Does size really matter?
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ReneeJ814
Posts: 72 Member
I'm getting a bit discouraged here. I'm 25 and I've never been in a relationship before. It used to not bother me that much, but I'm at the age where I'm ready to find somebody to share my life with. All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships. I'm smart, funny, kind, patient (most of the time), and have a huge capacity to love. I think that I'm a great catch, but I've always had a weight problem. The good news is that I'm getting it under control now. Since I've lost some weight, I'm starting to think that I'm a little attractive. I really think that my weight is a major thing that has held me back. I know that looks and size don't matter too much to the girls, so I guess this is a question for the guys. Does size really matter when it comes to dating? When is it going to be my turn to find Mr. Right?
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I'm 24 and similar. Never really been in a relationship. However I have several other friends, currently all in different states at the moment, who have also never been in a long-term relationship. They are both bigger and smaller than me. Some are pretty dang atheletic! I also have friends, all age ranges and all sizes, who are in relationships. Sometimes I wonder how is it they can find a relationship or how they haven't found one yet - but I wonder the same about me, how haven't I found one? I think a mix of timing, personality, body language, understanding, luck, perspective, and ability to interact/connect has a great more deal to do with it than size.
I know I have a lot of limits right now that I am working on. I also know I don't have open body langauge which can make me difficult to approach and also my flirting style is pretty much nonexistent. I tend not to always like people who like people like me - basically they and I don't exactly match up in common interests, likes, activities, personality, etc. Most importantly for me, I'm self conscious and not as confident when it comes to dating. Because I'm hesitating I know others hesitate with that. If I don't think I want to go for something, why should they?
Anyway my two cents and perspective. I know I have a very-very long way to go when it comes to dating but I know it's not my actual size holding me back but what's in my head and how my present myself to others (body language, appearance, tone, choice of words.)
ETA: My current avatar is a good example. While I'm not on this site to date, I could pick a more flattering photo and present myself in a better light. I am just choosing not to.0 -
I think most of us who have been overweight would agree that it certainly limits your options. Good for you for getting healthier while young. I wish I had done it at 25!0
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I was probably your age when I had my first real relationship and I wasn't overweight. I think it's just dumb luck and timing sometimes to meet someone with whom you really click and that you're both available. I got married a few years later. I knwo this is a question more for the guys, but I just wanted to say don't be disheartened just because you don't have someone else's relationship history at your age. All of that won't matter when the right guy comes along.I'm getting a bit discouraged here. I'm 25 and I've never been in a relationship before. It used to not bother me that much, but I'm at the age where I'm ready to find somebody to share my life with. All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships. I'm smart, funny, kind, patient (most of the time), and have a huge capacity to love. I think that I'm a great catch, but I've always had a weight problem. The good news is that I'm getting it under control now. Since I've lost some weight, I'm starting to think that I'm a little attractive. I really think that my weight is a major thing that has held me back. I know that looks and size don't matter too much to the girls, so I guess this is a question for the guys. Does size really matter when it comes to dating? When is it going to be my turn to find Mr. Right?0 -
I'm getting a bit discouraged here. I'm 25 and I've never been in a relationship before. It used to not bother me that much, but I'm at the age where I'm ready to find somebody to share my life with. All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships. I'm smart, funny, kind, patient (most of the time), and have a huge capacity to love. I think that I'm a great catch, but I've always had a weight problem. The good news is that I'm getting it under control now. Since I've lost some weight, I'm starting to think that I'm a little attractive. I really think that my weight is a major thing that has held me back.I know that looks and size don't matter too much to the girls, so I guess this is a question for the guys. Does size really matter when it comes to dating? When is it going to be my turn to find Mr. Right?
You are kidding right?
Self image as it relates to size is 1000+ times more an issue to the lady then it is to a guy.0 -
Agree with Carl.... size does matter to women. At least it does to me. I don't want an overweight man that wants to eat fast food every day. I want someone that is fitness minded...
As to your original post... just keep doing what you're doing. As you lose weight the playing field WILL open up. However, once you get there you have to be confident in yourself and your body. Don't shut down.... You're young.... you'll find someone. Never settle.0 -
I think many women have a very broad size range they will date. My ex had a big gut when I fell for him. Healthy lifestyle and exercise wasn't a priority for me then like it is now. Even so, I still wouldn't discount someone who is overweight (I'm not talking about morbidly obese here though, but overweight) as long as he had some desire to try to have a healthy lifestyle. I did go out on one date with someone who was obese and it was clear he wasn't ready to change his life and self-esteem was the pits because his weight. Really off putting... as much as the 4 pints of beer he drank for our first meet lunch date.
Where a lot of women are much picky generally for choosing a size on dating sites, I believe, is height.0 -
You are kidding right?
Self image as it relates to size is 1000+ times more an issue to the lady then it is to a guy.
I saw your "You are kidding" and thought finally, someone will be honest... but I gotta say, Carl, I am going to disagree seriously on part of your statement! Walk around anywhere and you are 1000x more likely to see an overweight man with a thin woman than the other way around. I sat in multiple restaurants and Barnes& Noble this weekend and ironically, this is exactly what I was looking at. HUGE slant toward heavy men and thin women (relatively speaking). I'm not saying there aren't women who your statement applies to, but women tend to change their opinions of men more as they get to know them versus men making a decision on whether they'd sleep with you then getting to know you enough to either just be friends or be more.
Absolutely do looks and size matter though. We should all be honest here. As a larger woman, I thought over and over again "why won't anyone respond or be interested in me" and silly things like "He should like me for who I am, not how I look"... Yeah Right! Those thoughts stop you from being honest with yourself. Of course men will like you more when you're small just like you'll want better options as you get smaller as well. Attraction is important and for most people, they're more attracted to someone in shape (or that weigh less) than someone larger. You'll get there. THEN it'll be your say in who you want, not wanting someone else to want you first!0 -
Where a lot of women are much picky generally for choosing a size on dating sites, I believe, is height.
Yes, this is more of a woman's issue than size. Ask any guy under say 5' 6" and see if he doesn't feel the same as any overweight woman. Women like to look UP to their men. The worst part for guys is that height isn't changeable unlike weight!0 -
Generally speaking, weight matters. A thin and/or fit woman is going to have more options. A positive attitude is one thing that can help an overweight woman, but that only goes so far.
Both men and women will be attracted to a nice physical specimen.0 -
Don't let the fact that your friends are in relationships or married. This is your time right now to focus on you!!! As for weight, it does matter, but with that being said, focus on you and as Daisy said - the field will open up greatly for you. Since you are still so young, you have a lot of time left to see where your life rolls out.
Take this time for you - focus on you :flowerforyou:0 -
You are kidding right?
Self image as it relates to size is 1000+ times more an issue to the lady then it is to a guy.
I saw your "You are kidding" and thought finally, someone will be honest... but I gotta say, Carl, I am going to disagree seriously on part of your statement! Walk around anywhere and you are 1000x more likely to see an overweight man with a thin woman than the other way around. I sat in multiple restaurants and Barnes& Noble this weekend and ironically, this is exactly what I was looking at. HUGE slant toward heavy men and thin women (relatively speaking). I'm not saying there aren't women who your statement applies to, but women tend to change their opinions of men more as they get to know them versus men making a decision on whether they'd sleep with you then getting to know you enough to either just be friends or be more.
Absolutely do looks and size matter though. We should all be honest here. As a larger woman, I thought over and over again "why won't anyone respond or be interested in me" and silly things like "He should like me for who I am, not how I look"... Yeah Right! Those thoughts stop you from being honest with yourself. Of course men will like you more when you're small just like you'll want better options as you get smaller as well. Attraction is important and for most people, they're more attracted to someone in shape (or that weigh less) than someone larger. You'll get there. THEN it'll be your say in who you want, not wanting someone else to want you first!
You misunderstand,I mean size as far as how a lady views herself,not a partner.
As far as it goes there is a bizarre to me but very real "thing" where women find a big guy something to swoon over regardless their character because it makes them feel small.
Sorry to be blunt but it is a stupid thing really although reinforces what I said about size of herself being a major issue to many or most ladies.0 -
Of course not! It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the ship!
Wait... that's not what we were talking about... :blushing:0 -
You misunderstand,I mean size as far as how a lady views herself,not a partner.
As far as it goes there is a bizarre to me but very real "thing" where women find a big guy something to swoon over regardless their character because it makes them feel small.
Sorry to be blunt but it is a stupid thing really although reinforces what I said about size of herself being a major issue to many or most ladies.
I should have known that I was misunderstanding if I really thought I'd disagree with you, Carl! My apologies, and I do agree with you, so all is right with my world :flowerforyou:
I think women compare themselves a lot to others and men really don't (for physique size anyway, haha :blushing: ). I will be the first to say it's hard to figure out what is normal and where you stand relative to it. I laugh every time I see a fairly large guy put "About Average" online and really do think he means it versus women like myself who agonize over whether we're BBW, full figured, Curvy, etc...for fear of being humiliated when someone says you chose wrong (yes, that's really happened to my friends). Don't get me wrong, plenty will lie, both men and women, but that's about getting your foot in the door I think...
I get what you're saying about women choosing larger men to feel smaller. It's not typically a size thing with that though and more about feeling secure and feminine. I know I don't feel as feminine if I'm worried I'll squash him, haha. Well, ok seriously, we've been taught as little girls to be feminine, to want the fairy tale, and unfortunately very few guys could pick me up let alone carry me across a threshhold at this point so I'm more inclined to pick someone who could, admittedly.0 -
Of course not! It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the ship!
Wait... that's not what we were talking about... :blushing:
Thank you, Laura, for help me not feel like the only perv here because admittedly that's what I was expecting with this topic... I was looking forward to the debate, DANG IT! :grumble:0 -
Of course not! It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the ship!
Wait... that's not what we were talking about... :blushing:
Thank you, Laura, for help me not feel like the only perv here because admittedly that's what I was expecting with this topic... I was looking forward to the debate, DANG IT! :grumble:
Man, I would LOVE to read that thread... :drinker:0 -
This might sound cliche but it's all about the other persons preference. Trust me, there will be a lot of people out there that will find you attractive as you are and for you!! Does size matter?? Not really.. but for some, maybe it does. For me, it doesnt. hmmm. maybe I didn't read the post thoroughly but that's what I got out of it.0
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Of course not! It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the ship!
Wait... that's not what we were talking about... :blushing:
hahahaha.
:laugh: 0 -
Like someone else said, women don't seem to care as much if the guy is overweight... but guys do seem to care more if the woman is overweight.
My personal anecdote on this: 2 years ago, I had a Match.com profile that resulted in very few contacts. I recently tried it again, and continue to have so much contact that I have to use my deployment as an excuse to not meet guys (only so many days I'm available in a week).
My profile is EXACTLY the same EXCEPT for new pictures showing me 10-15 lbs lighter.
10-15 lbs. That's it.
I know some of you reading this think I'm over-exaggerating, but I've noticed it at other times too: For example, I've just come back from a trip where i gained 10+ lbs. And I'm turning less heads than I normally do around town, even though I came home with a fabulous European wardrobe that makes up for any drop in confidence that may have come with putting on weight. I'm sure by next week, when I've lost the rest of my vacation weight things will be back to normal. I've noticed this happen every time I pick up weight (which is usually due to travel- either personal or for my job).
And lest anyone think I'm tiny: Right now I'm in my lane bryant size 1 jeans (XL/14W/16M). My regular (pre-vacation jean) is a 14.
Folks always try to make women feel better by saying how much weight they carry doesn't matter. My experience has shown that a) it DOES matter but also b) you DON'T have to be a size 0 to attract guys.0 -
Of course not! It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the ship!
Wait... that's not what we were talking about... :blushing:
Thank you, Laura, for help me not feel like the only perv here because admittedly that's what I was expecting with this topic... I was looking forward to the debate, DANG IT! :grumble:
Oh, no. This is exactly where my mind went, too!0 -
I'm getting a bit discouraged here. I'm 25 and I've never been in a relationship before. It used to not bother me that much, but I'm at the age where I'm ready to find somebody to share my life with. All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships. I'm smart, funny, kind, patient (most of the time), and have a huge capacity to love. I think that I'm a great catch, but I've always had a weight problem. The good news is that I'm getting it under control now. Since I've lost some weight, I'm starting to think that I'm a little attractive. I really think that my weight is a major thing that has held me back. I know that looks and size don't matter too much to the girls, so I guess this is a question for the guys. Does size really matter when it comes to dating? When is it going to be my turn to find Mr. Right?
You're an attractive girl, clearly intelligent (advanced degree, coherent sentences, etc.), funny and kind (although I'll have to trust you on that), but - as you know - you need to lose some weight. You need this for two reasons:
Obviously, you'll attract more men. Overweight women are not typically as attractive as normal sized women. Shocker! ;-) It's a statistical game. Animals typically do not like outliers, unless it offers you a very compelling evolutionary advantage. Being obese, sadly, does not fall into that category.... :-)
However, the second reason you need to lose a bit more weight will soon become the most important: self-confidence. You've probably given yourself few opportunities over the years to be in a relationship because you've lacked self-confidence. You even note how you're becoming more attractive in your own eyes, now that the weight is coming off. Keep it up! This is so important to men, I can't stress this enough. A self-confident woman is extremely attractive! So you are developing a virtuous circle: weight loss makes you more desirable, plus it builds self-confidence, increasing motivation to reduce the weight further, etc., etc.
Btw, you don't need to be super thin. Even if you're in the "overweight" category with your BMI, but carry it well (you dress nicely, you walk well, you smell nice, you're self confident, etc.), then your dating pool will increase infinitely. Being obese, however, is a problem. You don't need to shoot for supermodel status, which may be unrealistic genetically for most women. Just a nice, feminine physique, combined with all of the other things you have going for you, will be a guy magnet, trust me.
Final point: luck is also important... :-( You can do everything right and be a bit unlucky. But don't get discouraged. That's just life.
--P0
