Guys and the friendzone
rainman3k
Posts: 174 Member
Long time lurker, first time poster! I was sent this link by a friend and have to say I'm glad I read it.
http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-01-03/guy-talk-what-dudes-need-to-know-about-the-friendzone/
I know this subject gets beat up a lot, but I really wish I had read this column last fall! I always seemed to get stuck in the friendzone but during the last few months realized it was all about my inability to be direct and confident.
Since doing that more and more the last month, it's amazing how things have changed and the more confident I have become.
But now this leads me to a new series of problems, and I would like to get the perspective of both men and women.
Men - As you find yourself going out on early round dates with multiple women, when do you decide to start scaling back and focusing on one of them? Do you actively look for new women online and worry about the ones you may be dating being turned off that you are still active on the site?
Women - Do you expect that the man you are at the early stages of dating is still looking? Does it make you feel differently towards him if you see he is still active on the site? How many dates does it take where you decide you want to spend more time with the new person?
http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-01-03/guy-talk-what-dudes-need-to-know-about-the-friendzone/
I know this subject gets beat up a lot, but I really wish I had read this column last fall! I always seemed to get stuck in the friendzone but during the last few months realized it was all about my inability to be direct and confident.
Since doing that more and more the last month, it's amazing how things have changed and the more confident I have become.
But now this leads me to a new series of problems, and I would like to get the perspective of both men and women.
Men - As you find yourself going out on early round dates with multiple women, when do you decide to start scaling back and focusing on one of them? Do you actively look for new women online and worry about the ones you may be dating being turned off that you are still active on the site?
Women - Do you expect that the man you are at the early stages of dating is still looking? Does it make you feel differently towards him if you see he is still active on the site? How many dates does it take where you decide you want to spend more time with the new person?
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Women - Do you expect that the man you are at the early stages of dating is still looking? Does it make you feel differently towards him if you see he is still active on the site? How many dates does it take where you decide you want to spend more time with the new person?
Hello!
I would expect that a man is dating other women until he tells me he isn't. But if you told me you didn't want to date anyone else and then were still active on a site .. that would tick me off and I would give you the boot. I usually know pretty quickly if I want to date someone more than once.0 -
Women - Do you expect that the man you are at the early stages of dating is still looking?
Yes. I multi-date in the beginning of relationships, so it's not surprising to me that men do it also. Particularly in the world of online dating, where everyone is seeking out dates, it would be odd to expect that arranging one or two dates would put a stop to everything else another person has going on.Does it make you feel differently towards him if you see he is still active on the site?
No, but that's because I would also be active.How many dates does it take where you decide you want to spend more time with the new person?
I don't know that I can peg a certain number of dates. It completely depends on the man and the dates (length, what you did, what the conversation covered). Some people you feel closer to and "click with" more quickly than others. I would say generally by date 3 I know whether or not things are going somewhere, though. That's when it gets tricky!0 -
Women - Do you expect that the man you are at the early stages of dating is still looking? Does it make you feel differently towards him if you see he is still active on the site? How many dates does it take where you decide you want to spend more time with the new person?
Hi, welcome and happy new year!
I am going to be totally honest in that I have an ego and pretty much expect everyone that chooses to date me to be delighted with me. LOL So while I know that they may technically be still looking, I prefer to just assume they are not. I don't go looking to find out either. It would absolutely make me change my mind about them if I saw they were still active on the site..not because they don't have a right to be..but see point number one - I'd no longer feel special, unique, individual etc.
With online dating - I generally know going into the first date how interested I am, because we've done some talking ahead of that. I know sometime in the first date whether or not I'm interested enough for a second date..but I'd wait till a kiss at the end of the date to completely know for sure. If they were really hot and there was great chemistry I'd probably have subsequent dates even if I knew I wasn't going to date them long term. This would be sexually motivated.
I make very, very quick decisions about people and am rarely proved wrong, have that ego/confidence thing which is probably a cover for a fear of rejection and want all the attention and love on me ALL the time. Very high need to give affection, but also receive it. Oh my poor boyfriend.... :laugh:0 -
Hi!
I recently went through this with my now bf. He was logging onto the site almost everyday; I started talking to other people too to help me not get attached to quick? I didn't want to deactivate my account so soon to not scare him off, so I just kept on talking to people.
After a while I quit responding to messages and he was logging in less frequently, until one day he deactivated his account! I quickly deactivated mine. A week or two later he asked me if I had spied on him lately!! I said: "Well what do you mean?" He mentioned the website and I said: "Oh no, I deactivated my account already." He said he did too and my response was: "I guess we're on the same page?
" That's that. :flowerforyou:
To answer your question, I do think they stay pretty active on the sites to keep their options open and it's to be expected. However, if we start dating and seeing each other every weekend, etc... it gets to a point where you have to choose- am I going to give this a shot? or am I not feeling her and I want to date other people? IN THAT CASE he should be honest to her about his intentions.0 -
I don't know that I can peg a certain number of dates. It completely depends on the man and the dates (length, what you did, what the conversation covered). Some people you feel closer to and "click with" more quickly than others. I would say generally by date 3 I know whether or not things are going somewhere, though. That's when it gets tricky!
Thanks, this is sort of what I am realizing about myself0 -
With online dating - I generally know going into the first date how interested I am, because we've done some talking ahead of that. I know sometime in the first date whether or not I'm interested enough for a second date..but I'd wait till a kiss at the end of the date to completely know for sure. If they were really hot and there was great chemistry I'd probably have subsequent dates even if I knew I wasn't going to date them long term. This would be sexually motivated.
Very good point, I figure the lead up to the first meeting or date is really like a date, so at some point during it I have a good feeling about moving forward.0 -
To answer your question, I do think they stay pretty active on the sites to keep their options open and it's to be expected. However, if we start dating and seeing each other every weekend, etc... it gets to a point where you have to choose- am I going to give this a shot? or am I not feeling her and I want to date other people? IN THAT CASE he should be honest to her about his intentions.
Thanks! That makes me feel a lot better about how things are going and not over thinking things!0 -
To answer your question:
Early stages of a relationship are a little hard to guage if you're not discussing them openly. In early stages of dating, you have to assume that the other person is still seeing other people (unless it is explicitly said otherwise). Likewise, it is acceptable for you to do so. I usually have a 3 Date Rule for myself. If I want to pursue the relationship after that, I'll stop talking to other men and stop going online. I make sure we have a discussion about being "exclusive" before we start sleeping together.
About the article:
I absolutely agree with the article. Most of the men I know have "friend zoned" themselves by not communicating what they want. You have to be able to invest time early in a relationship. There has to be some kind of indication that you want to be with that person and are wanting more than a "buddy" to hang out with.0 -
About the article:
I absolutely agree with the article. Most of the men I know have "friend zoned" themselves by not communicating what they want. You have to be able to invest time early in a relationship. There has to be some kind of indication that you want to be with that person and are wanting more than a "buddy" to hang out with.
Exactly. I can't tell you how MANY guys have ZERO follow-up & zero follow-through on those sites....
And they wonder why they are single......0 -
I expect that we are not exclusive until we have talked about it.
In other words I'm assuming he's dating multiple women until he tells me he wants to just see me..And he should assume I am doing the same. It might not be the case...but better assume that than the other.
PS glad you got your mojo going..confidence is so attractive0 -
Women - Do you expect that the man you are at the early stages of dating is still looking? Does it make you feel differently towards him if you see he is still active on the site? How many dates does it take where you decide you want to spend more time with the new person?
yep i do expect that, but that's because i am as well. I consider it fair game if nothing is serious, but then again I'm an extrovert and I tend to meet a lot of people. I've never done the one at a time dating approach unless there was only one guy who was interested in me and i was interested in at that time.
i'd rather guys are still dating around or keeping options open at the beginning stages. IMO anything else is just a little weird especially if nothing has been expressly discussed
as for the number of dates, i think it depends. if i met a guy i got along great with and after 2 or 3 dates he was like 'hey wait. i'd like to spend more time with you and i'm not cool with you seeing other guys" then i'd be Ok with that.
and yeah i agree that the guys who find themselves friendzoned quite often are the ones who havent made it clear that they are expecting to be more than friends.0 -
I expect a man is seeing others until he tells me he is not.
I will know when one rises above all others when we fill up so much of each other’s time that we no longer have time for anyone else.
When BB and I got to the point of spending 4-5 evenings per week together I had neither time nor interest in tending my Match.com account. When doing a review of some Single Peeps’ profile one night after he left, I was shocked to discover he’d been on Match while over at my place. That was about 3 months in, and I wasn’t hurt so much by him being on Match as I was upset that he was on while we were together having the kind of wonderfully romantic weekend that leads to the “exclusive” conversation.
I had previously had guys lie to me about seeing other women while seeing me (discovering they lied after we’d become “just friends”) so I didn’t even bother to ask him about it, but got back online and went out on a couple dates myself. When he wanted to know why I was so distant that next week, my friends urged me to talk to him.
This led to the “exclusive” convo and the promise on both sides no more Match.
But if I hadn’t heard the words from his mouth, I wouldn’t have believed it. I was burned by that several times, as were my friends.
This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with concentrating on getting to know one person at a time. I just know that I would be angry for taking myself off the market for months only to find out he was still playing the field.0 -
This led to the “exclusive” convo and the promise on both sides no more Match.
But if I hadn’t heard the words from his mouth, I wouldn’t have believed it. I was burned by that several times, as were my friends.
Totally agree, you MUST hear the words from his mouth before it is an exclusive relationship. Never assume.
I personally feel you should be on the market until exclusive and same for them. If you choose to just focus on one person at a time that is your decisions, but unless exclusive by verbal conversation, they should be free to see more than one person.
I find alot of this 'friend zone' stuff with online dating.0 -
To answer your question:
Early stages of a relationship are a little hard to guage if you're not discussing them openly. In early stages of dating, you have to assume that the other person is still seeing other people (unless it is explicitly said otherwise). Likewise, it is acceptable for you to do so. I usually have a 3 Date Rule for myself. If I want to pursue the relationship after that, I'll stop talking to other men and stop going online. I make sure we have a discussion about being "exclusive" before we start sleeping together.
Thank you, that is very useful information to have!0 -
I expect that we are not exclusive until we have talked about it.
In other words I'm assuming he's dating multiple women until he tells me he wants to just see me..And he should assume I am doing the same. It might not be the case...but better assume that than the other.
PS glad you got your mojo going..confidence is so attractive
Thanks Kerry, it's so hard to figure the confidence thing out! What you describe is sort of the attitude I am developing towards the online dating stuff!
To bad we don't live closer to one another as none of this would be an issue
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as for the number of dates, i think it depends. if i met a guy i got along great with and after 2 or 3 dates he was like 'hey wait. i'd like to spend more time with you and i'm not cool with you seeing other guys" then i'd be Ok with that.
Thank you that is the type of info I was looking for, but I know it will vary!0 -
This led to the “exclusive” convo and the promise on both sides no more Match.
But if I hadn’t heard the words from his mouth, I wouldn’t have believed it. I was burned by that several times, as were my friends.
This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with concentrating on getting to know one person at a time. I just know that I would be angry for taking myself off the market for months only to find out he was still playing the field.
This makes me think that I'll have to trust my gut feeling and initiate the conversation when I feel the time is right.0 -
Maybe I'm naive or whatever, but I think if a person is on date three or four with a person, they still shouldn't be accepting new first dates or also on date three or four with someone. If you like where something is going with someone, why are you still looking at other people? I think it's okay to still have a profile up, but if you've been on a few dates with one person, I personally don't think you should be actively searching.
Last march I went out on three dates with the same guy. If I found out he had made a first date with another girl or was on date 3 with another girl I would have been very upset.0 -
Personally if you go on a 2nd date with someone I think that means from then you should only be dating them from that point if you want to carry on seeing them, as by the 3rd date you'll know if its got potential. That's my view anyway, but then again I would probably only date one person at a time anyway.
As for the whole friend zone thing, I think its over simplified quite a lot, and there are various reasons it can come about, chemistry and attraction, situation, history etc. Personally with me and my ex, we very nearly just become close friends before getting together, were together for an intense 7 months, had a tough similar time period after she split up with me, but are now very close friends again, so its always difficult to judge where these things will end up. Equally people who have been close friends for years can suddenly end up together so friend zone to me is a bit general to use for every situation.0 -
Personally if you go on a 2nd date with someone I think that means from then you should only be dating them from that point if you want to carry on seeing them, as by the 3rd date you'll know if its got potential. That's my view anyway, but then again I would probably only date one person at a time anyway.
^^this!!
I've said this a million times, I dont understand the multi dating concept!!! Fine if you're just meeting and greeting a few people, but If I like someone, I give 100% to that person. I would know this by date 2 or 3.0 -
Personally if you go on a 2nd date with someone I think that means from then you should only be dating them from that point if you want to carry on seeing them, as by the 3rd date you'll know if its got potential. That's my view anyway, but then again I would probably only date one person at a time anyway.
^^this!!
I've said this a million times, I dont understand the multi dating concept!!! Fine if you're just meeting and greeting a few people, but If I like someone, I give 100% to that person. I would know this by date 2 or 3.
I agree, I belive that seeing multiple people at the same time impedes the natural development of a relationship with each as individuals. Despite this, I'm very accepting of the fact that others have different views informed by their experience/expectations and I wouldn't automatically exclude someone who wanted to keep their options open for longer. It would affect how much effort/interest I put into the relationship though. As in all things with relationships, the main thing is to communicate about it. That way you'll avoid making contradictory assumptions with one person possibly ending up feeling hurt/used.
PS congrats on escaping the friendzone! 0 -
Yeah, like everyone I think by the 3rd date you should have a pretty good idea if you want to pursue things or not relationship-wise.
I normally kiss on the first or second date.
I also try to see the "date" once the first week, and twice on second week. So normally, by the end of the second week I know if we're going anywhere or not and asks if the person is seeing other men or not...
It's fine to realise at the end of the first month (after you became "exclusive") that you aren't compatible and decide to not seeing each other anymore, and to resume normal dating.
But I want to give it a good, genuine shot first and I want to know within 2 weeks if there is no reciprocated interest.0 -
Men - As you find yourself going out on early round dates with multiple women, when do you decide to start scaling back and focusing on one of them? Do you actively look for new women online and worry about the ones you may be dating being turned off that you are still active on the site?
I don't more than one person at a time. I never saw the point of it, unless you're trying to sleep with as many partners as humanly possible.
If you do online dating, I've found it extremely easy to weed through the muck to find someone decent. This screening is easily done through sending a few e-mails back and forth. Every single woman I've met online (except one who completely misrepresented herself in her pictures), I could have easily seen myself in a relationship with. Never had a need to serial date.0 -
I don't more than one person at a time. I never saw the point of it, unless you're trying to sleep with as many partners as humanly possible.
If you do online dating, I've found it extremely easy to weed through the muck to find someone decent. This screening is easily done through sending a few e-mails back and forth. Every single woman I've met online (except one who completely misrepresented herself in her pictures), I could have easily seen myself in a relationship with. Never had a need to serial date.
How do you deal with the fact that in the early stages, the woman you are likely seeing is probably juggling 2-3 men?
I also find that a lot of times, no matter what the method, women will weed themselves out through non returned phone calls , texts or unwillingness/lack of a priority of putting time with me on their schedule.0 -
I don't more than one person at a time. I never saw the point of it, unless you're trying to sleep with as many partners as humanly possible.
If you do online dating, I've found it extremely easy to weed through the muck to find someone decent. This screening is easily done through sending a few e-mails back and forth. Every single woman I've met online (except one who completely misrepresented herself in her pictures), I could have easily seen myself in a relationship with. Never had a need to serial date.
How do you deal with the fact that in the early stages, the woman you are likely seeing is probably juggling 2-3 men?
I also find that a lot of times, no matter what the method, women will weed themselves out through non returned phone calls , texts or unwillingness/lack of a priority of putting time with me on their schedule.
A lot of times those serial daters will end up "forever alone". They like the feeling that they have so many options, when in reality, very few (if any) of those options are good ones. The only thing that serial dating accomplishes is that it turns off any quality partner.
I've seen it among my friends and people on here. They're the first to say they get 30 e-mails a week and go on 3 dates a week, yet they've been single for months, if not years. It's one big smoke and mirror show. They think they're getting close if they go on a lot of dates, but in reality, they're a million miles away.0 -
I don't more than one person at a time. I never saw the point of it, unless you're trying to sleep with as many partners as humanly possible.
If you do online dating, I've found it extremely easy to weed through the muck to find someone decent. This screening is easily done through sending a few e-mails back and forth. Every single woman I've met online (except one who completely misrepresented herself in her pictures), I could have easily seen myself in a relationship with. Never had a need to serial date.
Thanks Mike, I think I mentally fall into this category, but my gut tells me it is ok to try and go out with more than one person. I feel my early stage process of online dating is good, as I progress from email, to text/phone, to first date or meeting in about a 7-10 days. But the part I need to work on is when I start to feel like ok, I want to start to focus on one girl, how do I do it easily, lol
I'll probably send you and DM a message for some pointers!0 -
How do you deal with the fact that in the early stages, the woman you are likely seeing is probably juggling 2-3 men?
I also find that a lot of times, no matter what the method, women will weed themselves out through non returned phone calls , texts or unwillingness/lack of a priority of putting time with me on their schedule.
This is the justification my gut uses! But then I started thinking what if she isn't juggling multiple men but goes online and sees you have been on the site in the last 24 hours and decides, "oh if he is, I am going to keep looking too" Over thinking on my part possibly...
I am learning the easy answer may be until there is a sure indication that she is interested in pursuing things, maybe keep the screening process active for people you have in the mix, but hold off on adding anyone new.
Thanks for your in put as I have learned a lot from you and Mike while observing the threads!0 -
Men - As you find yourself going out on early round dates with multiple women, when do you decide to start scaling back and focusing on one of them? Do you actively look for new women online and worry about the ones you may be dating being turned off that you are still active on the site?
I don't more than one person at a time. I never saw the point of it, unless you're trying to sleep with as many partners as humanly possible.
If you do online dating, I've found it extremely easy to weed through the muck to find someone decent. This screening is easily done through sending a few e-mails back and forth. Every single woman I've met online (except one who completely misrepresented herself in her pictures), I could have easily seen myself in a relationship with. Never had a need to serial date.
Mike, I think this is rather pragmatic of you. And I understand what you mean about weeding through to find the good ones, but in my experience (and from friends & Peeps telling me too) that often for whatever reason most of us go through feast or famine in dating. Either you don't find anyone decent for a long time or everyone seems to be great at the same time. Just an observation I guess.0
