So, yesterday was horrible. horrible. did i say horrible? i woke up, was in a fairly good mood, and one of my friends contacted me to spend the day at his place playing video games and hanging out. on one hand i wanted to stay home, follow my meal plan and go for a walk (other than the fact that there was at least 2 feet of snow on the ground)... but part of me wants to overcome the lonliness factor. so i said sure, let's hang out. as soon as i hung up the phone it was as though i had some weird flash foward of what the day would entail. this friend is what you would call an "eating buddy". another fat person who you feel comfotable with and can eat your face off with. this is a person i rarely see, for mostly this reason, but the lonliness and desire for some form of companionship got the better of me.
we met at a restaurant for breakfast. i flipped over the menu to the healthy options section. poached eggs. pankcakes with butter and syrup. fruit bowl. pankcakes with butter and syrup.scrambled egg whites with fresh veggies. pankcakes with butter and syrup. pankcakes with butter and syrup. pankcakes with butter and syrup. ok, well i wasn't going to shake that one off. i browsed a bit more and came across the big breakfast, 2 eggs, toast with butter, bacon and home fries. so i ordered both.
as we sat there eating, laughing, having a great time i didn't even notice that i had polished off everything and was actually sticking my fingers into the residual syrup on my plate and licking it up. i wasn't disgusted at the time, and didn't remember doing it until i reflected on the day, but looking back i am repulsed.
we went back to his place and watched movies, and in the afternoon walked over to the dq for lunch/dinner. bad idea. because i had refrained from dq the other day, i felt like i owed it to myself to make up for what i missed out on. missed out on? what the hell. "i missed out on stuffing my face the other day, so that means i have to double-stuff it today". seriously what i thought.
i ordered a super-sized ultimate burger combo, large gravy, large diet pop of course, and a large fried chicken sandwich. this meal was washed down by a tin roof blizzard (which i only ate half of.)
sitting there eating, i honestly didn't think about anything. my friend and i barely talked, we were so busy eating. afterwards i didn't feel shame, i just felt stuffed, and after we hugged and went our separate ways i waddled home.
as i was sitting in the late evening watching tv, trying to alieviate the intense heartburn, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "oh god, another day ruined. i wonder how many calories i ate today? it's probably not as bad as i thought."
i started looking up everything i ate that day. with horror, the numbers started to add up.
Bananas - Raw, 1 medium (7" to 7-7/8" long): 105 cal.
Pancakes - Plain, 2 pancake (6" dia) 299 cal.
Butter - Salted, 4 tbsp 407 cal.
Syrups - Table blends, pancake, 0.75 cup 551 cal.
Bread - White 1.5 slice 100 cal.
Eggs - Scrambled (whole egg), 2 large 203 cal.
Bacon - Bacon, 2.5 strip 125 cal.
Home Fries, Seasoned, 1 cup 268 cal.
total for breakfast: 2058 calories. holy crap, what have i done.
prsident's choice - unsweetened apple sauce, 1 container 50 cal.
Wasa - Sourdough Rye Crispbread, 3 slice 105 cal.
total snacks: 155 cal.
dairy queen - ultimate burger, 1 serving(s) 580 cal.
Dairy Queen- Original Chicken Sandwich, 1 sandwich 660 cal.
Dairy Queen - French Fries, 1 serving(s) 550 cal.
Dairy Queen® - Small Blizzard, 5 oz, 280 cal.
Brown Gravy, 2 oz, 200 cal.
total for supper, a staggering 2270 calories
total for the day: 4483 calories, which is 2598 calories more than my reccommended. i ate almost an extra pound yesterday. i've never entered into MFP one of my bad days before. in denial of how bad it was, i would just skip entering that day, and murmur to myself, "oh it wan't that bad, let's try again tomorrow."
well this was definitely a revellation. :sad:
no wonder i'm gaining weight! it makes me sick to think that i put that much crap into my body!!??! you know what makes it even worse? i've had WAY worse binge days than that, where i have big meal in the middle of the day too, like a large pizza or something. it really disgusts me. i'm not feeling guilty so much as i feel shame. shame that i've been lying to myself all this time, and shame that i'm not being accountable for why i am 277 pounds,(probably more now.)
so, what am i going to do? i'm going to waken up every day. i'm going to breathe in and out and i'm going to make the most difficult changes in my life: trying to eat like a normal person. can i achieve this monsterous goal? i'm not sure, but here is to one meal at a time. i feel like a hamster, running on a wheel with no end in sight, so i guess it's time to hop off the wheel and try a new path.
plan for today:
1 cup oatmeal
garden burger on whole wheat bun
1 tossed salad
roasted sausages, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli
1 cup skim milk.
main goals for today:
to be happy
get some fresh air
go for a walk
eat what i planned
resist the urges to binge (which on a scale from one to 10 are about a -15 right now)