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chickybuns
Posts: 1,037 Member
Ok, so I just needed to get this off my chest and didn't want to tell anyone I know in real life. I'm not sure if my husband and I are going to work out. I think I have kind of thought that for a while, but now I think I am realizing it. I don't know how much I am in love with him anymore. Also, he is just so inconsiderate sometimes. We have recently had arguments about him going out, usually both nights of the weekends. He will usually leave after Miles is in bed 9 or so, but will stay out until 5 or 6. I know what he is doing and he is just hanging out with his friend doing car stuff...that's not the issue and I've told him that. But then of course sometimes he sleeps until 2-3 the next day, I just feel so lonely sometimes. It doens't help I don't have a lot of friends to hang out with either, just family. I tell him this bothers me and he just says he needs to do it, which I understand that, but he doesn't take into account how it makes me feel, and that is his main time to see his child since he works late through the week. He is helpful when he needs to, like he will watch Miles when I work on Fridays when he is off. But he often complains when I go get my hair done or want to go for a run...he always does it, just makes a deal about it. This weekend he has been working on his car the entire weekend. Today he got up at noon, left by 1 and still isn't back. After saying he would be home so I could go to the store and we would hang out tonight. I don't care about every once in a while, or even one night a week. I am most worried about the impact it will have on our son. I think yesterday made me realize more that I want something different. I went to a friend's for a cookout and everyone there was couple with kids...but just me and my kid. I don't expect him to change, I know who he is, and I do care about him. I'm just not sure how that will affect mine and Mile's lives now. I do enjoy the car stuff but it bugs me how much money he spends on his car. We do have separate accounts and it never bothered me, but eventually I want to move out in the country and get a bigger house, so now it does have an impact on me. He is very far in debt from his car, I don't want to know how much. We are just both so stubborn. I once told him I think we should go to counseling since we both think we are "right" I guess. He said I need to go because I'm the one with problems. I don't know, just wanted to share, thanks for listening.
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Wow, I'm so sorry!! I bet that's a tough position to be in and I'm sure I'd feel lonely too! IMO, it seems like he bit off more than he can chew when it comes to having a baby. You said he will watch Miles for you to do things but makes a big deal? But when he stays out all night and sleeps all day you're supposed to be okay with that? The weekends should be time for him to spend with family rather than sleep half the day! And when Miles goes to bed that should be yours and his time together, even if its just for a little while!
I'm sorry but he really seems selfish :-/ I hope for Miles sake he changes his ways. Hang in there girl! We're here for you :flowerforyou:0 -
I don't really have a lot to say either. Sounds like he's not making the greatest of decisions, and I COMPLETELY understand how you would be upset.
I would just urge you to not give up...do everything you can. Maybe you'll have to lay it all out to him- just how desperate of a situation it is in your opinion. That you seriously want to do counseling...tell him everything. The only reason I say this, is because the best option for lil' Miles is to have his family together. So if you can make it work, try your hardest. But if hubby refuses counseling/won't change, then I understand- you have to do what's best for you and babe.
Hang in there! I'll be prayin' for ya...0 -
I don't really have a lot to say either. Sounds like he's not making the greatest of decisions, and I COMPLETELY understand how you would be upset.
I would just urge you to not give up...do everything you can. Maybe you'll have to lay it all out to him- just how desperate of a situation it is in your opinion. That you seriously want to do counseling...tell him everything. The only reason I say this, is because the best option for lil' Miles is to have his family together. So if you can make it work, try your hardest. But if hubby refuses counseling/won't change, then I understand- you have to do what's best for you and babe.
Hang in there! I'll be prayin' for ya...
I agree with this post. I would try counseling or anything and everything before you gave up. Just remember that being apart won't solve all the issues either. You will still have to deal with him. For Miles sake try hard. But, I know that there are some situations that can't be resolved. Like the person before I will be praying for you and your family. Hang in there mama - I know how hard being a good mother and wife can be. I takes a lot of hard work and devotion.0 -
Thank you ladies. I think that thing that bothers me the most is what he says and what he does doensn't always coincide. Like earlier today he said it would be no big deal to watch Miles so I could go to the store, well it's almost 9 and he's not home. He also said before he thought it was unacceptable to be out that late multiple nights, but he keeps doing it and keeps saying he will be home earlier. I think I could almost deal with it if he would just say "I don't know or I'll let you know" rather than commit to it, because I just feel so let down. I've also had a stressful week and he's been too busy with his car to think about it. He didn't even think the whole thing about my boss was a big deal and realize how much it's bothering me and the extra responsibility I have now! Thank you again, I'm glad I have you guys
And I don't want to give up, I want it to work out, he's just so impossible sometimes, so I just tend to "shut down" and I know that's something I need to work on, sometimes I just don't want to get into it! 0 -
Oh Chicky....that sucks so bad
I'm sorry that you are going through that. My SO disappears a couple times a week too however not to that extent. Friday nights he will stay out till about 3 am usually at the neighbour s house playing darts and drinking. I have expressed to him so many times that I feel lonely because he works all day then in the evenings he works from home. I also don't have any friends that live near me. I don't even have family near me because we moved a hour away. So I do know how you feel.
I've told my SO over and over again how I was feeling. Things are getting better. He explained to me that he needs time away from the house because everytime he is home he feels like he has to work on something whether it s his side jobs or renovations or fixing something. Maybe this is the case with you hubby? I dunno.
Are his friends single? Do they have kids? I worry about your finances also. I hope that you guys could start communicating about it soon because it could get really really bad. After I moved in with my SO he told me how much debt he really had. I was blown away and wished he had communicated it to me earlier. Together we came up with a plan and worked it out. I now handle the finances and although we have separate accounts I see everything..
Keep venting to us when you need to!!! I hope things get better. Its hard for sure.0 -
I went through something similar with my hubby after our first was born. In the beginning I think he was just freaked out about having a new baby, but its been almost 10 years and we are still together. The best advice I can give is in my opinion for a relationship/marriage to work both people need to be able to compromise if one isn't willing then its not going to work. You both need a break every once in awhile to go out and have some fun, but multiple nights in a week is ridiculous. You have to talk to him and if that doesn't work then counseling may help but only if you both want to work on whats wrong. I would exhaust all your options before making a drastic choice like leaving. If what you want in life and what he wants aren't the same anymore than that may be the best choice again I am a firm believer that its better for a child to be raised in a single parent home than to be a witness to a bad relationship or where they feel ignored by a parent. Eventually Miles will understand and will know when something is wrong or when daddy isn't around so now is the time to try to change it. Like everyone says a baby changes everything no one really knows how much till it happens. Good luck I really hope it works out for you if you want to know anything specific about what we did or how we came to our compromise I will be happy to let you know.0
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds a lot like what my husband has done/is still sometimes doing. He will go out to the bar almost every night, especially when he works. He manages a bar at a local resort and justifies it by saying Devon and I are usually in bed when he gets done with work anyways. It is so frustrating! Whenever I've said anything, he will stay out until 2-3am instead of 12-1am. So, I don't often say anything. Two weeks ago, one of his best friends said they aren't friends anymore until my husband can figure out his priorities because his friend thinks it is stupid to not see his baby very much. Even uninvited my husband from his wedding in June; doesn't want him as a groomsman anymore because of his behavior.
I think we should definitely try anything and everything. Having a baby is soooo hard on a relationship, but so worth it! I have no words of wisdom, but I'm sending love your way!0 -
First, let me say that I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. It is incredibly isolating because you can't confide in the people who are close to you in real life. This is hard enough on its own, but when you add in a baby, it makes it all the more stressful.
Second, I agree with a lot of what's been said. You say you've told him that you'd like to go to counseling, but he doesn't seem to want to admit (1) that there is something wrong (from his perspective, there isn't) and (2) that he might contribute to making your life better. That in and of itself is telling. What I would do is lay it all out on the line for him. If that means that you have to say, point-blank, "We need to go to counseling, or I am ready to leave with Miles," then so be it. I know that sounds awfully harsh, and while I'd normally suggest that you take a more subtle approach, it sounds like you've already done that. Hopefully the reality of the situation will sink in, and he will agree to work on it with you and actually follow through.
That said, I do hope you can work it out. I am a family law attorney, and I see on a daily basis how difficult things can be when couples with children split. That's not to say that it can't ever work out for the best - I do have clients who are quite civil with their ex and truly willing to work together to be the best parents to their kids - but by and large, I am convinced that, unless there's really no saving the marriage, it's worth it to try to work it out. If you can't, at least you can say that you tried.
Now, with all of that said - I am going to assume none of this is going on, since you didn't mention it (in which case ignore this paragraph) - if there is ANY abuse of ANY kind, be it mental/emotional, physical, or sexual, if there are any issues with drugs, alcohol, and/or criminal activity, or if you discover he's stealing from you to fund his hobbies and outings despite the fact that you have a child to care for, then please get out as soon as possible. People like that rarely change, and it's not worth risking everything you are and everything you have waiting for change to happen.
I'm not saying that I suspect any of the above is happening to you, but one thing I have learned is that it is shocking how many seemingly "normal" people are abusive and/or involved in drugs/criminal activity, so I just wanted to put it out there.
I wish you all the best, though, and please do continue to vent here if you need to!0 -
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds a lot like what my husband has done/is still sometimes doing. He will go out to the bar almost every night, especially when he works. He manages a bar at a local resort and justifies it by saying Devon and I are usually in bed when he gets done with work anyways. It is so frustrating! Whenever I've said anything, he will stay out until 2-3am instead of 12-1am. So, I don't often say anything. Two weeks ago, one of his best friends said they aren't friends anymore until my husband can figure out his priorities because his friend thinks it is stupid to not see his baby very much. Even uninvited my husband from his wedding in June; doesn't want him as a groomsman anymore because of his behavior.
I think we should definitely try anything and everything. Having a baby is soooo hard on a relationship, but so worth it! I have no words of wisdom, but I'm sending love your way!
Kudos to his (ex-)friend for putting his neck out there! Wow, what a great person to give him a figurative smack in the back of the head like that 0 -
So sorry! The ladies have already given you great advice and I agree with them. *hugs* to you during this time and feel free to vent! :flowerforyou:0
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Oh Chicky....that sucks so bad I'm sorry that you are going through that. My SO disappears a couple times a week too however not to that extent. Friday nights he will stay out till about 3 am usually at the neighbour s house playing darts and drinking. I have expressed to him so many times that I feel lonely because he works all day then in the evenings he works from home. I also don't have any friends that live near me. I don't even have family near me because we moved a hour away. So I do know how you feel.
I've told my SO over and over again how I was feeling. Things are getting better. He explained to me that he needs time away from the house because everytime he is home he feels like he has to work on something whether it s his side jobs or renovations or fixing something. Maybe this is the case with you hubby? I dunno.
Are his friends single? Do they have kids? I worry about your finances also. I hope that you guys could start communicating about it soon because it could get really really bad. After I moved in with my SO he told me how much debt he really had. I was blown away and wished he had communicated it to me earlier. Together we came up with a plan and worked it out. I now handle the finances and although we have separate accounts I see everything..
Keep venting to us when you need to!!! I hope things get better. Its hard for sure.
Most of his main friends are single without kids, so that doens't help. We don't really have any close couple friends with or without kids. I think if that was the case it would be much easier because Miles and I would be more included. I'm sorry you ladies are also going through some of this. He just justifies everything, like at least I'm not going to the bar or the strip club. I wouldn't even mind if he did that...in moderation. He has no moderation....that's what drives me crazy. He doesn't really have a list of things he wants to do around the house, so I don't think that's the problem. Also, we have always been kind of independent in our relationship, so maybe he doesn't understand that has to change some since we now have a baby. Like I said, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, we will see if the behavior continues. I know last weekend was a little out of the norm, he's not usually gone all day like he was. He told me yesterday he is tired of me being so angry all the time...but he doesn't realize he's the main reason I'm that way. I have also been extra stressed with work lately and he doesn't even bother to help more!! thank you ladies again, so glad I have you to keep me more sane 0
