I think that's just human nature. What fun is it chasing people who are equal to you? There's always more reward and sense of accomplishment landing a partner that's hotter, wealthier, and better looking than you. Pretty much everyone (including myself) does the same exact thing. So you certainly aren't alone.

I don't need to be able imagine making out with someone for a second date, but it's absolutely necessary for me to not be repulsed by the idea. Neutral or interested. You're doing the right thing by not going out again.

I would say don't lower your standards. Maybe lower your expectations of finding everything you would like in one person, but don't settle for someone who does things you think are inappropriate (like the chest staring).

You want to attract more attractive men? Make yourself more attractive by losing weight and putting attractive pictures in your profile. It's a fact that us gals with weight to lose will be overlooked by many men for that one factor alone.
You want to attract men who share an interest of yours? Use that as a search criterion or join some kind of group or maybe an online forum dedicated to your interest.

I wouldn't for a second think that you are necessarily ATTRACTING those men. Many people in online dating are just fishing blindly and indiscriminately, hoping for a bite.

And Mellie, I have no idea what the gap is, which is why I'm confused. I can accept part of it being appearance/ size related, as we all know your options change and generally improve as you do. Outside of that, where are all the intelligent, funny, active, charming men my age?! Not online, evidently, haha...

Once we meet someone, there is attraction or not based on an unconscious level and pheromones and all that instinct and evolution stuff.

Once we meet someone, there is attraction or not based on an unconscious level and pheromones and all that instinct and evolution stuff.

I doubt this is the major factor in attraction honestly.
Although thinking like certainly helps coping because it makes one feel less empowered in this domain (seduction/relationships).

Anyway, pick up artists have demonstrated that there are patterns that you can use in the initial phases of seduction at least.
To temper this though, it has also been demonstrated that success brings more success at an hormonal level, as it affects your self confidence, body language, or in general how attractive you are to other people (so if you manage to get in the right frame of mind, your success will attract more success). But I firmly believe it is best to take an active part in that success initially, until it comes to you naturally.
This is probably close to the law of attraction which I see mentioned here and there.

My pet theory is that some of the worst in society have evolved some charm, it keeps them alive and free to procreate. Someday maybe a scientific study will prove me right. Meanwhile, I do watch my back around any man too charming for my own good. :laugh:

I really dont think you should date someone you're not attracted to! Urgh!

If you are lowering you standards then perhaps that is what you ARE attracting, a lower standard! Or at least what you're making yourself become because of this internet BS that just lowers self esteem!

Stop it now and go for who you WANT! When you start believing that you deserve him, you will attract him! :flowerforyou:

Thank you for saying this, Anna. I had a rough weekend for some unknown reason but once my rational self returned, I realized I was sabotaging myself. I emailed NO ONE over the weekend on either POF or OKC… you know why? I didn’t want to settle for those I thought I could get a response from yet convinced myself the others wouldn’t respond so why bother. SO I DID NOTHING! Ridiculous and I see that now… I’m not going after the guys I want either, so why should I be surprised at the outcome.

I also really loved Flam’s point about the header of this post. It makes more sense to me now that you do attract who you are (and LESS) because I wouldn’t have even gone out with someone if we didn’t have SOME connection, but that doesn’t mean it’s enough or even that they’re representing themselves honestly.

Lastly, Mara, I’m a dog person and can’t imagine being the cat lady, haha….My dog fills the need for unconditional love, but that’s about it! I don’t think I’m old enough yet to completely give up on having a sex life (God I hope that never happens), and I’m not paying for it nor picking up strangers, so until that day comes, I’ll keep trying, take the occasional beating from it, and hopefully get back up stronger and keep going!

He went in for a good night kiss, and I slid to the side for hug.

But now it's left me wondering... is there a way to fix the difference between what you want and what you attract?

The whole concept of a pick up artist I find deeply offensive because it seems to be a predator, dishonestly taking advantage of that.

I think that's just human nature. What fun is it chasing people who are equal to you? There's always more reward and sense of accomplishment landing a partner that's hotter, wealthier, and better looking than you. Pretty much everyone (including myself) does the same exact thing.

My pet theory is that some of the worst in society have evolved some charm, it keeps them alive and free to procreate. Someday maybe a scientific study will prove me right. Meanwhile, I do watch my back around any man too charming for my own good. :laugh:

You don't need a scientific study to prove it,simply watch and listen to how many women react to the emotional aspects (romance) and the arbitrary things that make them gush to the point of ignoring character flaws that are obvious.

The whole concept of a pick up artist I find deeply offensive because it seems to be a predator,dishonestly taking advantage of that.
He sucks but ladies would do themselves well to recognize their emotions and protect themselves for falling for the charades.

It's not just men who get away with murder because they're charming and/or really good looking, some of the nicest guys I know have taste in women that is every bit as bad as my taste in men used to be. These women take high maintenance to a whole new level, and they tend to be unbelievably crazy train wrecks, too. Not sure how they get away with it, but I admit, I was always a bit envious at the attention I saw lavished on them despite their personalities. Sorry to say, whatever genetic combo it is that lets someone be crazy, obnoxious, and sometimes downright mean and still get dates, I missed out.

I find it very amusing that on dating sites many men assume that women do not care about looks. I have told a few when I politely declined communication that the reason was I wasn't attracted..(only when asked why)..they were completely shocked. I think most women think they look like Rosie O Donnell (sorry Rosie) and most men think they are Brad Pitt. I for one don't need much to develop an attraction when the personality connection is there. But there has to be SOMETHING :sad:

OMG, this is so true. I'm often amazed at the men who contact me, clearly having not read my profile, because they live life on a couch. But I think it goes back to Mike's earlier point... there seem to be a lot of people "reaching up" to find dates instead of looking for an equal. Or perhaps they really DO think they are Brad Pitt, ha! I feel confident I don't reach out of my league... and would in fact say I tend to err the other direction, hence my first problem mentioned!

I get what you’re saying, PJ, but really what you’re seeing is a symptom of not having any experience. I really am about the equivalent of a 15 year old at this, so I’m running the gamut of reactions each time I stick a toe in the water. I’m OK with that; it’s a natural reaction that is part of learning. It sucks to go through it at 36 when it seems abnormal to react this way.