The wrong type of gay
_SABOTEUR_
Posts: 6,833 Member
I needed some advice and I guess reassurance after my night out at the weekend. I went to a predominantly straight club with some friends and I was eyed up by quite a few women all of whom were attractive and one who even flipped my bi switch a bit.
Then later I went to a predominantly gay club and didn't get looked at at all. I just don't know what to make of it. The club in question was Fire in Vauxhall which is a bit druggy (which I am not), but I have pulled there before when I was about 80lbs heavier. It has a mix of guys from twinks to muscle with everything in between.
I'm beginning to think I am not attractive to other gay men... I dunno. I guess I don't fit a category ie twink, bear, muscle etc.
Any advice?
Then later I went to a predominantly gay club and didn't get looked at at all. I just don't know what to make of it. The club in question was Fire in Vauxhall which is a bit druggy (which I am not), but I have pulled there before when I was about 80lbs heavier. It has a mix of guys from twinks to muscle with everything in between.
I'm beginning to think I am not attractive to other gay men... I dunno. I guess I don't fit a category ie twink, bear, muscle etc.
Any advice?
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Replies
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Could have just not been your night.
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"Everyone can't be straight. Everyone can't be beautiful. Everyone can't be the same, Patrick. Some people are just gay and average. We're the strongest I think." Jack from Broken Hearts Club
Yeah, maybe it just wasn't your night. Of course, I hate clubs and avoid them like the plague.0 -
As the others said, it probably wasnt your night. Go out again and let us know ;P0
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it could have also been that you were less stressed at the mostly-straight club. able to be more yourself b/c you weren't looking.0
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it could have also been that you were less stressed at the mostly-straight club. able to be more yourself b/c you weren't looking.
I think this might be true. Although I'd prob replace the words less stressed with less self-conscious. Being thinner/fitter has made me more confident in general, but doesn't seem to have passed into the sexually confident category.0 -
I never felt comfie in gay bars and never got hit on while at one. I met the love of my life when I was at work. Go to the bar for fun, and drinks, and good company. If there's someone there worth your time, you'll find him/he'll find you. If not, you'll find him someplace else
ETA: interesting fact: I was, however, hit on (by women) at straight bars. Go figure :huh:0 -
Could have just been your night or how comfortable you were (which can affect how approachable you look), like others said. Also possibly the makeup of your group - mixed, more ladies, more guys, whatever could affect how 'available' you looked.
Could ALSO be the type of bar - not gay/straight but I mean like some bars have reputations as bars where the women are pretty aggressive in expressing interest in men (like around here there are quite a few cougar bars). or vice versa. Or just generally where people know 'this is a place for hookups' and they are all checking each other out. You know what I mean.0 -
Hey. It was probably just not your night. You don't need to fit any type. Be yourself you'll meet someone. I NEVER have been flirted with by a girl straight or queer especially in a club. And I met my gf at work! :P Go back out or choose a different place. The world is full of people...of all types.
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Wrong night or wrong club.0
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Hey man saw your post and it brought me back to my clubbing days!!
I have to say I have gone to many a gay club when I was in college and after college. I can remember going when I was 50 pounds over weight and higher and regular normal ish weight and I can honestly say that in the 8+ years that my clubbing life was in existence I got hit on or tried to hit on only a hand full of people.
I can also say that I could not remember any of them etc etc.
Basically what I am trying to say is gay bars are all about nothing!
If you are trying to meet the person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with I am almost 100% sure you will of meet them at a gay club. You might meet the "right now" type of guy in the bathroom or to go home with for the night but you will not do d any substance at all.
As far as the straight clubs if those girls are flipping your bi-switch then be careful for her if you hook up if you know what I mean you don't want any little one running around! And also be careful that you don't hurt the girl you might be with.
Either way the right guy will come along when you least expect it and are not looking.
Keep your head up focus on you and you will be fine!0 -
Fire in Vauxhall is about as pretentious as you can get in clientele.
I stopped going there because I felt depressed after a night out.
XXL is a much nicer space for a decent night out.0 -
There really are so many factors as has been mentioned. There were times I would go out thinking I was looking so cute and was putting myself out there with my flirt on and got nadda.. Then other times I slopped something on, went out with a big group of friends, and got flirted with... WTH. Don't get down on yourself about one night. or even a string of nights. Human social gatherings have weird dynamics no matter what!0
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Yeah pretty much what James and Ron said. Social dynamics are very peculiar especially for us. Haven't been to a club in a long while. Sticking to the online world. Has worked out pretty well so far.0
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its weird how we validate ourselves by whether or not we are getting "hit on" or not. I usually only go to a bar or club if I'm with a group of friends out to have fun or dance. Started noticing the older I got..the less attention I'd get...and that DID bother me until I realized: Do I really care if a 20-something guy is checking me out? I met my current BF through a mutual friend. Never met anyone that amounted to anything at the bar.0
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It was probably just a wrong mixture of people at the gay club. You should try again!0
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I rarely ever get flirted with in person. And that's okay because most guys who are at clubs aren't worth my attention anyway. I am a strong, self-sufficient hottie in my own right. When I go out, I go with friends who are going to make my infrequent nights out fun for me. The only thing that makes my nights blah are when I go with just one friend and I end up ditched in lieu of him hooking up with some ratchet.0
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I think some people have hit the nail on the head when they refer to issues concerning stress and self-consciousness. However, I think we need to be honest about the over emphasis on 'the look' in gay club culture. When I was younger (cooler/better looking/thinner/spent a fortune on clothes) I never felt good enough and in turn held potential partners to an impossible standard - GUILTY! I missed out on meeting some great people. I think we would all feel much better if we validated ourselves based on how we feel about our whole selves instead of allowing a stranger to dictate how we look at ourselves. Check out the documentary "The Adonis Factor".0
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Who wants to attract someone who just wants you for your looks, anyway. EVERYONE will age (or die trying). I understand about initial physical attraction, but people are so much more than just something good to look at.0
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I'm experiencing something sort of similar right now. I know this is an old thread, but it's really nice to see it. At my biggest and at my smallest, lots of people flirted with me. But I'm in this in between state and it seems very few people find me attractive. I don't get it and sometimes it's pretty discouraging. I know you're not supposed to pay attention to stuff like that, but we're human and we do.
I like what the others are saying about confidence. Maybe that's also in an in between spot right now.0 -
As the queen diva always says....
If you can't love yourself...how in the hell are you gonna love anyone else....
Can I get an Amen?0 -
You aren't the only one... I can go out to a primarily straight bar with friends and catch the eye of one person, but when I've gone out to a primarily gay bar I don't get looked at. Don't take it to heart. You might have someone you don't notice eyeing you.
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The problem lies within the male gay community, I'm telling you. When we go to bars, we're too busy trying to look "fabulous" to actually be decent to each other. I went to a gay bar twice and have never gone back. They're really only good to find one night stands.0
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i agree with some of the responses. we even in the gay community is very judgemental among ourselves. you got your jocks, bears, twinks, to go further by race. I felt the same way to. I was over weight no attention at all, however the club i was at was a younger crowd, than did investigate the club and try all from the bears club i did get attention. Im interested in latin men, found one but it was mainly fit men muscles. than found one in L.A. where its laid back latin guys. Yes its a bad day, brush it off. Straigh club are different, had the same experience, but woman still doesnt hold it against men on looks as much as us gay men do. we put our fantasys first than seeing the guy who wants you.0
