Men do.

Look at the inbox of any attractive, 20 something woman. It is flooded.

Men do.

Look at the inbox of any attractive, 20 something woman. It is flooded.

I am not sure if that is entirely true. On the site I am on almost every guy indicates that he wants to be contacted. I sometimes see the same person visit my profile 5 or 6 times and they never send a message. On the other hand, I am 39 and receive a good amount of messages every day so, maybe there is hope for more than jsut the attractive 20 something woman.

Just saying.

Forget about rules and abstract but meaningless desires to be pursued.
Give yourself the best chance you can.

On the other hand, I am 39 and receive a good amount of messages every day so, maybe there is hope for more than jsut the attractive 20 something woman.

Just saying.

I'd like to add to this that I'm mid 30s and many of the guys who write to me online are in their 20s. If and when we have a conversation they all say the same thing, which is that women their age have too much drama, are selfish and completely stuck up. I'm not judging here, just noting that there is a common theme in what they've told me...

For me lately most guys aren't messaging on POF but I am getting about 5 "wants to meets a day". I am not new on it and I am in my mid 30s so I am not expecting a ton of messages but it seems that guys have changed from sending out mass "Hi" messages to just clicking on the wants to meet button. So if I get one of them and I think I might connect with them I will message them. My issue is that I really not finding any one worth messaging on it. I don't know if half the guys are lying about their age or what but most look at lot older then what they say.

So I've started the whole online dating thing...oy vay! I'm wondering though, are men expecting women to make the first move? I don't mind putting myself out there but it would be nice to be the one being chased. Am I expecting too much wanting a man to contact me first? I've gotten several profile views, but no one makes the first move...unless it's me! Maybe we're all so afraid of rejection we don't want to put ourselves out there...which means we'll be single forever and the world population will dwindle because no one is procreating...OMG the world IS going to end!!!!!!! :noway:

I've been on a couple sites at different times and probably have a similar experience as mentioned above. I'm going to write about my experience kind of lengthy detail so you can see what I've been frustrated with, like you, and what has worked for me.

At 38, I was on eHarmony. I had a lot of men view my profile but very few contacts. Of the ones that did initiate communication, many would poof along the way. I ended up going on one first date with a six month subscription. I didn't worry about having large quantities of contacts because I had written my profile to be very specific rather than a more general one that could be a better match for more people. At the time, I wasn't interested in casting a wide net. I sent first questions only to a handful of men, one of whom was the only date I went on, but I approached it for the most part thinking it was important for men to make the first move. Before my subscription was up, I met someone on the advice forum for the site (where we all complained about the lack contact! LOL!) whom I dated long distance for a year.

Fast forward to New Years Eve this year, and I guess I was bored and joined up again. What a waste of money. Again, lots of views, few contacts, and a single, extremely uncomfortable date in my six month subscription. I wouldn't do eHarmony again if they gave me a subscription for free. I get the feeling that people there are looking for the absolutely perfect match because that's what the marketing has promised.

I joined OKCupid and had a much different experience. I had some men contact me and I replied to every single one of them, even if it was giving them back the one word hi the sent me. I also liked the site's searching system and sent a message to a couple people - one never responded, but I think he left the site and the other asked me out and we dated for a few months.

Last Thursday, I decided to relaunch my OKCupid profile and also one on POF I never gave any serious effort in (back when I was first on eH). With POF, I've had several people add me as a favorite or click on the would like to meet me button, but not send me a personal message. I think with this site, men are initiating communication in this very passive way. They are casting as wide a net as possible, as Dave said. Is just clicking on a button making the first move? I'm not so sure that it's enough of an effort in to initiate with me - it's on par with the messages I get that are just "hi". Meh. I did find someone whom I'd really like to meet to see if we can be friends if not date when I did a search and I sent him a message - got a reply and a phone number yesterday. I also sent a message to someone, not really a good match for me, but he was complaining on his profile that women never initiate contact with him. He never replied to me.

From OKCupid, I got two contacts initiated, one who is kind of bonkers and I ended up blocking after a couple exchanges, and a second, who is someone I never would have sent a message myself looking at his profile, but who seems nice and has now sent me his phone number too Friday night.

So, to summarize my experience - I have seen a lot of window shoppers. On sites where there is a feature to show that you would communicate with someone that requires minimum effort (such as the would like to meet button to click), men will go that route more than sending a personal message because they are fed up with sending messages to 100s of women who don't respond. Sending a very personalized message to men that talks about things in their profile that are a good match or that shows a sense of humor (if the profile is very humorous) will likely get a response, but not always, but those ones to me are worth the time invested and risk of rejection. By the way - I'm 42 and still looking for someone who is interested in having kids, which narrows my dating pool in the extreme when using the search engines. Most men in my dating pool are looking for younger women or have had their kids already and don't want any more, or never did want children.

What I think is you should definitely search around and find men who are very good matches for what you are seeking and send them a message. Not getting a response doesn't hurt all that bad. Hopefully, you will also get contacted by others who might be good matches, but it's not apparent from the profile, especially as many people don't fill those out adequately to get a sense of who they are, IMO. Online dating can be what you make of it and if you just sit back and wait for matches to come to you, you will get less out of it. Just consider that someone who might be exactly who you're looking for might have been on the site for months already and really frustrated at the lack of response to his messages. It pays to be proactive sometimes!

If you end up making the first move, that's okay, the men can still have the opportunity to be the one to ask you out on a date!

I'd like to add to this that I'm mid 30s and many of the guys who write to me online are in their 20s. If and when we have a conversation they all say the same thing, which is that women their age have too much drama, are selfish and completely stuck up. I'm not judging here, just noting that there is a common theme in what they've told me...

There's a lot of truth to that. In the US, Gen Y (approximately birth years 1980-1994) is probably the most narcissistic cohort to ever walk the face of the Earth. There's a lot of drama and self centeredness in this age cohort.

I generally like it when women make the first move. It's nice to know that some one saw your profile interesting before you approached them. It's very rare but I've actually ended up dating a girl a few years ago who made the first move to write first. It works sometimes.

J

The guys will write us back for a bit but it always falls through. Not sure if this is true, but I've been told it's because the guys are looking for someone whose affection they have to earn, a challenge, and that (though there are exceptions) the competitive male nature does not generally value that which is freely available.

I've heard this before as well. I wonder if there is a writing style that might engage men better after the contact is initiated - maybe being a little more aloof and not looking overly keen so the men know they've got to do some chasing still. Or maybe not responding to messages right away. There must be some way to apply psychology here (not game playing).

I just started recently as well. To me, it doesn't matter who initiates what. I guess it comes down to one question: are you willing to lose a potential opportunity with someone you're interested in? If yes, wait for him to contact you. If no, do something.

As it was pointed out, you can't be sure the other person will even see your profile (especially if the pool is larger in your area).

Amen.


Don't wait around too long... If he doesn't make first contact, then there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you doing so.

Like Anna said, "Women are totally allowed to do that in the 21st century!"