Guy in the Friendzone, what should he do?
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
What should a guy do if he is in the friendzone, and the object of his affection starts dating someone else?
Ladies, if it were you, and one of your guy friends really wants to tell you now that you're dating someone, how would you want the guy to respond?
Here's my advice: If I were the girl, I’d probably prefer you wait until that relationship falls apart (after all, if you’re perfect for me, it will, right? lol) and then tell me that seeing me with someone else made you realize what you lost and how you never want to lose me again.
If you are interested in a woman… tell her BEFORE she starts dating someone else! Don’t wait until she’s seeing someone else to suddenly declare your love. Especially if you have been friends a long time. What do you expect her to do? Dump him and go out with you? She might. But then, would you want her (or would you always be worried she'd dump you when someone who seems better on the surface comes along). Or, she might wonder why she wasn’t desirable enough to ask out all that time you were friends (like maybe you didn't really like her romantically, but now you just can't stand the thought of someone else with her).
Ladies, if it were you, and one of your guy friends really wants to tell you now that you're dating someone, how would you want the guy to respond?
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As long as it would be an appropriate relationship (i.e. we don't work together or anything), I would want them to tell me straight up, as long as I'm not seriously dating anyone. If I'm just casually dating around, then it wouldn't be a big deal.0
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It's never too late. She might feel the same
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The best solution for men is to avoid the friend zone entirely with women you are attracted to as you are unlikely to get out. Best case scenario is that you get sex once to maybe a few times when she's coming off some emotional event. And most male-female friendships don't have that best case scenario. Even under best case scenario, the time spent in that friendship frustrated comes with an opportunity cost of not pursuing a real prospect and developing a real relationship with far more frequent sex.0
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What should a guy do if he is in the friendzone, and the object of his affection starts dating someone else?Here's my advice: If I were the girl, I’d probably prefer you wait until that relationship falls apart (after all, if you’re perfect for me, it will, right? lol) and then tell me that seeing me with someone else made you realize what you lost and how you never want to lose me again.
If you are interested in a woman… tell her BEFORE she starts dating someone else! Don’t wait until she’s seeing someone else to suddenly declare your love. Especially if you have been friends a long time. What do you expect her to do? Dump him and go out with you? She might. But then, would you want her (or would you always be worried she'd dump you when someone who seems better on the surface comes along). Or, she might wonder why she wasn’t desirable enough to ask out all that time you were friends (like maybe you didn't really like her romantically, but now you just can't stand the thought of someone else with her).
Ladies, if it were you, and one of your guy friends really wants to tell you now that you're dating someone, how would you want the guy to respond?
Don't say anything, or if you do, don't expect me to drop the new guy for you even if I did like you before too. If you declare your love while I'm dating someone else, it would appear to me that you were jealous or wanted to ruin what I have with the new guy. I agree that he should say something before she starts dating other people.0 -
As long as it would be an appropriate relationship (i.e. we don't work together or anything), I would want them to tell me straight up, as long as I'm not seriously dating anyone. If I'm just casually dating around, then it wouldn't be a big deal.
I agree with this.0 -
As long as it would be an appropriate relationship (i.e. we don't work together or anything), I would want them to tell me straight up, as long as I'm not seriously dating anyone. If I'm just casually dating around, then it wouldn't be a big deal.
I agree with this.
But what if it's now serious, as in they are exclusive? I used to think I would want my old friend to tell me, just like in the movies, but now that I’m getting close to someone an old friend hinted that he was interested. This is someone who I told I liked him and he did NOT want more than friends at the time. So I’m actually offended. Like why didn’t you ask me out before? It’s not about “me and you,” it’s about you, your jealousy and/or your issues/insecurities. You didn’t want me when you had me in your back pocket all that time, but now someone actually is talking about long-term and you suddenly wanna man up? I don’t think so!It's never too late. She might feel the same
If this had come up a month ago, I would have said exactly this. But today (as you can see above) my answer to this guy is 180-degrees different.0 -
Yikes... just re-read that... I'm really not as emotional about it as my last post reads, lol!0
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The few serious relationships I've had have all started with guys in the friendzone. However, nothing anyone could say to me would impact when/how this change would happen. It was always on my terms- which I realize was hard for them, but reality.
Confessions from male friends have actually made me less likely to change the relationship status to romantic. If I had just started dating someone else exclusively there is almost nothing that would sway me toward a friend that I hadn't considered more than a friend beforehand.0 -
This is someone who I told I liked him and he did NOT want more than friends at the time. So I’m actually offended. Like why didn’t you ask me out before? It’s not about “me and you,” it’s about you, your jealousy and/or your issues/insecurities. You didn’t want me when you had me in your back pocket all that time, but now someone actually is talking about long-term and you suddenly wanna man up? I don’t think so!
Haven.t you ever changed your mind about someone or something? I have! And a lot of people in life do 180s, about all sorts of stuff, all of the time.
Given that we are creatures of mood, experience, habit, change, circumstance, emotion................etc I woulnt be offended if someone simply changed their mind. Being in the right place at the right time is a very true cliché!
I soooooooo wish that a guy I want in my life would do a 180!!! :brokenheart:
I think the fact that the way he feels now is 'inconvenient' to you is actually YOUR problem. It shouldnt stop him from speaking out. Now the ball is your court, and undoubted that you will tell him to sling his hook! (that's East London English for saying NO WAY!! lol) However, in 6 months time when Mr Beardburn and you have run the course (if?), you may verywell feel like doing a 180 yourself!!
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You're right that I have had guy friends appear to change their mind and I was absolutely THRILLED! You guys in this forum observed one such case where I thought this happened but he wasn't really into me. The difference between then and now was that I wasn't in a relationship when they acted or said they were interested.
In THIS case, I dunno.... I suspect the guy who I'm asking this question for just didn't have the guts to ask her out all this time, preferring to be friends because at least he can be around her rather than risk being shut out of her life by asking her out. And she might even be thrilled if he tells her he cares for her.
In my current situation, I'm not really "in" a relationship, though it could be headed that way, but even so I can't help but wonder if the guy really likes me all the sudden (realizes what an awesome woman he lost) or if he's just seeing all the pics of me and Mr BeardBurn all over facebook and is shocked that I'm no longer still pining away for him. So him trying to get my attention now would be more of an ego boost for him, a challenge to reassure him he's still "got it."0 -
He should quit pining and move on. He either didn't go for it when she was single, or she rejected him when she was single. So instead of putting him life on hold and being that guy that waits for her to give up and settle he should find a girl that actually likes him and have a fabulous life with a better match.0
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Turning it around, what about a girl/woman who is in the 'friendzone' (weird word!)/has stronger feelings for a man she is friends with? Assuming the guy she likes is in a relationship, should she tell him, or wait until he is free? How do the guys here feel about this? Does your opinion change if there has previously been a spark of mutual interest that was not acted on because of circumstance?0
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In my current situation, I'm not really "in" a relationship, though it could be headed that way, but even so I can't help but wonder if the guy really likes me all the sudden (realizes what an awesome woman he lost) or if he's just seeing all the pics of me and Mr BeardBurn all over facebook and is shocked that I'm no longer still pining away for him. So him trying to get my attention now would be more of an ego boost for him, a challenge to reassure him he's still "got it."
You always seem to err on the side of negativity when deciding a man's motives. I guess this is based on your experiences and those of your friends. Dunno!
But not all men are douches. In fact, most men do have morality and a conscience. And it takes a lot for anyone to declare their feelings fully well knowing its an awkward situation and what the repercussions may be!
But if you think this guy is the type who will win your heart, let you leave your current beau, and then take you for a ride to nothingsville, then why are we even having this conversation?0 -
Turning it around, what about a girl/woman who is in the 'friendzone' (weird word!)/has stronger feelings for a man she is friends with? Assuming the guy she likes is in a relationship, should she tell him, or wait until he is free? How do the guys here feel about this? Does your opinion change if there has previously been a spark of mutual interest that was not acted on because of circumstance?
It's risky! You risk upset, rejection and maybe loss of friendship, so not a light decision. But yeah, if I felt there might be a chance and/or I just needed to know if he ever felt the same, and if my feelings are strong enough, I would tell him. To coin a phrase, life is short!! :flowerforyou:0 -
But if you think this guy is the type who will win your heart, let you leave your current beau, and then take you for a ride to nothingsville, then why are we even having this conversation?
Because I am giving advice to someone and I wanted to know what you all think (seeing as my advice *is* colored by my current experience).
Sounds like most people would prefer the guy to speak up.0 -
I guess I am the odd man out here because if there was a lady I liked but she had not done anything to indicate that was mutual and then started seeing another guy it would just confirm my belief she wasn`t interested.
Saying something at that point seems an exercise in futility bordering on appearing spiteful.
I don`t see how any lady would respond positively and really to think about it why would a guy want a lady that indifferent and fickle.0 -
That is tough .. is he really sure that he likes her or is it because she is with someone and he sees it getting serious and wants to make sure he doesn't lose his friend. There is a difference.
My first instinct is to say that you had your shot when I was single. I don't think it is nice to mess with people if they are happily in a relationship. I am sure he wouldn't want some guy coming to her if she was in the relationship with him.0 -
I guess I am the odd man out here because if there was a lady I liked but she had not done anything to indicate that was mutual and then started seeing another guy it would just confirm my belief she wasn`t interested.
This.
If the women was never flirty with him, then she wasn't interested. It'd make little to no sense for the guy to say anything at this point.
In my experience, if a woman is even remotely interested, she'll flirt. Unless the girl has zero flirting skills, then she'll constantly put men in the friend zone (I've seen that too).0 -
But if you think this guy is the type who will win your heart, let you leave your current beau, and then take you for a ride to nothingsville, then why are we even having this conversation?
Because I am giving advice to someone and I wanted to know what you all think (seeing as my advice *is* colored by my current experience).
Sounds like most people would prefer the guy to speak up.
Sorry, I thought the subject was about YOU!! :laugh: Misread something there, but yeah, my thoughts are that it takes a lot for a person to admit feelings, let alone in an awkward situation like this, so it would be rare for those feelings not to be genuine.0 -
I guess I am the odd man out here because if there was a lady I liked but she had not done anything to indicate that was mutual and then started seeing another guy it would just confirm my belief she wasn`t interested.
This.
If the women was never flirty with him, then she wasn't interested. It'd make little to no sense for the guy to say anything at this point.
In my experience, if a woman is even remotely interested, she'll flirt. Unless the girl has zero flirting skills, then she'll constantly put men in the friend zone (I've seen that too).
A lot of the time people put themselves in the friendzone by being unable to flirt or express themselves. Perhaps they are just shy, lacking confidence, feel like its pointless...........etc.
It takes one person to start the ball rolling, male or female. She isnt going to flirt with him if he has shown no (romantic) interest in her!!!
Catch 22!!0 -
I think it would depend on if he put himself in the friendzone or if I did.
What I mean is ..is he a friend because he never showed romantic interest in me? And we get along and I just assume that like most other men in my life he's not interested....so even though I have a small crush he just is a friend.
In that case tell me for god's sake.
If its the case of we met with the intention of dating..seemed to have no chemistry..but became friends...then I would not really want to know..let me be happy dating someone if it seems to be going well.
Really both scenarios are just fantasy for me anyway. My only guy friends are married or dating other people..lol so no secret crushes are happening.0 -
In my experience, if a woman is even remotely interested, she'll flirt. Unless the girl has zero flirting skills, then she'll constantly put men in the friend zone (I've seen that too).
^^ This is me to a tee...I'm a poor flirt and every guy I'm interested in becomes a close friend. Don't assume just because a woman isn't flirting that she doesn't have feelings. Of course, when you know someone well enough, you'd know that about them I suppose.0 -
In my experience, if a woman is even remotely interested, she'll flirt. Unless the girl has zero flirting skills, then she'll constantly put men in the friend zone (I've seen that too).
^^ This is me to a tee...I'm a poor flirt and every guy I'm interested in becomes a close friend. Don't assume just because a woman isn't flirting that she doesn't have feelings. Of course, when you know someone well enough, you'd know that about them I suppose.
This is me, too. I assume that guys are being friendly, rather than expressing a more romantic/sexual interest, and generally respond in a friend-appropriate way. Consequently, I have a lot of close male friends, some of whom I would very much have liked a different sort of relationship with. I'm not sure which is worse, actually - assuming all men who interact with you are physically/romantically interested, or the opposite!
The rights and wrongs of it aside, I do think things were easier (in terms of getting a relationship started) when it was unequivocally the male's 'job' to make the running, and girls were expected to be fairly demure about the whole business - much less potential for confusion and/or the stand-off we seem to have a lot of now, where no-one's willing to make the first move!0 -
I would be kinda pissed honestly.
He should have man up and told me his intentions earlier. His loss. Maybe next time he'll be more proactive...0 -
Why is she/he in the friendzone in the first place? If I friendzoned him, then there is a reason for it. If she/he friendzoned me, then there is a reason for it. Have these reasons changed? Why didn't they move on when they've been friendzoned?
Scary people lurk in your friendzone and wait for you to fall...0
