Violent Tantrums

lovelyrose11
lovelyrose11 Posts: 609 Member
Hi Ladies - I know many of you only have newborns but I also know a lot of you have toddlers. I need some advice about a 20 month old.

My 20 month old son has started having tantrums. He is having speech therapy because he only says one word and we believe some of the tantrums are coming from frustration over not being able to communicate properly. However, last night/early morning he had a tantrum that downright scared me. He woke up suddenly at 3 am crying..we let him cry for a little while but after 30 minutes went by his cries turned into screams. We went in the room to console him and he just lost it. He started kicking, hitting, and throwing his toys all over the room (he was also hitting himself). To keep him from harming his sleeping baby brother we removed him from the room. He became more violent in the living room. My question is how do I handle these types of tantrums? Does anyone have experience with this??

Replies

  • kerrbear79
    kerrbear79 Posts: 229 Member
    Yes I have a similar situation. My 2 1/2 year old does something similar to this. She doesn't have the communication problem like your son but my daycare provider has mentioned before that she thinks some of it is her being frustrated about not being able to communicate sometimes. Actually we had an episode this morning that is a perfect example. My husband had to wake her up to get her ready for us to leave for the day (she goes to daycare). Most of the time when she has the tantrums its upon waking, either in the morning or from a nap. She is inconsolable. My husband asked her pediatrician if he did exorcisms bc the best way to describe it is that she seems possessed!!! Its as if she blacks out & doesn't even acknowledge anything around her. All she does is scream at the top of her lungs. She will lay on the floor and scream, kick, etc. NOTHING will bring her out of it. This morning she continued to scream almost all the way to daycare. Her poor little 4.5 month baby brother had to listen to it the whole time. The dr. said it sounded like night terrors but I don't think so if she is awake. But who knows. We don't know how to handle it besides just leaving the room and ignoring her. I'm afraid she'll hurt herself as well or possibly have a seizure or something from crying so hard for so long. It is scary!!
  • lovelyrose11
    lovelyrose11 Posts: 609 Member
    Thanks for sharing Kerrbear. It is very scary and frustrating to not be able to calm them down in any way. As an update he pulled this same thing again twice today. Finally, I got fed up with him hitting and kicking me and I put him in time out. I sat him on the couch, said "Do not hit mommy," and walked away. I expected to have to keep putting him back on the couch but he actually stayed there. He cried for another few minutes and I walked away (of course keeping an eye on him but not letting him know I was paying attention). This really seemed to help. Within a few minutes it was over. I am just hoping this wasn't a one time thing and that it will work going forward.
  • BlondAnnieOakley
    BlondAnnieOakley Posts: 28 Member
    Well, I'm probably not going to gain any friends over this but since you asked, I really feel like I need to shoot it straight because I really feel for you.
    It seems most parents don't feel they need to spank any more, but personally, I feel this is sometimes exactly what is needed. I have raised two boys (now in college) have a 22 month old now and have one on the way.. and I will say, spanking on the tush is sometimes what is truly needed. Absolutely NOT in a harmful way, and NOT anywhere other than the fatty bum cheeks.. and many experts say NOT to use your hand because it can be associated with you, so find yourself a little wooden spoon or paddle. DO NOT EVER spank out of anger. But honestly, children will ALWAYS test boundaries- that is pretty much their mission in life! They truly want to know if we love them enough to follow through and discipline them. Weather it's spanking or not, follow through and consistency is KEY. At the point that your toddler is THIS out of control, sounds to me like it's definitely time to consider spanking. Children now days do not learn that there are consequences to their actions.. Many literally run the house!
    I was raised being spanked- and pretty dawn gone hard sometimes too! But I am BEYOND thankful that my parents loved me enough to do it because it taught me that there are consequences to disobedience and they can hurt!

    Personally, we feel that doing this NOW while they are young will save A TON when they are older. This toddler age is when they learn the most about authority and consequences. A lot of child development experts say the first 2 years is crucial for this.
    Not every child is the same- some children all it takes is a glare from the parent and they are sorry and stop immediately! But as for our 22 month old, he has been an unusually stubborn and hard headed little guy, testing EVERY boundary possible.. Our other second born son (now 21) was REALLY soft hearted and it hardly took anything!
    So know your child, and know yourself to never ever spank out of anger. Be calm and love on them after, but also make sure it hurts enough to get their attention.. spanking through a diaper doesn't do squat.
    They need to know, when I do 'this', than 'this' happens and he will learn very quickly that tantrums and fits are NOT acceptable.
    Our 22 month old went through a tantrum stage- it lasted a very short time until he started trying it when we were in public places. He knew we wouldn't spank him in front of other people... UNTIL we would take him into the bathroom and spank his bottom there. It only took a few times for him to learn. I can honestly say, we are PROUD to say that our little guy is HAPPY and DOES NOT throw fits!! While most of his peers do..

    I'm sure there are a lot of opposite opinions, and thats fine.. just sharing what works for us and what we believe is right.. I really feel for you..
    Hope you find an answer that works for your little guy!
  • lovelyrose11
    lovelyrose11 Posts: 609 Member
    BlondAnnie - Thank you so much for responding! My hubby and I were both raised with spanking. Unfortunately, mine was done is a very abusive manner and quickly turned from a traditional spanking to a beating. However, my hubby's mom appropriately spanked him and my hubby says it was the ONLY discipline that worked for him and his brother. Given my experience I have been nervous about trying spanking. But, I am NOT against it being done when necessary. We tried time-out yesterday and that seemed to work. But, if that doesn't continue to work I told my hubby I don't know what else to do besides try to give him a spanking. I mean I can't just let him go on thinking it's ok to hit us!! I certainly don't want him going to daycare/school thinking that every time the teacher doesn't give him his way then he should hit.

    On a side note - even his therapist told me if he gets to out of hand to spank him. I was surprised to hear this coming from an "expert." But, she said some behaviors (only the serious ones) deserve a spanking! LOL
  • kerrbear79
    kerrbear79 Posts: 229 Member
    We spank our daughter, under other "normal" circumstances But these tantrums or epidsodes we're talking about, or at least I am, are different. She can not be consoled, reasoned with, talked to, or anything. She gets spanked (a good bit) bc she is a fiesty testy stubborn little thing. But when she is having one of these episodes(only upon waking) even spanking doesn't make her come out of it, it makes it worse. We also do time outs which we usually try first before spanking, but once again that would not work in these situations with my daughter. I worry she has some type of neurological problem going on but when we talked to her dr. about it he only suggested it sounded like night terrors. So we're still at a loss about it. Lovelyrose I can understand you being nervous about spanking considering your history. But like you said with your hubby if it is done correctly then it will be fine. The majority of people I know were spanked and we turned out just fine. =)
  • J3nnyV
    J3nnyV Posts: 114 Member
    You are not alone in having a 2 year old who has tantrums upon waking. My otherwise lovely, calm, peaceful toddler often wakes up very violently, especially if someone other than me gets him from his bed. It is heartbreaking, but challenging, especially now that we have a baby who is often affected by the noise and commotion.

    I have found his behaviours are often related to over stimulation. For this reason, I always approach him softly, keep the lights off or very low (now that he speaks he says the lights are bright - I didn't realize how much that could bother him before), and usually we don't leave the side of his bed until we have had a good snuggle and he is ready to face the world.

    I definitely give ourselves lots of time in the morning whenever we have to go somewhere because rushing only makes it worse.

    It sounds like you have a wonderful child. Just keep opening your heart to how badly he needs you to help him, especially when he can't exactly express it in words yet. It will get better!
  • acraw558
    acraw558 Posts: 23
    BlondAnnie - Thank you so much for responding! My hubby and I were both raised with spanking. Unfortunately, mine was done is a very abusive manner and quickly turned from a traditional spanking to a beating. However, my hubby's mom appropriately spanked him and my hubby says it was the ONLY discipline that worked for him and his brother. Given my experience I have been nervous about trying spanking. But, I am NOT against it being done when necessary. We tried time-out yesterday and that seemed to work. But, if that doesn't continue to work I told my hubby I don't know what else to do besides try to give him a spanking. I mean I can't just let him go on thinking it's ok to hit us!! I certainly don't want him going to daycare/school thinking that every time the teacher doesn't give him his way then he should hit.

    On a side note - even his therapist told me if he gets to out of hand to spank him. I was surprised to hear this coming from an "expert." But, she said some behaviors (only the serious ones) deserve a spanking! LOL

    My personal rule (or guideline) with spanking is that I can't do it when I'm angry. If I'm thinking calmly and I'm rational, and LO sincerely needs a tap on the bum for discipline, then it's ok. But if one doesn't have a cool head, then spanking becomes more of a way to make oneself feel better than to discipline the little one. my thoughts, anyway.

    also, have you tried teaching another way to communicate? sign language maybe? it took my son 10 months to learn his first sign, but after that it was easier and there were fewer tantrums.

    good luck! behavior issues are so frustrating.
  • CaliSteph
    CaliSteph Posts: 142 Member
    Hi -

    My 3 year old woke up upset once in a while as well, though, not as violent as yours, when he was 18 months - 2 years. Besides over stimulation - one thing I learned from doctor was that he could possibly be overheated. When I gave him a nice light blanket - it was magic. He no longer woke up in the middle of the night upset, sad, etc. Not sure this may solve your problem, but who knows?

    Hope it gets better soon!
  • lovelyrose11
    lovelyrose11 Posts: 609 Member
    Thank you ladies for all the advice and support..you guys are awesome! We haven't had another episode since then and time-out really seems to be working well. Also, we are in the process of teaching him sign language and it is getting better.
  • Schnuddelbuddel
    Schnuddelbuddel Posts: 402 Member
    Hang on in there, it'll get better.

    If you LO is screaming like that in the middle of the night though, don't think tantrum straight away - he might have been genuinely scared.

    I've 4 who've had their fair share of tantrums and a lot of the time, instead of freaking out about it, a big hug calms them down and then it's easier to communicate with them, even when they cannot talk yet. Frustration is definitely a big part of tantrums, but with a bit of patience, a lot of pointing and a few misunderstandings thrown in, it'll work.

    Mostly, ignore tantrums. Even if they hit you. Ignore it. You spanking = hitting is ok. That goes both ways. You do something he doesn't like - he's allowed to spank you back? Damn right he's allowed to.

    Just saying. :)

    I found ignoring the tantrums and staying extremely calm (which is ridiculously hard to do at times!) works. Then when he has calmed down somewhat, hug him.

    I've a 9 year old with extreme temper - she's already getting hormonal - and the ONLY thing that works is positive reinforcement. Positive, positive, positive. Same with my 4, 3 and 1 year olds.

    All kids have bad days, they are allowed to have them. That's not exclusive to adults. Adults have better control of their actions though and the old 'Monkey see, monkey do' is definitely true. So if you think the tantrum is getting out of hand, make sure he's safe and can't hurt himself and WALK AWAY. Scream into a pillow and then come back :)

    :)
  • chickybuns
    chickybuns Posts: 1,037 Member
    Have you tried sign language with him so he can communicate better? I would be pretty frustrated if I couldn't say what I wanted to. There are also picture books and things like that to help him until he can verbalize more. I work with special needs people (not saying it's the same) but many of them have communicatino deficits and function mentally as children. I have seen people turn around when offered a way to communicate.

    I also agree with ignoring, especially if you think they are just doing it for attention!
  • lovelyrose11
    lovelyrose11 Posts: 609 Member
    Have you tried sign language with him so he can communicate better? I would be pretty frustrated if I couldn't say what I wanted to. There are also picture books and things like that to help him until he can verbalize more. I work with special needs people (not saying it's the same) but many of them have communicatino deficits and function mentally as children. I have seen people turn around when offered a way to communicate.

    I also agree with ignoring, especially if you think they are just doing it for attention!

    Thanks for the advice. Yes, he is currently learning sign language and we use the "first-then" system with pictures. The sign language is starting to help but the pictures so far haven't. We have been doing both for around 2 months now. I am also taking a course called "More Than Words" that is geared with helping parents communicate more effectively with their children. I am doing all of this b/c my son is speech delayed. He is 20 months and only says one word.