I've put this off long enough....
farmers_daughter
Posts: 1,632 Member
I've wanted to ask this question of people for a long time, I've asked my close friends for their opinions but I feel like they are somewhat coddling me in thier answer. I don't feel like I will totally get ripped apart in here, I feel like I'll get honest answers from people who are living similar lives.
You have no idea how hard it is for me to ask this, I feel horrible about it and please don't kick me out of the group.
For the single mom's out there (however everybody's welcome to put thier two cents worth in)
Is anyone willing to admit that they would prefer to find a single guy with no kids?
I ask this question for this reason....
My last 3 year relationship was with a guy that didn't have kids. We talked many times about having another child, I was ok with that. Things were great, I never pushed my kids on him, I told him from day one, that they are MY responsibility and you are welcome to help me in anyway you can, but don't feel burdened by any responsibility for them. I would have been happy for him to treat them as if they were his own, but I'd never force that on him.
So now...I'm back out in the dating ring....and I'm kind of using the excuse that I'm used to a guy with no kids, but seriously I don't know if I could date a guy with kids (HOWEVER, one kid seems to be a little more ok than two, three etc, weird I know.) the reason I say this....is recently I hung out with a guy (that I had never met before, we chatted online, was looking for something to do) that brought his kid on the outing, we fished. He was about 12 years old and the most well mannered kid I've seen in a while.
I FROZE!
I said maybe a dozen words the whole 4 hours we were out there. We were having fun catching fish, but I kept rolling over in my head the thoughts of what has he told this kid about this strange lady (aka me) I didn't want to say something I shouldn't have. Or lord forbid curse in front of him.
So in the lack of words that I was actually saying in my mind I kept thinking, could I date someone with kids? And I asked myself why I thought that way.... I'm coming to the conclusion that Im intimidated by a guy with kids because will they find out that I'm not a "great" mother, that my house is messy sometimes, that I haven't put my kids in sports yet, that I don't attend PTO meetings, that I sometimes feed them PBJ sandwiches for supper.... I say yes, I'm afraid that I'll meet someone who is a better parent than I. Not saying I'm a bad parent, but I feel inferior. WHY????? Does anyone else feel this way? Oh god I hope so.
It has nothing to do with that person's kids, I'd care for them just as much as my own!
Then comes the issue of if we don't have the same "weekends" (if you catch my drift) it probably wont work. I refuse to have my kids around that person until I know FOR SURE that they will stick around. Am I horrible to think that way too?
Some of my friends have told me that I should look for someone with no kids. But I say...That's not fair to that person, they don't understand the difficulties of being a parent yet...if they do then they are a damn good person and I haven't found them yet. LOL
Oh lord, please don't get out the pitchforks and torches just yet. I think you are a great group of people but I expect some raking over the coals on this one...
Thank you!
You have no idea how hard it is for me to ask this, I feel horrible about it and please don't kick me out of the group.
For the single mom's out there (however everybody's welcome to put thier two cents worth in)
Is anyone willing to admit that they would prefer to find a single guy with no kids?
I ask this question for this reason....
My last 3 year relationship was with a guy that didn't have kids. We talked many times about having another child, I was ok with that. Things were great, I never pushed my kids on him, I told him from day one, that they are MY responsibility and you are welcome to help me in anyway you can, but don't feel burdened by any responsibility for them. I would have been happy for him to treat them as if they were his own, but I'd never force that on him.
So now...I'm back out in the dating ring....and I'm kind of using the excuse that I'm used to a guy with no kids, but seriously I don't know if I could date a guy with kids (HOWEVER, one kid seems to be a little more ok than two, three etc, weird I know.) the reason I say this....is recently I hung out with a guy (that I had never met before, we chatted online, was looking for something to do) that brought his kid on the outing, we fished. He was about 12 years old and the most well mannered kid I've seen in a while.
I FROZE!
I said maybe a dozen words the whole 4 hours we were out there. We were having fun catching fish, but I kept rolling over in my head the thoughts of what has he told this kid about this strange lady (aka me) I didn't want to say something I shouldn't have. Or lord forbid curse in front of him.
So in the lack of words that I was actually saying in my mind I kept thinking, could I date someone with kids? And I asked myself why I thought that way.... I'm coming to the conclusion that Im intimidated by a guy with kids because will they find out that I'm not a "great" mother, that my house is messy sometimes, that I haven't put my kids in sports yet, that I don't attend PTO meetings, that I sometimes feed them PBJ sandwiches for supper.... I say yes, I'm afraid that I'll meet someone who is a better parent than I. Not saying I'm a bad parent, but I feel inferior. WHY????? Does anyone else feel this way? Oh god I hope so.
It has nothing to do with that person's kids, I'd care for them just as much as my own!
Then comes the issue of if we don't have the same "weekends" (if you catch my drift) it probably wont work. I refuse to have my kids around that person until I know FOR SURE that they will stick around. Am I horrible to think that way too?
Some of my friends have told me that I should look for someone with no kids. But I say...That's not fair to that person, they don't understand the difficulties of being a parent yet...if they do then they are a damn good person and I haven't found them yet. LOL
Oh lord, please don't get out the pitchforks and torches just yet. I think you are a great group of people but I expect some raking over the coals on this one...
Thank you!
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Replies
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You know, I've recently been thinking about this. And the reason being is that time for just the two of us would be so limited I think it could be really difficult to create a decent relationship between us....not kids, not family, but us. The differing weekend would play a major role in the picture and further complicate the issue.
I've dated someone with no kids, and it was infinitely easier than someone with kids. When my kids are with their dad, unless other plans were made we could spend time getting to know each other better/dating. I've also dated someone who had their kid pretty much all the time. And that's tough, because we very rarely got any time just the two of us. And while it's important that the kids and the adults all get along, you have to have a solid base between the two of you first, imo.
The guy I just started seeing has kids, but they are older and live out of the house so in essence he doesn't have the same level of responsibility for them anymore and again it's much easier. I wouldn't disqualify a man based on if he had kids or not, but there are definite pluses to no kids/older kids. Again, the time I don't have my kids I can spend getting to know someone for who they are amd judge whether they would be good for me and my kids both. I don't typically introduce my kids to any guy I'm seeing until I know that it has the possibility of being someting good/long-term.
I don't know if that helps or not, but maybe gives you another perspective on the same situation. :flowerforyou:0 -
I think it's always good to re-evaluate what you are doing in anything, so dating isn't any different. You have new data to assess your position on men with children - why not consider if you can widen your dating pool?
One of the things I'm sure all single parents know is that it's impossible to be perfect. So what if you don't go to the PTO meetings or occasional do PB&J sandwiches for dinner? I bet all those single dads can also confess to too many trips to McDonalds or missing a ballet recital, etc. Single parents can't do it all all the time and at a perfect standard. Hopefully, everyone knows this and not just single parents!
Think of this too. What if he IS a better parent than you? Wouldn't that be nice? You could learn from him. One of the things I a value greatly from all of the relationships I have been in has been what I have learned from my partner, no matter how things turned out. That makes me a better person in some small way, if only being a little more knowledgeable, although sometimes people can greatly change my way of thinking on something. I think this is a question (him possibly being a better parent) to to embrace!
I'm saying this all as someone who has never dated a single dad, of course - I think because of my age and desire to have children, I don't get many matching me. (ETA: I have no children of my own either!)0 -
The whole issue of kids is a complex and sometimes controversial one.
There is no escaping reality in that it can affect how a relationship can develop (I guess,no real great personal experience).
Still though it does seem you are letting your mind get the better of you and are going a bit to the extreme in finding "issues" to worry over just to be honest about it.
At my age,assuming I can someday escape this hell hole I live in,am guessing that if I don`t keep something of an open mind about most things I will put myself in a situation just as barren as here but with people around.
Have a preference but also maybe try to move yourself to accept lifes realities a please don`t start wondering if a guy is judging you as a mother.
While I can`t speak for anyone but myself I will go out on a limb and say I bet that is nearly the last thing any guy will be thinking.0 -
Well done on posting!! :happy:
What comes across most strongly in your message is your fear of being judged negatively as a parent. That's such a pity, as it may affect your chances of meeting the right guy for you. If I was you, that's the main thing I'd work on as I think it's quite different from the general single parent dating dilemmas.
As for the question about timing - I wouldn't want to meet a guys kids too soon and I wouldn't want him to meet mine until I was fairly sure the prospects for the long term were very good. This does make dating more difficult but I'm not comfortable doing it any other way so I am happy to be single until such a time as I have more time available for dating and a relationship in general - if that's what it takes. I prefer to date guys who have had kids as they are more likely to be understanding about this and the reasons for it. I don't think it's horrible not to introduce someone to my kids who may not stick around. They get attached to people very easily and although they are very happy now, they have had loss in their lives already when their family split up. I'd do anything to avoid them having to go through that again. Many single parents feel the same.0 -
For the single mom's out there (however everybody's welcome to put thier two cents worth in)
Is anyone willing to admit that they would prefer to find a single guy with no kids?
ABSOLUTELY!! You shouldn't feel any shame in that- the #1 reason 2nd marriages end in divorce is inability to blend the families. I don't care if he's ever been married before, but it is soooooo much easier dating someone who doesn't have kids.
This is why I don't get upset at guys who say they don't want to date a woman with kids. I get it.
It's hard enough for me to juggle *my* schedule around my son (nothing ever runs smoothly!) let alone both my son AND his kids. Plus, they often feel like "kids come first" and I believe that once you are married, the relationship between you two comes before the kids. And, not only that, but the guys I meet usually only see their kids every once in a while, and think they're the expert in 24-7 single parenting (uh, no, you're not), and wanna lecture me on how to rear my son.
AT the same time... there's been some advantages to dating a guy with kids- especially if he is a full-time single parent like I am: They "get it" about schedules and babysitters and all the unpredictability and drama that comes with having kids, they value the "chick-fil-a date" and the "park date" as low-cost ways to get to know each other w/o impacting the kids. And, even better: a couple of the guys I've dated have teenage daughters and that's cool (they come with built in babysitters once I get to know them).Im intimidated by a guy with kids because will they find out that I'm not a "great" mother, that my house is messy sometimes, that I haven't put my kids in sports yet, that I don't attend PTO meetings, that I sometimes feed them PBJ sandwiches for supper.... I say yes, I'm afraid that I'll meet someone who is a better parent than I
next time you feel like this, remember that it doesn't matter. He's looking for a companion, not a mother. Later he'll care about whether you would be a good mom. But right now whatever guy you're on a date with cares about one thing: how good he feels about himself when you're with him.
If, on the first couple dates, he's sizing up your mother-skills, then you probably don't want him because he's probably not interested in *you* as much as finding a replacement mom -any mom- for the kiddos. In a good relationship, when the time comes to worry about being a mother... well... there's NOTHING wrong with not attending PTO. You're busy putting food on the table (even if it's PBJ- a very nutritious meal compared to hot dogs and mcdonalds btw). So what if your house is messy sometimes? I doubt his is spotless. If you have to choose between doing stuff for you and the kids and a slightly messy house, I sure do hope that YOU and the KIDS win. Kids aren't in sports? they'll live! And if he cares, then maybe he's not the one.
I hope that's encouraging- I hadn't realized how much I wrote until now!!0 -
I agree with lorro... I think it's more an issue of them judging you rather than them having kids.
I actually think the guys with kids will understand a house in semi-disarray (not sloppy) and will understand time constraints.
Nobody is perfect... heck, I have some of the same worries you have - especially about my home! But, with two active girls on the go, and a house full of teenagers on the weekend, I do what I can. If I'm judged too harshly about having this or that out of whack then this is not the man for me.
I think the man you went out with showed poor form taking his son with him. It didn't give you the opportunity to get to know him or be able to be yourself. He probably missed out on a great opportunity to get to know you... assuming you don't go out again, sans kid.0 -
Do you know who think they know everything about how to raise kids..... those who do not have any lol
I have kids and my new bf has kids also. Does it complicate things? You bet but how can I ask someone to accept my kids while I can't or won't return the favor? Maybe because I am not getting preggo again in this lifestyle but it was important for me that he had kids.
I say try to be open minded and maybe see a psy to help with your insecurities as a mom. I know that it was the best thing I could do for myself and my kids since my daughter's father destroyed my self esteem as a mom completely0 -
i would love to find a guy that is about 30, without kids..........
that's what i want, but i kinda doubt i'll find it. seeing as how i have no one interested in me, and no prospects on the horizon it's all just pipe dreams at this point :-)0 -
I am not getting preggo again in this lifestyle but it was important for me that he had kids.
oo I forgot about this... this is a very important point as to the good things about dating a guy with kids. I'm not planning on having anymore. And many guys who already have kids are ok with that.0 -
I've thought a lot about this lately, too. There were a few kinks with my last relationship related to children that neither of us dealt with very effectively, but I'm hoping I've learned something...
Our only daughters were best friends, and this is how we met. Having kids the same age (artificial twinning) is hard because there isn't a natural hierarchy. Actually, it totally sucked and I wished like hell they were a year or two apart. The relationship ended with an element of judgment (not only related to parenting, but did include parenting). I don't think that this is inevitable, I've learned a lot, and know there's an art to blended families that I could feel challenged by, and invest time in trying to make work with the right person. But I DID NOT feel this way until I had worked through the break up, and had some distance. A big hell no to guys with kids for a little bit, but now it's not a determining factor.
Also, my parents have been married for 40 yrs., and my dad had a 6 yr old and an 8 yr old from a previous marriage, so I have a frame of reference for problem solving here that a lot of people don't. And I only have one child which I'm guessing would make a blend a lot less complicated.
I absolutely don't see anything wrong with your questioning your preferences on this issue- that's smart. My guess is that you wouldn't completely rule out someone you were interested in because of kids? But you'd acknowledge your preference and think it through more with a specific person in mind.0 -
I don't like this tendency to be so binary (yes/no, one/zero) before you meet someone. Although there can be exceptions: drug use, alcoholism, bad teeth... ;-) Even kids, if you really feel strongly about it.
And by the way, this is another thing I don't like about on-line dating, as it encourages this approach to partner selection, which can psychologically carry over into the "real world." On-line dating is first and foremost about filtering: this body type, this age group, this far from me, divorced or not, hair color, whatever...
However, the problem most seem to have here, myself included, is a *lack* of quality partners to date. And why would you want to exacerbate that problem by filtering out even more potential mates? What's the harm in giving the person a chance, even if they have children, just to see? You're just shopping, there's no obligation to buy...
Also, I purposely avoid meeting my date's children until I'm comfortable with her. I've had a date ask me if I wanted to go to the zoo with her son (for example), even though we had only been out twice previously. I politely refused. I really don't want to get children involved until I'm confident the relationship has a decent chance of succeeding.
My kids are a red line for me. They are still young, and will be living with me for another 9-10 years or so. If I don't think my potential partner can interact well with my kids, then the deal is off. It's not about finding a mother for them, they already have one, even though she is forever AWOL. It is about meshing well, having a good relationship, being a good example, etc. It introduces another variable into the process. So yeah, it's complex.
I don't blame the OP for wanting a man without kids, all other things being equal. But all of the other things are rarely equal...
--P0 -
I don't limit myself or my potential partners based on whether he has kids or not. I do, however, take into consideration how well we would mesh if he does have kids. Would his kids get along with my kids? Would he get along with my kids? What is his parenting style like? Would his kids annoy the fire out of me?
But it sounds like you are more concerned about being judged about your parenting skills.
I can clean my entire house, from top to bottom. I can get all the laundry done, have the bathrooms sparkling, the floors swept and mopped, the dishes all clean and put away. Then, guess what happens. The kids come home. They bring their friends. They get hungry and get food out. They go outside to play with water balloons and water guns. They dirty about eight towels. They get hungry and thirsty again. They get more food out, more bottles of water. The boys decide to play with Legos. The girls decide to play with Barbies. "Mom, can we make a spa for the Barbies in your bathtub?" Sure, baby." The older kids play video games and get on the computer. Then, they get hungry again. LOL It's a neverending cycle. My house is definitely not perfect. But my kids are clean, fed, and they have clean clothes to wear, and they eat out of clean dishes. They may not have everything they want, but all of their needs are met. It's okay.
About not putting your kids in sports... so what. Most kids are way too busy anyway. Today's society pushes kids to be involved in this or that. I'm not judging those who do, but I definitely don't judge those who don't. At one time, I was so busy going to and from activities with my kids... I had to have a calendar to keep up with everything... I was working and going to grad school... cooking, cleaning... and I had to stop and realize we were too busy. I cut down on some of the activities and instead of running to and fro here and there, I decided to spend more quality time with the kids. Families/parents/society in general is busy. As a single parent, sometimes, we just have to put the brakes on, slow down, and catch our breath.
You care about your parenting skills. That shows me that you want to be a good parent. If the desire is there, you're well on your way. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sure, if there is something that needs to be changed or improved, do it. But just remember that you aren't superwoman, and you don't have a cape, and you can't fly.
And the right man, kids or no kids, will realize this.0 -
Curious.0
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Well, I'm single and kidless and I recently began dating someone with kids. It hasn't been too complicated, but I haven't met the kids yet. We both agreed it would be a while. It does make it difficult to see each other though because she has custody about 5 days a week, but it works because I'm not the type of person that needs to see somebody more often than that. She's mentioned that she tried seeing someone with kids and it was too difficult to find free time to see each other.
But if there's one thing I realized in my may years of dating, it's to keep an open mind. I almost let someone really amazing slip through the cracks because I thought I didn't want to date anybody with kids. If you meet someone awesome enough nothing else really matters. I think a lot of people really need to get over this preconceived notion that things are supposed to happen a certain way.0 -
I haven't read all of the replies yet but I thought I would give you my two cents.
Personally, I prefer to date men with kids. The men without kids that I have dated don't seem to understand the commitment. I have 50/50 custody. So on the weeks I have the kids I don't want to get a babysitters all of the time. That time is for me and my kids. I feel like the non-parents I have dated took more time texting and calling even though I said between 5-8 is not a great time. Again, these are just the experiences I have had.
On another note. I had a friend ith kids who married a man without and now they are close to divorce. He doesn't understand raising teenagers and wants them out of the house once they graduate. She wants to provide for them as long as tey are going to college. This is something I think should have been worked out long before they married but again I feel that the commitment level is not there on his part.
The person I dated for over 2 years had two kids, the same ages as mine, and it worked out well. Our schedules matched and although we didn't intorduce the kids right away, once we did they got a long great. I relize this isn't typical but it really worked out great.0 -
Im intimidated by a guy with kids because will they find out that I'm not a "great" mother, that my house is messy sometimes, that I haven't put my kids in sports yet, that I don't attend PTO meetings, that I sometimes feed them PBJ sandwiches for supper.... I say yes, I'm afraid that I'll meet someone who is a better parent than I
next time you feel like this, remember that it doesn't matter. He's looking for a companion, not a mother. Later he'll care about whether you would be a good mom. But right now whatever guy you're on a date with cares about one thing: how good he feels about himself when you're with him.
If, on the first couple dates, he's sizing up your mother-skills, then you probably don't want him because he's probably not interested in *you* as much as finding a replacement mom -any mom- for the kiddos. In a good relationship, when the time comes to worry about being a mother... well... there's NOTHING wrong with not attending PTO. You're busy putting food on the table (even if it's PBJ- a very nutritious meal compared to hot dogs and mcdonalds btw). So what if your house is messy sometimes? I doubt his is spotless. If you have to choose between doing stuff for you and the kids and a slightly messy house, I sure do hope that YOU and the KIDS win. Kids aren't in sports? they'll live! And if he cares, then maybe he's not the one.
I agree with this 100%. Out of the fathers I have dated NONE have a spotless house, mine isn't even close. And I don't think any of them would care about a PB&J supper, they have done it too on a busy night. My last realtionship I did learn somethings from him, I am a bit "high strung" and he was very, very low key. One of the things I learned from him was to step back and let me kids fail just a little, that is how they learn. So I guess I am saying you can learn from other parents, male or female.0 -
If you meet someone awesome enough nothing else really matters. I think a lot of people really need to get over this preconceived notion that things are supposed to happen a certain way.
VERY well said!0 -
i would love to find a guy that is about 30, without kids..........
that's what i want, but i kinda doubt i'll find it. seeing as how i have no one interested in me, and no prospects on the horizon it's all just pipe dreams at this point :-)
Knock off the pity party. You have some strikes against you when it comes to dating. You have 5 kids and need to lose weight. Granted, these aren't the most ideal circumstances to meet a guy. Don't make it worse by becoming a depressed mope too. The self pity is more unattractive than having a large family or being overweight. It is also counterproductive for your weight loss goals.0 -
dude i don't think you know me well enough to call me a depressed mope!!! so please, stop.
you just spelled out my reality. trust me, it's in my face every single day. i live it. you don't.
the LAST words ANYONE who knows me in real life would choose to describe me is "depressed" and "mope."
i accepted that when when my marriage ended i would have a hard time ever finding another partner. it doesn't depress me. it doesn't make me a mope. it keeps me grounded. it keeps me focused on the things that really matter, my kids.
if i was depressed and mopey about my situation, i would be hooking up with the skeevy guy across the street, and the dude that keeps texting me for sex. but, i don't. WHY????? because i'm not desperate. i'm not mopey. i have self esteem and will NEVER lower myself to those levels.
i'll tell you what, the next time you ask two different girls to go have some fun with you and they both say NO, but then ask you for naked pictures or tell you that you need to have sex with them because it would make everything in your life ALLLLLL better, THEN you can tell me that i'm not allowed to get PISSED OFF about not NEEDING A GUY ( cuz i don't NEED a guy) but WANTING someone to be with and spend time with, and have fun with!!!!! someone that thinks i'm better than JUST SEX!!!!!!! deal?????0 -
I know keeping an open mind about relationships is great, but as a kidless woman, I'm about 95% sure I will never date a man with kids again. It's kind of easy for me since I'm still young, but I've dated two single dads, and in both situations our relationship was only put first about 3% of the time. There was never enough time for us to build a solid foundation for our relationship. I agree with Janie when she says that after marriage, the marriage should come before the kids (in general).
The good news is, after my marriage ended, I swore to myself I would never even HAVE children of my OWN because the way I felt I was treated and used turned me off to kids, but now that I'm dating a very nice man with a good soul, I can actually see myself starting a family someday with him or someone like him.0 -
I have no problem dating someone with kids. Ive dated like 3 or 4 guys with kids.
to be honest it would save me from having to go through the part i DONT WANT - which is carrying one.0
