Why do I keep choosing players?!
NCTravellingGirl
Posts: 717 Member
So I started a new job (within the same company) about 2.5 months ago. I LOVE it. I'm exhausted because of being short people, but it's almost all in place. I'm working with a new merchandising team in hardware instead of the rugs and curtain I used to work with, so you can imagine it's a lot of men.
One caught my eye right away. I call him Ginger when talking to my friends... he's an adorable red head. 6', broad shoulders, volunteers all the time, talkative, funny, and generally seems to be a nice guy. He's in Merchandising, but big surprise based on my past taste, he came out of IT (it's like I have an internal alarm).We've been talking a lot; he calls me in to ask me for help on things. He even offered to go speak to someone on my behalf after noticing how much this one guy kept cutting me off during a meeting. We've clearly been getting to know each other.
I've noticed just how many women are in his cube all the time. Friday at the end of the day, another worker says teasingly... we all know Ginger is the office gigolo. Ginger was MAD at that, and actually chastized that guy, saying,"I'm going to get a reputation, and Angie is going to think badly of me. Take that back".
I share all of that because it was clear he was trying to convince me it wasn't true, yet today another coworker called him a player but admitted she had no evidence of such, but his attitude and interactions with women led her to that opinion! He definitely has a ton of confidence and charisma!
I have realized lately that I keep being drawn into the smooth talking ways of players... so I think I did it again! I can't figure out WHY other than they tend to be dominant, good looking men?! WTF? It's like I'm sabotaging myself or something!
So what do I do? Nothing has really happened with him, so it's no big deal, but it scares me to think how I keep making bad choices and don't know what to do differently!
One caught my eye right away. I call him Ginger when talking to my friends... he's an adorable red head. 6', broad shoulders, volunteers all the time, talkative, funny, and generally seems to be a nice guy. He's in Merchandising, but big surprise based on my past taste, he came out of IT (it's like I have an internal alarm).We've been talking a lot; he calls me in to ask me for help on things. He even offered to go speak to someone on my behalf after noticing how much this one guy kept cutting me off during a meeting. We've clearly been getting to know each other.
I've noticed just how many women are in his cube all the time. Friday at the end of the day, another worker says teasingly... we all know Ginger is the office gigolo. Ginger was MAD at that, and actually chastized that guy, saying,"I'm going to get a reputation, and Angie is going to think badly of me. Take that back".
I share all of that because it was clear he was trying to convince me it wasn't true, yet today another coworker called him a player but admitted she had no evidence of such, but his attitude and interactions with women led her to that opinion! He definitely has a ton of confidence and charisma!
I have realized lately that I keep being drawn into the smooth talking ways of players... so I think I did it again! I can't figure out WHY other than they tend to be dominant, good looking men?! WTF? It's like I'm sabotaging myself or something!
So what do I do? Nothing has really happened with him, so it's no big deal, but it scares me to think how I keep making bad choices and don't know what to do differently!
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I have realized lately that I keep being drawn into the smooth talking ways of players... so I think I did it again! I can't figure out WHY other than they tend to be dominant, good looking men?! WTF? It's like I'm sabotaging myself or something!
This is why.... They're smooth-talking! There is nothing wrong with being drawn to them, and it isn't something that you can really see outright. Maybe he isn't really a player at all... No need to draw any conclusions yet!0 -
I have realized lately that I keep being drawn into the smooth talking ways of players... so I think I did it again! I can't figure out WHY other than they tend to be dominant, good looking men?! WTF? It's like I'm sabotaging myself or something!
This is why.... They're smooth-talking! There is nothing wrong with being drawn to them, and it isn't something that you can really see outright. Maybe he isn't really a player at all... No need to draw any conclusions yet!
just keep flying toward the light, little bug!0 -
just keep flying toward the light, little bug!
Ouch, Dave, haha....I get it... :laugh:0 -
I have realized lately that I keep being drawn into the smooth talking ways of players... so I think I did it again! I can't figure out WHY other than they tend to be dominant, good looking men?! WTF? It's like I'm sabotaging myself or something!
This is why.... They're smooth-talking! There is nothing wrong with being drawn to them, and it isn't something that you can really see outright. Maybe he isn't really a player at all... No need to draw any conclusions yet!
just keep flying toward the light, little bug!
It's okay. We can keep gathering truths about people's characters based on the inferences of others. Then we will remain in Single Peeps forever!0 -
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree.
I know couple charismatic flirts - that also manage to be loyal. They never cheat, they're just good with the ladies. While yes it's true, this is a common characteristic of "players", that type of guy also tend not to get into relationships. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but should we really live in fear? Should we reward timid, non charismatic men and punish perfectly good men for being fun?
In the player thread I said that "player" means someone is good with the ladies, and that doesn't necessarily mean they use that power for evil. I stand by that. You yourself said you don't have any evidence other than women seem to be drawn to him and some people have said he's a player without any evidence to back it up - and he was actually offended. If he respects you either as a potential mate or a coworker that's not something you want a woman walking away with so of course he tried to convince you of otherwise.
If you have already written him off, I'm open to tall gingers! Hahahaha!0 -
because they are exciting, are generally confident and self-assured and tend to have swagger . that's very attractive. charisma is always attractive0
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OK, Kit, you absolutely make sense to me. It's funny though how my past experience is now affecting my ability to use my gut in assessing someone, something I used to feel very good at. The minute this guy asked me to go with him for this weekend's Habitat for Humanity build, ironically, instead of thinking.... how awesome that he's passionate about helping... I actually used it as confirmation of his gigolo ways because the last two players I dated used volunteer work to feel better about themselves. Geez, I feel like a mess at this, haha...
And no, you can't have him...but we'll talk later. He really is a tall cute ginger... I LOVE natural red heads! :blushing:0 -
Be wary to your own admitted downfalls but at the same time give him a chance to prove himself one way or the other.0
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Other than the red head part..yup he sounds like exactly my cup of tea. Confident, charming, comfortable around both men and women...what is not to love? I empathize with you though..I am in the same headspace and don't really trust myself not to get taken in by a player..because of my past experiences too. Actually I find a lot of similarities when you post about this type of thing..perhaps we can compare notes! Lol
Anyway..I guess my advice to myself would be to move slower emotionally, keeping eyes really wide open and letting him show me who he is over time (instead of just his words..or me making over positive assumptions on his character).0 -
Not everyone that has confidence and can't talk to a woman without stammering is a player. If you don't have proof he's a player, how do you know? I'm friendly with many of my female colleagues, that doesn't mean I'm throwing the dice on getting some koodies on my junk. I personally don't dip my pen in company ink, that's worked out well for me over the years considering all the f'ked up things I've seen from people that did.0
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Just because a guy is a flirt and is charming doesn't necessarily mean he is a player.
Also, it sounds like a lot of women in your workplace have crushes on him if they hang out at his desk and teasingly call him a "player". A lot of times when a man is desirable and women are actively chasing THEM, they get a reputation. It happened to my dad before my mom and dad where dating. All these girls were chasing him and my mom thought he must be some sort of "smooth-talking ladies man" (which my dad is the farthest thing from! haha) Anyway, my mom was friendly and nice to him but didn't really flirt with him or be really aggressive and lo and behold, my dad asked her out!
He seems like a nice guy from what you say about him. I say, give him a chance and don't automatically write him off as a player. It sounds like he likes and respects you. Does he see you as possible relationship material? I don't know because I don't know the full situation, but I would definitely continue to cultivate a friendship with him and if he is attracted and wants to date than that's great!
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OK, Kit, you absolutely make sense to me. It's funny though how my past experience is now affecting my ability to use my gut in assessing someone, something I used to feel very good at. The minute this guy asked me to go with him for this weekend's Habitat for Humanity build, ironically, instead of thinking.... how awesome that he's passionate about helping... I actually used it as confirmation of his gigolo ways because the last two players I dated used volunteer work to feel better about themselves. Geez, I feel like a mess at this, haha...
And no, you can't have him...but we'll talk later. He really is a tall cute ginger... I LOVE natural red heads! :blushing:
It's fine to use your past experiences to learn from, but each person is an individual and so while I wouldn't say go for it balls out, let whatever is going to happen come out in it's own time - and then make a judgment about where to go from there.
A lot of people use volunteering to make themselves feel better. I think the real difference is when someone talks about how much they love the cause, or how much fun it is, versus how much good THEY are doing ("Look at me, aren't I such a good person, it's such hard work but I sacrifice soooo much because I am good! Do you see? I AM SO WONDERFUL!").
Relax, stay awesome, you'll be fine 0 -
GO FOR IT!!!!! YOLO and other stuff >.>0
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Agree with everyone else, confident/charming does not equal player.
In fact, players are usually smarmy creepy, not terribly good looking and overly touchy! If he was a player, he would have had you sucking him in the rest rooms already!! Players dont hang about!
Not that I'm an expert, but I've experienced one definite player :grumble:
This guy sounds like he's got a great personality and you both gel. I dont know if that mean's he's going to be good for you in all respects, but I wouldnt hang about looking for reasons not to like him or someone else will snap him up!! Go girl!! :flowerforyou:0 -
This.Agree with everyone else, confident/charming does not equal player.
Which leads to this...
What... Did you really think you were the only one to notice him? Other women did too.I've noticed just how many women are in his cube all the time.
Which give us this:
and thisanother worker says teasingly... we all know Ginger is the office gigolo.yet today another coworker called him a player but admitted she had no evidence of such
This hits very close from home. I had people (mainly men, but also women) talking to women I was interested in behind my back and warning them that I was a player (yes, recently too, in the last 3 months - I am amazingly not talking about high school here).
Maybe this guy is a good catch. Certainly worth a try.0 -
This.Agree with everyone else, confident/charming does not equal player.
Which leads to this...
What... Did you really think you were the only one to notice him? Other women did too.I've noticed just how many women are in his cube all the time.
Which give us this:
and thisanother worker says teasingly... we all know Ginger is the office gigolo.yet today another coworker called him a player but admitted she had no evidence of such
This hits very close from home. I had people (mainly men, but also women) talking to women I was interested in behind my back and warning them that I was a player (yes, recently too, in the last 3 months - I am amazingly not talking about high school here).
Maybe this guy is a good catch. Certainly worth a try.
I say give the guy a chance also. Just because you are shy doesn't mean eveyone else is or that you need to be with someone that is shy. Maybe he will help bring you out of your shell. Also it isn't it a good thing that he wants you to have a good impression of him?0 -
Usually where there is smoke there is fire. However, lol, I agree with whoever said, if you notice he is adorable .. other girls will too. Doesn't mean that he is the player. They were in HIS cube. He didn't bop from one cube to the next.
Don't close the book on him yet .. just watch him for a while and be YOUR best adorable self.
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I don't think this guy is a player. He is charming and a smooth talker which likely go thim the player label. But I see a major problem here. HE IS A CO-WORKER!!! Nothing good will come from a relationship or even a date for that matter with this gentlmen. You may find yourself the topic of some unsettling intra-office gossip. I Suggest to tread lightly or steer clear entirely.0
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I don't think this guy is a player. He is charming and a smooth talker which likely go thim the player label. But I see a major problem here. HE IS A CO-WORKER!!! Nothing good will come from a relationship or even a date for that matter with this gentlmen. You may find yourself the topic of some unsettling intra-office gossip. I Suggest to tread lightly or steer clear entirely.
Is there a reason why Americans are so bothered about work romances?? As far as I know MOST relationships start at work!! I know that my two LTRs were with guys I met at work (2 different companies), and whilst we kept it secret for a good while,those two relationships account for 18 years of my life!
Think positive, this guy could be the love of NC's life! :flowerforyou:0 -
I don't think this guy is a player. He is charming and a smooth talker which likely go thim the player label. But I see a major problem here. HE IS A CO-WORKER!!! Nothing good will come from a relationship or even a date for that matter with this gentlmen. You may find yourself the topic of some unsettling intra-office gossip. I Suggest to tread lightly or steer clear entirely.
Is there a reason why Americans are so bothered about work romances?? As far as I know MOST relationships start at work!! I know that my two LTRs were with guys I met at work (2 different companies), and whilst we kept it secret for a good while,those two relationships account for 18 years of my life!
Think positive, this guy could be the love of NC's life! :flowerforyou:
I definitely do not have this stigma. It's more commonly a bad idea for people that tend to have shorter relationships I think. You shouldn't date your immediate superior (or inferior) but that's just a matter of morals.0 -
Think positive, this guy could be the love of NC's life! :flowerforyou:
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I understand and absulutely wish NC the best. I just speak from personal experience. I had a beautiful 8 month relationship with a co-worker. We were on the same level, so no moral or ethical issues. But when the gossip became out right lies and rumor mongering, we knew it had to end. We were sad and she sadly left the company 4 months later. Never been the same since. I don't like the rumors, back stabbing, lies and tension it brings. Those who can make it a reality have my upmost respect. Pass some tips along in case I meet another great woman at work.0 -
I understand the comments about the workplace romance part. Truthfully, I've never been a fan, but it seems to keep happening. I work in a small town north of Charlotte, so there isn't much here. This company (a Fortune 50 company) has their HQ here with 4000+ people so even when I try not to date someone here, it still happens, haha.... I've been on 4 dates in the last few months. 2 of them were from here even unintentionally!! I met them online and it turned out they worked here. Those didn't turn out to be a problem though because we worked on opposite ends of a huge building (literally a half mile walk to come see me). This guy however, sits across the aisle from me, so it does concern me.
I really had to think about Flam's comments. I do recognize that there are some women who label men as a player because of their own issues. Of course other women pay him attention... he is friendly and outgoing and good looking, but not overly so. I'm trying to just build a friendship and we'll see from there.
Did I also mention that he's like 5 years younger than me? That part bothers me more than the work part, honestly, haha...0 -
I also believe in treading lightly when dating co-workers... then again I work with mostly women and gay guys, so don't necessarily listen to me here...
But I do always wonder where the line is between him just being friendly because he has to see you everyday and wanting more? Not saying you shouldn't go for it if the opportunity arises, but if you see him daily as opposed to some of the guys that you met online and happened to work for the same company, how would that be in terms of gossip, treatment or hostility if something should develop and fade (not just from him but everyone who works with both of you)?0 -
Think positive, this guy could be the love of NC's life! :flowerforyou:
I understand and absulutely wish NC the best. I just speak from personal experience. I had a beautiful 8 month relationship with a co-worker. We were on the same level, so no moral or ethical issues. But when the gossip became out right lies and rumor mongering, we knew it had to end. We were sad and she sadly left the company 4 months later. Never been the same since. I don't like the rumors, back stabbing, lies and tension it brings. Those who can make it a reality have my upmost respect. Pass some tips along in case I meet another great woman at work.
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That just makes me sad that petty squabbling broke up what could have been a wonderful relationship.
But I am really good at not caring about other people's stupidity where my own happiness is concerned.0 -
5 years younger....what he's still in his 30's then so why worry about that!
Just keep the player thing in your head but don't let it speak too loud unless you see true proof.
Enjoy getting to know him..if he's interested he'll let you know I hope.
Good luck I like the tall gingers too 0 -
5 years younger....what he's still in his 30's then so why worry about that!
Just keep the player thing in your head but don't let it speak too loud unless you see true proof.
Enjoy getting to know him..if he's interested he'll let you know I hope.
Good luck I like the tall gingers too
Yes, he's 31. Sometimes he seems like a big kid (like any guy really, haha) and sometimes his maturity surprises me.
At this point, I'm enjoying the discussion and not assuming that it's anything more than him being nice to me because we work together. It's hard... I want to interpret it to be more. Today he told me to have a great weekend, someone asked what he was doing, I made a joke about how many hot dates he probably had. He pretended not to hear, yet left and jokingly wouldn't speak to the one coworker who called him a gigolo before. I was joking, saying what's the deal. He said Ginger was likely just mad at HIM again since I made the joke about him having hot dates, haha... It really is bothering him, haha...
Anyway, I've had a crush on him since I started working there. No expectations and I'll keep my fantasies to myself :bigsmile:0 -
Worst case scenario (i.e. he isn't interested in you romantically), he at least looks like a chilled out, nice chap.Yes, he's 31. Sometimes he seems like a big kid (like any guy really, haha) and sometimes his maturity surprises me.
At this point, I'm enjoying the discussion and not assuming that it's anything more than him being nice to me because we work together. It's hard... I want to interpret it to be more. Today he told me to have a great weekend, someone asked what he was doing, I made a joke about how many hot dates he probably had. He pretended not to hear, yet left and jokingly wouldn't speak to the one coworker who called him a gigolo before. I was joking, saying what's the deal. He said Ginger was likely just mad at HIM again since I made the joke about him having hot dates, haha... It really is bothering him, haha...
Anyway, I've had a crush on him since I started working there. No expectations and I'll keep my fantasies to myself :bigsmile:
Better work with people like that than annoying/boring people!0 -
Worst case scenario (i.e. he isn't interested in you romantically), he at least looks like a chilled out, nice chap.Yes, he's 31. Sometimes he seems like a big kid (like any guy really, haha) and sometimes his maturity surprises me.
At this point, I'm enjoying the discussion and not assuming that it's anything more than him being nice to me because we work together. It's hard... I want to interpret it to be more. Today he told me to have a great weekend, someone asked what he was doing, I made a joke about how many hot dates he probably had. He pretended not to hear, yet left and jokingly wouldn't speak to the one coworker who called him a gigolo before. I was joking, saying what's the deal. He said Ginger was likely just mad at HIM again since I made the joke about him having hot dates, haha... It really is bothering him, haha...
Anyway, I've had a crush on him since I started working there. No expectations and I'll keep my fantasies to myself :bigsmile:
Better work with people like that than annoying/boring people!
I can't wait to see the posts that are post-office-holiday-party! Muahahahaaa
Edit: Fixed grammar up a bit. Way too embarrassed to let that disaster slide.0 -
Good luck with Ginger!
Don't mean to repeat what everybody else has said but yea, don't jump to conclusions. When I get those thoughts about an outgoing, hot, friendly guy I'm dating, I will ask myself, would I rather him be antisocial, jerky or lame and rude to people? That's how it tones the whole "player" vibe going off in my head just because of certain traits that can be misinterpreted.0 -
Did I also mention that he's like 5 years younger than me? That part bothers me more than the work part, honestly, haha...
Don't be afraid of the age gap. You're in your 30's. It's going to happen. Seems like for me, the age gap broadens the older I get. I am talking to a handful of men right now, of which the majority all happen to be younger than me. The youngest is 29. The oldest is 36. I'm 38. I honestly do not "GET IT" and after my divorce was final (he was 6 years younger), I told myself NO MORE YOUNGER MEN. Ha ha. Well, what was I doing? I was judging younger men based on my ex. That wasn't fair. Just because someone is younger than me does not necessarily mean that he's like my ex. In fact, I've learned that some of them are really amazing men with good careers, active lifestyles and fun personalities, and they don't have all the aches and pains and such that some older men seem to have. My only problem with younger is if they want more kids. That's not something I can give them. But those that have their own kids and those who say it really doesn't matter and those who just want to be my eye candy for a little while... I am okay with. LOL Don't shy away just because he's younger.
But just as it wasn't fair for me to judge younger men based on my ex, it is not fair for you to judge Ginger based on your past experiences. Learn from them, yes. Tread lightly, sure. He sounds great, and he sounds interested. Just keep your eyes and ears wide open.
Personally, I shy away from the guys whom everyone else likes too. I don't like being part of the "harem"... lol... Well, I certainly don't chase them. But if they chase me, well, that's a different story.
Sounds like he is chasing you.
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