8-23-2012 Truthful Thursday
ccoester
Posts: 43
I am exhausted today... and truthfully, I don't know if I'll be able to manage a work-out tonight.
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I've been missing some workouts too, but determined to go tonight no matter what. It's possible for me to achieve steady weight loss by diet alone, but I always end up feeling too deprived after awhile. I've already told myself that when I go tonight, I can immediately eat back my calories as a reward. Probably not best to reward myself with food, but man, it's what I want!0
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I was awful yesterday - went 400 calories over my goal. Tired, didnt work out!! grazed ALL day despite the fact that I was not hungry - oh wellllll.......0
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I'm late, I know . . . but this whole week has been crap and I feel like I need to vent/splurge/blab. Last week, I was doing marginally well staying within my limit. Then, we got the news Thursday afternoon that my father-in-law had passed away (he was only 46, and diagnosed with cancer barely 2 weeks ago). I feel really guilty about not taking the kids to visit him one last time; he was in the hospital for probably 2 weeks with pneumonia when they found the cancer, and we were going to visit him when they let him go home; they gave him 2 months to live at that point. He was barely in his own home for 24 hours when he passed away. So, being the emotional eater that I am, I overindulged that night - no real dinner, just chips and salsa and beer. Then Friday was my stepson's birthday, so I made chocolate chip pancakes and we went out to dinner; definitely over that day. Saturday was the party with cake and all that jazz (and more beer later). A lot of the extra emotional eating that weekend was trying to be happy for the kids, especially the birthday boy, and not so much the surrounding cakes and snacks. Sunday was a family condolence barbecue with my mother-in-law. So, Monday, I tried to start with a renewed dedication to my personal body beautification project. And I FAILED! I let myself get too hungry before dinner and ate the rest of the cupcakes! GAH!! The rest of the week has been okay - I've been staying mostly within limits, but my heart's just not in it.
In conclusion, last weekend was the death and the birthday party, this weekend will be the funeral (and, most likely, more emotional eating/drinking), and next weekend I'm going to visit family for yet another birthday party and more drinking!
That's my truthful day. I blame myself for every single one of my failures this past week, and I think that's what's been discouraging me. I feel like I've been forcing myself to eat healthy and go to the gym this week; I'll just fake it til I make it, I guess.
Sorry for the long post, I just felt like exploding on the screen lol.0 -
I am so sorry for everything you have been going through. I can really relate to your description of the emotional eating and then the emotional issues that follow that. I can go back through my 25 year weight gain and see where life tragedies and major events took me out of making the best decisions where my health was concerned. I'm honestly trying to SEE things different now, and then actually ACT differently. It's a process, not something I will ever fully obtain, but I can make progress toward my goals if I can focus on that being my real problem, not a number on a scale. I WILL get there if I don't give up, but the real problem is I always give up. And I give up because I let my thinking take me out of the game. Your use of the word failure is a big one for me. If I start thinking I failed because I got off track for a few days (or weeks) then I will stop doing what I know will eventually work. Fake it till you make it is a wonderful slogan, because the beauty of it is just that, you WILL make it. Your heart has to catch up with your actions, and they will, but only if you keep up the actions. I try to see this journey as a road that I am on. I make best progress when I am in the center of the road, making straight direct progress with even strides. When I start veering off to the left or the right a little, yes my progress is slowed, but I haven't failed, just slowed my best rate of progress. Even if I stop and sit down and rest a little on my road, I haven't failed, just not moving forward. I'm still on the road. My whole goal this time is to not turn around and go in the opposite direction down my road, or worse, change to another road that will never lead me to my destination. I know from many, many past experiences that it is extremely hard for me to admit in that moment that I am completely on the wrong track, and that it takes an almost complete loss of self esteem for me to surrender to this health process (again) and start over. I've mentioned before that I have a slogan on my mirror that I read every day..."if you are tired of starting over, then stop giving up." Weaving a little side to side on our roads when the sun is blaring in our faces, or sitting down for a rest when we are emotionally drained is not giving up. It is a smart response to understanding the bigger picture. Your statement "I blame myself for every single one of my failures this past week, and I think that's what's been discouraging me" is so true, but not because you have failed, it is that ACT of blaming yourself that is discouraging you. That and seeing small veerings off your path as failures. You have not failed. You might have veered a little (or maybe you think into the ditch!) but you are still walking toward your goal. I see such wonderful success in your post. Look at everything you have been through and still here you are posting and taking actions that move you forward. Incredibly hard and yet you are doing it! Way to go!! Keep up your honesty about your emotions and feelings but don't let them dictate your actions. Feelings are not facts. Just because I feel like a failure (or worthless, or unloveable, or any of the lies my emotions/feelings can tell me) doesn't mean it's factual. I too, am sorry for the long post, I guess I also just felt like exploding on the screen.
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