Complicated motivation
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Jabbywock
Posts: 7
So I've been trying to lose weight for about a year now but with very little success. Mostly due to stress, work and my inability to successfully manage my eating. I keep finding myself trapped in a cycle of forgetting to eat for almost an entire day, ending up feeling moody and tired due to the lack of energy and then try to make up for it by a high calorie the next day.
I also am having issues dealing with someone I care for which is more of why I'm posting here than instead in motivation. I have had a relatively open and mutual crush with a friend of mine. She's asexual but still lives with her family who do not understand or support her sexuality. They openly state that she is just 'giving up' on trying to get a boyfriend and that's all it really is.
I really care a lot about her to the point of asking her over here but she's concerned that with the way I have been emotionally (with the food problems and stress) that it would not be good for her to try and move to my area. (she lives overseas at the moment but it trying to move) However, her family are pushing her into getting a boyfriend and introducing her to guys to force her to 'get a guy.' That seems like the 'easier' route for her.
I guess this all ties in to a giant web of stress which isn't helping my weight loss and overall stress situation. I agree with her I can't be here for her as I am, but I feel so trapped. I'm just looking for any advice or suggestions. Maybe even friends for moral support and such. I'm not very good at being social on this site I will admit.
This may be a mess but i just wanted to put it out there.
I also am having issues dealing with someone I care for which is more of why I'm posting here than instead in motivation. I have had a relatively open and mutual crush with a friend of mine. She's asexual but still lives with her family who do not understand or support her sexuality. They openly state that she is just 'giving up' on trying to get a boyfriend and that's all it really is.
I really care a lot about her to the point of asking her over here but she's concerned that with the way I have been emotionally (with the food problems and stress) that it would not be good for her to try and move to my area. (she lives overseas at the moment but it trying to move) However, her family are pushing her into getting a boyfriend and introducing her to guys to force her to 'get a guy.' That seems like the 'easier' route for her.
I guess this all ties in to a giant web of stress which isn't helping my weight loss and overall stress situation. I agree with her I can't be here for her as I am, but I feel so trapped. I'm just looking for any advice or suggestions. Maybe even friends for moral support and such. I'm not very good at being social on this site I will admit.
This may be a mess but i just wanted to put it out there.
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Replies
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Yep...you really "put it out there"...on the Internet. My suggestion is that you focus on YOU.Get your health in order first. Even your friend does not see you as reliable because of the way you are handling YOUR "business"! She is "asexual" right now but not blind...she is not going to depend on anyone, ESPECIALLY when she is what 3K miles from "home", who is not DEPENDABLE.
Look, "asexuality" only usually lasts a "minute", it is a break from sex and men and women and the pressure/stress of relationships, and all the mess and confusion they can bring. Now, here you come putting pressure on her to move from home, 3K miles away with NO resources....WOW!!! Just let her figure out who she is and what she wants; and in the mean time, get your act together. After all, she isn't going any place, even if she gets a boy-friend does not mean that she has made a decision on her orientation. But for sure an overweight, stressed out, brooding, woman is not an attractive alternative.
Just a note: All the women I have encountered like to know that they are on "solid ground" meaning that they do not want a shaky/unreliable partner or prospective partner.0 -
I think there was some misunderstanding in the post. She's being forced to move with no resources all together due to her family. I've been working with her to develop skill sets to get her a job but she merely lacks an education to pursue her interests and there are job and school opportunities in my area (thus why the suggestion even came up). I really don't know where the assumption of no resources or not being dependable came from. If it's in response to my eating habits, they are because I end up working so much and lose track of when i 'should' eat.
I was merely trying to see if anyone had any advice that had been in a similar situation before. As I said in my post, I agree with her that I am not in a situation that I can support her but having her forced to 'get a boyfriend' because of her parents not understanding her makes me wish I could help more.
From the tone of your post, I'm assuming this was not acceptable to post here. I apologize for the misunderstanding.0 -
I would suggest trying to put yourself on an eating schedule. Set reminders on your phone to go off throughout the day to poke you into eating. Or get a few friends to just pop in and remind you to do it. I was terrible about eating regularly until my girlfriend and a few friends started reminding me to actually do it. Now I've got myself in a routine of eating at normal times.
As for your friend, as much as I hate to say it worrying over things won't help them. Her concerns are valid. I would say if you really want her to move to your area, get yourself in order and use it as your motivation. (Plus having her look into job and education prospects in advance, such as applying for jobs, schools, scholarships, etc., would be helpful.)
Also the comment about asexuality generally lasting "only a minute" really bothers me.
I'm going to be polite as I can about this, but it's really disrespectful. If someone identifies as it, why question it? To me it comes off as if you're saying their sexual orientation is only a phase, which is laughable considering what group this is... 0 -
I think there was some misunderstanding in the post. She's being forced to move with no resources all together due to her family. I've been working with her to develop skill sets to get her a job but she merely lacks an education to pursue her interests and there are job and school opportunities in my area (thus why the suggestion even came up). I really don't know where the assumption of no resources or not being dependable came from. If it's in response to my eating habits, they are because I end up working so much and lose track of when i 'should' eat.
I was merely trying to see if anyone had any advice that had been in a similar situation before. As I said in my post, I agree with her that I am not in a situation that I can support her but having her forced to 'get a boyfriend' because of her parents not understanding her makes me wish I could help more.
From the tone of your post, I'm assuming this was not acceptable to post here. I apologize for the misunderstanding.
OK...this is NOT a point of contention. I read with understanding VERY WELL...You should re-read your Original Post, that IS what I was responding to. YOU said what you said, and all of this later explanation was NOT in the original post. I will say, BEFORE you put something out here make sure it is CLEAR, and don't get upset with someone if they do not say what you want to hear, especially based on what you wrote.0 -
I would suggest trying to put yourself on an eating schedule. Set reminders on your phone to go off throughout the day to poke you into eating. Or get a few friends to just pop in and remind you to do it. I was terrible about eating regularly until my girlfriend and a few friends started reminding me to actually do it. Now I've got myself in a routine of eating at normal times.
As for your friend, as much as I hate to say it worrying over things won't help them. Her concerns are valid. I would say if you really want her to move to your area, get yourself in order and use it as your motivation. (Plus having her look into job and education prospects in advance, such as applying for jobs, schools, scholarships, etc., would be helpful.)
Also the comment about asexuality generally lasting "only a minute" really bothers me. I'm going to be polite as I can about this, but it's really disrespectful. If someone identifies as it, why question it? To me it comes off as if you're saying their sexual orientation is only a phase, which is laughable considering what group this is...
Hey, this is MY experience with asexuality. Further, let's be real, I'm somewhat compassionate and empathetic person, I am also a Lesbian. JUST because I am a homosexual does NOT mean that I or anyone else understands the bases and aspects of anyone else's orientation. I do NOT have a clue what it is or feels like to be Bi-Sexual, Asexual, Trans-Sexual, Trans-Gender, Queer or whatever. For some reason ALL of NON Heterosexuals have been LUMPED together like we all are the same.
So UNLESS you can give Me some Statistics that say Asexuality is an Orientation and NOT a Choice...shut-up and go get Educated!!! And if you do not know the difference between an Orientation and a Choice, that is a good place to start. And don't give Me some quick Wikipedia research. I am always open to learn, are you?0 -
Moderator of this forum checking in...
EDesq: Please watch your tone. Attacking other members is against forum rules and not welcome in this group.
Jabbywock: Thumbs up to what Veslus said. The idea of alarms or other reminders to get yourself on a regular eating schedule is good. Definitely work on your goals and keep trying until you find what works for keeping yourself on track. The most successful way to lose weight and get fit is to keep trying.
As for your friend, be as supportive as you can, but worrying about events that are out of your control won't help either of you. Be a friend, offer the encouragement for her to get job skills and an education so she can be more independent. When your friend is more independent, she'll have an easier time ignoring the pressure from her family. Either way, no matter how many guys her parents introduce her to, etc, she should keep saying "no". I do assume she lives in a country where there's no fear of being forced into a marriage. She just needs to stay strong and say no to her folks until she gets herself more independent.0 -
Moderator of this forum checking in...
EDesq: Please watch your tone. Attacking other members is against forum rules and not welcome in this group.
Jabbywock: Thumbs up to what Veslus said. The idea of alarms or other reminders to get yourself on a regular eating schedule is good. Definitely work on your goals and keep trying until you find what works for keeping yourself on track. The most successful way to lose weight and get fit is to keep trying.
As for your friend, be as supportive as you can, but worrying about events that are out of your control won't help either of you. Be a friend, offer the encouragement for her to get job skills and an education so she can be more independent. When your friend is more independent, she'll have an easier time ignoring the pressure from her family. Either way, no matter how many guys her parents introduce her to, etc, she should keep saying "no". I do assume she lives in a country where there's no fear of being forced into a marriage. She just needs to stay strong and say no to her folks until she gets herself more independent.
OK, are you a REAL Moderator or someone playing GOD. YOU AMEN what YOU feel is GOOD advice and put down what YOU say is "Bad." SO, are you saying that someone who is Gay/Lesbian...does NOT have the ability to hear the Opinion of someone else that may be different than theirs or yours? I'm a Lesbian and I am offended by your tone and judgmental nature.0 -
Moderator of this forum checking in...
EDesq: Please watch your tone. Attacking other members is against forum rules and not welcome in this group.
Jabbywock: Thumbs up to what Veslus said. The idea of alarms or other reminders to get yourself on a regular eating schedule is good. Definitely work on your goals and keep trying until you find what works for keeping yourself on track. The most successful way to lose weight and get fit is to keep trying.
As for your friend, be as supportive as you can, but worrying about events that are out of your control won't help either of you. Be a friend, offer the encouragement for her to get job skills and an education so she can be more independent. When your friend is more independent, she'll have an easier time ignoring the pressure from her family. Either way, no matter how many guys her parents introduce her to, etc, she should keep saying "no". I do assume she lives in a country where there's no fear of being forced into a marriage. She just needs to stay strong and say no to her folks until she gets herself more independent.
OK, are you a REAL Moderator or someone playing GOD. YOU AMEN what YOU feel is GOOD advice and put down what YOU say is "Bad." SO, are you saying that someone who is Gay/Lesbian...does NOT have the ability to hear the Opinion of someone else that may be different than theirs or yours? I'm a Lesbian and I am offended by your tone and judgmental nature.
I am the moderator of this group and was asked to look at your posts in this topic. Your opinion on what the OP should do in her situation is not what I am moderating here. Feel free to express your opinion on anything in this group. I'm not asking you to change your opinion.
Whether intentional or not, your posts in this topic come across in an attacking manner. I am stating you need to address it. A good example is your response to me. Look at your use of capitalization and calling me judgmental/playing GOD. That type of response comes across as attacking an individual instead of discussing the topic at hand. Attacks are against general MFP forum rules and are also discouraged in this group. This group is for all to feel welcome in the LGBT+ community and posts that attack the OP should be avoided.
Again, your opinion is welcome. Please watch how you present it.0 -
Is it appropriate for a Moderator to openly comment on a Post and act as "THE" bottom line in terms of expression and ideas? This is the FIRST time I have seen this on MFP, or is this type of action specifically for THIS Forum. Normally, Moderators just give someone a private warning Noting the "offensive" parts of a post or removing the "offending" post. But I have not written anything offensive, I have just used caps to be expressive. Some people write in all caps all the time.
But ok, got it...Gay/Lesbians...are, at least in here are not to be expressive, have personality, color, be different OR take on serious matters with diverse and/or controversial opinions. Monolithic is the goal here. But if I go on the Main Board or any other Boards I can be expressive, give advice that everybody may not agree with, be expressive...in other words, there is more freedom with hetros, they have the where-with-all to balance varying points of views with all types of expression. Ok, back to the other Boards, because I do not want to add any spice to this salt and white pepper area. When I first came over here I wondered why "movement" and activity was so slow or still. This Board should be super active and "poppin". But I Gotcha.
Be Well0 -
Is it appropriate for a Moderator to openly comment on a Post and act as "THE" bottom line in terms of expression and ideas? This is the FIRST time I have seen this on MFP, or is this type of action specifically for THIS Forum. Normally, Moderators just give someone a private warning Noting the "offensive" parts of a post or removing the "offending" post. But I have not written anything offensive, I have just used caps to be expressive. Some people write in all caps all the time.
But ok, got it...Gay/Lesbians...are, at least in here are not to be expressive, have personality, color, be different OR take on serious matters with diverse and/or controversial opinions. Monolithic is the goal here. But if I go on the Main Board or any other Boards I can be expressive, give advice that everybody may not agree with, be expressive...in other words, there is more freedom with hetros, they have the where-with-all to balance varying points of views with all types of expression. Ok, back to the other Boards, because I do not want to add any spice to this salt and white pepper area. When I first came over here I wondered why "movement" and activity was so slow or still. This Board should be super active and "poppin". But I Gotcha.
Be Well
You continue to miss my point. If you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to PM me.0 -
OP, I feel your struggle. Since you do have a crush on this girl, I think you are 100% right that you need to get your life in order before introducing more challenges. Whether that be her not sharing your affections or trying to start a new relationship with someone who is also struggling. If she's reluctant to move to your area, don't try to force it. Fate has a way of working things out for everyone involved.
You will find a lot of support for your weight loss and healthy lifestyle journey here. We all fall off the wagon (some of us more than others), but it helps to have these people to pick us up, encourage us or help us work through our struggles.
I think planning, planning, planning is going to be the key for you. Plan several small, easy to pack, store and eat, meals/items such as granola bars, fruit, cheese, etc., and set your phone to remind you to eat several times a day. Cook larger meals and then store single serving portions for a quick after work meal and be sure to TRACK everything. It really does help keep you on track.
Good luck and I wish you the best.
Lib0 -
Is it appropriate for a Moderator to openly comment on a Post and act as "THE" bottom line in terms of expression and ideas? This is the FIRST time I have seen this on MFP, or is this type of action specifically for THIS Forum. Normally, Moderators just give someone a private warning Noting the "offensive" parts of a post or removing the "offending" post. But I have not written anything offensive, I have just used caps to be expressive. Some people write in all caps all the time.
But ok, got it...Gay/Lesbians...are, at least in here are not to be expressive, have personality, color, be different OR take on serious matters with diverse and/or controversial opinions. Monolithic is the goal here. But if I go on the Main Board or any other Boards I can be expressive, give advice that everybody may not agree with, be expressive...in other words, there is more freedom with hetros, they have the where-with-all to balance varying points of views with all types of expression. Ok, back to the other Boards, because I do not want to add any spice to this salt and white pepper area. When I first came over here I wondered why "movement" and activity was so slow or still. This Board should be super active and "poppin". But I Gotcha.
Be Well
OP - I wouldn't take much notice of this person. Very aggressive with no understanding of Asexuals.
I think you should work on yourself first. You will be more use to your friend that way.0
