I'm coming out of the closet.....
farmers_daughter
Posts: 1,632 Member
This is kind of hard to admit, but I think the lightbulb just went off..... I'm Co-Dependent.... before anyone gets negative thought, read up on it. :ohwell: Please dont confuse it with the needy girl that is hanging off of the guy's leg as he's trying to "leave" her.... I'm not even close to that point, it's all upstairs.....
[Codependency is characterized by the inability to establish healthy boundaries and an excessive need to please or control others]
- You often do more than your share in order to feel loved or play the hero
- You make the relationships, intimate, work, etc...you are in more important than your own well being
- If you are involved with an addict & believe you can help "fix" them
- People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr, they constantly put others needs before thier own and in doing so, forgetting to take care of themselves. This creates a sense they are needed, they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them, When in arguments, codependents feel guilty for standing up for themselves.
I'm putting this out there in hopes that someone else may have experience in this area, because now that I've scratched the surface....I don't know what to do next....I sure in the hell feel like I'm independent.... (which I assume is the opposite of codependent) If you look up and ask around on what independent means....
Essentially....
You plan your day around yourself
Secure your finances
Avoid letting others do things for you that you can do yourself
Do things on your own, work on activities that force you to lead.
I do that, I've essentially secured, my own home, my children are fed, clothed, covered in dirt and happy until bathtime, oh heck they 're happy then too, throw barbies in any bath and watch a lil girls eyes light up.
I have been at the same job for 8 years, I plan my day around what HAS to get done... I'm not rich but my bills are paid, that's whats important to me.
I fix things on my car that I know how, I have repaired my mower on more than one occasion....etc etc. I feel like I'm independent. I don't NEED, someone, but I want them around, I say life is fun when you can share it. But bein alone has it's perks too, which I like to take advantage of....
But interlaced in all of that, I have many codependent tendancies.... I think my therapist is finally relieved that I see this myself now. Of course she wont be a smartass and say "OMG finally!" but I laughed and told her that's what she said when it hit me.
Anyway....if you don't want to post anything public please feel free to send me a private message....otherwise just looking to see if anyone has or knows anything on the topic.
Thanks!
[Codependency is characterized by the inability to establish healthy boundaries and an excessive need to please or control others]
- You often do more than your share in order to feel loved or play the hero
- You make the relationships, intimate, work, etc...you are in more important than your own well being
- If you are involved with an addict & believe you can help "fix" them
- People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr, they constantly put others needs before thier own and in doing so, forgetting to take care of themselves. This creates a sense they are needed, they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them, When in arguments, codependents feel guilty for standing up for themselves.
I'm putting this out there in hopes that someone else may have experience in this area, because now that I've scratched the surface....I don't know what to do next....I sure in the hell feel like I'm independent.... (which I assume is the opposite of codependent) If you look up and ask around on what independent means....
Essentially....
You plan your day around yourself
Secure your finances
Avoid letting others do things for you that you can do yourself
Do things on your own, work on activities that force you to lead.
I do that, I've essentially secured, my own home, my children are fed, clothed, covered in dirt and happy until bathtime, oh heck they 're happy then too, throw barbies in any bath and watch a lil girls eyes light up.
I have been at the same job for 8 years, I plan my day around what HAS to get done... I'm not rich but my bills are paid, that's whats important to me.
I fix things on my car that I know how, I have repaired my mower on more than one occasion....etc etc. I feel like I'm independent. I don't NEED, someone, but I want them around, I say life is fun when you can share it. But bein alone has it's perks too, which I like to take advantage of....
But interlaced in all of that, I have many codependent tendancies.... I think my therapist is finally relieved that I see this myself now. Of course she wont be a smartass and say "OMG finally!" but I laughed and told her that's what she said when it hit me.
Anyway....if you don't want to post anything public please feel free to send me a private message....otherwise just looking to see if anyone has or knows anything on the topic.
Thanks!
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Replies
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I really don't have anything to add to this, but just wanted to note that acknowledging it and even writing it out seems like a wonderful step in the right direction for you! :flowerforyou:0
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It's easy to think about being codependent as all or nothing... you either are or you aren't. I see it more as a spectrum of tendencies and unfortunately, I really struggle with it in my dating life.
I am completely INdependent in all aspects of my life: raised my children on my own (18 and 12 - they are AWESOME kids btw), have a great job (of 14 years), own my own home - and I'm only 35. But put me in front of a man I have chemistry with and all I wanna do is make him happy, happy, happy! "You want me to make you dinner, how 'bout if I serve it to you in your chair, too?" "You aren't comfortable expressing your feelings? That's okay, I'm content to sit here and wait for MONTHS until you're ready - I don't need to feel honored or valued right now."
I think our power is in recognizing our tendencies and when we're in the throws of making a codependent choice - STOPPING ourselves and saying "no, I matter too".... no one else is going to look out for our own best interest.
That's exactly where I'm at with the cute boy I'm dating right now. I feel myself slipping into this waiting game with him (waiting for him to call, waiting for him to want more) - and the truth is, I don't really even know if I want more with him.
We can't change what we don't recognize - so kudos to you for being open!0 -
I totally was with my ex-husband. Every single aspect of the definition fit me. It became who I was. Now I think I have swung so far in the opposite direction.0
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It's easy to think about being codependent as all or nothing... you either are or you aren't. I see it more as a spectrum of tendencies and unfortunately, I really struggle with it in my dating life.
I am completely INdependent in all aspects of my life: raised my children on my own (18 and 12 - they are AWESOME kids btw), have a great job (of 14 years), own my own home - and I'm only 35. But put me in front of a man I have chemistry with and all I wanna do is make him happy, happy, happy! "You want me to make you dinner, how 'bout if I serve it to you in your chair, too?" "You aren't comfortable expressing your feelings? That's okay, I'm content to sit here and wait for MONTHS until you're ready - I don't need to feel honored or valued right now."
I think our power is in recognizing our tendencies and when we're in the throws of making a codependent choice - STOPPING ourselves and saying "no, I matter too".... no one else is going to look out for our own best interest.
That's exactly where I'm at with the cute boy I'm dating right now. I feel myself slipping into this waiting game with him (waiting for him to call, waiting for him to want more) - and the truth is, I don't really even know if I want more with him.
We can't change what we don't recognize - so kudos to you for being open!
Ugh.... me too!
I went from a relationship what I now realize was really really codependent.... to a relationship with a good guy that I feel has really good intentions... but he's got kids too (which is new territory for me also) but I keep going back to the relationship I had before, and all the thoughts of "It'd be really nice if he would call now (late at night etc)" or I wish he'd this...I wish he'd that.... and when Im around him I do exactly what you quoted above....how can I make it so that you'll think I'm just great and happy and you need me.... because that makes me happy!
Ugh why does that make me happy?? Lots to figure out. :huh:
I tend to put the cart before the horse and It makes me wonder if it's gonna work out with this new guy....right there....if I don't have a good idea of what's gonna happen....it makes me nervous like it's just not gonna work....
Ya, at least I kinda feel like I'm not walking around with the question of "Why" do I do this....and "What" can I do to fix it...I have an idea of how to go about working on me.
Thanks for your input :flowerforyou:0 -
I totally was with my ex-husband. Every single aspect of the definition fit me. It became who I was. Now I think I have swung so far in the opposite direction.
Do you think you've pulled yourself to the oober selfish side now, that "it's all about me", "my way or the highway" ?
I ask because when I think about pulling away from this, that's the attitude I have to have....but it can't really be that way. You have to still be able to care about the person, and not be rude about it.
Where's the happy medium..... :frown:0 -
I totally was with my ex-husband. Every single aspect of the definition fit me. It became who I was. Now I think I have swung so far in the opposite direction.
Do you think you've pulled yourself to the oober selfish side now, that "it's all about me", "my way or the highway" ?
I ask because when I think about pulling away from this, that's the attitude I have to have....but it can't really be that way. You have to still be able to care about the person, and not be rude about it.
Where's the happy medium..... :frown:
I am really struggling with this exact thing right now. At first it was what I needed to be able to control the situation .. because I felt I had so little control in my marriage. Now that I have gone so far in the other direction .. I don't know how to find that middle ground. I don't know what is a deal breaker for me and what isn't. Because everything feels like one to me if it isn't exactly how I want it. And we all know that won't get me very far. But honestly, isn't this the attitude that men have? Or most men I should say. If I can't control everything, I can't have it. lol. I know that I need to stop being that way, but I don't know how to release some control and still keep what I need to feel ok about being in a relationship.0 -
Wait. So you're not gay?
--P0 -
Wait. So you're not gay?
--P
LOL It took me a second to get this. I think that means I need more coffee0 -
There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.0 -
There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.
OMG! That is totally true and totally my pattern as well. Even tho I shout from the roof tops that this is not what i want in a relationship .. it is the same type that I go for over and over. And if I try to veer off that course .. it just feels wrong.0 -
There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.
What's it called when someone naturally does the opposite of that?0 -
I'm a daughter of an ex alcoholic. Most kids of alcoholics are co-dependent. I recognized this when with the ex husband who was a serial cheater.
When I come across someone who has issues, I become caretaker and want to fix them. This makes me feel loved and needed. I was in therapy for this and I know what to look for.
Earlier in the year, I went out with a guy who was a functioning pothead. I saw these characteristics in me pop up. And though that break up hurt, it was for the best.
This is why my work is an everyday process. I desire a healthy relationship. I hve walked away from men who show any red flags. This is a step in the right direction.
It's easy to fall into it but if you know what to look for, you have the advantage.0 -
Oh and I recommend the book "Codependent No More". Awesome read!0
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Wait. So you're not gay?
--P
LOL It took me a second to get this. I think that means I need more coffee
I'm due for my 2 PM cafe cubano :drinker:0 -
There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.
That's the thing, I can't narrow it down to a moment in my childhood where this could stem from. I'll keep digging though.
I've ordered "Broken Toys, Broken Dreams" would that be in your arsenal? If so what did you think of it? 0 -
Wait. So you're not gay?
--P
Sorry, I still like boys.
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There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.
That's the thing, I can't narrow it down to a moment in my childhood where this could stem from. I'll keep digging though.
I've ordered "Broken Toys, Broken Dreams" would that be in your arsenal? If so what did you think of it?
Mine wasn't a moment, but a person. My dad drank a lot. My sister actually stumbled upon him making out with some chick in his truck at a bar one night .. that wasn't mom. So perhaps, not a moment .. but a person.0 -
There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.
That's the thing, I can't narrow it down to a moment in my childhood where this could stem from. I'll keep digging though.
I've ordered "Broken Toys, Broken Dreams" would that be in your arsenal? If so what did you think of it?
IMHO it isn't any one moment from childhood, but more about the messages you internalized from the way your parent(s) treated you.
I am not aware of that book, nor the authors.... it looks like a good one, though! And btw, I really think that acknowledgement is half the battle to overcoming change - you're well on your way, honey! :flowerforyou:0 -
There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.
What's it called when someone naturally does the opposite of that?
Healed.
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Wait. So you're not gay?
--P
Sorry, I still like boys.
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- You often do more than your share in order to feel loved or play the hero
- You make the relationships, intimate, work, etc...you are in more important than your own well being
- If you are involved with an addict & believe you can help "fix" them
- People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr, they constantly put others needs before thier own and in doing so, forgetting to take care of themselves. This creates a sense they are needed, they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them, When in arguments, codependents feel guilty for standing up for themselves.
I know a girl like this, and the first step is acknowledging that you are co-dependent. The next step is to work through it - if you're not comfortable with counseling, try a self-help book. I have heard good things about Codependent No More.0 -
There's this whole theory that the people we are attracted to (called our Imago) are actually people who could - or do - hurt us just as our parent(s) "wounded" us as children - that we seek these men/women out as a way to heal the hurt caused from our early relationship with a parent. More often than not, we don't actually heal the old hurt - we seek partners that end up only "re-injuring" or reinforcing the old hurt and negative messages we tell ourselves. I'm oversimplifying, but it's fascinating to me - and I can definitely see that it's part of my pattern.
I haven't read it for myself, but I've heard that "Codependent No More" is a helpful book. I also have a whole arsenal of great books if you're interested in more titles to search.
Re-Inventing Your Life is another book that discusses this theory. Changed my life.
Taking more responsibility for my life and realizing that I had the key to my own freedom, as weird as this will sound, is a big part of what I believe ruined my marriage. Because I was no longer dependent on him to be content and satisfied and happy, and he'd always had that power over me. And by the time he came back from Iraq acting crazy, I had the presence of mind to get myself and my son into a safe place. Whereas years before that, I would have just cowered in a corner somewhere.
What's really weird is: years later after I read this book, my marriage fell apart and I discovered how very much like my dad my ex was. So I think the book (along with Dance of Anger, another book about how being codependent causes you to stuff your anger which ultimately pushes you toward greater codependency) are spot on.Essentially....
You plan your day around yourself
Secure your finances
Avoid letting others do things for you that you can do yourself
Do things on your own, work on activities that force you to lead.
This is good stuff!
One problem I'm dealing with right now, though, is fighting the urge to be TOO independent, where there's no room for another person to be a part of my life. It's like the pendulum swung the other way. I'm getting better about it though.0 -
This was me for a looooooooong time. I just never knew what it was defined as (or rather I didn't know how to define it). Eventually after my last "relationship" something snapped. I guess because the relationship itself was emotionally drainning to no end.
Now I think I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I get straight to the point when asking a guy what his intentions are or what his mindset is on relationships, and if he says he's not ready and/or not interested, its friendship mode from that point on. We can be friendly, talk often, even get flirty, but I will not consider a relationship with that person in the future. To me its a defense mechanism I've programmed into my brain and probably a bad one.....but in my mind it sets the boundary of not expecting anything and therefore not getting hurt.0 -
I've been codependent...0
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See, I have the opposite problem. I'm way too independent. I like my privacy. My free time. Someone in my space for too long freaks me out. I'm the world's worst friend about arranging get-togethers and things like that.
All of this is a problem in the context of a relationship, obviously.
So I think we all have our issues to work out. But a lot of what you wrote just makes it sound like you are more a caregiver type than necessarily codependent. Maybe I would need to know more details?0 -
I get straight to the point when asking a guy what his intentions are or what his mindset is on relationships, and if he says he's not ready and/or not interested, its friendship mode from that point on.
You don't think that attacking someone right out the gate about getting into a relationship might be having a negative effect on whether or not they want one?0 -
Now I think I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I get straight to the point when asking a guy what his intentions are or what his mindset is on relationships, and if he says he's not ready and/or not interested, its friendship mode from that point on. We can be friendly, talk often, even get flirty, but I will not consider a relationship with that person in the future. To me its a defense mechanism I've programmed into my brain and probably a bad one.....but in my mind it sets the boundary of not expecting anything and therefore not getting hurt.
Defensive or not - I think it's really smart of you to protect your heart and LISTEN when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship. If I man says he doesn't want a relationship, but still fools around with you - he DOESN'T want a relationship, he just wants to take what he can get.
TheKit: I don't see it as "attacking" at all... I think she knows what she wants and is only being assertive about it. If it's her personality to be assertive with her needs, it's really best the guy know that from the start. Why hide it?0 -
See, I have the opposite problem. I'm way too independent. I like my privacy. My free time. Someone in my space for too long freaks me out. I'm the world's worst friend about arranging get-togethers and things like that.
All of this is a problem in the context of a relationship, obviously.
OMG .. that is exactly how I feel about my space .. if you are in it for too long .. I freak out as well. I am horrible with friendships .. luckily my friends are all the same way .. lol.0 -
I get straight to the point when asking a guy what his intentions are or what his mindset is on relationships, and if he says he's not ready and/or not interested, its friendship mode from that point on.
You don't think that attacking someone right out the gate about getting into a relationship might be having a negative effect on whether or not they want one?
If I were saing, "Do you want to date me or not?!? NO? Screw you then!", sure it would.
But asking, "what are your feelings about dating?", or "are you looking for a relationship?"....Not at all. There's a difference in talking to a guy who is only interested in being friends and not ready for a relationship, and talking to someone who is at a point in their life of wanting to settle down. But I prefer the latter, and want to know sooner rather than later if you're wasting my time. But, I've talked to both and still have friends on both sides.0 -
Now I think I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I get straight to the point when asking a guy what his intentions are or what his mindset is on relationships, and if he says he's not ready and/or not interested, its friendship mode from that point on. We can be friendly, talk often, even get flirty, but I will not consider a relationship with that person in the future. To me its a defense mechanism I've programmed into my brain and probably a bad one.....but in my mind it sets the boundary of not expecting anything and therefore not getting hurt.
Defensive or not - I think it's really smart of you to protect your heart and LISTEN when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship. If I man says he doesn't want a relationship, but still fools around with you - he DOESN'T want a relationship, he just wants to take what he can get.
TheKit: I don't see it as "attacking" at all... I think she knows what she wants and is only being assertive about it. If it's her personality to be assertive with her needs, it's really best the guy know that from the start. Why hide it?
Thanks SweetBasil. It really just boils down to the fact that I've been in the co-dependent relationships where I was giving 110 and the other 50%. And i've dated guys who've had no real intention of moving towards a relationship, they just wanted to date (and some just wanted to get what they could and split). I'm tired of the mind games and just ready to settle down into something serious with lasting potential.0
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