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Catholic Joke

perfectingpatti
perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
edited December 2024 in Social Groups
The pastor of our parish likes to open up his homilies with a joke. This was last Sunday's:

"God loves a cheerful giver, but the Church will accept money from grouches, too". The rest of the homily was on our new capital campaign.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

Replies

  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    OH OH! The year we had Redemptorists at our parish they shared this joke:

    A 10 year old boy decides he wants an Xbox for Christmas but his mother refuses to buy him one. Instead she tells him, "If you want an Xbox why not pray and ask God to give it to you? I'm sure if you're good He'll agree to get you one."

    So that night the boy gets on his knees and he says: "Dear God. Please give me an Xbox! Please! I'll be very good!" but then he thinks about it and realizes that it would be hard to be VERY good so he amends with, "I'll be good!" and then he thinks and realizes being GOOD would be hard so he amends with, "I'll TRY to be good!" But even that seems impossible.

    Frustrated he gets up and goes to his mother's room. His mother keeps a statue of Mary by her bed. He takes the statue, carefully wraps it in a blanket and returns to his room. He places the wrapped statue under his bed and gets to his knees.

    "Dear God. I have your mother. Give me an Xbox if you want to see her again."
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
    Ha!
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
    An elderly woman walked into church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

    "The front row please." she answered.

    "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."


    "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

    "No." he said.

    "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

    "Do you know who I am?" he asked.

    "No." she said.

    "Good", he answered.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    I got some!!! Not necessarily Catholic but religious in nature. :D

    *****************

    A visiting preacher came to Pittsburgh, and was telling riveting stories about preaching near Mt. St. Helens when it erupted, and how he was in Florida when hurricane Andrew hit. Then he happened to be visiting friends in New Orleans when Katrina struck.

    One parishioner raised his hand and said, "How long you gonna be in Pittsburgh?"

    *****************

    It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

    One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

    He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

    It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

    That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

    The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "Lord, What shall I do?"

    A voice thundered back from the heavens saying, "Repaint! And thin no more!"
  • olgamarie_t
    olgamarie_t Posts: 58 Member
    oh my gosh ,hilarious! the one about the xbox
  • seaKind
    seaKind Posts: 136
    cute!
  • pumpkinoodle
    pumpkinoodle Posts: 36 Member
    What do you call a seminarian?

    An expectant Father!
  • gerimom17
    gerimom17 Posts: 24 Member
    What do you call a seminarian?

    An expectant Father!

    Good one! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
    When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

    "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say
    , 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

    "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

    1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

    2) How many seconds are in a year?

    3) What is God's first name?

    "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

    St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

    "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

    "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

    "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

    St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

    "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

    "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

    "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

    St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
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