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Wanting to contact the ex

veggiehottie
veggiehottie Posts: 590 Member
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I hate it when I reminisce about my most recent ex! And when I want to text him or Facebook him a quick "hello".

We won't be able to reconcile after the particularly bad breakup we had. He is dating someone new. I am much happier than I was toward the end of our relationship,

It has been 9 months since we broke up. So why the heck can't I get him outta my head!?!?

Blah. Just had to vent. Thought some of you would understand. :flowerforyou:

Replies

  • 2stepz
    2stepz Posts: 814 Member
    I'm rather the opposite at the moment... wish he would stop txting me and just let go. He's the one who lied and cheated, he's not sorry for it... so what the hell? Let me blame myself in peace, dude!
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    We all go thru this!! My assumption is you are probably remembering the good times and have fond memories.
    If you feel inclined to text him, and know you shouldn't/don't want too... I would remind yourself of why you broke up...why texting him won't do anything for you (he is dating, do you really want him back?), etc.

    This has helped me. I have had a problem in the past of texting exes (mainly while drinking) and reminding myself why we broke up, how he wasn't what I wanted, how someone better for me will be out there... has helped to stop doing it.

    Works well for me :).

    ETA: HAHAHAHA I totally read that wrong.. you said you were reminiscing, and I reply and tell you the same... sorry!
  • veggiehottie
    veggiehottie Posts: 590 Member
    We all go thru this!! My assumption is you are probably remembering the good times and have fond memories.
    If you feel inclined to text him, and know you shouldn't/don't want too... I would remind yourself of why you broke up...why texting him won't do anything for you (he is dating, do you really want him back?), etc.

    This has helped me. I have had a problem in the past of texting exes (mainly while drinking) and reminding myself why we broke up, how he wasn't what I wanted, how someone better for me will be out there... has helped to stop doing it.

    Works well for me :).

    ETA: HAHAHAHA I totally read that wrong.. you said you were reminiscing, and I reply and tell you the same... sorry!

    haha! no problem. :)

    Thanks for ze advice! I know it would do me no good whatsoever to contact him. And I am smart enough to not do it. (It was a really really bad breakup) but I still want to! Booo.

    I need to find a new man but that is just... not... happening. lol.
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    Been there, done that. It never helps me emotionally. Call a good friend instead!! :flowerforyou:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
    I'd just text him. Get it out there. Get it out my system.

    What's the worst that can happen? What's the point in depriving yourself ?? :flowerforyou:
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    I'd just text him. Get it out there. Get it out my system.

    What's the worst that can happen? What's the point in depriving yourself ?? :flowerforyou:

    Anna, for some it's a 'power' balance... If you are both quiet, then noone has power... the minute someone texts the other one they have given up their emotional power and are left wondering/waiting if that person will respond. Almost torturing themselves if you will.
    For me it's easier to just not do it, and keep my balance in check.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    I totally understand!!! I have a great boyfriend but a couple months ago I found myself constantly thinking about a guy who told our whole story right here in this forum (ugh how embarrassing).

    Honestly, I'm finding the best way to move on is to seriously just do that: move on like they don't exist. unfriend them and mutual friends or (if you can't) set up a new group of only your closest friends and click it when you log into fb so you don't see posts by your ex (or, in my case his daughter or our mutual friends).

    Each contacts renews the the fantasy of what could have been and the loneliness of what's not happening right now (with you not finding another man as soon as he found another woman). Some people recommend contacting them for closure but I think closure is overrated. Bad breakup + him moving on = closure enough. Contacting them only re-opens the wound. You need time for that thing to scab over and for the new skin to grow. Each time you want to reach out to him (I feel) is making it take longer, not shorter, for your mental "scab" to heal so you can truly move on.

    Wouldn't it stink if you met the man of your dreams but were too wrapped up in a woe is me, miss my ex mode to even notice him? Not saying you are, lol, but I've done this myself and had guys who were interested at one time become friends and later told me I was so hung up on so-and-so I didn't even notice they were interested.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
    I'd just text him. Get it out there. Get it out my system.

    What's the worst that can happen? What's the point in depriving yourself ?? :flowerforyou:

    Anna, for some it's a 'power' balance... If you are both quiet, then noone has power... the minute someone texts the other one they have given up their emotional power and are left wondering/waiting if that person will respond. Almost torturing themselves if you will.
    For me it's easier to just not do it, and keep my balance in check.

    I get what you're saying Kim, but for me, I'm the opposite when I want to do something. I lose my equilibrium! If I'm stressing on an unanswered question I'd rather make the contact, get the truthful response (or lack of) and get it out my system. You could call it a release of pent up energy if you like. Yes, I find it a release :bigsmile: (This is not just an ex thing, this has to do with friends, work, family etc. )

    It's so easy to over analyse a situation in my head. When that response comes back (even no reply will tell me what I need to know) I find it easier to get over the angst.

    I'm not into power struggles. I'd rather just have an honest answer to an honest question. Although sometimes there are things I dont want to hear, so I'm not completely sadistic.......lol
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
    Some people recommend contacting them for closure but I think closure is overrated. Bad breakup + him moving on = closure enough. Contacting them only re-opens the wound. You need time for that thing to scab over and for the new skin to grow. Each time you want to reach out to him (I feel) is making it take longer, not shorter, for your mental "scab" to heal so you can truly move on.

    I'd rather get some kind of closure than let it fester in my mind. I'm not saying that a reply or a word will bring closure, but it probably will get you closer to hearing and accepting the truth. People spend their whole life suppressing their thoughts and feelings about things, and you know what, that's when you end up in therapy because you have so many unresolved issues.

    Yes, some people are strong enough and determined enough to work through it themselves, depends on what is messing with your mind, but other's need help.

    It's like education, why teach yourself when you can be taught by someone that knows the answer? The latter process is just quicker and more efficient!
  • RosscoBoscko
    RosscoBoscko Posts: 632 Member
    Think it depends on the people involved. With my ex I am in very regular contact.

    When we first split there were various reasons given and then months later we had a reasonable talk about things and got to a good place, as friends nothing more expected from either side.

    For a number of reasons in last 2 weeks we have talked about things in even more depth and the real reason for the break up has come to light. Most people have told me many times that I should have cut off contact with this ex, but if I had done so we wouldn't have had these conversations and I wouldn't have had the resolutions I needed. it wasn't so much to do with letting go of relationship with her that i was still having an issue with, but more insecurities created or affirmed (at least to me) by split, that were stopping me from meeting anyone else.

    Contact with exes definitely doesn't work for a lot of people but with others it can turn into strong friendships, and in my case has ended up with me feeling mentally stronger than I have in at least 10 years, and with (hopefully) a life long friend.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    I'd just text him. Get it out there. Get it out my system.

    What's the worst that can happen? What's the point in depriving yourself ?? :flowerforyou:

    Anna, for some it's a 'power' balance... If you are both quiet, then noone has power... the minute someone texts the other one they have given up their emotional power and are left wondering/waiting if that person will respond. Almost torturing themselves if you will.
    For me it's easier to just not do it, and keep my balance in check.

    I'm with you...for me it would be a matter of pride, especially if he broke up with me (not sure what OPs thing is).

    I think people want to find a lesson in everything or figure out what they've done wrong, but sometimes you just let bygones to be bygones.

    OP, what do you want out of it? He has a new girlfriend and you're not really friends I take it, so I say put the phone down!
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    I'd just text him. Get it out there. Get it out my system.

    What's the worst that can happen? What's the point in depriving yourself ?? :flowerforyou:

    Anna, for some it's a 'power' balance... If you are both quiet, then noone has power... the minute someone texts the other one they have given up their emotional power and are left wondering/waiting if that person will respond. Almost torturing themselves if you will.
    For me it's easier to just not do it, and keep my balance in check.
    (This is not just an ex thing, this has to do with friends, work, family etc. )

    I agree with this Anna... with other areas in my life I am the same.. I have something building up inside and just want to let it out!! And I do, whether it be family, friends, work related, etc. I guess I just learned for me that with my ex's, sometimes it just better left alone :)
  • veggiehottie
    veggiehottie Posts: 590 Member
    I'd just text him. Get it out there. Get it out my system.

    What's the worst that can happen? What's the point in depriving yourself ?? :flowerforyou:

    Anna, for some it's a 'power' balance... If you are both quiet, then noone has power... the minute someone texts the other one they have given up their emotional power and are left wondering/waiting if that person will respond. Almost torturing themselves if you will.
    For me it's easier to just not do it, and keep my balance in check.

    I'm with you...for me it would be a matter of pride, especially if he broke up with me (not sure what OPs thing is).

    I think people want to find a lesson in everything or figure out what they've done wrong, but sometimes you just let bygones to be bygones.

    OP, what do you want out of it? He has a new girlfriend and you're not really friends I take it, so I say put the phone down!

    Well I guess I want NOTHING out of it. I don't want to be back together with him. I just miss being with him.

    I broke up with him. He had disappeared on me for a week, only keeping loose contact via text. And when I finally saw him, we got into a huge argument where he basically told me he could not stand my child. Or any child for that matter. Many mean things were said. WTF? If you don't like kids, why get involved with a single mom? (There is a really long back story to this... He was pretty immature on other issues too.)

    So yeah. Writing that out to you guys got my blood boiling over it again. So at least for right now, I do NOT want to contact him. lol.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member

    I'd rather get some kind of closure than let it fester in my mind. I'm not saying that a reply or a word will bring closure, but it probably will get you closer to hearing and accepting the truth. People spend their whole life suppressing their thoughts and feelings about things, and you know what, that's when you end up in therapy because you have so many unresolved issues.

    I'm glad that's true for you. I see more people wanting "closure" but then not accepting it. They press the guy to "just tell me if you're not interested" and when he finally does they waste a lot of emotion and brain power trying to prove his reasons are wrong "I'm sooooo perfect for you" or "if I could just do THIS instead of THAT we can be happy." Even if they don't really LIKE the guy (til he dumped her)

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