Was it really every about being "thin"?

Options
skywa
skywa Posts: 901 Member
When i started relapsing, i forced myself to think back to the reason why i wanted to lose weight in the first place. My first dabble into anorexia had little to do with losing weight. I realize now, i was merely forcing my body to its limits, punishing the pre-pubescent body i felt trapped in.

But upon my relapse, i was beyond those feelings. I am more of a woman than a girl now. I see the world differently. My brain doesn't race madly like it use to. So why did i go back to this. Why did starving seem like a good idea again all of a sudden?

After weeks of contemplation, and fervent hand written letters to myself i realized why i suddenly felt the need to lose weight.

I feel out of control again. Just like i did as a young teenager. I have lose all control of my life, and honestly i wish i could just hit the restart button sometimes. I think, some part of me imagines if i just lost enough weight, i could become someone else, someone better and stronger, and i would have a chance to start over. I fantasize all the time. Day dream about a new me, a new life, in a new place, with new people.

I think now, that my ED like many others was never really about being "skinny". It was about expressing my frustration. I am upset because i lack the control i desire. The only way i every knew how to express these feelings was by starving myself. Starving myself distorted my sense of reasoning and my disordered behaviors resurfaced.

Replies

  • HiKaren
    HiKaren Posts: 1,306 Member
    Options
    I've started typing responses a few times to this Skywa... And erased them.. And I just want to give you a flower instead. :flowerforyou:
    You answered the question for yourself, and for alot of us. And I know you can make your dreams come true, if you really want to.
  • Crocetti1984
    Options
    I was always in the minority on this. I was never a person that needed control over something or anything like that. It really was/is about being skinny for me.
  • beccalucy
    beccalucy Posts: 250 Member
    Options
    Thank you for this.
  • Recovering_for_cupcakes
    Options
    I think for me it really did start out that way. I was the chubby one in my family, my mom put me on my first diet at age 8 and hung weight loss charts in my room and in the bathroom. I was always athletic but people would made snide comments about my weight effecting my performance even when I was performing at elite level. I gained a tremendous amount of weight with my daughter and once I had her I attached all my fears and uncertainties and PPD to losing the baby weight and showing the world that I was super mom instead of a terrified kid. It went down hill from there. My ED which was always mildly present became all that I was. I lost 100 lbs and ended up 30 lbs lighter than I was when I got pregnant, which wasn't that heavy to start with. Now when I obsess about the scale I know it's not really about weight, it's not about numbers it's about fear, and control and knowing or not knowing who I am. I'm hoping maybe one day I'll remember; it just hasn't quite happened yet.
  • AprilRenewed
    AprilRenewed Posts: 691 Member
    Options
    For me, it started out just because life was really bad, I was going through some stuff, and I couldn't eat. When I did, I binged. And then was so disgusted that I purged. And then more disgusted, so I stopped eating again.

    Then the numbers on the scale started going down, and that became addicting. How low could I go? I had to keep trying to get lower. I started to like how breakable my arms looked and how much I looked like a little child instead of a woman.

    So then, it DID come to all about being thin.

    But now, for me, it definitely started out emotional. Perhaps it was control, but it was more...I felt OUT of control. When I binged anyway. So then I'd purge and stop eating for a few days to get back INto control. The binges came when my world was so nuts that the walls were closing in.

    I don't know if any of this makes sense. But there ya go.
  • moonrats
    moonrats Posts: 7 Member
    Options
    I can relate to that one. (hugs)
  • eatathome
    eatathome Posts: 81 Member
    Options
    Nope, never for me. Once I get too skinny I always hide my body. I don't really get "thinspo", especially the ones who worship people who look like they're on death's door.

    It's always been about anxiety and obsessiveness for me.
  • BuffyEat2Live
    BuffyEat2Live Posts: 327 Member
    Options
    I think that mine was about killing myself. It started out as a "hardcore diet" and then I became an exercise addict and finally anorexic (EDNOS really, because I was never underweight by BMI standards despite being able to count my ribs).

    Anyway, I was very depressed and I really believe that my extreme eating behaviors during the worst parts of my ED were symptoms of that depression and my passive suicidal status.

    Because that's what I was doing, only slowly: killing myself.

    Of course, I told myself that once I was thin enough, I would be good enough, and then would be happy and be able to "stop" without any help and be able to stay at my tiny size easily.

    Now that I think about it, I still think those things sometimes about dieting and losing weight "in a healthy way" (MFP)! I think that a lot of people do, and that's a reason why I believe that dieting is a form of disordered eating for many people.

    I just hope that one day we can all be done with our eating issues and be HAPPY with our bodies and our lives.

    (((hugs))) to all of you. And thanks for posting this topic, it's an important one.
  • Punkedpoetess
    Punkedpoetess Posts: 633 Member
    Options
    For me it was about having control over one thing while living with very strict parents in a dysfunctional, abusive family setting growing up as well as wanting to be as thin as I could be without dying or being sick.I would battle between that and wanting to eat whatever I wanted. I still struggle at times with this. I cycled between bingeing and anorexic behavior from age 13 to 19 and still struggle with bingeing/emotional eating from time to time as well as fight off anorexic thoughts occasionally. I am likely EDNOS. I think everyone has different reasons why they have disordered eating patterns and we all share common ground in some ways.
  • moonrats
    moonrats Posts: 7 Member
    Options
    I've thought about it... and I really don't even know what it was about when I first started to restrict. I think once I did it... it just seemed like another thing to do, that I COULD do.
  • BuffyEat2Live
    BuffyEat2Live Posts: 327 Member
    Options
    For me it was about having control over one thing

    YES, control also! Sometimes the only thing that I feel I have control over is my eating, which is why I beat myself up whenever I overeat.
  • eatathome
    eatathome Posts: 81 Member
    Options