No one can help a person not willing to help themselves.
Your pic does not show a person that is fat,are you willing to believe and accept that?

Wow, I'm so sorry. This is really difficult subject. I can relate, I've always struggle with self esteem issues, but I have a lot more than I used to. One way I got some self esteem was going something I was passionate about. For me, that is theatre and singing. Doing something you truly love and makes you happy will help a lot.

Also, are you religious at all? It helped me to believe in a higher power. For me, it was God and Jesus. Believing that they created me and loved me helped me overcome a lot of my issues. Having the faith to believe there is something bigger than yourself is really helpful.

Find good friends, if you don't have a good relationship with your mother. This one will be hard because it's difficult finding someone to trust. So far, I've only found one true friend. Since your relationship with your mother is strained, I think it would help if you had a positive female figure in your life.

I'm not a psychologist. I can only tell you what has helped me and hopefully they help you too.

I didn't go through therapy or read any self help books - but I did do a lot of self reflection. A lot. I recognized my issues, I found what caused them.

What ultimately helped me was overpowering the negativity that was in my head. The part of me that would look in the mirror and make me tell myself I was ugly, fat and talentless. When I thought those things I had to start by telling myself outloud something I liked about myself. It was anything I could think of. "Your hair looks pretty" "You did an awesome run today" "You got straight A's last semester" "Your biceps are showing".

Eventually these thoughts become a part of your everday life. There will always been things that you look at and go "ugh" but it becomes more objective. Instead of looking at my love handles and thinking that I'll always be imperfect and hate myself I think that they're shrinking and it's a work in progress. It's a slow process and you may not even recognize the progress you make. I found an old blog entry I made from a year ago where I was disparaging myself and I realized I wasn't even that person anymore.

The biggest distinction you can make is (and I've said this before) there is a HUGE difference between low self esteem and humility. You should never play down your accomplishments! You've earned them, they're YOURS! When someone comments on your weight loss or how good your legs look don't duck your head and say "Oh... well." You hold you head high and say "thanks, I've been working really hard". You are allowed to be proud - there's also a huge difference in pride and the common perception of egotism. You are allowed to be proud of something that you have worked for, ego is for people that haven't worked for whatever they're bragging about.

Finally I was able to confront my mom. I sat her down and told her all the things that she had done to hurt me and how I still struggle with all these issues today. I even cried and at the very end I told her that I forgave her. That I understood in her own way she was trying to help shape me in the right direction and that she wasn't trying to hurt me forever. I told her that I loved her and that she wasn't responsible for the decision I would now be making as an adult - everything I do is choices and I want to make the right decisions for me, instead of the wrong decisions. It's easy to have a scapegoat, it's much harder to take responsibility.

My therapist had me do affirmations to replace negative thoughts.
My first and constant thought every day for years was "I hate my life". She had me set up an affirmation to replace this thought.
So I had to tell myself "I lead a good, fulfilling life" over and over again throughout the day. I wrote it down as many times as I could manage in a day and said it out loud as many times as i could manage. In the shower. In the car. Just constant until finally, the affirmation replaced my "auto-thought".
It takes consistency and the will to change. It isn't easy. But it's certainly worth the effort.

My self-esteem is by no means fantastic. But it's better than it was. A constant work in progress. Good luck to you.

All growing up my Mother called me fat and worthless, etc...and it has followed me 20 years later.
...
I am looking for tips or tricks or recommendations for books or ? I cannot afford therapy, I have already looked into it. Help please.

The Dance of Anger (how anger at previous injustice builds up and permeates our behavior, how to honor ourselves by dealing with our anger rather than stuffing it, including boundary setting as a method of reducing anger)

Happiness is a Choice (make happiness a priority; accept your personal authenticity, freedom to be yourself; discard regrets about the past and stop worrying about the future)

Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and FeelGreat Again (how to uncover and stop destructive behaviors ruining your life, even if you didn't realize what you were doing to yourself)

Also, not a self help book but if you wanna read about kids who overcame extreme childhood negativity, a great book is "The Boy who was raised as a dog" His conclusion is that no matter how tough a childhood you had, you can begin the healing process by improving the quality and quantity of your relationships. So joining meetups, civic organizations, religious groups, volunteer, etc. Anything where you meet people and can form bonds with at least some of them.

Many counseling centers employ interns who are doing their clinicals, of which they need x number of hours to get their degrees. Those interns will either charge a very low fee or no fee at all. I would maybe call around and ask about that. I saw a therapist for over 3 years for free that way.

If those pics are of you, you're not big. You only have 35 more lbs to go, that's really not that much.

Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" should be very helpful. Also check out the rest of his books. You can also try "Lving a Life That Matters" by Harold Kushner. I haven't read this one but it's in the recommended reading of one of Dr. Phil's books.

Lastly, believe in yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Everyone is unique and special in their own way. Once you can accept & truly love yourself, it'll be difficult for others not to do the same. Also, you'll be so confident that it won't matter much b/c you'll know that not everyone clicks with everyone all of the time.

Replace thoughts such as "I can't", I' won't", "I never", etc. with "I can", "I will". Silly example but for instance, I "won't go over" my calories today - replace with I "will stay" within my calories today. Thought patterns are powerful and can either bring you down quickly or boost you up just as quickly.

You can also search the web for cognitive-behavioral therapy. There's plenty of info on topics such as this that will offer plenty of helpful suggestions.

If those pics are of you, you're not big. You only have 35 more lbs to go, that's really not that much.

Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" should be very helpful. Also check out the rest of his books. You can also try "Lving a Life That Matters" by Harold Kushner. I haven't read this one but it's in the recommended reading of one of Dr. Phil's books.

Lastly, believe in yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Everyone is unique and special in their own way. Once you can accept & truly love yourself, it'll be difficult for others not to do the same. Also, you'll be so confident that it won't matter much b/c you'll know that not everyone clicks with everyone all of the time.

Replace thoughts such as "I can't", I' won't", "I never", etc. with "I can", "I will". Silly example but for instance, I "won't go over" my calories today - replace with I "will stay" within my calories today. Thought patterns are powerful and can either bring you down quickly or boost you up just as quickly.

You can also search the web for cognitive-behavioral therapy. There's plenty of info on topics such as this that will offer plenty of helpful suggestions.

THIS!! I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I use CBT mechanisms everysingleday of my life. It's the only thing that helps with the anxiety. It works for other disorders/way of thinking. Try it, it does work.

Judging by your ticker only being 35lbs over weight, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know you've been through hell with your Mom growing up among others, but at some point you have to start believing in yourself. otherwise you can have a victoria secret model body and still be as insecure. If at all possible get some therapy, try to put the past behind you and focus on your accomplishments as an adult and do your best to trust people's judgement at this stage. If he says you're beautiful then you are. go out, wear things out of your comfort zone and be a rockstar about it. I was in a similar boat, and as soon as I realized what i really look like and how people really see me, it totally changed everything.