Flirting Back- NIce Gesture or Wasting His Time?
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
Guys!! If you approach a woman and she is receptive (smiles, makes eye contact, basic chit-chat) do you get upset later and wish she wouldn't have wasted your time if the truth was she wasn't interested?
I ask because I have always been taught that it takes a man a LOT of guts to come up and talk to you (let alone ask your number or ask you out) so you should "reward him" with a pretty smile, chit chat and such. I don’t imply that I would go out with them, or touch their arms or anything that I think would be a come-on. I just use it as an opportunity to work on my networking skills.
One of the ladies I run with thought this was wrong. Since I am not interested in the men I meet out here, I am wasting his time by responding positively when he approaches me. I countered that it’s rude to just cut him off (and discourages him from approaching other ladies), and why not wait until he actually does something to indicate interest (like ask my number or ask me out which rarely happens) before turning him down?
What do you guys think?
I ask because I have always been taught that it takes a man a LOT of guts to come up and talk to you (let alone ask your number or ask you out) so you should "reward him" with a pretty smile, chit chat and such. I don’t imply that I would go out with them, or touch their arms or anything that I think would be a come-on. I just use it as an opportunity to work on my networking skills.
One of the ladies I run with thought this was wrong. Since I am not interested in the men I meet out here, I am wasting his time by responding positively when he approaches me. I countered that it’s rude to just cut him off (and discourages him from approaching other ladies), and why not wait until he actually does something to indicate interest (like ask my number or ask me out which rarely happens) before turning him down?
What do you guys think?
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Replies
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It depends on what you mean by "flirting back". At any rate, I feel that both options are wrong.
I personally treat every person who comes and talk to me with respect, regardless of the fact that I am interested in them or not.
Now... If I don't intend to have any "romantic" involvement with the person, then I won't "flirt" as such (but apparently, I'm quite flirty in my standard behaviour).
If a girl is smiling, making eye contact and doing basic chit-chat I won't assume automatically she is flirting either. Maybe she's just being friendly, as I would be myself.
I think it's rude and a bit presumptuous if a girl says to me "Sorry, not interested." from the get go... Not interested in what? Are you are actually assuming I'm hitting on you now because we are exchanging a few words?
Maybe I'm one of the few fools who believe a man can have girl (space) friends (I think I probably have more girl friends than male friends to be honest).
So... My answer is: if you make an interesting conversation to me, then I will never have wasted my time.
If you keep being overly flirty without any further intent (and if you don't contribute to the conversation), then you will have wasted my time, in this case I guess I'd rather be told from the start...0 -
If a girl is smiling, making eye contact and doing basic chit-chat I won't assume automatically she is flirting either. Maybe she's just being friendly, as I would be myself.
Unless she's a top-tier Hooters waitress, or stripper. At which point I will assume she so totally wants me. Helps if I'm on my fifth beer.
--P0 -
If a girl is smiling, making eye contact and doing basic chit-chat I won't assume automatically she is flirting either. Maybe she's just being friendly, as I would be myself.
Because you seem to have a good amount of confidence with women. there are a LOT of guys out there who assume you're responding to a flirt if you're just friendly.
I tend to be friendly too, so I also find myself in the same position as the OP sometimes.0 -
I understand what you are saying... And I agree that it can happen when the men are "over eager"/needy/if they think all women want them.
Because you seem to have a good amount of confidence with women. there are a LOT of guys out there who assume you're responding to a flirt if you're just friendly.If a girl is smiling, making eye contact and doing basic chit-chat I won't assume automatically she is flirting either. Maybe she's just being friendly, as I would be myself.
I tend to be friendly too, so I also find myself in the same position as the OP sometimes.
But, to me, if you're playing it decently on your side and not abusing the situation (not keeping the guy as an eternal suitor and asking for favours), then you should not lose any sleep over it as you haven't done anything wrong.
The guy just created his own film and so it's his problem really.
Note that there are a lot of women who assume that because I'm friendly I'm flirting, too. So this puts me in a similar (symmetric) position.
Although the advantage you have in this situation with men (who will be doing the asking most of the time) is that you will have the opportunity to tell them you are not interested and so there is no confusion in the type of relationship you are after (unless you found yourself a "Nice Guy (TM)").
With women (because most of the time they won't do the asking, and are waiting for me to make a move that I won't make as I'm just after friendship), the "friendly relationship" can go on for weeks ("Nice Girl"?).
Then suddenly, they get angry at you ( :noway: ) and you realise when they stop contacting you that they were after more than friendship...0 -
I guess it's not easy for any of us these days huh?
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Yes! People should be glad we offer them our friendship.
According to some studies, the average number of friends has fallen significantly in our modern age of technology...
( video "the science of the friend zone" :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGK2KprU-To ) 0 -
Yeah... There would probably be a slight bias in this case.
Unless she's a top-tier Hooters waitress, or stripper. At which point I will assume she so totally wants me. Helps if I'm on my fifth beer.If a girl is smiling, making eye contact and doing basic chit-chat I won't assume automatically she is flirting either. Maybe she's just being friendly, as I would be myself.
--P 0 -
Unless she's a top-tier Hooters waitress, or stripper. At which point I will assume she so totally wants me. Helps if I'm on my fifth beer.
--P
You did not just say TOP-TIER.... right????????????????????????????????????????????0 -
Yes! People should be glad we offer them our friendship.
According to some studies, the average number of friends has fallen significantly in our modern age of technology...
( video "the science of the friend zone" :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGK2KprU-To )
edit. Some people I know could take what i said the wrong way. 0 -
If a girl is smiling, making eye contact and doing basic chit-chat I won't assume automatically she is flirting either. Maybe she's just being friendly, as I would be myself.
I think it's rude and a bit presumptuous if a girl says to me "Sorry, not interested." from the get go... Not interested in what? Are you are actually assuming I'm hitting on you now because we are exchanging a few words?
Maybe I'm one of the few fools who believe a man can have girl (space) friends (I think I probably have more girl friends than male friends to be honest).
This is how I would feel as well.0 -
Unless she's a top-tier Hooters waitress, or stripper. At which point I will assume she so totally wants me. Helps if I'm on my fifth beer.
--P
You did not just say TOP-TIER.... right????????????????????????????????????????????
Sorry. I meant to write: "high caste Hooters waitress...."
--P0 -
Yeah every time a low tier person tries to make chit chat with me I just stop them and let them know I'm not interested. Obviously I'm doing them a favor by not wasting their time.
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Unless she's a top-tier Hooters waitress, or stripper. At which point I will assume she so totally wants me. Helps if I'm on my fifth beer.
--P
You did not just say TOP-TIER.... right????????????????????????????????????????????
Sorry. I meant to write: "high caste Hooters waitress...."
--P
Surely an oxymoron...?! 0 -
Yeah every time a low tier person tries to make chit chat with me I just stop them and let them know I'm not interested. Obviously I'm doing them a favor by not wasting their time.
Obviously! :flowerforyou: For once (don't faint, Florian!), I find myself agreeing with Flim Flam. Being friendly and polite can be mistaken for flirtation, but shouldn't be assumed to be so. It would be a shame if everyone stopped being pleasant to people they've just met because they didn't want to "lead them on" or "waste their time".0 -
Can we not turn this into a tier conversation?
I would actually like to know the answer for this. In JJ'a case she has a boyfriend so she wouldn't be interested in another guy no matter the tier.0 -
Can we not turn this into a tier conversation?
I would actually like to know the answer for this. In JJ'a case she has a boyfriend so she wouldn't be interested in another guy no matter the tier.
No, but that's no reason she should be unfriendly or impolite to someone who's chatting to her on the off-chance they may be 'interested'. It's a big assumption to assume that everyone who starts to chat to you has a romantic/sexual intention in mind, and a little mild flirtation often greases the wheels of social interaction. Heck, I can't flirt to save myself with someone I'm interested in romantically, but I certainly do flirt gently on a day-to-day basis with servers/people I'm standing in queues with/someone who talks to me on a train or in a cafe... I'm not romantically interested in 99% of them, and they're not interested in me in a physical sense, 99% of the time, but it makes our interaction more pleasant, more light-hearted. Hardly a waste of time to send someone away from a conversation with a smile on their face. 0 -
Can we not turn this into a tier conversation?
I would actually like to know the answer for this. In JJ'a case she has a boyfriend so she wouldn't be interested in another guy no matter the tier.
No, but that's no reason she should be unfriendly or impolite to someone who's chatting to her on the off-chance they may be 'interested'. It's a big assumption to assume that everyone who starts to chat to you has a romantic/sexual intention in mind, and a little mild flirtation often greases the wheels of social interaction. Heck, I can't flirt to save myself with someone I'm interested in romantically, but I certainly do flirt gently on a day-to-day basis with servers/people I'm standing in queues with/someone who talks to me on a train or in a cafe... I'm not romantically interested in 99% of them, and they're not interested in me in a physical sense, 99% of the time, but it makes our interaction more pleasant, more light-hearted. Hardly a waste of time to send someone away from a conversation with a smile on their face.
But that was her question. She is friendly to the guys and her friends say that is cruel because she is leading them on. What is it that guys prefer? To be told up front so they don't waste time or to wait until they make an actual request for a date.0 -
Can we not turn this into a tier conversation?
I would actually like to know the answer for this. In JJ'a case she has a boyfriend so she wouldn't be interested in another guy no matter the tier.
No, but that's no reason she should be unfriendly or impolite to someone who's chatting to her on the off-chance they may be 'interested'. It's a big assumption to assume that everyone who starts to chat to you has a romantic/sexual intention in mind, and a little mild flirtation often greases the wheels of social interaction. Heck, I can't flirt to save myself with someone I'm interested in romantically, but I certainly do flirt gently on a day-to-day basis with servers/people I'm standing in queues with/someone who talks to me on a train or in a cafe... I'm not romantically interested in 99% of them, and they're not interested in me in a physical sense, 99% of the time, but it makes our interaction more pleasant, more light-hearted. Hardly a waste of time to send someone away from a conversation with a smile on their face.
But that was her question. She is friendly to the guys and her friends say that is cruel because she is leading them on. What is it that guys prefer? To be told up front so they don't waste time or to wait until they make an actual request for a date.
Ah, sorry. Didn't re-read OP before posting, and am operating on minimal sleep this week. I have a sick-nearly-93-year-old, and an even more unwell not-in-good-health-anyway-64 year old on my hands, an audition tomorrow and an obscene amount of music to learn as well as the day job. A bit too tired to be entirely logical/coherent. Think I'd better take a break from posting!0 -
The guy just created his own film and so it's his problem really.
This is a pretty succinct way to put it.
You aren't being cruel - "he" is being delusional.0 -
I'm a super friendly person lol.... So I don't shoot a guy down quickly when he comes up to me.... The other night when I was out I was getting prepped to leave the bar so I was drinking water for my last hour... I had 4 different gentlemen offer to by me a drink... I very nicely told them that I was leaving within the hour so I wanted to stop drink and thanked them... Then I talked to them for about 10 minutes each... I always try to be nice and friendly when a guy appraoches me its hard to risk public embaressment like that... Also if I'm not interested I don't send out any signals beyond the basic nice people ones lol0
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I think P and I were joking about the whole tier thing. If you want an honest response, I don't always automatically assume everyone who talks to me is into me. So why should I be rude?Can we not turn this into a tier conversation?
I would actually like to know the answer for this. In JJ'a case she has a boyfriend so she wouldn't be interested in another guy no matter the tier.
And as a man I can usually tell when someone isn't really into me without them being rude about it. I also understand that women will flirt back with me just for fun. But it is possible to be friendly without being flirty. In JJ's case I see no problem with being friendly until the guy starts being blatantly flirty.0 -
If a girl is smiling, making eye contact and doing basic chit-chat I won't assume automatically she is flirting either. Maybe she's just being friendly, as I would be myself.
Unless she's a top-tier Hooters waitress, or stripper. At which point I will assume she so totally wants me. Helps if I'm on my fifth beer.
--P
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I think P and I were joking about the whole tier thing. If you want an honest response, I don't always automatically assume everyone who talks to me is into me. So why should I be rude?
And as a man I can usually tell when someone isn't really into me without them being rude about it. I also understand that women will flirt back with me just for fun. But it is possible to be friendly without being flirty. In JJ's case I see no problem with being friendly until the guy starts being blatantly flirty.
Absolutely agree with this.... I am a flirt, but not in an obnoxious way. More friendly flirty? Unless I really want him...then he'll know it. 0 -
But it is possible to be friendly without being flirty. In JJ's case I see no problem with being friendly until the guy starts being blatantly flirty.
^^^ this!
I dont 'flirt' with guys I'm not attracted to/interested in. But I'm always friendly and polite. There is a difference IMO0 -
Guys!! If you approach a woman and she is receptive (smiles, makes eye contact, basic chit-chat) do you get upset later and wish she wouldn't have wasted your time if the truth was she wasn't interested?
I ask because I have always been taught that it takes a man a LOT of guts to come up and talk to you (let alone ask your number or ask you out) so you should "reward him" with a pretty smile, chit chat and such. I don’t imply that I would go out with them, or touch their arms or anything that I think would be a come-on. I just use it as an opportunity to work on my networking skills.
One of the ladies I run with thought this was wrong. Since I am not interested in the men I meet out here, I am wasting his time by responding positively when he approaches me. I countered that it’s rude to just cut him off (and discourages him from approaching other ladies), and why not wait until he actually does something to indicate interest (like ask my number or ask me out which rarely happens) before turning him down?
What do you guys think?
I wouldn't think it was a waste of time unless the woman was stringing me along just for attention.0 -
I wouldn't think it was a waste of time unless the woman was stringing me along just for attention.
It could also be that laundry day is coming up and her washing machine is broken.
Or she's trying to save energy. GO GREEN! Use washboard abs for laundry.0 -
I'm all for Going Green!!
Think there is a definite difference between being friendly and flirting with intent. No reason to be rude or not have a fun conversation with someone you meet.0 -
So two ladies were talking about this with me. One of them, trim really good looking, long hair was friendly to 3 guys who came up during the course of our hanging out (I thought guys didn't approach women in groups of 3+???). Me and the other girl told her, "you know they're flirting with you, right?" and she told us she never thinks men are flirting with her. She's just nice and friendly to everyone. Me and the other girl both agree with being nice and friendly, but at the same time when he starts laying on the compliments and giving that goofy grin, we both find a way to mention our men (for example: thanks, my boyfriend/husband thinks so too)
The really cute girl said that was rude, and by doing this we were automatically assuming the guy was hitting on us and he could just be trying to make new friends.
What do you think? Are we rude, or we saving the guy wasted time?
Edit: I think I'll post this as it's own topic0
