Would it bother you if s/he didn't know why they fell apart?
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
Have been getting to know someone over the last couple months…I’m concerned because he said he really had no idea why his 2 marriages fell apart. This bothers me because there’s always at least one significant reason for a relationship to fail. I’m hoping this is just because he’s not willing to talk about this with a person he’s only known 2 months (and if this is the case, it would have been better if he just said so).
I feel like someone who doesn’t know why his previous significant relationships fell apart is going to do a poor job of nurturing ours (if it should ever get to that point). I’m not likely to change my mind about that, but I’m curious what the various personalities on this board think when someone says they don’t know why their marriage falls apart.
I feel like someone who doesn’t know why his previous significant relationships fell apart is going to do a poor job of nurturing ours (if it should ever get to that point). I’m not likely to change my mind about that, but I’m curious what the various personalities on this board think when someone says they don’t know why their marriage falls apart.
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Is he saying he doesn't know the exact reason (because there were many issues) or because he really has no clue?
If he has no clue whatsoever, then I'd come to the conclusion he hasn't truly dealt with his divorces. To me, it'd be just as bad as the fella blaming everything on his ex.
This could be a red flag for me.0 -
He knows... he's just not willing to admit it either to himself or to you. There is always a reason even if it's as simple as "we just grew apart". People always know the reason. I don't buy it. Possibly he cheated and doesn't want to lie about it? Don't know... but my guess is there is something he doesn't want out.0
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He's either clueless or was the cause of the break-up and doesn't want you to know what he did. Either way - RED FLAG! RED FLAG!0
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The end of a recent relationship of mine was rooted in a similar issue. There was an obvious reason that his marriage ended, but he couldn't see/take responsibility for his role. He seemed to have very little idea why his wife took the actions she did, despite his ridiculous intelligence (both intellectual and emotional-so he should have figured some of this out). Ugh.
He was also unable to see his role in our break-up, and seemed to decide it was simply that I was too similar to his ex-wife. Patterns kinda repeat unless there's real impetus for change. I'd look out. Good luck.0 -
He sounds passive agressive to me. He probably doesn't want to bad mouth the ex-wives but at the same time doesn't want to admit his own flaws. Either way, it's a problem, be it he can't accept things for what they really are or he has difficulty communicating. Both are red flags.0
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He knows full well why it fell apart. you can't tell me that a girl would divorce a guy and not give him full disclosure on why she left. I'm not sure what info about the guy you're privledge to, but check your red flags carefully, and be warely of others to come.0
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Why don't you just reply:
"Oh ok... you don't know. And do you know what your ex wife would tell then? I'm just curious."
That would still give you an insight.0 -
One marriage - maybe not, as it just might have been the other person's problem, and he genuinely might not really know/still be totally bewildered. Two marriages? That'd bother me, for sure. Either he doesn't want to say (for privacy - it's only been two months - or because it paints him in a bad light), or he's too clueless/naive/stupid for an intelligent woman like you, Janie. If it's the former - and only you will be able to call which of those reasons it is - it may be conquerable. If it's the latter (which seems more unlikely to me, as I doubt you'd have spent two months getting to know him if he was clueless/naive/stupid!), that's definitely a problem.0
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I would run, far away.
He either doesn't know which is bad or he knows and is not ready to make the changes to his own behaviour to make another relationship last which is bad...or he knows and he's the reason ie cheating still BAD.
Big huge red flag.
I wouldn't get too attached to him.0 -
Anyone,male or female at that point is either completely obtuse or incredibly arrogant to not be curious or reflective on what went wrong and where.
Not a good sign.
I have to say it is things like this that caused me to be mystified a few weeks ago when I think every lady that responded about being always or very long term single said they were looking for a divorced man solely because it showed saying "I do" meant a willingness to make a commitment.
I understand that once we get to a certain age the odds are that most of the dating pool will probably be divorced but it just seemed as an odd thing to cherry pick out of all the much greater number of possible issues.0 -
He can't think of one reason why two different marriages fell apart? Sounds to me like he just didn't want to talk about it. Did you ask who asked for the divorce? If it was him he should know why. If it wasn't, I'm assuming he asked why. Or did you ask why he got divorced, he said he didn't know, and then the conversation ended? That would probably explain why he's divorced twice and has no clue why. Doesn't sound like he opens up very easily, you have to ask questions.0
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Zero for two and he has no clue why? Sounds like a real winner. I thought of little else when my marriage was falling apart. I can write a novel. In fact, I purposely try avoiding even discussing this with dates, since nobody wants to hear about it in the beginning, and I'll just sound bitter (which I am). And once I get started, well....
On the other hand, perhaps he's a Zen Master who lives in the moment, and has already put the past completely behind him? His last name isn't Tolle by chance, is it?
--P0 -
Really? I missed that one. I agree that it seems an odd thing to focus on. On the flip-side of the "willingness to make acommitment" is surely a very big 'ONCE'? Those who are divorced presumably have some fairly hefty baggage that comes along with them, which may well create an unwillingness to make the same 'mistake' again... Not saying that I wouldn't date a divorced man, just that it's not something I'd actively be seeking out. Maybe it is an age-group thing, though.
I have to say it is things like this that caused me to be mystified a few weeks ago when I think every lady that responded about being always or very long term single said they were looking for a divorced man solely because it showed saying "I do" meant a willingness to make a commitment.0 -
Really? I missed that one. I agree that it seems an odd thing to focus on. On the flip-side of the "willingness to make acommitment" is surely a very big 'ONCE'? Those who are divorced presumably have some fairly hefty baggage that comes along with them, which may well create an unwillingness to make the same 'mistake' again... Not saying that I wouldn't date a divorced man, just that it's not something I'd actively be seeking out. Maybe it is an age-group thing, though.
I have to say it is things like this that caused me to be mystified a few weeks ago when I think every lady that responded about being always or very long term single said they were looking for a divorced man solely because it showed saying "I do" meant a willingness to make a commitment.
I should clarify that they didn`t exclude someone never married but their preference was someone who had already been married as it showed a willingness to commit.0 -
That level of obliviousness is concerning. I like the idea of asking him what his ex-wives would say. But if he's seemingly that clueless, I doubt he'd be honest with you.
I had always heard there are three sides to every divorce...his, hers and the truth. I generally listen to divorce stories with a bit of skepticism.
But this makes me wonder what my ex tells people about our divorce. He didn't want it and he refuses to see himself for the narcissistic, controlling, abusive guy he is. He has tried to pin some of the blame on me (no, I'm not perfect, far from it) and told me that my "flaws" were not deal breakers for him. Funny, though, his abuse, the 911 call I made, etc., ARE deal breakers for me. But he's not going to tell any of the women he dates about that, I'm fairly certain.0 -
Two marriages have fallen apart and he "has no clue" why? Nooooo JanieJack, please find someone else. Like others have said, he is either incredibly arrogant/refusing to believe he played any role in either divorce, or he doesn't want to tell you the reasons because it will make him look bad. This man smells strongly of someone who manipulates and doesn't admit to faults. If he wasn't comfortable discussing the reasons this early in the relationship, then he would've simply said so.
I once met a guy who lived upstairs from some friends of mine, who claimed that after 25 years of marriage, his wife just up and left him one day and he still had no clue why. I never bought it.0 -
Really? I missed that one. I agree that it seems an odd thing to focus on. On the flip-side of the "willingness to make acommitment" is surely a very big 'ONCE'? Those who are divorced presumably have some fairly hefty baggage that comes along with them, which may well create an unwillingness to make the same 'mistake' again... Not saying that I wouldn't date a divorced man, just that it's not something I'd actively be seeking out. Maybe it is an age-group thing, though.
I have to say it is things like this that caused me to be mystified a few weeks ago when I think every lady that responded about being always or very long term single said they were looking for a divorced man solely because it showed saying "I do" meant a willingness to make a commitment.
I should clarify that they didn`t exclude someone never married but their preference was someone who had already been married as it showed a willingness to commit.
Wow, I missed that one, too. I would be excluded from that majority.0 -
Anyone,male or female at that point is either completely obtuse or incredibly arrogant to not be curious or reflective on what went wrong and where.
Not a good sign.
I have to say it is things like this that caused me to be mystified a few weeks ago when I think every lady that responded about being always or very long term single said they were looking for a divorced man solely because it showed saying "I do" meant a willingness to make a commitment.
I understand that once we get to a certain age the odds are that most of the dating pool will probably be divorced but it just seemed as an odd thing to cherry pick out of all the much greater number of possible issues.
I missed it too. I don't think just b/c a guy committed once before that he's willing to commit again. Previously married or not, I think we all have baggage to a certain degree but if you find your match, you deal with the baggage and are willing to commit, maybe just an exclusive relationship, living together, or getting married. I've been divorced for 10 years, have said the entire time, I will NEVER get remarried. Now, maybe, maybe not. The healing is complete but it depends on whether or not I find my match. I will add that my standards have increased tremendously but my level of understanding relationships has improved greatly as well. Sorry if this is off topic.0 -
Anyone,male or female at that point is either completely obtuse or incredibly arrogant to not be curious or reflective on what went wrong and where.
Not a good sign.
I have to say it is things like this that caused me to be mystified a few weeks ago when I think every lady that responded about being always or very long term single said they were looking for a divorced man solely because it showed saying "I do" meant a willingness to make a commitment.
I understand that once we get to a certain age the odds are that most of the dating pool will probably be divorced but it just seemed as an odd thing to cherry pick out of all the much greater number of possible issues.
Carl, my response, in this particular situation didn't have to do with the fact he's divorced but that he is stupid enough to claim he has no idea why his marriages fell apart. This could be the same if he'd never been married but had been in LTRs. He has red flags all over him... but not because he's divorced.... but because he's incapable of being honest OR he's just clueless.0 -
When we had this convo, I asked a couple different ways but I kept getting the same "I don't really know" answer. Guys only complain of two things about me: No sex w/o commitment and I'm too analytical. Since I'm not gonna change the first, I'm trying to change the second. I asked a couple of ways and got the same answer, and so I gave up.
Wow, I feel really naive, but it honestly never occurred to me that he might be lying just b/c he didn’t want to tell me. That would make me even less likely to continue!
Will definitely try asking "what would your wife say" I agree that there are 3 sides to every divorce story, but I'm looking for the kind of guy that rule doesn't exactly apply to. I'm pretty good about owning up to my mistakes, and my future partner must be too. Our marriage wasn't perfect, lots of issues on both sides, but if you ask my ex husband exactly what happened that caused me to give up on the covenant of marriage he would tell you, "I lost my mind (he went crazy after returning from Iraq) and did her wrong. Now she's single and happy and doesn't trust me."
Also, I agree that what someone says is very indicative of their relationship issues. I had a friend whose previous wives/LTRs were all "crazy." I told him that didn't reflect well on him that everyone he picked was "crazy." I don't think they were, honestly, I just think he was selfish and entitled. Guess what? Apparently, he told his new gf and friends *I* was crazy- and we weren’t even dating when he cut me off!
Another guy, when I asked him this question, insisted he didn’t know why. I asked, didn’t your wife tell you? He said, well, she left a letter but none of it made sense. I asked what was in the letter, and he told me he didn’t remember- all he remembered is that none of it made sense. I never even met this guy in person, though “on paper” we were great matches.0 -
I'd say he just isnt ready to talk about it, and mostly, cos he was the person to blame for the break ups.
He doesn't want you to know his bad side yet, as you will judge him.
I think he's right, but people are judging him anyway! The guy can't win :flowerforyou:0 -
I'll throw my info out there. My last divorce (yes, I've been divorced twice, we all make mistakes), my wife told me that she wasn't having "fun" anymore. She also ended up pregnant 3 months after we finallized our divorce and I wanted nothing more than to have children. I also know we were fairly platonic for the longest time in our relationship because we had just grown apart.
I have an inkling why we split up, but I can honestly say I'm not 100% sure. I think it was because she was cheating on me, she would say it was because she felt like I wasn't there for her (which in my opinion I was there for her much more than she was for me). This guy may have thought everything was hunky dory in the relationship and the woman just wasn't being fulfilled and it was a lack of communication from her (yes I'm playing devil's advocate here). I wouldn't use this as an excuse to run from the guy, if though he showed little to no concern for your needs, and showed an inability to communicate (which would have been the reason the previous marriage split), that would be a reason to run like hell.0 -
I'll throw my info out there. My last divorce (yes, I've been divorced twice, we all make mistakes), my wife told me that she wasn't having "fun" anymore. She also ended up pregnant 3 months after we finallized our divorce and I wanted nothing more than to have children. I also know we were fairly platonic for the longest time in our relationship because we had just grown apart.
I have an inkling why we split up, but I can honestly say I'm not 100% sure. I think it was because she was cheating on me, she would say it was because she felt like I wasn't there for her (which in my opinion I was there for her much more than she was for me). This guy may have thought everything was hunky dory in the relationship and the woman just wasn't being fulfilled and it was a lack of communication from her (yes I'm playing devil's advocate here). I wouldn't use this as an excuse to run from the guy, if though he showed little to no concern for your needs, and showed an inability to communicate (which would have been the reason the previous marriage split), that would be a reason to run like hell.
So instead of telling JJ - "I don't know" why wouldn't he just say, -- ya know, my wife just decided she wasn't having fun anymore and it was over. I still loved her but I had to respect her wishes".
Done deal.... no creepy vagueness.0 -
He doesn't want you to know his bad side yet, as you will judge him.
I think he's right, but people are judging him anyway! The guy can't win :flowerforyou:
Well, here's the thing... he has started talking about a long-term relationship- as in, he said he was about to get into the busy season for his job (lots of long hours + travel) and says because of that it's no really no big deal for him to wait until this deployment is over. I wasn't expecting that (and told him so). Not after two months. Not when I'm about to move to where there are lots of attractive singles (didn't tell him that part, lol)
I will have to be honest- there have only been two men I've met in the three years since becoming single where if they were the guy having this convo I'd be cool with giving up that opportunity to flirt around while I'm deployed. Unfortunately, if what I wrote above is true (I heard it from a mutual friend- haven't confirmed it with the guy yet and probably won't) one of those two thinks I am crazy. Lol. That said, this guy adores me, thinks I'm hot (his ex wife was shaped like me, so I believe him), and we get along pretty well (so far). He's tall and broad, good head on his shoulders, and very talented in his field.
So I don't want to throw that away unnecessarily. BUT I just can't get over the "I don't know" thing.
I will have to throw out the "what would your ex say" question when we hang out tomorrow.0 -
For anyone who is curious... I did eventually piece together what happened. It's kinda sad, actually, and really too personal for me to share online (I don't mind telling MY business, but someone else's business is a different story). But I can understand why he wouldn't say anything early on (though I would have preferred he just said something like "I don't feel comfortable sharing the details right now").0
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Thanks for the update, as I was curious. Glad to know you pieced together, but my question is this....does it change anything about how you feel?0
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No change really... I haven't made up my mind about him. I think because I'm moving, I'm just trying to keep an open mind and have fun and see what happens when I leave.
A lot of military guys like to go out with women when one party will move in a few months. It gives the benefit of having a woman dote on you relationship-wise, but if things start getting rocky you don't have to "deal" with it, you just let it ride until you (or they) leave. I've seen it so much that even though this guy isn't military, it's hard for me to believe his interest will last beyond my deployment date.
Even if he remains interested, so many guys I've gone out with insist that they're "grown men" with "real needs" and there's no way they should be expected to not get sexually fulfilled for months at a time that I just have this ingrained doubt that any relationship I get into would actually last right now.0
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