Insecurities suck!
Katefab26
Posts: 865
Ok, so every thread I read about insecurities has all kinds of advice along the lines of "You need to get over your insecurities". Well, this is great advice. What I would like to know is, how do you get over them?
Some days I feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world, then I talk to people or read something about how men prefer thinner women, blah blah blah, and I'm right back to feeling like friggan Quasimodo, wondering how in the world anyone could ever be attracted to me. I realize that I'm neither of those extremes, but how do I get to the point where I actually see the attractive woman people tell me I am?
Help?
Some days I feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world, then I talk to people or read something about how men prefer thinner women, blah blah blah, and I'm right back to feeling like friggan Quasimodo, wondering how in the world anyone could ever be attracted to me. I realize that I'm neither of those extremes, but how do I get to the point where I actually see the attractive woman people tell me I am?
Help?
0
Replies
-
I wish I had some great advice because I deal with the exact same thing. Some days I feel like I am beautiful and other days I feel like something that crawled out from under a rock. I am working on not letting some things bother me, like reading that men prefer skinny women, etc. I also try to do affirmations to remind myself of all my good qualities.
It is a long, long road to self-confidence.0 -
It's a really good question! I'm not sure I have anything useful to add, except to say that you are not alone in either feeling like this, or your frustrations with the well-meaning but non-specific advice to just "get over it". Easier said than done, right? I think the hardest thing is consistency - I know exactly what you mean about feeling great one day, and awful the next.
I suspect the business we both work in doesn't help either - highly subjective, highly critical and fraught with professional peril.0 -
Everyone has insecurities. There is no definitive definition of beautiful. I'm 5'11 and for a long time I was above average on the weight scale (HW 190). A friend had asked me the other day if I get more attention now at a slim 148 or then, and I'd have to say it hasn't mattered. Some guys love tall slim women. Some guys love tall women with a booty. Some only are attracted to short women (my height is never something I can change as much as I'd ever want to try). Some men in my dating bracket will only look at you if you are 22-26 years old (I'm 33 and don't want children). It doesn't really matter what you look like on the outside, people will always find you attractive if you learn to love yourself on the inside. Confident always rules out over pretty.
I lost the weight for me because I knew I wasn't as healthy as I could be. My new man (too new to take myself off the market forever), loves me for me now and I know would love me if I gained 1/2 my weight back, but I wouldn't love me as much as I do now and that's the game changer. He just wants me to be happy with me and is supportive in every way possible.0 -
One thing is to keep in mind where you want to be and not get hung up on visions that no matter what you do there will always be someone thinner.
Yes there will and so what,it doesn`t matter,you want to find yourself attractive for who you are and you want a guy to as well.
That does not mean sit back and say,take me as I am if you are not happy with it either.
The ongoing thread right now about teeth is a bit difficult to read as I hate mine and obviously most women will as well.
Like it or not it is a fact that will not change and I know it so no use fighting it.
I am pushing close to 5 grand worth of dental work in the last 18 months with that much more and up to spend yet to "fix" it.
Mostly for dental health reasons,fix them or lose all eventually but hopefully will make me feel better overall.
I guess what I mean is don`t resent the realities of life,work to fix them and be happy with where you are going.0 -
Here's the other thing: people tend to assume that I sit around hating myself when I mention insecurities. It's simply not true. I am an intelligent, talented, fun young woman who has the ability to talk to anyone and enjoy the conversation. The one problem area for me is how I look, and it gets very frustrating to me that I possess all of these great qualities but nobody seems to care.
Honestly, most of the time I'm fine. Lately it's been getting hard to keep fighting :sad:0 -
They happen.
Erin Andrews, the very attractive sideline reporter formerly of ESPN (now at FOX Sports), was videotaped surreptitiously in her hotel room naked. She's got a terrific body but she said after the fact that she has had some body image issues. Even supermodels have them.
I often think that whatever I am insecure about, the other person usually has even more insecurities than I do. I find that to be a helpful way to think.0 -
Here's the other thing: people tend to assume that I sit around hating myself when I mention insecurities. It's simply not true. I am an intelligent, talented, fun young woman who has the ability to talk to anyone and enjoy the conversation. The one problem area for me is how I look, and it gets very frustrating to me that I possess all of these great qualities but nobody seems to care.
Honestly, most of the time I'm fine. Lately it's been getting hard to keep fighting :sad:
Sending empathetic hugs. :flowerforyou: I know exactly what you mean, not that it really helps, but still...0 -
I get it and feel the same way, Kate! 90% of the time, I do feel really good. I KNOW that I am smart, funny, caring, and yes sometimes, I even feel pretty. But that other 10% of the time is hard. I fight feelings of not being good enough, that no man I'm interested in ever seems to want me back, and that I'm too smart and independent for my own good... and then I let those feelings affect my actions. The first night of my cruise I let myself go to bed at 11:30 instead of heading off to the singles event because I was intimidated by my friends. It was a sad moment for me at the start of a great vacation.... but I got over that enough to go have fun and stop worrying about it.
So here's what I did. I first shared it with my other friend, asking her to kick me in the pants when she saw me acting that way. She also shared with me that I intimidate her because I've lost so much weight while she's gaining, I always dress better, and I'm so much better spoken (her words). It was eye opening to realize I was having the same effect on her as my other friends on me. I also decided I had to do something different when I felt like that, hence the post about getting way outside my comfort zone with a short dress and heels that looked good but left me nervous, haha...I talked to men more, got out and danced on our snorkeling excursion, and just made myself STOP. I also made myself start finding good things consciously in others and suddenly I saw them in myself. Then I didn't focus on what was wrong!
Good Luck Kate... it may be a life long battle, but oddly, it does get easier...0 -
What ultimately worked for me was that I knew I was bettering myself. Instead of seeing things that I hated and resented about myself I would see bits that I needed work on - things that I knew were getting better. On the flip side it helped that as far as my personality I've never given a **** what other people think. I suppose that as my fitness got better so did my confidence and my attitude morphed into also not giving a **** what someone thinks about my body. Just the other day some homeless guy called me a "Fat C***" because I told him "No, thanks" when he asked me for money. It struck me because about two years ago it would have bothered me, but instead I just said "At least I can afford to feed myself." then moved on.
It starts small. You have to make forceful positive changes. Negativity manifests and grows and takes over everything. Clouds of doom and gloom. You just need to introduce a positivity fan to blow those away. I've said this before in another one of your threads but I suppose it got lost. When you think of something negative force yourself to say something positive. It can be small it can be big and it has to be TRUE. You can't lie to yourself. When you look in the mirror and you see yourself and you go "Wow I'm a fat cow" have that thought then shake it off and think "Wow, my eyes are beautiful, and since I've been losing weight they are more noticeable". Every negative thought should be countered with positivity until it's something that happens on it's own and you don't have to think about it anymore. It takes time. A lot of time. It takes effort. But ultimately that's how you "get over it".
Well, it's what worked for me anyway.0 -
So here's what I did. I first shared it with my other friend, asking her to kick me in the pants when she saw me acting that way. She also shared with me that I intimidate her because I've lost so much weight while she's gaining, I always dress better, and I'm so much better spoken (her words). It was eye opening to realize I was having the same effect on her as my other friends on me. I also decided I had to do something different when I felt like that, hence the post about getting way outside my comfort zone with a short dress and heels that looked good but left me nervous, haha...I talked to men more, got out and danced on our snorkeling excursion, and just made myself STOP. I also made myself start finding good things consciously in others and suddenly I saw them in myself. Then I didn't focus on what was wrong!
Oh man, this is so true too. Having a friend that tells you from the bottom of their heart what they think of you, surprising you with things you didn't even realize about yourself... that's the best kick in the pants ever
0 -
Sending empathetic hugs. :flowerforyou: I know exactly what you mean, not that it really helps, but still...
It does help. Thanks :flowerforyou:0 -
What ultimately worked for me was that I knew I was bettering myself. Instead of seeing things that I hated and resented about myself I would see bits that I needed work on - things that I knew were getting better. On the flip side it helped that as far as my personality I've never given a **** what other people think. I suppose that as my fitness got better so did my confidence and my attitude morphed into also not giving a **** what someone thinks about my body. Just the other day some homeless guy called me a "Fat C***" because I told him "No, thanks" when he asked me for money. It struck me because about two years ago it would have bothered me, but instead I just said "At least I can afford to feed myself." then moved on.
It starts small. You have to make forceful positive changes. Negativity manifests and grows and takes over everything. Clouds of doom and gloom. You just need to introduce a positivity fan to blow those away. I've said this before in another one of your threads but I suppose it got lost. When you think of something negative force yourself to say something positive. It can be small it can be big and it has to be TRUE. You can't lie to yourself. When you look in the mirror and you see yourself and you go "Wow I'm a fat cow" have that thought then shake it off and think "Wow, my eyes are beautiful, and since I've been losing weight they are more noticeable". Every negative thought should be countered with positivity until it's something that happens on it's own and you don't have to think about it anymore. It takes time. A lot of time. It takes effort. But ultimately that's how you "get over it".
Well, it's what worked for me anyway.
This is actually incredibly helpful!!! Like I said, it is hard when people just tell you to "get over it" without offering any solutions. NC, your advice really helps too!
As a side note, this guy at work just told me I have sexy hair. Maybe things are looking up? :laugh:0 -
Fake it til you make it. I've come a long way in the last 3 years from the girl standing in the corner who was too scared to talk to men (b/c I still felt like my ex would jump out and kill me) to the person who can strike up a conversation with most strangers during my travels. Putting yourself out there enough will result in more positive experiences as you get more confident and comfortable.
But also be realistic. I have to accept that due to size, ethnicity, single-momhood, religion, family idiosyncrasies, whatever the pool of guys that will want me is smaller than it may be for the 9 out of 10 women next to me. But I don't need all 9 at my beck and call. The 1 will do just fine. When I go out with my friends (most of which are younger than me) I don't get too upset that they catch more male attention than I do- I knew that going into the scene.
At the same time, don't beat yourself up for what's not in your control! IMHO, out of the top 10 reasons why a man might not be interested in me, only two (size and religion) are within my control. So there's no sense stressing about it, or hating myself. I can't control the family I was born into, I can't control the fact that I became a single mom, and I don't have enough money to change my coloring like Michael Jackson (lol!).
Hope that helps some! You're gorgeous, and there's no reason you shouldn't feel that way, even if you haven't achieved your size goals.0 -
Good Luck Kate... it may be a life long battle, but oddly, it does get easier...
I think this is true. I am so much more confident than I was as a teenager, but I have a long way to go. I deal with insecurities every day. About my weight, about my looks, about my abilities, about everything. It's not every second of every day, but it definitely crosses my mind a few times. It's about really dumb things half the time, things that are so dumb I won't even share them here. I know I have my good things about myself and that helps, but it is just hard to get over those insecurities.0 -
The only thing I can say is that the older I get, the more often I find myself thinking "Eff it" of what others think about me. That doesn't mean I don't have insecurities because I definitely do! I just realize that I made it this far in life and I'm the only one holding myself back when I spend too much time dwelling on them.0
-
The only thing I can say is that the older I get, the more often I find myself thinking "Eff it" of what others think about me.
Odd, the older I get, the more often I find myself wanting to dance in public with unsuspecting people. (And hoping for a miracle hair loss cure)0 -
I agree. And all I can say is that you arent the only one who has them.
Oh, and you are beautiful!0 -
I agree. And all I can say is that you arent the only one who has them.
Oh, and you are beautiful!
Aw. Shucks :blushing: :flowerforyou:0
This discussion has been closed.