Do the touching and comments ever end?
RBXChas
Posts: 2,708 Member
ETA that the TL;DR version is in the second comment. I know I'm verbose!
Seriously, how many times do you have to explain to some people that it is NOT ok to touch my belly and/or to comment on my figure/size before they get the message and stop?
The other day my husband and I were on our way out of the office, and we ran into a client outside. We got to talking, and our receptionist came out to talk to him as well. Said receptionist has made jokes in the past about wanting to touch my belly, but I've told her outright that I don't like to be touched and will slap anyone's hand away who tries to touch me.
Well, in mid-conversation *with a client* she touches my belly and then gets the (what I call) "nanny-nanny-boo-boo" look on her face (she's in her 50s but rather immature - unfortunately she's good at her job and doesn't demand ridiculous pay) and says, "I'm telling [our paralegal] that I got to touch it!"
My belly's not an "it." It's still ME. Anyway, I didn't call her out right then and there because we were in front of a client, so I didn't want to embarrass her or say something that might come off as b*tchy. I figured I would bring it up at the next opportune moment.
To preface what happened yesterday, I will say that our other staff member, the above-mentioned paralegal has made a couple of comments about my looking "round" on certain days and then quickly tries to backpedal. She will apologize, saying that she knows I don't like comments like that. (I, frankly, hate the constant scrutiny, and the comments are unprofessional and uncalled-for.)
So yesterday, while I'm in the middle of something important, our paralegal comments that I'm very "round" today. As I pass by her, I look at her and say, without emotion, "Thanks."
Instead of apologizing, she says, "Well, it is round today."
I turn to her and say, "I don't appreciate those kind of comments. I don't need someone telling me on a regular basis what the shape of my body is on any particular day. During my last pregnancy I had a co-worker who insisted on giving me a daily report of how 'preggo' I looked, and I had to have the partners ask her to stop because she wouldn't listen to me." Her response was to say that when she was in labor with her first daughter, she didn't like anyone touching her. Totally unrelated, so I'm not sure why she shared that.
Our receptionist (from the beginning of the story) comes out of our reception area and walks by me to do something, and with an idiotic smirk on her face, announces that she got to touch my belly the other day.
Ah, the opportunity arose... so I say, "About that, I didn't appreciate that, either. I didn't say anything at the time because we were in front of [client], but you know I don't like being touched, and what you did was inappropriate."
She laughed and said, "Well, you were bumping me with it!" I replied, "First of all, I was standing three feet away from you. Second, even if I was standing right next to you, it was inappropriate." Her reply was, "Oh, my daughter used to cry when people touched her belly. It was hilarious."
I'm sure it was to you, but now (1) you've blown me off, (2) you've compared me to your 19-year-old daughter, and (3) you've implied that even though you were several feet away from me, my belly was right there next to you. Clearly you have no respect for me or for my wishes, and you've insulted me in the process.
I talked to my husband about it, and he says he thinks they got the picture and that I should only get very serious with them if either of them does anything again. I don't think they got the picture, and I don't think I should have to wait until they mess up again before I say something. I want this to end now.
So we are debating having a staff meeting on Monday to discuss this, among other things. (The other things could be handled outside of a meeting, but sitting down and expressing how serious I am about the comments/touching is the only thing that, in my opinion, might have any effect.)
Since we are a small office, we tend to be very relaxed and friendly (plus our receptionist and paralegal are sisters), but this crosses a very well-defined line for me. It is extremely rare for me to have to talk to them in such serious tones, but it's like they took it as a joke yesterday when I did so. I would never come into the office and comment on how big one of them looked today.
What do you think? Should we sit down and have a meeting, or should I hope they got the picture yesterday and wait for them to mess up before I say something else? I'm afraid if it happens again I will blow up on them, and that will be really bad for everyone involved.
Seriously, how many times do you have to explain to some people that it is NOT ok to touch my belly and/or to comment on my figure/size before they get the message and stop?
The other day my husband and I were on our way out of the office, and we ran into a client outside. We got to talking, and our receptionist came out to talk to him as well. Said receptionist has made jokes in the past about wanting to touch my belly, but I've told her outright that I don't like to be touched and will slap anyone's hand away who tries to touch me.
Well, in mid-conversation *with a client* she touches my belly and then gets the (what I call) "nanny-nanny-boo-boo" look on her face (she's in her 50s but rather immature - unfortunately she's good at her job and doesn't demand ridiculous pay) and says, "I'm telling [our paralegal] that I got to touch it!"
My belly's not an "it." It's still ME. Anyway, I didn't call her out right then and there because we were in front of a client, so I didn't want to embarrass her or say something that might come off as b*tchy. I figured I would bring it up at the next opportune moment.
To preface what happened yesterday, I will say that our other staff member, the above-mentioned paralegal has made a couple of comments about my looking "round" on certain days and then quickly tries to backpedal. She will apologize, saying that she knows I don't like comments like that. (I, frankly, hate the constant scrutiny, and the comments are unprofessional and uncalled-for.)
So yesterday, while I'm in the middle of something important, our paralegal comments that I'm very "round" today. As I pass by her, I look at her and say, without emotion, "Thanks."
Instead of apologizing, she says, "Well, it is round today."
I turn to her and say, "I don't appreciate those kind of comments. I don't need someone telling me on a regular basis what the shape of my body is on any particular day. During my last pregnancy I had a co-worker who insisted on giving me a daily report of how 'preggo' I looked, and I had to have the partners ask her to stop because she wouldn't listen to me." Her response was to say that when she was in labor with her first daughter, she didn't like anyone touching her. Totally unrelated, so I'm not sure why she shared that.
Our receptionist (from the beginning of the story) comes out of our reception area and walks by me to do something, and with an idiotic smirk on her face, announces that she got to touch my belly the other day.
Ah, the opportunity arose... so I say, "About that, I didn't appreciate that, either. I didn't say anything at the time because we were in front of [client], but you know I don't like being touched, and what you did was inappropriate."
She laughed and said, "Well, you were bumping me with it!" I replied, "First of all, I was standing three feet away from you. Second, even if I was standing right next to you, it was inappropriate." Her reply was, "Oh, my daughter used to cry when people touched her belly. It was hilarious."
I'm sure it was to you, but now (1) you've blown me off, (2) you've compared me to your 19-year-old daughter, and (3) you've implied that even though you were several feet away from me, my belly was right there next to you. Clearly you have no respect for me or for my wishes, and you've insulted me in the process.
I talked to my husband about it, and he says he thinks they got the picture and that I should only get very serious with them if either of them does anything again. I don't think they got the picture, and I don't think I should have to wait until they mess up again before I say something. I want this to end now.
So we are debating having a staff meeting on Monday to discuss this, among other things. (The other things could be handled outside of a meeting, but sitting down and expressing how serious I am about the comments/touching is the only thing that, in my opinion, might have any effect.)
Since we are a small office, we tend to be very relaxed and friendly (plus our receptionist and paralegal are sisters), but this crosses a very well-defined line for me. It is extremely rare for me to have to talk to them in such serious tones, but it's like they took it as a joke yesterday when I did so. I would never come into the office and comment on how big one of them looked today.
What do you think? Should we sit down and have a meeting, or should I hope they got the picture yesterday and wait for them to mess up before I say something else? I'm afraid if it happens again I will blow up on them, and that will be really bad for everyone involved.
0
Replies
-
TL;DR version is that my husband and I have two staff members who can't seem to get it in their heads that touching my belly and/or making comments about how "round" I am are unprofessional and unappreciated. I need them to stop, and I had a discussion with them yesterday about it that I don't think did any good. My husband thinks they might have gotten the picture, so I should give them another chance before I get very serious with them. I think they didn't take me seriously and need that serious conversation regardless.
Just looking for advice (and part of it is admittedly a rant!). Thanks
0 -
You don't want them commenting or touching, you shouldn't have to deal with it and should stop it now. Unfortunately, even after my first 2 were born, there was a period of time when strangers would still touch and ask when I was due. I couldn't even bring myself to comment as I was holding what was very obviously a newborn.0
-
Start giving them the stink eye and stop being nice about it. If being nice doesn't work, then resort to not-nice measures. It's not okay to be so touchy and make comments like that.0
-
On a side note, have you tried touching their bellies and commenting on their shape? I did that to a few people in an earlier pregnancy and they were so horrified that they not only didn't comment again, but stayed away for a while too!0
-
^ YES, rub their belly. Some woman at Walmart had the audacity to come up to me without introducing herself, rub my belly, then ask if I was having twins. So I rubbed her's and asked if she was a have quintuplets. I never felt so happy watching that self indulgent smile slide from her face. It was mean, but I was so tired of people touching me that I just couldn't handle it anymore. I would make a serious deal out of it if they are obviously not listening to you. That is YOUR personal space and no one should be touching you without your permission.0
-
I see it as a form of sexual harassment and should be treated in the same manner.0
-
I was pretty forceful yesterday when I reiterated that I will not tolerate any more comments or touching, but I think they took it more as silly pregnant woman complaints than actual "policy." I also think a part of them likes to see me fired up, since it's such a rare occurrence.
Anyway, I will tell my husband tonight that I've thought about it, and we need to have a sit-down about it come Monday morning.
I'm glad to know that I'm not being oversensitive. It really annoys the piss out of me when they do it, and their not taking my protests seriously pisses me off even more. They know I'm their boss, and generally speaking they treat me as such, but sometimes I think they take our casual office environment a little too far. This is a line they are not allowed to cross, and I need to make that crystal clear.0 -
I see it as a form of sexual harassment and should be treated in the same manner.
This was one of my arguments to my husband about why I shouldn't have to wait for one more occurrence before saying something more. I wouldn't say it's sexual harrassment because the comments/touching are not sexual in nature - but it's definitely harrassment and grounds for termination. Unfortunately firing either one of them isn't an option for various reasons (though if we absolutely had to, then so be it), but they don't know that.0 -
This is such a tricky situation because you do want to keep the office atmosphere friendly and comfortable, but you also need it to be a professional atmosphere where employees respect each others' intellect, wishes, and personal space. I would have a sit-down meeting to explain these two point and to show how serious you are. Explain that while you enjoy working with them, you need to keep the atmosphere in the office professional. Making comments about your size or anyone's size ever, or touching your stomach at any time (and especially in front of clients) undermine the professional, respectful atmosphere of the office and could actually be construed as a form of harassment. Can you find parallel examples of where it would be inappropriate to comment on someone's body and draw connections, like a man commenting on a woman's cleavage, or women commenting on another's weight, etc?0
-
This is such a tricky situation because you do want to keep the office atmosphere friendly and comfortable, but you also need it to be a professional atmosphere where employees respect each others' intellect, wishes, and personal space. I would have a sit-down meeting to explain these two point and to show how serious you are. Explain that while you enjoy working with them, you need to keep the atmosphere in the office professional. Making comments about your size or anyone's size ever, or touching your stomach at any time (and especially in front of clients) undermine the professional, respectful atmosphere of the office and could actually be construed as a form of harassment. Can you find parallel examples of where it would be inappropriate to comment on someone's body and draw connections, like a man commenting on a woman's cleavage, or women commenting on another's weight, etc?
I totally agree with your post (thank you!), and this is how I expect to handle it when we have our meeting, including drawing parallels. It's a tough situation when we have employees on whom we rely so heavily and with whom we work closely because we have to keep that professional distance yet not be so distant that our friendly work environment suffers. We want them to want to continue working with us, too! So it's pretty much impossible for me to be "in your face" about it or even really threatening, and I don't think chastising co-workers as if they are children gets us anywhere. It needs to be laid out rationally and in a way that makes it clear that this is not a laughing matter. Plus if my husband and I present a united front (as opposed to their thinking I am being overly sensitive and then going to him behind my back to pick on me), it will hopefully be effective.0 -
Let us know how it works out! I agree with everything said. Do you have a "write up" type thing? Because I would definitely consider starting giving out write up's for that stuff. It's one thing to make a dumb comment, realize it, and apologize. It's a totally different thing for you to confront them and them now only blow it off but make MORE comments0
-
I have no helpful commentary but wow, that takes some audacity to do it to your boss and then blow her off.0
-
Wow....people are strange. I'm interested in how it all goes.
I'm not much help as no one has touched me yet and only 2 strangers have made a comment (all nice).
I'd maybe say, "I'm a bit confused, I've felt that I've made it clear that I don't like being touched or having comments made about my body. It's clear to see that I haven't. Can you help me understand how we can resolve this situation?"
I always like throwing the ball back into the other persons court when nothing is working. But, it sounds like they are going to do whatever they want to do.0 -
I see it as a form of sexual harassment and should be treated in the same manner.
This was one of my arguments to my husband about why I shouldn't have to wait for one more occurrence before saying something more. I wouldn't say it's sexual harrassment because the comments/touching are not sexual in nature - but it's definitely harrassment and grounds for termination. Unfortunately firing either one of them isn't an option for various reasons (though if we absolutely had to, then so be it), but they don't know that.
This is upsetting that you have to deal with such insensitive, immature staff. No means no and the fact that you have verbally stated you wish to not be touched or commented upon, and they are still making gestures and statements, is shocking. I understand that you want to keep a professional, friendly environment at work, but this is all crossing a line. It may not be sexual in nature, but they are violating your wishes, your personal space and blatantly disrespecting you. I'd be less worried about their comfort level at work and more concerned with yours. Do you have a human resources department that you could weigh in with on this? If you have tried addressing them directly and are getting nowhere, I'd step it up a bit. I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap situation and I hope that they get the drift, but I hope it's not at the expense of you feeling comfortable at work. It would be ideal to maintain a relaxed atmosphere, but there is no point suffering to entertain the whims of rude people. I wish you the best with this.0 -
Did you have the office talk yet? How did it go?0
-
My son was sick on Monday, so I was out, then Tuesday my husband was in court all day, then Wednesday through today I've been out sick/recovering. (I got the stomach bug early Wednesday morning - for the SECOND time this pregnancy, ugh!)
My husband has a trial this coming Monday morning, too, and we have meetings in the afternoon, so that's out. He and I need to sit down and figure out when we can have another staff meeting to cover this and other topics.
To answer some of the questions, my husband and I are both attorneys and have our own firm. These two ladies are our only staff, and there's no HR department to speak of but, well, the two of us!
If it happens again before we can sit down and talk about it, I will simply have to have an impromptu meeting about it with or without my husband, that's all.0 -
How is it going at work???
I thought you'd find it funny that as soon as I made the comment that no one said anything rude to me, I got a rude comment. My MIL said to me I was a "fat mommy" and a "chubby mommy". I honestly don't think she means to be hurtful, but come on! No one wants to hear that.0 -
I was also wondering how that situation at work turned out.....
It can be awkward in certain settings to deal with the comments....for me, it's with family members and at church...because I don't want to be rude back....lol the suggestions some of you gave for dealing with people in public are so funny though (touching their belly).....
For example, someone in my family flat out asked me how much weight I have gained....I responded politely that it is personal information (I am a private person to begin with and this member of my family has made comments to me before about my body...for example one time when I was NOT pregnant I bought a new dress and she told me I needed granny support hose to make more room for my backside...despite the fact that my husband loved the dress, I did not wear it for another 5 months because this person made me feel so insecure)....also if we happen to go shopping together she will ask me 'are you sure that fits you?" EVERY time I am going to buy something....so I was not about to share that kind of information with her. She insisted on asking me again how much I'd gained and I replied again by saying that is a personal question, and explained that I would never ask her how much she weighs...so that put it in a different perspective! I hope I didn't sound rude, because it wasn't my intention, but I am not obligated to share that info!
I went to a baby shower for a friend that was hosted by people from her church (which some of my family goes to, so I go there occasionally, but I prefer to attend a different church)....this lady I barely know says to me, "Wow, look at you, you're coming on out there! I see you once a week and you're just bigger and bigger every time!" The funny thing was, I hadn't even been to their church in a month, as I go to a different church....
It seems that the comments just get more frequent as the pregnancy progresses!!! I would like to think that it won't continue afterwards!0 -
How is it going at work???
I thought you'd find it funny that as soon as I made the comment that no one said anything rude to me, I got a rude comment. My MIL said to me I was a "fat mommy" and a "chubby mommy". I honestly don't think she means to be hurtful, but come on! No one wants to hear that.
I would so have told my mom off for that. Well, that's probably harsh, but I would have made it clear that I didn't appreciate that comment. Of course my mom is obese, so she has no room to talk, although she was exceptionally skinny even after having me (her fourth baby) - but that's because she practically starved herself.
It's been fine - no one has said anything or tried to touch me. I wonder if my addressing it the last time got the point across, and their reactions were more out of discomfort than dismissal. You know how some people laugh when they are uncomfortable?0 -
I was also wondering how that situation at work turned out.....
It can be awkward in certain settings to deal with the comments....for me, it's with family members and at church...because I don't want to be rude back....lol the suggestions some of you gave for dealing with people in public are so funny though (touching their belly).....
For example, someone in my family flat out asked me how much weight I have gained....I responded politely that it is personal information (I am a private person to begin with and this member of my family has made comments to me before about my body...for example one time when I was NOT pregnant I bought a new dress and she told me I needed granny support hose to make more room for my backside...despite the fact that my husband loved the dress, I did not wear it for another 5 months because this person made me feel so insecure)....also if we happen to go shopping together she will ask me 'are you sure that fits you?" EVERY time I am going to buy something....so I was not about to share that kind of information with her. She insisted on asking me again how much I'd gained and I replied again by saying that is a personal question, and explained that I would never ask her how much she weighs...so that put it in a different perspective! I hope I didn't sound rude, because it wasn't my intention, but I am not obligated to share that info!
I went to a baby shower for a friend that was hosted by people from her church (which some of my family goes to, so I go there occasionally, but I prefer to attend a different church)....this lady I barely know says to me, "Wow, look at you, you're coming on out there! I see you once a week and you're just bigger and bigger every time!" The funny thing was, I hadn't even been to their church in a month, as I go to a different church....
It seems that the comments just get more frequent as the pregnancy progresses!!! I would like to think that it won't continue afterwards!
I half wonder if there are people who feel the need to say *something* but don't know what to say and end up saying something totally inappropriate - like "I see you every week [which is not actually true] and you're getting bigger and bigger each week [can't possibly be true]."
As for that relative, I would never, ever share my weight with her, and I would say flat out upon receiving such comments that what she said is rude and hurtful. Some people don't necessarily know that they're insulting you and need to be hit in the head with a clue by four, though there are plenty who know and still love to do it. If she's the latter, I'd say you need to cut your time spent with her to as close to zero as possible!0
