking, thanks!1
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