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I need your help
Moe4572
Posts: 1,428 Member
I know this has been asked before, but I never really paid close attention to the answer, because I didnt think I would find myself in the situation.
On Sunday night I talked to a new guy for 3 hours...it was an easy, relaxed conversation and we talked about a variety of different subjects. Found out we knew several of the same people. We had a date set up for next Saturday, and at the end of the conversation, he asked if I wanted to move it to Monday, so I had no plans and agreed. Now, from his picture, I was unsure of wether I would be attracted to him, but figured I won't know unless I try. He is 6'6--HUGE bonus points, and maybe a little heavier than average so that is fine. So, we meet---right away I knew--NOPE, not going to work for me. He was tall--not sure 6'6 is accurate, but close and weight was a little heavier than averge, but then he smiled, and AAAAHHHHH:noway::noway: --he is missing teeth---only has like 3 in the front on top. There are some dealbreakers I can get let slide, but with missing teeth, there is no attraction!!!
How do I tell him? We had dinner, and then went to movie, because we had already had that planned. Right before the movie, he asked "how do you think it is going?" and I said "seems ok", and he said "good, because I like you alot".....seriously? He is a very sweet guy, very nice and caring and seems like he is a great dad. Through the movie, I kept thinking he is a great guy, can I not be so shallow and get past the teeth thing and the answer is NO. If that makes me shallow, then I guess I am shallow, I can't help it.
I can't tell him straight out there is just no attraction..............or can I? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and since he didn't seem self conscious about it, I don't think he even gets it. And, I know he has dental insurance, because that came up in conversation that had nothing to do with teeth
On Sunday night I talked to a new guy for 3 hours...it was an easy, relaxed conversation and we talked about a variety of different subjects. Found out we knew several of the same people. We had a date set up for next Saturday, and at the end of the conversation, he asked if I wanted to move it to Monday, so I had no plans and agreed. Now, from his picture, I was unsure of wether I would be attracted to him, but figured I won't know unless I try. He is 6'6--HUGE bonus points, and maybe a little heavier than average so that is fine. So, we meet---right away I knew--NOPE, not going to work for me. He was tall--not sure 6'6 is accurate, but close and weight was a little heavier than averge, but then he smiled, and AAAAHHHHH:noway::noway: --he is missing teeth---only has like 3 in the front on top. There are some dealbreakers I can get let slide, but with missing teeth, there is no attraction!!!
How do I tell him? We had dinner, and then went to movie, because we had already had that planned. Right before the movie, he asked "how do you think it is going?" and I said "seems ok", and he said "good, because I like you alot".....seriously? He is a very sweet guy, very nice and caring and seems like he is a great dad. Through the movie, I kept thinking he is a great guy, can I not be so shallow and get past the teeth thing and the answer is NO. If that makes me shallow, then I guess I am shallow, I can't help it.
I can't tell him straight out there is just no attraction..............or can I? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and since he didn't seem self conscious about it, I don't think he even gets it. And, I know he has dental insurance, because that came up in conversation that had nothing to do with teeth
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Busted grills = no bueno. Especially when someone has the means to fix it, but doesn't. Yuck.
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Yep, I'd say just come out and say that there's no attraction. Maybe in a text or phone call when he tries to set up the next date. Or you can just poof I suppose.0
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There is no way in hell that I could get past missing teeth. Blegh. That is one of my things. And, there is nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone.
Just tell him that you had a good time but there was no spark for you. That way it is on you and it might not hurt his feelings.0 -
I agree with the rest, unless he plays the part of a backwoods loner perfectly and can jam on the fiddle. I'm pretty sure fiddle players are supposed to be missing teeth. And the fiddle is awesome.0
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I'm going to post a differing opinion here. What if he got his teeth fixed? Would that change how you feel about him?
Honestly, if he doesn't want to then I'd have to say NEXT. I don't know that I could get over that either.0 -
You can't help who you are attracted to.
I have a thing with voices. I can chat or text with a guy. Everything may be going great. He calls me. I can't stand the sound of his voice. Poof.
I'm sorry. I know that sounds shallow. But if hearing his voice makes me want to puke, I just can't go there.
Men are the same way. If they aren't attracted to a woman, there's no way they are going to keep seeing her.
Don't feel bad.
Move forward.0 -
Maybe he has a set of false teeth but they're broken right now?0
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As for him getting his teeth fixed, how do you ask that? I mean, seems kind of rude, and if he had been self conscious, maybe I would have thought he was in process of getting them fixed, but he smiled and didn't cover his mouth, so seemed ok with it--which is great for him, but I couldn't get past it. So, if he did get it fixed or got false teeth or something, it would make a difference, but honestly don't see that happening.
If he has false teeth and they were "broken", he definitely should have waited to go on "first date/meeting"0 -
The teeth thing is a deal breaker for me too. I don't think that it's a shallow vs. not shallow thing, as others have said you're attracted to who you're attracted to. We can't help that, it just is what it is. One of my favorite lines to let someone down easy (as I hate to hurt another's feelings) is I just don't think that we are good match.0
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As for him getting his teeth fixed, how do you ask that? I mean, seems kind of rude, and if he had been self conscious, maybe I would have thought he was in process of getting them fixed, but he smiled and didn't cover his mouth, so seemed ok with it--which is great for him, but I couldn't get past it. So, if he did get it fixed or got false teeth or something, it would make a difference, but honestly don't see that happening.
If he has false teeth and they were "broken", he definitely should have waited to go on "first date/meeting"
I completely understand. I really don't think I could get past it either, and I don't generally consider myself a shallow person. You are attracted to who you are attracted to, and it wasn't there with him. I wouldn't say that makes you shallow. :flowerforyou:0 -
I agree the teeth thing would be such a HUGE turn off. I would be honest and just say you did feel any chemistry. He may be sad but it is better to be upfront so he isn't wondering what he did wrong.0
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There is no way in hell that I could get past missing teeth. Blegh. That is one of my things. And, there is nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone.
Just tell him that you had a good time but there was no spark for you. That way it is on you and it might not hurt his feelings.
^ This.I agree with the rest, unless he plays the part of a backwoods loner perfectly and can jam on the fiddle. I'm pretty sure fiddle players are supposed to be missing teeth. And the fiddle is awesome.
^ And this.0 -
As for him getting his teeth fixed, how do you ask that? I mean, seems kind of rude, and if he had been self conscious, maybe I would have thought he was in process of getting them fixed, but he smiled and didn't cover his mouth, so seemed ok with it--which is great for him, but I couldn't get past it. So, if he did get it fixed or got false teeth or something, it would make a difference, but honestly don't see that happening.
If he has false teeth and they were "broken", he definitely should have waited to go on "first date/meeting"
I don't think it's your plae to tell him to get his teeth fixed. Otherwise you can't see him. It is the equivalent of someone saying, I like your personality but you need to lose another 40 pounds before I can date you. I think the justifiable response to that would be F--- OFF!0 -
As for him getting his teeth fixed, how do you ask that? I mean, seems kind of rude, and if he had been self conscious, maybe I would have thought he was in process of getting them fixed, but he smiled and didn't cover his mouth, so seemed ok with it--which is great for him, but I couldn't get past it. So, if he did get it fixed or got false teeth or something, it would make a difference, but honestly don't see that happening.
If he has false teeth and they were "broken", he definitely should have waited to go on "first date/meeting"
I don't think it's your plae to tell him to get his teeth fixed. Otherwise you can't see him. It is the equivalent of someone saying, I like your personality but you need to lose another 40 pounds before I can date you. I think the justifiable response to that would be F--- OFF!
Yeah, that's definitely off limits.0 -
As for him getting his teeth fixed, how do you ask that? I mean, seems kind of rude, and if he had been self conscious, maybe I would have thought he was in process of getting them fixed, but he smiled and didn't cover his mouth, so seemed ok with it--which is great for him, but I couldn't get past it. So, if he did get it fixed or got false teeth or something, it would make a difference, but honestly don't see that happening.
If he has false teeth and they were "broken", he definitely should have waited to go on "first date/meeting"
I don't think it's your plae to tell him to get his teeth fixed. Otherwise you can't see him. It is the equivalent of someone saying, I like your personality but you need to lose another 40 pounds before I can date you. I think the justifiable response to that would be F--- OFF!
I AGREE, which is why I would never do that
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I feel as if you can tell him. The sooner the better though. You don't want to drag this out.. He is 6'6--HUGE bonus points...--he is missing teeth---only has like 3 in the front on top.
I can't tell him straight out there is just no attraction..............or can I?
Do I feel as if it's superficial? Yes but you can't be expected to date a guy you aren't attracted to!
In all honesty, it would bother the heck out of me personally. I JUST got my braces off in March that I paid for out of pocket. If I'm looking at a guy I'm not saying he has to be a potential star of a Colgate commercial but his teeth will have to be decent.
Just tell him I like you as a person but I don't feel as if it would work out. I'd hate to use a line like "no chemistry" but this may be an opportunite time to use it. It isn't your place to say "Your teeth are eff-ed up!" but I think it's possible to deliver that message softly.0 -
You could explain without telling him exactly why, that you regret to inform him that although you enjoyed the time spent with him you see only friendship between the two of you. If he asks for more just say no chemistry. Which is true on your part..
That should be enough, if not then you will have to hurt his feelings no matter what..
Either way tell him asap… Cause the longer you let him think there is something there the more hope he will have for it..0 -
I'm so glad you asked this question!! I had a hard time with a similar problem: someone I really clicked with I discovered he had bad teeth. I guess lighting was always dim before and I never noticed. It really turned me off, because when he kissed me goodnight all I could think about was those nasty teeth. I went away for a few weeks and he moved on. I was sad about losing his companionship, but honestly I just couldn't think of kissing him deeply with those rotted out teeth.
Almost like, if he didn't care enough to take care of his teeth (something we all see and he needs every day) what else in his life would he not take good care of?0 -
Wow, am I really so different? I would have definitely asked him what was up. He's obviously not hiding it and there could be an interesting story behind what may or may not have happened. It's not rude to comment on something that obvious, especially if he brought up having dental insurance. You can be delicate about it but if he's not hiding something's up. He could have just lost them and is waiting for implants, or is saving up money because the deductible is crazy.
I find it odd that people find it so rude to mention it but not bad at all to write him off over something like this without even finding out more details. Sure if you aren't attracted to missing teeth I get that, but like I said the whole situation could be transitional. I'm not saying you should ever ever feel you have the right to demand changes be made, but he should at least get the opportunity to explain (if there is an explanation) because that might completely change how you feel about something.0 -
I find it odd that people find it so rude to mention it but not bad at all to write him off over something like this without even finding out more details.
You know, i would have thought that too... and if it were ME I'd appreciate someone telling me so I can be aware of this problem....
but when I posted a "should I tell him why I'm not interested" question, most people in this forum told me that would be incredibly rude. That the best answer was to tell him not interested, and then (only if) if he asks why to gently tell him.0 -
I personally don't see any easy way to ask someone about their teeth early on when you first meet. I think they would know right off the bat that it is a turn-off for you and will likely start feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious. It is such a delicate topic - anything to do with looks, esp. the face. Just be vague if you can't see him anymore over the issue. You might not have to spell it out for him to figure out the reason.0
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I find it odd that people find it so rude to mention it but not bad at all to write him off over something like this without even finding out more details.
You know, i would have thought that too... and if it were ME I'd appreciate someone telling me so I can be aware of this problem....
but when I posted a "should I tell him why I'm not interested" question, most people in this forum told me that would be incredibly rude. That the best answer was to tell him not interested, and then (only if) if he asks why to gently tell him.
I didn't mean say "Hey, I'm not interested cause your teeth are ****ed" I mean ask him what's up with his teeth. Honestly saying "Hey, I couldn't help but notice XYZ, is there an interesting story behind it? I hope if you got in a wrasslin' match with a tiger, you won!" or something (that's just off the top of my head, still probably too forward but it's funny). That way you can find out what happened and if there are plans to fix or if he's just gonna leave it.
If he plans on leaving it as is and that bothers you then fine, yeah, you're not attracted. There's nothing you can do and then you can say "Sorry it's not gonna work" but to just write him off over a completely fixable problem?0 -
I would think that if he did have "plans" on having them fixed he would have told you. There is no way in hell I could go on a date with missing teeth and not explain the reason of why they were missing. Like if I had a black eye from playing softball. Would I just go on the date and let him think I get into fist fights daily? Hell no - I'd tell him what really happened.0
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I would think that if he did have "plans" on having them fixed he would have told you. There is no way in hell I could go on a date with missing teeth and not explain the reason of why they were missing. Like if I had a black eye from playing softball. Would I just go on the date and let him think I get into fist fights daily? Hell no - I'd tell him what really happened.
Yeah, but you're a different person.0 -
What I don't understand is why the guy didn't bring it up himself. We're not talking about a minor cosmetic issue (a pimple? a mole?). We're talking about a man missing a significant number of teeth!
He is meeting someone for the first time. Doesn't he think that it's going to be a major issue???? It's like showing up to a date with a parrot on your shoulder. You'd probably want to explain right at the start why you have a parrot with you on the date....
And quite frankly, he better have a good explanation for his lack of teeth:
1 - "Having some dental work done, but unfortunately I'll be like this for a few weeks. Hope you don't mind? Trust me, I'll look even better with teeth! Ha ha..."
2 - "I saved a family of kittens from a burning building, but I had to bite through a steel cable to free them before the house collapsed. In the process, I lost some teeth. Hope you don't mind? I'm planning to get that fixed, don't worry..."
Something along those lines seems ok.
Seriously, what kind of man shows up for a date in that condition and doesn't have a story at the ready???
Sorry, but that is just wrong.
However, when he doesn't mention it, why didn't you ask? That would have been my first question, as soon as I realized no info would be forthcoming: "Um, what happened to your teeth?" I don't view that as rude at all.
--P0 -
I would think that if he did have "plans" on having them fixed he would have told you. There is no way in hell I could go on a date with missing teeth and not explain the reason of why they were missing. Like if I had a black eye from playing softball. Would I just go on the date and let him think I get into fist fights daily? Hell no - I'd tell him what really happened.
Yeah, but you're a different person.
Um.....really? Aren't we all different people. Prahasaurus said the exact same thing as me - beat him up now.0 -
I would think that if he did have "plans" on having them fixed he would have told you. There is no way in hell I could go on a date with missing teeth and not explain the reason of why they were missing. Like if I had a black eye from playing softball. Would I just go on the date and let him think I get into fist fights daily? Hell no - I'd tell him what really happened.
Yeah, but you're a different person.
Um.....really? Aren't we all different people. Prahasaurus said the exact same thing as me - beat him up now.
And yes I'm being childish - every single time I post on here you are a b**ch to me. I don't know why. Do I know you in real life?0 -
What I don't understand is why the guy didn't bring it up himself. We're not talking about a minor cosmetic issue (a pimple? a mole?). We're talking about a man missing a significant number of teeth!
Honestly, any number of reasons could explain why he didn't bring it up - from embarrassment to hey, he may have literally forgotten. It's unlikely but possible.
2 - "I saved a family of kittens from a burning building, but I had to bite through a steel cable to free them before the house collapsed. In the process, I lost some teeth. Hope you don't mind? I'm planning to get that fixed, don't worry..."
I would marry that man on the spot, haha!
However, when he doesn't mention it, why didn't you ask? That would have been my first question, as soon as I realized no info would be forthcoming: "Um, what happened to your teeth?" I don't view that as rude at all.
--P
At least we can agree on that 0 -
I would think that if he did have "plans" on having them fixed he would have told you. There is no way in hell I could go on a date with missing teeth and not explain the reason of why they were missing. Like if I had a black eye from playing softball. Would I just go on the date and let him think I get into fist fights daily? Hell no - I'd tell him what really happened.
Yeah, but you're a different person.
Um.....really? Aren't we all different people. Prahasaurus said the exact same thing as me - beat him up now.
And yes I'm being childish - every single time I post on here you are a b**ch to me. I don't know why. Do I know you in real life?
I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I am utterly baffled at how what I said could be interpreted as *****y in the least.
But yes, that's exactly my point. We are all different people. So my comment was in response to you saying "I would have done X" and I was simply trying to say that then I guess this guy doesn't handle things to way you do.0 -
I couldn't just ask him what happened to his teeth...it didn't look like they got knocked out---kind of looked like they may have rotted out....wasn't like all upper teeth were missing...in the fron where you normally have 4 main teeth...he has 2 and they are in screwy positing...like one big one in the middle where the middle of the two big ones would be if that makes sense, so seems like it may have been that way awhile. Guess partly my own fault because I knew his pic was a few years old.....well, I am going to take the advice of some and just tell him no spark/chemistry.0
This discussion has been closed.