"What are you looking for?"
Laura_Suzie
Posts: 1,288 Member
Do anyone of you ever make lists of what you want (physical characteristics and personality traits) in a significant other?
I've heard it's a good idea, but I've also heard it sets your expectations too high.
I used to have a list, but I don't anymore. I actually have no idea what I want. Several people have asked me "What are you looking for in a potential boyfriend?" in the last month and I honestly don't really know... I mean I have a really good idea of what I DON'T want. haha
So, do any of you have a list? If so, what is on it? And how do you exactly figure out what you want in a potential partner? Or is it something that can't exactly be planned?
I've heard it's a good idea, but I've also heard it sets your expectations too high.
I used to have a list, but I don't anymore. I actually have no idea what I want. Several people have asked me "What are you looking for in a potential boyfriend?" in the last month and I honestly don't really know... I mean I have a really good idea of what I DON'T want. haha
So, do any of you have a list? If so, what is on it? And how do you exactly figure out what you want in a potential partner? Or is it something that can't exactly be planned?
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I don't think it's a good idea.
It is one thing to know your deal breakers. But if you make this long list, no one is going to match 100%. It just sets the invisible bar you have in your head too high.0 -
I think it is fine to have some generalities in mind as to what one wants.
As far as getting exactly specific and making it as a list I suspect that may not be productive,especially if involving physical characteristics as you may miss a great person over what amounts to an insignificant wish,but each to their own.
I think a far greater issue is for people to actually stick to the generalities they have in mind rather then fall for the first babe that happens along but is batcrap crazy or the first cool,badass guy who eventually will make you feel like dirt.
Have never heard of anyone wishing for these but they sure seem easy to find.0 -
I've got a few requirements, lots of preferences (from strong to weak) and an infinite amount of things I am not fussed about.
I think if someone matches my requirements then they get ahead of the competition by a huge margin. I guess strong between strong preferences/requirements it's often a fine line.
Requirements are for example someone who is cultivated enough to understand intellectual humor (not just laughing when I'm falling on my *kitten* basically), open minded (up for trying new things and not excessively judgmental), likes going out and socializing, feminine, enjoys having sex. Also someone who has the same frame of reference/understanding/interpretation of the world as I do - this one is a bit more difficult to explain, but basically when you need to explain the definition of every word in every conversation with someone, it becomes tiring and I just realise we don't have the same education, context, beliefs, background in life, interpretation of the events/world. A bit like looking at the world with glasses of different colours and never totally be in phase. It happened to me, and the girl and I were just not on the same page because we had a completely different education (it was a strange feeling of never being understood).
Strong preferences would be tall, thin.
I guess to the question "What do you want in a boyfriend?" you could answer "Someone who is NOT x, y and z", it's already an answer in a way!
Typing this made me realize that my requirements are actually a list of things that didn't work too well with previous partner.0 -
I always tend to feel a lot of chemistry for the wrong people yet I reject all the decent guys that would of been good to me. They can tick all the right boxes from my list but if there isn't any chemistry that its harder for me to feel anything for them. Bad I know ><
Physically, I am attracted to tall guys with nice eyes and hair. Personality wise, someone easy that I could goof around and have fun with. Someone who is quite affectionate and a bit of a geek.0 -
Hmmm! Interesting question!
At first, I was thinking "nooo, dont be silly, how can you define your ideal partner and stick to a list of qualites - you will never find him amongst the millions of guys around"
And then my second thought was "but I know exactly the type of guy that floats my boat - he's chatty, witty, affectionate, kind, compassionate, generous, sexy........etc......etc........etc...........etc....................................................and I can't believe how long my list is!! :laugh:
So, while I dont have a written or 'conscious' list, I do think there is one lurking in the recesses of my guy radar! Having said that, the guy I want and the guy that I usually end up with may not be exactly the same!! But there are certain similarities in the 'type' of man I am attracted to. I think you have to have guidelines but not strict rules...... afterall, you are young, so you need to experiment a little
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I wrote a list in 9th grade because someone told me I should know what I want in a guy....I lost it after a few days.
Now, as sad as it sounds, I don't really know what I want. I mean other than the general qualities (respectful, kindhearted, funny......and tall lol) it's easier to tell what I don't like as I get to know someone, than come up with a list of what I'm looking for.0 -
For me personally, the older I get, the less a list makes sense. People just don't fit the unrealistic molds we have in our minds for them. Deal breakers make more sense because knowing what you won't tolerate is easier than imagining what someone could be.0
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I know what I find attractive. But I also have enough life experience to know that my initial reaction can morph into more attraction or less attraction based on personality, intelligence, humor, etc. So a list is kind of silly in my opinion.0
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For me personally, the older I get, the less a list makes sense. People just don't fit the unrealistic molds we have in our minds for them. Deal breakers make more sense because knowing what you won't tolerate is easier than imagining what someone could be.
My thoughts exactly (stated more eloquently of course)!0 -
It's funny you ask since one of my friends was just heavily pushing me to do that. Some book she read seemed to imply that you'd have a better chance of finding the right person if it's clear what's important. I agree with that to a point but have seen far too many lists that get into things that should be negotiable, like hair color, eye color, and interests/ activities that must be shared.
I think you HAVE to know your non-negotiables for where you are right now. That may change! It's funny at different points in our life what we think is important, especially at a younger age. I used to think it indicated something when a man volunteered heavily, because I think charity and being giving are important. I've dated two men who volunteered a LOT, yet both turned out to be cheaters, as if volunteering made up for their other choices. Now I'm somehow suspicious of men who volunteer, hahahaha... SO I now look for other ways of being giving and don't assume that one action implies anything...
I've been thinking about creating a list so I'll think more about that....but he better have an @ss that looks awesome in slightly tight jeans, hahaha, Just Kidding! :bigsmile:0 -
This is really a mixed bag. No one can ever get all their requirements in one person. So list making is somewhat overrated in that sense. At the same time, knowing what the level of importance of the things that you desire is important. There's an art and a science to it all, and it is rather complex to simply break down in a post here.0
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I wrote a list in 9th grade because someone told me I should know what I want in a guy....I lost it after a few days.
Now, as sad as it sounds, I don't really know what I want.
Well, do you know where you lost it? Sounds like you need to double down and locate it asap...
--P0 -
I think endless lists of physical attributes are dumb. Physical attributes are fleeting for most of us. Everyone gets old and succumbs to gravity at some point. If those things are overwhelmingly important to you, you will end up alone. And I think that may be the best result for everyone involved...
I've also found that fate plays funny tricks on me when I set those kinds of physical standards. I used to say "No bald guys," so naturally I fell head over heels for a guy who was prematurely bald at 23. "No short guys?" Oh, hello there, sexy teaching assistant who tops out at 5'4...
But character "lists?" An absolute necessity. I am 100% inflexible on certain character points. And they may be the reason I'm single. And I'm ok with that. I'd rather be single that in a relationship with a shady person.
So I'm for character prerequisites and against physical ones, basically.0 -
Do you have an actual list, or is it more a philosophy?
Btw, this thread reminded me of one of my favorite Dilbert strips, with Bob from the Procurement Department:
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1995-07-29/
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My list in no particular order (although number 1 is ultimately the most important. I'm not in to that type of fetish). Some are what I wants, some are what I don't wants.
A pulse
Doesn't smoke
mildly religious to non-religious (or at least not a closed-minded religious zealot who uses God to justify downright hatred and contemptible behavior)
can talk about things that don't involve reality TV, or the latest gossip about her circle of so-called friends
the majority of her stories do not involve how she was in some way the victim who 1) was taken advantage of, or 2) stood up for herself and refused to be taken advantage of.
good sense of humor
doesn't take herself too seriously
financially responsible
likes to have sex (with me) on a regular basis
not morbidly obese0 -
I do know..more and more each man I date and it doesn't work out lol.
But seriously, I have an idea of what I find attractive, as well as I know my deal breakers.
I think for me its becoming more obvious that I'm mainly interested in assertive, masculine man..not a jerk, still a gentleman but someone who goes after what he wants. Someone who has goals and sets out to achieve them.
I don't have anything written down on paper. I don't believe that is needed, although I have a friend who swears by it and met her husband right after she wrote out her list.
I have personality traits in mind.....physically..I have been attracted to many different types of looks but I know generally it will be someone active...and someone affectionate.0 -
I wrote a list in 9th grade because someone told me I should know what I want in a guy....I lost it after a few days...
Well, do you know where you lost it? Sounds like you need to double down and locate it asap...
--P
I think I threw it away when the guy I liked turned out to be gay....BUST!0 -
A lot of good responses. I guess it's normal not to know what I want. I've been thinking about this subject a lot and I think you should just have an open mind. I guess you don't truly know what you've been looking for until you find it. I guess I will just have to date a lot of guys until I find out! :ohwell:0
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A lot of good responses. I guess it's normal not to know what I want. I've been thinking about this subject a lot and I think you should just have an open mind. I guess you don't truly know what you've been looking for until you find it. I guess I will just have to date a lot of guys until I find out! :ohwell:
That is what your 20's are for:) you're young..and have only had a few dates with one guy from what you've told us. You have to get out and meet new people, see what personalities turn you on mentally, what you're needs are emotionally and what you really like physically. As you're meeting people I'm betting it will surprise you what you end up being drawn towards...and you will stumble onto a great guy.
I think if a woman my age DOESN"T have a more clear idea of what type of man she enjoys and needs...well that means she doesn't really know herself very well.0 -
A pulse
:laugh:good sense of humor
Ermmm yes! quite! I would say this should be your Number ONE!! :laugh: :bigsmile:0 -
I think if a woman my age DOESN"T have a more clear idea of what type of man she enjoys and needs...well that means she doesn't really know herself very well.
Sagacious.
From one of my favorite The The songs: "How can anyone know me, when I don't even know myself?"* Replace "know" with "love" and it reads just as well...
Before preparing a list of what you want in your SO, start by better understanding who you are, where you're going, what life means to you.
This reminds me of the thread a while back about someone who was having trouble getting dates, or second dates, or a serious boyfriend (the infamous "plastic surgery" thread)... Instead of focusing on things to attract others, focus on yourself. Better understand yourself, make yourself a better person in your own eyes. Only then can you really understand who can best compliment you.
--P
*For those interested, and who've never heard of The The, enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnduohfNq_Y
Stay with it. It starts out a bit slow. One of the greatest bands ever, one of the most underrated, certainly one of the iconic alternative 80's bands. Soul Mining is such a classic album, every song is fantastic...0 -
"How can anyone know me, when I don't even know myself?"* Replace "know" with "love" and it reads just as well...
This is so true!!0 -
A pulse
:laugh:good sense of humor
Ermmm yes! quite! I would say this should be your Number ONE!! :laugh: :bigsmile:
Cool. Anna thinks I have my priorities straight!!0 -
As I become "older" I have found the list getting more general.....There are a few "must haves", such as no smokers and just an overall good person (holds job, maintains car, good parent if he already has children etc). Nice teeth is also one of my physical must haves. I'm finding now I'm more drawn to someone who cares about his health, not because it looks better...but because your life really depends on it (we don't realize this in our 20's as much as our 40's).
I've decided "everything in moderation" is my mantra. I don't want a gym nut, but someone who frequents it weekly, I don't want a sports freak (watching 3 games, 2 golf tournaments and reruns of family guy all at once) on a Sunday. Someone who hunts from Oct-Jan nonstop. Anything that would take over ones life is a big turn off for me. I hope they have hobbies and interests, but nothing all consuming.
It's much tougher finding a partner at this stage of my life (opposed to in my 20's / pre-children)...at least I am finding that to be the case.0 -
Sagacious.
From one of my favorite The The songs: "How can anyone know me, when I don't even know myself?"* Replace "know" with "love" and it reads just as well...
Before preparing a list of what you want in your SO, start by better understanding who you are, where you're going, what life means to you.
This reminds me of the thread a while back about someone who was having trouble getting dates, or second dates, or a serious boyfriend (the infamous "plastic surgery" thread)... Instead of focusing on things to attract others, focus on yourself. Better understand yourself, make yourself a better person in your own eyes. Only then can you really understand who can best compliment you.
--P
*For those interested, and who've never heard of The The, enjoy:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnduohfNq_Y
Stay with it. It starts out a bit slow. One of the greatest bands ever, one of the most underrated, certainly one of the iconic alternative 80's bands. Soul Mining is such a classic album, every song is fantastic...
Yay- who references The The anymore? That's awesome! Matt Johnson is one of my two enduring teen crushes.As I become "older" I have found the list getting more general.....There are a few "must haves", such as no smokers and just an overall good person (holds job, maintains car, good parent if he already has children etc). Nice teeth is also one of my physical must haves. I'm finding now I'm more drawn to someone who cares about his health, not because it looks better...but because your life really depends on it (we don't realize this in our 20's as much as our 40's).
I agree with this wholeheartedly . Age has drastically changed the things that I look for and avoid now, and health wasn't on my list until I became a mom.0 -
I think if a woman my age DOESN"T have a more clear idea of what type of man she enjoys and needs...well that means she doesn't really know herself very well.
Sagacious.
From one of my favorite The The songs: "How can anyone know me, when I don't even know myself?"* Replace "know" with "love" and it reads just as well...
Before preparing a list of what you want in your SO, start by better understanding who you are, where you're going, what life means to you.
This reminds me of the thread a while back about someone who was having trouble getting dates, or second dates, or a serious boyfriend (the infamous "plastic surgery" thread)... Instead of focusing on things to attract others, focus on yourself. Better understand yourself, make yourself a better person in your own eyes. Only then can you really understand who can best compliment you.
--P
*For those interested, and who've never heard of The The, enjoy:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnduohfNq_Y
Stay with it. It starts out a bit slow. One of the greatest bands ever, one of the most underrated, certainly one of the iconic alternative 80's bands. Soul Mining is such a classic album, every song is fantastic...
I know what I want.
I do have some deal breakers and some that are not up for negotiation, none of which are physical traits or have anything to do with material possessions, though. While I am open to being swept off my feet by someone who does not meet all of my "wants," I have my wants because ultimately I know the kind of person with whom I am compatible. And, honestly, each time I ignore my so called "list" (not really a list on paper, more in my head), it turns out all wrong. So, maybe, for me, a list is a good idea. For example, I want someone who has the same values that I have, the same moral beliefs, and someone who can share or at least appreciate my faith. I don't want to make a commitment to someone with whom I would clash regarding parenting styles. And I know how I want to be treated...0 -
oops it posted twice
my bad
have a great day everyone!!!:happy: :flowerforyou:0 -
Nothing at the moment, and that's exactly what I'm getting. When someone tells you the right one will show up when you stop looking, don't believe it! It's lies, all lies!
I know, I've said that on here before, but that phrase just makes me so irate!0 -
Nothing at the moment, and that's exactly what I'm getting. When someone tells you the right one will show up when you stop looking, don't believe it! It's lies, all lies!
I know, I've said that on here before, but that phrase just makes me so irate!
That is what married people and people with significant others tell us...you're right... all lies! LOL
I'm not actually looking for "the one" right now... because I'm still having trouble believing that he exists... but I am having fun in the meantime!0 -
Nothing at the moment, and that's exactly what I'm getting. When someone tells you the right one will show up when you stop looking, don't believe it! It's lies, all lies!
I know, I've said that on here before, but that phrase just makes me so irate!
That is what married people and people with significant others tell us...you're right... all lies! LOL
I'm not actually looking for "the one" right now... because I'm still having trouble believing that he exists... but I am having fun in the meantime!
Fun sounds good. When I start dating again that's all I'm going to care about.0
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