E.D. Recovery & Weight Loss

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Am I the only one who PREFERS living like this?

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zombie_porno
zombie_porno Posts: 199 Member
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I always feel better (in multiple ways) when I let my ED take the wheel... Everything in my life goes more smoothly & I get tired of being told to do things differently when this is what brings me the most improvement personally.

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  • ash2ski
    ash2ski Posts: 8
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    Funny, I saw this topic and was like "YES!!!! This is exactly how I feel!!!!". Then I clicked on the topic and saw a familiar face :) I have never felt more out of control of my life as I do right now, trying to tackle this ED. I finally just let myself go back for awhile so I could be happy again. How screwed up is that? I'm literally a happier person when i'm throwing up. It's kind of nice to know that someone else knows how I'm feeling right now...
  • zombie_porno
    zombie_porno Posts: 199 Member
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    I completely understand! I know it's not healthy, but it's actually so much easier to just relax & let the ED run the show. I know it's weak, because it takes a very strong person to fight it... but maybe I'm just really weak. I find more peace in restricting than in eating healthy. I feel sluggish when I eat healthy, & energetic when I restrict. I don't know... it's just one of those things, I guess.
  • ash2ski
    ash2ski Posts: 8
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    I'm just horrible about purging....once i start, I can't stop! And its not even that I am eating a ton of food...its often something stupid like soup, and then salad, and other things that I know are easy to bring up. It just feels good to me. I'm sure in the long run, I will feel much better when I have more control over the situation, but i feel like its the idea of tackling it right now that is the trigger!
  • zombie_porno
    zombie_porno Posts: 199 Member
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    Vomiting release tons of endorphins, so it's a buzz, a high of sorts... of COURSE you like the way it feels. I was addicted to self-injuring for a decade because of the euphoric sensation it brought me. You get addicted to the act, the ritual involved in purging, but also to the chemical reactions.
  • ash2ski
    ash2ski Posts: 8
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    When I was younger, I burned myself for awhile...its kind of funny how all of this stuff goes hand in hand. I'm embarrassed to say that I actually didn't know about the endorphin release with vomiting! I took a huge step and told me dad today about whats been going on. Outside of telling me that "no one else needs to know about this", he actually took it fairly well. I feel like I have kind of gotten the ball rolling in the right direction...I just need to keep the momentum up. I have only had one "incident" in the past 48 hours so i'm feeling fairly good right now. I know that I will need counseling, but i'm so afraid that it is only going to make past issues surface and possibly make things worse.
  • zombie_porno
    zombie_porno Posts: 199 Member
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    To be completely honest, therapy usually DOES make things worse for that very reason... at the beginning. After you take the time to work through that drama, you will definitely see an improvement in how you think & feel *hugs* I know it is really scary though!
  • ash2ski
    ash2ski Posts: 8
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    I have to say....this is the first time that I have ever talked to someone else who knows what i'm going through and that is soooo reassuring. Just talking about it period I think has helped a little....and I feel like it holds me more accountable. I hate letting people down and now that the most important people in my life know, the last thing I want to do is that this stupid thing run my life. I like for people to see me as strong, which is probably why admitting this has been so tough.
  • chipmunkcheeks76
    chipmunkcheeks76 Posts: 19
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    I have anorexia and at the moment it is controlling me again and I feel the same way. it is my only form of control right now as everything else around me is falling apart. For months now I have held a stable weight of around 7st 7lbs. I went down to 7st about 6 weeks ago and now I want to be there again as I feel extremely fat and ugly. 2 years ago I was 18st 7lbs and am so so scared of ending up back that way.
  • zombie_porno
    zombie_porno Posts: 199 Member
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    I have anorexia and at the moment it is controlling me again and I feel the same way. it is my only form of control right now as everything else around me is falling apart. For months now I have held a stable weight of around 7st 7lbs. I went down to 7st about 6 weeks ago and now I want to be there again as I feel extremely fat and ugly. 2 years ago I was 18st 7lbs and am so so scared of ending up back that way.

    Welcome to the convo, Cheeks. *hugs* I have always been more of an EDNOS sufferer than Anorexic, but I definitely feel your pain. While I am still overweight, any time that scale moves up even a quarter lb, I am convinced I must look 30 lbs heavier! All we can do is stay on track, try to be relatively healthy, & stay in control.
  • ash2ski
    ash2ski Posts: 8
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    Hi! No matter what kind of ED, I think we all of that controlling constant fear. What is supposed to keep us alive becomes our enemy and can kill us at the same time. And unfortunately, we are not in a situation to just "give something up".... Welcome to the convo and I hope we can support each other when we need it!
  • ldturner39
    ldturner39 Posts: 4
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    Hey ladies, I totally can sympathize. While my ED doesn't take the form of anorexia or bulimia, it's pretty serious and consuming. I'm a compulsive overeater, and generally eat to make myself sick as punishment for feeling certain ways...and as a form of rebellion. It's so much easier to just not think about it and let my head control what it thinks it wants and needs. I've been in therapy for over a year, and actually decided to leave my job as a teacher a few months ago to go back to school to be a therapist. I'm getting my MSW (master's of social work) at the moment, though I promise not to try and "therapist" any new friends I might make! We're all on a journey, and we just have to take it one day at a time.
  • zombie_porno
    zombie_porno Posts: 199 Member
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    Hey ladies, I totally can sympathize. While my ED doesn't take the form of anorexia or bulimia, it's pretty serious and consuming. I'm a compulsive overeater, and generally eat to make myself sick as punishment for feeling certain ways...and as a form of rebellion. It's so much easier to just not think about it and let my head control what it thinks it wants and needs. I've been in therapy for over a year, and actually decided to leave my job as a teacher a few months ago to go back to school to be a therapist. I'm getting my MSW (master's of social work) at the moment, though I promise not to try and "therapist" any new friends I might make! We're all on a journey, and we just have to take it one day at a time.

    That's fantastic! I'm happy to hear that you'e pursuing something that makes you happy. Welcome to the forums & feel free to hit me up if you'd ever like to talk... One day at a time is the only way to go =)
  • ldturner39
    ldturner39 Posts: 4
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    Thanks!! Glad to be here and looking forward to taking charge!
  • tashaa1992
    tashaa1992 Posts: 658 Member
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    Not going to lie, I do prefer it but I think it's because we're so used to this life and because recovery is a long and hard battle. Recovery was never going to be easy though, and if it were easy how would we grow? We wouldn't gain any strength because it wouldn't be challenging would it? There will be bad days sometimes, but don't give up hope, because the good days are well worth the tears. Keep pushing yourselves, we will get there it will just take time, dedication and patience xxx
  • islebutterfly09
    islebutterfly09 Posts: 33 Member
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    For a long time I did prefer it, but I think it was because I didn't have the experience of how good life can be without it. For the first 6-9 months after I got out of ED rehab, life really sucked, but after I hit the year mark of no purging, things have gotten better. About 3 months ago I had a slip and purged, and it scared me so bad because I don't want to give up my life in recovery. Finally after the past 8 years, this disease isn't in control of me anymore, and it feels powerful. It is a really hard battle sometimes, but the longer you stick with it, the easier it gets. And I know that my worst day free from this is better than my best day in my addiction. 2 years out of bulmia, with the exception of one slip 3 months ago, and I refuse to go back.
  • imlea
    imlea Posts: 3
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    Hi ladies. I just read your posts and felt I should let you know what I have dealt with. First off, if you have the means and support to get help, please do. I started my bulimia habit when I was in eighth grade. That is just about thirty years ago. I hid from everyone, friends , family, nobody but me knew for many years. I finally told my husband after eight years of marriage, only because during a purge I felt my esophagus do some sort of a twist and I passed out and thank God, woke up on the rest room floor with vomit all around me. I don't know what happened. That was a wake-up call to get some help. I found that very difficult because I was low income status. I was able to get a non-profit organization to see me. After just three session I was told I wasn't ready and asked to not come back! I then found a group called BANISH and at my second meeting got told by a young girl with anorexia that I should just join weight watchers. Well that pissed me off so much I told them all to go to you know where and felt I was totally on my own. I had two young boys at the time and It was damn hard , but I did it I stopped and got control of it. Until four years later, my marriage fell apart and to reclaim that sense of control I felt I lost and the stress weight I gained I started again. I have been living with my food addiction off and on since then. I get control when I get on an eating plan. But once I've gotten close or have met my goal weight, or get really stressed, I would return to the habit that made me feel in control until I would snap out of it realize that no I am not in control and I'm hurting myself. Well here I am in my forties and I am still in the battle because I haven't had the means to get the help I need. About two years ago, I started gaining weight again. I was in the battle again. I didn't want to worry about what and how much I was eating, so B&P was again my way of dealing. Well it doesn't work anymore. I have done the damage. I have trouble swallowing. No matter how much I purge the weight creeps upward. Now when I eat normally which is usually very healthy now, I am able to lose weight. But, if I purge just one time, the weight goes up. I think its my bodies way of panic mode to keep the calories I need to function. Either way it does not work anymore.And even still last year I could not get myself to stop. I still cannot pay for the rehab i believe I truly need. But, at the beginning of the year i looked into hypnosis. And it got me to a point that can at least get back to eating healthy. MFP has been a tremendous help in keeping track of my calories intake and making accountable for my eating. I have used other sight as well and they all help, but this one is by far the easiest and the fact you can friend others going through the same thing is great. I think this is going to be something I will need to do the rest of my life.

    Looking back I feel I have wasted so much of my life to this damn habit and have put my body through hell. I hope you young ladies can find the help, to get the real control, way sooner than I. I am happy to post that as of Feb. I have messed only once in August. I feel much better and I am determined to make healthy eatig my new habit.

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