When i started relapsing, i forced myself to think back to the reason why i wanted to lose weight in the first place. My first dabble into anorexia had little to do with losing weight. I realize now, i was merely forcing my body to its limits, punishing the pre-pubescent body i felt trapped in.

But upon my relapse, i was beyond those feelings. I am more of a woman than a girl now. I see the world differently. My brain doesn't race madly like it use to. So why did i go back to this. Why did starving seem like a good idea again all of a sudden?

After weeks of contemplation, and fervent hand written letters to myself i realized why i suddenly felt the need to lose weight.

I feel out of control again. Just like i did as a young teenager. I have lose all control of my life, and honestly i wish i could just hit the restart button sometimes. I think, some part of me imagines if i just lost enough weight, i could become someone else, someone better and stronger, and i would have a chance to start over. I fantasize all the time. Day dream about a new me, a new life, in a new place, with new people.

I think now, that my ED like many others was never really about being "skinny". It was about expressing my frustration. I am upset because i lack the control i desire. The only way i every knew how to express these feelings was by starving myself. Starving myself distorted my sense of reasoning and my disordered behaviors resurfaced.