Is Marriage worth it???

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Replies

  • MidlifeCrisisFitness
    MidlifeCrisisFitness Posts: 1,114 Member
    @MaltedTea Welcome sister!
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,330 Member
    edited April 2021
    What is this "it", in the phase "worth it", that everyone is talking about ??
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    I don't think I can really offer more outside of what was already mentioned.

    Marriage is a partnership; parties have to be willing to work on and maintain the relationship and everything that goes with it (that includes property, housekeeping, children, pets, the families you married into, etc.). Any long term relationship is the same. You get out of it what you put into it and if you aren't (and assuming your partner(s) are not ill or incapacitated in some way that hinders their involvement), something is amiss.

    Those mentioning how too many people place too much emphasis on the expectations they have for how a marriage *should* be are correct: it's not a fairy tale ending and it isn't always rainbows and sunshine. You can also have perfectly meaningful and long lasting relationships and never officially get married. Marriage (officially) in most countries is just a way for the government to keep track of and account for people and aid in transferring property, etc. between people who intend to stay together until one of them dies.

    Personal experience?: I had a lot of growth I needed to go through before I really appreciated my marriage. That took a good 10 years, btw. I realize not everyone gets that amount of time to figure things out, nor wants to sit around and waste that much time, but there it is. We're on year 14 this year. We're mostly a good team and we've communicated pretty clearly from the beginning when and if things bother us (whatever it might be).

    I think that's the biggest hurdle for couples (married or not): Communication. You have to get over being uncomfortable discussing certain things.. or feeling foolish and just communicate your wishes, desires and expectations. I have yet to meet a genuine psychic... so you can't expect a person you're involved with to read your mind and vice versa.
  • Hotelsma
    Hotelsma Posts: 366 Member
    I want to say a big thank you to everyone who posted on this thread. I have learnt a lot which everyone’s experiences. It’s been most insightful.

    Thank you all 👍🏽
  • theonlyclevergirl
    theonlyclevergirl Posts: 11 Member
    I believe it to be the hardest and most rewarding decision you will ever make. Don’t marry a selfish person. They will never love you like you love them.
  • KobiHensley
    KobiHensley Posts: 78 Member
    It is if you find the right partner. I was married when I was 18, that lasted four years. I definitely wasn't mature or ready to be married.

    I met my 2nd husband at age 50. I think it took me that long to know what I wanted and what I won't put up with.

    I met him on a debate over Coke vs Pepsi. He told me that Coke gave santa the red suit, I told him that Pepsi sat Michael Jackson on fire. He asked me out for the next night and we're been together ever sense.

    Marriage takes work and if you don't want to invest in your marriage then no, it's not for you.
  • chrismacboy
    chrismacboy Posts: 19 Member
    It really depends on who you are and what you hope to gain from it. In general marriages are hard.
  • plugers
    plugers Posts: 22 Member
    I have been, and divorced.
    Won't do it again, and that has been reinforced by dating again for the last 15 years.
    I could be with someone for the rest of my life, if they treat me well, but won't sign away my retirement on someone who can change their mind and eliminate any security I've built in my life.
  • Punksprincess83
    Punksprincess83 Posts: 214 Member
    edited May 23
    I’m no expert on marriage. When I was 22 I met my ex husband in college we dated for 2 years and I married him when I was 24. By the time I was 26 I was divorced. If you would’ve looked at us you would’ve thought he and I were the perfect couple we didn’t fight we didn’t argue nothing. Toward the end of my marriage I found out he was cheating on me. It literally devastated me. If I could go back and change everything I would. First I would have lived with him before I married him. Second I probably would have been more vocal and open and not bottled up my feelings cause I did that a lot back then I don’t do it now.

    Now I plan on doing thing differently. I plan on living with them first and second I don’t know if I would ever consider ever getting married ever again. Breaks ups are hard but divorces are worse my divorce about killed me but in the end it made me a better and a stronger and a more outspoken woman. I voice myself now there is no more hiding my feelings and emotions.

    Marriage may not be for everyone. Some people fall in love with someone and may decide not to marry them but live with them for the rest of their lives. Some may end up marrying again it depends on the people. I don’t know if I will ever do that again.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,511 Member
    So many things go into making a relationship work, whether you choose marriage or not. Respect, trust, appreciation, space, growth, commitment, love, compromise.......and if too much of any one of those things is lacking, it could definitely be a very bumpy ride at best.

    DH were married in 1978 but went through a separation that lasted about 12 years; he moved back in almost 3 years ago but we had to set up some boundaries. First 2 years back together were rocky but the past year has gotten a bit better. At this point in our lives, we need our own lives. :) It's not the relationship we started out with back in 1978, that's for sure. It's very different. But it works for us, ATM. Neither one of us holds expectations for the other anymore and that's something I've slowly learned to let go of since we got back together.

    But yeh, it's not for everybody. Just like having children or going to college, etc., etc.
  • twitchymcgee
    twitchymcgee Posts: 344 Member
    Speaking from a heteronormative perspective:

    For men? Yeah, the longterm benefits outweigh any sacrifice.

    For women, no.

    Single women without children are reported to be the happiest people on earth

    YMMV
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 40,859 Member
    Absolutely worth it, but I'm glad I waited. My wife and I didn't get married until we were 30 and we had dated for 5 years and lived together for 1 year. We're going on 17 years with two wonderful boys of 10 & 12. I'm glad I didn't marry young...I thought for sure my Senior high school sweetheart would end up marrying...we're actually still pretty good friends, but we both changed a ton in our twenties and that marriage would have grown apart during that time. Most of the people I know who've married in their late teens or early 20s are now divorced.

    I'm also glad that my wife and I waited a bit to have kids...we just wanted some time to just be us and travel and build our careers, etc. When we were first married, we were both just starting our careers and I think having children earlier than we did would have put a pretty big financial strain on our relationship.
  • Xerogs
    Xerogs Posts: 325 Member
    Hotelsma wrote: »
    So all my mates are married with kids. I’ve seen marriages going on 30 plus years and ones ending in few years which has put me off. Is it really worth it?

    I know people will say you have to find the right person but how many couples thought they did and ended up breaking up

    I've been married for 19.5 years and dated my wife 1.5 years before that. We were long distance for a number of months during our dating period as well so that made things interesting in the beginning. One thing I can definitely say is we've both changed quite a bit through the ups and downs of life. Marriages evolve and you've got to accept that the person across from you is going to change in as much as you are as well. A really good solid foundation has helped us through the hard times but there are no guarantees that things may one day fall apart. It's a chance and in my opinion worth it.

    Learning how to communicate and compromise with your significant other is crucial but it no way guarantees long term success. Most successful marriages I see are base on a really good partnership so that is something worth exploring in yourself and in your prospective spouse. Will you be supportive of them and vice versa?

    I also think what helps us is we have some things in common and others things that are not. We are free to be who we want to be while still coming together as a couple.

  • nossmf
    nossmf Posts: 3,466 Member
    Maybe not for everybody, but my wife and I celebrate 20 years here in a couple weeks, still going strong, so it CAN happen.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,511 Member
    edited May 23
    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    but we both changed a ton in our twenties and that marriage would have grown apart during that time. /quote]

    That's what I found to be true as well. We met in our early 20's and married when I was 25. If not for wanting children sooner rather than later, looking back we should've waited to see who we became in our 30's. Might've made a telling difference. At least for us.

    Oh yeh, communication is a key component, unfortunately neither dh or I are good at that. :(
  • twitchymcgee
    twitchymcgee Posts: 344 Member
    Speaking from a heteronormative perspective:

    For men? Yeah, the longterm benefits outweigh any sacrifice.

    For women, no.

    Single women without children are reported to be the happiest people on earth

    YMMV

    Adding to my previous thoughts,

    I don’t believe longevity in a relationship is an accurate sign of success

    when there are many reasons a dysfunctional and unhappy couple may stay together,

    chief among them being financial constraints

    followed closely by religious and familial pressures.
  • MaryQueena
    MaryQueena Posts: 8 Member
    Married for 33 years, since I was 21. Three great kids. Now ended. Was it worth it? Yes, in some ways. I don't regret much of those years, but there was also some *kitten* going on that I didn't see because I was too close to it. I won't do it again though, as my personal security is now fully in my hands and I won't sacrifice that again. However, I would happily entertain a new someone, as I am not ready for a solo life yet!