De-Motivated Because of Recent Ex
aheartbeatsos
Posts: 87
Two days ago my boyfriend broke up with me.
I had just come back from out of province after two weeks apart.
We've known each other for two years, been interested from the start and decided to take the plunge two months ago.
We celebrated our two months four days ago, everything was great.
Then silence.
So I ask him what's going on, he tells me it's not working.
I took my time to grieve, got my head on and approached him from a less emotional state asking what happened.
His first response 'Distance' I can understand, we live an hour apart and his parents don't let him have girls over (despite him being 25).
But that never bothered me nor did it seem to bother him.
So I told him to tell me straight up if he just wasn't into me or if there was someone else.
So his honest response (which I respect despite the fact it hurts) is that he's not into me - he doesn't see himself becoming emotionally/romantically connected on a higher level 'to the point of a relationship'.
I ask Why to everything, so of course I asked why.
Essentially it came down to this:
"I preferred you when you hadn't lost weight. I don't like that you're trying to conform to being skinny. You're not the girl from my memories"
Crushed.
Almost a year ago I was 225lbs, depressed, suffering physically as a result of my weight and completely insecure.
I've since lost 55lbs and am healthy, happier and gaining confidence.
But then to hear this I'm stuck with more questions.
Why am I different? Am I different? What is different?
What is so different that he could see himself being with old me but not new me?
I want to continue losing weight and getting healthier.
I am not aiming to be 'skinny'. Hell, with my body type (hello hips and thighs) 'skinny' is not in the cards.
'Fit' is.
I just feel awful right now.
Like I've betrayed myself.
I'm proud of what I've accomplished. But at the same time I lost this guy because of it.
Ugh.
I'm sorry..I just needed to vent.
He's coming over this week and we're going to talk.
Part of me wants him back, or to at least give me a chance.
The other part of me thinks if he can't handle my success, he needs to step out of my spotlight. For good.
I had just come back from out of province after two weeks apart.
We've known each other for two years, been interested from the start and decided to take the plunge two months ago.
We celebrated our two months four days ago, everything was great.
Then silence.
So I ask him what's going on, he tells me it's not working.
I took my time to grieve, got my head on and approached him from a less emotional state asking what happened.
His first response 'Distance' I can understand, we live an hour apart and his parents don't let him have girls over (despite him being 25).
But that never bothered me nor did it seem to bother him.
So I told him to tell me straight up if he just wasn't into me or if there was someone else.
So his honest response (which I respect despite the fact it hurts) is that he's not into me - he doesn't see himself becoming emotionally/romantically connected on a higher level 'to the point of a relationship'.
I ask Why to everything, so of course I asked why.
Essentially it came down to this:
"I preferred you when you hadn't lost weight. I don't like that you're trying to conform to being skinny. You're not the girl from my memories"
Crushed.
Almost a year ago I was 225lbs, depressed, suffering physically as a result of my weight and completely insecure.
I've since lost 55lbs and am healthy, happier and gaining confidence.
But then to hear this I'm stuck with more questions.
Why am I different? Am I different? What is different?
What is so different that he could see himself being with old me but not new me?
I want to continue losing weight and getting healthier.
I am not aiming to be 'skinny'. Hell, with my body type (hello hips and thighs) 'skinny' is not in the cards.
'Fit' is.
I just feel awful right now.
Like I've betrayed myself.
I'm proud of what I've accomplished. But at the same time I lost this guy because of it.
Ugh.
I'm sorry..I just needed to vent.
He's coming over this week and we're going to talk.
Part of me wants him back, or to at least give me a chance.
The other part of me thinks if he can't handle my success, he needs to step out of my spotlight. For good.
0
Replies
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You are losing weight for you. To be happy and healthy you have done what is necessary for you. He is not "the one" otherwise he wouldn't be concerned with your outer appearance as much as who you are. I have seen (from personal and experiences mentioned on this board) that some men prefer "heavier" girls because their self esteem is not where it could be and SOME guys believe that this is good because the girl isn't as much of a target for other men to hit on.0
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The other part of me thinks if he can't handle my success, he needs to step out of my spotlight. For good.
Listen to this part. I know it hurts real bad right now but you've only been with him romantically a short while. Can you still be friends or will that not work?
Sorry sister :flowerforyou:0 -
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this and you should be so super proud of yourself for the weight loss, it takes so much work!!! You are still the same person but in a different shape and if he is holding on to a memory of you to frame your relationship and he doesn't want you to lose weight and be healthy then, and I know is sounds cliche, he doesn't deserve you. I don't know you, or this guy so I am only speculating, but you didn't lose him because you lost weight, he lost you because he has issues, he seemingly can't be happy for you, you need someone to support you because what you are doing is for you and it is awesome that you have come so far!!!
It is hard to let go and I could see why you would want him back, I would probably do the same, but from an outsiders perspective, for him to make you fee this way, he doesn't deserve you. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments and tell him you are proud of yourself and his reason is a lame excuse!!!
Good luck and don't forget how awesome it is what you have accomplished!!!0 -
You've lost 55lbs and are turning your life around to being positive and healthy, and he dumps you. WTF.
Do not let this derail you. Keep focused on what's really important to you - which is YOU.
I would run, quickly, in the opposite direction to this guy.0 -
Here is where I am going to come in and tell you this....
He's a jack *kitten*. Go find someone who will take you for who you are, no matter how much weight you lose.
As you said. You began to go down this jouney because it was affecting your heath. Don't lose your courage and keep going.
Like you said. You are doing this for yourself. Don't let this Jack *kitten* get you down.
Hang in there. You will find someone to love you for being you. Regardless of how much you weigh.0 -
You've lost 55lbs and are turning your life around to being positive and healthy, and he dumps you. WTF.
Do not let this derail you. Keep focused on what's really important to you - which is YOU.
I would run, quickly, in the opposite direction to this guy.
***Sends over a brand new pair of sneakers0 -
Honey, he should have supported you no matter how much weight you lost. He just wasn't the right one. And he is right....you DID change....you became HEALTHIER, HAPPIER, and more CONFIDENT....all wonderful qualities. You will find someone who adores that about you, regardless of what the number on the scale tells you. Be proud of your success and love yourself!
XOXOXO 0 -
I am sorry. He sounds so selfish. He rather you been heavier and depressed? That is selfish. You'll find somebody who will truly appreciate the new you.0
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Was he overweight - these comments are always more about their confidence (or lack of) than anything to do with you.
If you are happier thinner - keep at it
Do it for you - no-one else0 -
Beware... if he doesn't like you now that you are healthier, happier, more confident and not depressed, something is WRONG. I'd run rather than walk out of that one.
Of course that's just my point of view based on the details you've given. But if he'd rather have someone who's depressed, fat and doesn't feel good about herself, that sounds like a HUGE red flag to me and it makes me wonder about his ultimate motivations and his confidence in himself.
Good luck! I wouldn't sweat it too much. I don't think you betrayed yourself... you just uncovered a real and better you. If he doesn't like it, there are always other guys out there!
All the best! Keep your chin up,
Jen
edited for grammar0 -
I agree with m60kaf...I think he was definitely insecure with your weight loss and hotness. Keep your head up and keep moving.0
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Oh this one is so easy I liked you when your world could revolve around him because you had no self esteem. You were a sure thing. Now other men can find you attractive and he is afraid of the competition. Some men like to keep you fat so they can control you. But your strong, pretty and confident. On occassion there are chubby chasers too, but I suspect my first gut reaction. Good luck and God bless. There are other men. I am starting over after ten years at 41 so you can too0
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He's an idiot. You have every right to be happy and healthy. If he doesn't like it, then he's most likely afraid of your newfound confidence. You don't need a boy who can't handle a woman who isn't sure of herself. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. If he can't handle you, don't worry too much about it. You deserve so much more than that.
And when he tries to come crawling back, don't let him in. I know it'll be tough, but go for a run or a workout. It'll take an effort to get up and out at first, but you'll soon remember how great it feels to run off how you're feeling.0 -
Here is where I am going to come in and tell you this....
He's a jack *kitten*. Go find someone who will take you for who you are, no matter how much weight you lose.
As you said. You began to go down this jouney because it was affecting your heath. Don't lose your courage and keep going.
Like you said. You are doing this for yourself. Don't let this Jack *kitten* get you down.
Hang in there. You will find someone to love you for being you. Regardless of how much you weigh.
I agree with this^^ The guy is a Jack *kitten*. He is 25 and lives with his parents? Oh man... a few months from now you will look back at this and thank the Good Lord he is gone. I personally don't believe the "your not the girl of my memories" and the crap about conforming to being skinny. Sorry, but sounds like made up guy bs to me.. what a whiner. You look to me to be a beautiful woman and if he can't handle that how is he going to handle anything else you throw at him? I'm sending good thoughts and blessings your way. Please close the door on this fool so that you can open another one to someone better. You can do it!0 -
I could be totally off base, but I think what has happened isnt so much as weight, but attitude and confidence. Some guys are threatened by a confident woman, he could just be feeling that you dont NEED him anymore, and that is really scary to some guys. I do think you should take some time to really think this one through, because a relationship has to be based on mutual respect and supporting healthy goals for each other. It isnt just about attraction, it is about loving a person and wanting the best for them and what makes them happy.0
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Was he overweight - these comments are always more about their confidence (or lack of) than anything to do with you.
If you are happier thinner - keep at it
Do it for you - no-one else
^^^^^^ totally agree!!!! This is Your life and if he was "in love" with you from the beginning , he would have loved you for the inside of you, not the outside. He has his own issues and by making you think he loved you heavier is his way of controlling or being confident that no other man would want you. screw that... this is YOUR life.. your journey.. do this for you and the right person will come along.. BTW you've done a fantastic job. Keep it up!!0 -
He liked you when you were depressed and had low self esteem. He doesn't like you happy and confident.
I know it hurts right now, but soon you'll realize you dodged a MAJOR bullet with this guy.0 -
Almost a year ago I was 225lbs, depressed, suffering physically as a result of my weight and completely insecure.
I've since lost 55lbs and am healthy, happier and gaining confidence.
This part really stuck out at me.
Your not only changing Physically but mentally as well,
I have encountered a few Men who are not comfortable being around Confident Women, for some reason they NEED their partner to NEED them and be insecure and rely on them for comfort because it ,makes THEM feel better about themselves. As your losing weight, your gaining confidence in yourself maybe seeking more independence and that could be what's making him unhappy.
You just have to remember that this is HIS failing, NOT YOURS. You are a Beautiful, Confident and Independent Woman and you do not need a Man like that in a relationship. :flowerforyou:0 -
I agree with Susabella on this one also. but also the guy who said to lose weight just for you0
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My first reaction is that any guy who dumps you after you've done something to make yourself healthier and happier and given yourself more confidence is not interested in YOUR happiness, and something else is going on in his head. Like maybe he's not confident and is afraid that the new, better you will pass him by. Or, on the darker side, he likes having someone around who doesn't have confidence because that makes him superior somehow.
But I don't know the situation. All I know is that if someone in your life cannot accept you making a change for the better in your life, especially as regards your health and happiness, they don't belong in your life.
You'll survive the heartbreak. You would not so easily survive returning to your unhealthy former life. Blessings and peace to you.
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." ~~Shakespeare0 -
SO the girls he dates he sees as a body .... your worth more than that .....
if you cant live without him then explain to him the body shape you are aiming for ....0 -
He doesn't want you healthy:noway: Hello!!! You can do better.0
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Someone who loves you will love you no matter what you weigh -- 100 pounds, 500 pounds. He just wasn't the one for you. Be glad you found that out before you got married or had children together. I married someone who loved the idea of me, not me. We were miserable. My current husband loves me at fat and will love me at healthy. That's what you need, and that's what's still out there waiting for you. Don't settle for less. You deserve someone who really loves you, and you're worth it. *hugs*0
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Essentially it came down to this:
"I preferred you when you hadn't lost weight. I don't like that you're trying to conform to being skinny. You're not the girl from my memories"
Crushed.
Almost a year ago I was 225lbs, depressed, suffering physically as a result of my weight and completely insecure.
I've since lost 55lbs and am healthy, happier and gaining confidence.
But then to hear this I'm stuck with more questions.
Why am I different? Am I different? What is different?
What is so different that he could see himself being with old me but not new me?
I want to continue losing weight and getting healthier.
I am not aiming to be 'skinny'. Hell, with my body type (hello hips and thighs) 'skinny' is not in the cards.
'Fit' is.
If he can't be happy about the fact that you feel healthier, happier and more confident, and that he feels he can't be with someone who's fit, looks good and is confident, then he didn't love you at all, and as much as it hurts now, you are seriously better off without him!! You want to be with someone who loves YOU for who you are, and wants what's best for you, which includes you being happy, healthy, confident, fit and lean. He's clearly not that person.0 -
To be honest I think you deserve better. I know it's not easy to here people speaking against him so soon after a break up, I've been there.
You have done and amazing job with what you have achieved and are much happier in that respect compared to before. You deserve to be happy, with your weight, with how you feel and about who you're with.
If he can't see that then move on. Someone will appreciate you for who you are.
Well done with the progress you've made so far. Just aim to be happy 0 -
Consider this: if the same guy ever would have said to you: "I'm not into you now that you've GAINED weight..." you'd be handing him his hat and showing him the door without a second thought.
Same goes, imho.0 -
I'm glad you posted asking for support. I had a friend that lost over 80lbs. As she lost her weight her husband got more and more insecure. He started cutting her down and frankly became verbally abusive because of his own insecurities. Unfortunately she started overeating and reaching for comfort foods because he made her so miserable. She gained the 80 back and more. And she is so sad and defeated.
You are a beautiful girl. As others have said he is threatened by you. But what is more important is that I don't hear that you fully realize what an accomplishment you have made. And how special you are. And most importantly that you deserve to have a guy who ADORES you. Every woman does. So I'll say it for you, YOU DESERVE TO BE ADORED.
People say when you lose a lot of weight it takes a while for your mind and confidence to catch up with your body. Sounds like you are part of the way but not convinced deep in your heart.
So...Put on your hottest dress, grab your girlfriends and go out and celebrate you! If some guy tells you how fabulous you are while you're out with them that's a plus. When you know you deserve to be loved, you draw men to you that you don't have to question and make you pull it out of them how they feel about you. They are too busy telling you! So get out there in the spotlight and SHINE girl!0 -
I just want to say thank you to everybody for their kind words and support.
I've been sitting at my desk here at work all day dwelling on the negative and to see these responses and all the positivity has brought tears to my eyes (forgive me, I am a bit weepy lately.)
Thank you. at this moment I am genuinely smiling
Thank you0 -
I like what the person earlier said about being adored. You deserve to be looked at with complete love and devotion. This is not driven by weight, this is from the heart. My husband loved me little and he adores me at my current size, I dont even think he knows how fat I let myself get, LOL.
There are wonderful men out there that will adore you.....the real you.
You are beautiful, and you are learning to be strong. You have come so far and made amazing progress, you should be proud of yourself. The other poster is right, put something on that makes you feel sexy, go out and have some fun with your friends and revel in the new beautiful woman that you have become. And remember, Confidence is Sexy!!!0
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