Diary of a Compulsive Overeater - Day 20

ellelit · May 2008

so yes, i have candor, and many people are respecting the fact that i am bold enough to actually be honest about what i am eating. this is TORTURE for me. not the journalling, but going through every day with good intentions and ending up failing. as for the suggestions, i appreciate them, but honestly what i write for myself in term of goals are thigns that i actually do like eating, and most of the time i do eat my healthy options, and then when i am not hungry, i go on a binge. it's not normal, and i'm even now doubting if it is even my fault. i love oatmeal and eat it almost every morning. i hate eggs and breakfast meat (other than bacon). i love fresh veggies, and it is not a struggle for me to eat cukes every day, mini carrots salad etc. the point of the journey is that it is not normal for a person to eat what the had planned, or a good portion of it, and still feel compelled to fill their face to the point of vomitting. take yesterday, for intance. here is how it broke down:

breakfast:
1 cup oatmeal
1 banana

- this is what i eat almost every morning and it does a good job of filling me up until first snack. 1/4 of the day gone with no troubles, a full tummy and happiness that i am doing well so far.

snack:
1 small tub of sugar free yogurt
mini carrots (or other raw veggies)
22 almonds

- again, i like consistency. i know what i like to eat. i dont like sliced turkey. i like this is snack and it keeps me full until lunch. little bit of dairy, protein and carbs to get me through. i eat this almost every day, and i like it. things are going good until lunch

lunch:
salad with dressing, tomatoes, cukes, avocado
1/2 cup cooked orzo

99% of the time i have leftovers. i'm single. there is usually stuff left over from the night before so it makes it easy. usually on fridays i eat out with the girls from work and it's hard to go to the restaurant and not order something bad. this week i'm contemplating not even going for lunch, even though i will be the only person in the office that is not doing so

ok here it comes. the first 2/3 of the day was awesome, and then the nagging beast comes into my head, takes over and makes me go to mc donalds, DQ, wendy's or the conveneice store. i dont have a car and all of these places are within a 5 minute walk of my front door.

dont do it. you can do this. dont put on your coat. dont walk out the front door. dont walk downthe steps. dont put one foot in front of the other and walk to the bad evil places.

this is the dialogue i have with myself many times when i have a binge. then over top of that dialogue is anopther voice saying... mmmm you're hungry... mmmm it's so yummy... you know what it's like to fight yourself with that every day of your life. it's exhausting and demorallizing.

supper:
2 microwave pizza subs
1/2 large bag of chips
1 diet pop
1 large ice cream sandwich.

i am doing this because i need to see for myself why i am doing the things i am. i dont need to eat more protein at every meal, try mixing up the types of veggies i eat, not eat meat for lunch, etc. i need to get behind the reason i do this. i know i have a problem, and i think that it is important for me to document my journey so i can get undetstanding and support, and also to let people who have similar issues know that they are not alone. i'm late for work and i'll add my "plan for the day" later. thanks

ellelit · May 2008

so yes, i have candor, and many people are respecting the fact that i am bold enough to actually be honest about what i am eating. this is TORTURE for me. not the journalling, but going through every day with good intentions and ending up failing. as for the suggestions, i appreciate them, but honestly what i write for myself in term of goals are thigns that i actually do like eating, and most of the time i do eat my healthy options, and then when i am not hungry, i go on a binge. it's not normal, and i'm even now doubting if it is even my fault. i love oatmeal and eat it almost every morning. i hate eggs and breakfast meat (other than bacon). i love fresh veggies, and it is not a struggle for me to eat cukes every day, mini carrots salad etc. the point of the journey is that it is not normal for a person to eat what the had planned, or a good portion of it, and still feel compelled to fill their face to the point of vomitting. take yesterday, for intance. here is how it broke down:

breakfast:
1 cup oatmeal
1 banana

- this is what i eat almost every morning and it does a good job of filling me up until first snack. 1/4 of the day gone with no troubles, a full tummy and happiness that i am doing well so far.

snack:
1 small tub of sugar free yogurt
mini carrots (or other raw veggies)
22 almonds

- again, i like consistency. i know what i like to eat. i dont like sliced turkey. i like this is snack and it keeps me full until lunch. little bit of dairy, protein and carbs to get me through. i eat this almost every day, and i like it. things are going good until lunch

lunch:
salad with dressing, tomatoes, cukes, avocado
1/2 cup cooked orzo

99% of the time i have leftovers. i'm single. there is usually stuff left over from the night before so it makes it easy. usually on fridays i eat out with the girls from work and it's hard to go to the restaurant and not order something bad. this week i'm contemplating not even going for lunch, even though i will be the only person in the office that is not doing so

ok here it comes. the first 2/3 of the day was awesome, and then the nagging beast comes into my head, takes over and makes me go to mc donalds, DQ, wendy's or the conveneice store. i dont have a car and all of these places are within a 5 minute walk of my front door.

dont do it. you can do this. dont put on your coat. dont walk out the front door. dont walk downthe steps. dont put one foot in front of the other and walk to the bad evil places.

this is the dialogue i have with myself many times when i have a binge. then over top of that dialogue is anopther voice saying... mmmm you're hungry... mmmm it's so yummy... you know what it's like to fight yourself with that every day of your life. it's exhausting and demorallizing.

supper:
2 microwave pizza subs
1/2 large bag of chips
1 diet pop
1 large ice cream sandwich.

i am doing this because i need to see for myself why i am doing the things i am. i dont need to eat more protein at every meal, try mixing up the types of veggies i eat, not eat meat for lunch, etc. i need to get behind the reason i do this. i know i have a problem, and i think that it is important for me to document my journey so i can get undetstanding and support, and also to let people who have similar issues know that they are not alone. i'm late for work and i'll add my "plan for the day" later. thanks

sweetandstormy · May 2008

Believe it or not, I know exactly what you're going through. I've been through the binging. Getting a "taste" for something and craving it so badly that I just had to have it and couldn't get it out of my mind until I broke down and got it. Going to 2 or 3 fast food places and getting enough food to provide my calories for 3 or 4 days (and that was for 1 meal). But I've got to tell you that once you get your body "cleansed" of all the bad stuff and start eating good, healthy food - the cravings to subside. I'm not saying they leave completely. I'm a compulsive eater. I still have to battle the urges. But they're easier to fight. And I'm starting to learn what my trigger foods are. I can't drink any kind of soda (diet or regular). Artificial sweetener and refined sugars both do the same thing to me and send me spiraling into a binge. I used to try to eat sugar free yogurt since it was the lowest calorie choice but I'd end up binging and ruining all of my good intentions. It was the aspartame used in it. Now I find that if I want yogurt, I eat a cup of YoPlus. It's rich, creamy, satisfying and doesn't send me on a binge. It has more calories but I work them into my day and in the end it saves me because I don't end up blowing all of my calories for the day. I've started eating 100 calorie snack packs during the week with my lunch (I work in an office and have started brown bagging both to avoid temptation from all the fast food places nearby and to help save money) and I'll tell you that at first, I was petrified to even try them. I was scared that since they're so refined, they'd throw me into binge mode. But the pre-portioned amount along with other healthy choices with my lunch keep that from happening. I'm not saying that I'm cured and will never binge again. Nor am I saying that I know exactly what will keep you from ever having another binge. There are physical and emotional reasons behind it. I know that when I get stressed, I still have to "talk myself down" and take a breath to keep myself from grabbing the closest thing I can stuff into my mouth. Good luck and I hope you get to the core of what drives you to do it. We're all here for you!

Diary of a Compulsive Overeater - Day 20

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