So here's my rant for the day....

Options
mjoslin1990
mjoslin1990 Posts: 142 Member
I'll try to make this as short as possible. Basically for a CRAP ton of reasons my in laws (SIL included) are NOT nice people.
So hubs and I find out we're pregnant with out second baby (on Valentines day) we're ECSTATIC.
We can't/don't share the news with the in laws. (Back story, mil/fil wouldn't have anything nice to say and SIL has <unfortunately> had 2 miscarriages, so we were trying to be sensitive to her)
We FINALLY tell the MIL at about 6wks (we found out at like 4wks)

I was careful with Ps and Qs around SIL bc I knew she would be a little upset. (granted she told me OVER 9 months ago that her and the hubby had quit trying, which is why hubby and I started trying)

So anyways fast forward, SIL comes over sometime when I'm about 9wks along and says to our 2yr old "Emery you are going to get a new sibling and a cousin this year! We decided to adopt a little baby" GREAT FOR THEM!!!

Now at 11 weeks I get a text at 11 pm asking who my OB/GYN is, not thinking I gave her the name.
Next morning I hear from my husband that his sister is PREGNANT!
Then 2 days later she sent me not 1, not 2, but 3 pregnancy test pictures.
I wasn't MAD per-say, but a little upset.
Then she's going around telling everyone she thinks shes 7wks along (here I'm JUST 11wks) and that her and hubby have "been trying"
I'm very upset then

Next she keeps bothering me about what prenatal I'm taking and what it taste like and is it flavored la de da da....
Then she says "oh I'm already showing like a lot and I've got all the classic book symptoms blah blah'
So I ask her, how far along are you?
4 weeks 1 day!
4 effing weeks!
she apparently went to the doctor and found out her time was off.
She came over yesterday, and asked me something about my doctor which made me question her.
SHES GOING TO MYYYYYYY doctor.
Out of ALL the ones to go to, why mine??? <and no mine is not the "best of the best" but I love them there so I went back for this baby>
I'm not MAD really AT her, I'm mad at the way she is handling all this.
Yes this is her first, but this was MY thunder.
She said they weren't trying why start AFTER you KNOW I'm pregnant? At least wait a little bit longer.

The icing on the cake seems to be that she knows that EVERYONE in the family wants this baby to be a girl and instead of her keeping her mouth hushed or whatever she takes EVERY SINGLE opportunity she can and text, call, and facebook bombs me saying I'm having a boy.

I'm so over this already :(:(


I'm slowing getting over it, but do you think I'm crazy? or do I have basis here?

Replies

  • jessicaw79
    jessicaw79 Posts: 26 Member
    Options
    Pregnancy hormones can make us all feel like the world is out to get us sometimes, I totally get that, but I do think there are other ways to look at it....

    If she's been trying for that long and had two miscarriages I don't think she was doing anything to 'steal your thunder'. Pregnancy is about having a family and I doubt anyone would chose this as a time for competition. Is there a reason you don't want to be pregnant at the same time as her? Do you feel like this will take you out of the center of attention?

    Anyone who has suffered fertility issues or a loss knows how painful they are, it probably hurt her way more than you'll ever know to hear that you were pregnant. And you don't know, she may have told you she stopped trying but never did...I know at one point we told people we stopped trying because we were tired of them asking how it was going, it was so hard to tell them every month that it didn't happen.

    She probably chose your doctor because you trust him and that's good enough for her, same with the vitamins.

    I understand that in laws and family in general can be infuriating, but don't take this as a personal attack against you. Be happy that you have someone to share the experience with and that your kiddo will have a playmate so close already! As for the comments about the boys, yeah, those are a total pain. I have people telling me that all the time because they think I want a girl. I'd be thrilled with either one, after 7 years I don't care what it is!!

    I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings at all by the way, I can understand where you are coming from, just trying to give you a different viewpoint! :flowerforyou:
  • miasmommy21407
    miasmommy21407 Posts: 17 Member
    Options
    Eh...I don't know...I guess I got over "MY thunder" when my sister repeatedly got pregnant when she didn't want to be. I only got to be pregnant once, by myself. I just worry about my baby, my family and the things I can control.

    Out of 30-40 OBGYNs in our town TWO have delivered all 12 babies that we'll have in our family by the end of August. We like our OB's, we feel comfortable with them, and so when someone else in the family gets pregnant it's not a surprise when they go to one of the two we use. It's not like the doctor shares information or something. I don't see the big deal.

    I think she's probably just scared and very excited. As someone who's had a loss and then had her body fight like hell to try to miscarry all of her other babies, I can understand how she must feel.

    Try to let it roll off of your shoulders. :-/ Hang in there.
  • AsellusReborn
    AsellusReborn Posts: 1,112 Member
    Options
    I...kind of feel like your sil is probably looking to you as the expert. She's probably scared and excited - with a loss history her risk f loss ths time is higher and that's scary. Trying for children and doubting your body is very, very painful. I don't think she's trying to steal your thunder....she's probably scared out of her mind. I would be. Try not to take it personally.
  • courtneydeewalk
    Options
    I think it is hard to see the whole story here, because we don't know your SIL personally. This may be one of her personality traits that you don't like. That being said....

    Just because she said they stopped trying, doesn't mean they did! I had a miscarriage in Sept of 2011, and we started trying as soon as we got the okay from the doctor... months go by and we don't get pregnant, EVERYONE was asking when we would try again... and eventually, we just told people we weren't trying anymore. In reality, we tried for over a year before we got pregnant.

    As far as OBs go... I can understand going to someone that is trusted by a family member. I am sure she is scared... 2 miscarriages, she is probably looking for support. Being pregnant isn't about being the center of attention or being in the lime light.

    I wouldn't take it to heart, I hope you both have a happy, healthy pregnancy.
  • mjoslin1990
    mjoslin1990 Posts: 142 Member
    Options
    I appreciate all the support and the commenting, I guess if you guys knew her you would have a different opinion. My in laws (as a whole) are not nice people.

    It's not so much "stealing my thunder" I'm worried about.

    Last night MiMi (one of the grandmothers who is as sweet as can be) asked me how my pregnancy was going. IMMEDIATELY my FIL jumped in interrupting me and started going on about his daughters pregnancy.

    Not once has my in laws asked how I'm doing or baby is doing. It is ALL about their daughter. I don't need people to swoon over me, but a polite "how are ya" every once in a while would be appreciated.

    This pregnancy (and my last) were not that easy for me, I'm high risk and have a lot of up hill battles to overcome.


    All in all I'm "over it" I guess just irritated slightly that this is the set of IL I was dealt with.
  • luzmidd
    luzmidd Posts: 154 Member
    Options
    I just had to read the word in laws to know how you feel... Well, sort of. I have none of the drama with a SIL but I do have sympathy with your situation and I would also be a bit annoyed.

    I'm sure you are very happy for them as well and not trying to be indifferent to how much they wanted this etc. but I understand how you feel, this is a huge thing for you and your husband as well, so they should be showing interest in you as well!

    I'm basically just the grandchild maker in the eyes of my in laws, I don't think they've asked once how I'm doing, only ever how the baby is doing. (First grandchild on both families' side, my folks are awesome, his... not so much!) Everytime I mention that I will have a c section, my in laws start talking about how easy MIL was with her births etc, well good on her, im different, my situation is different, so get over it! And everytime we start talking about my husband, they jump in with how awesome his brother is. So I understand a tiny bit about your situation.

    All the best, and I hope this pregnancy goes well for you, just surround yourself with people who DO care and help and uplift, and forget about the rest!
  • AsellusReborn
    AsellusReborn Posts: 1,112 Member
    Options
    I agree with Luzmid and I really do hear you on the inlaws. I guess just...coming from an infertility background my heart hurts from her and hearing about her losses and understand the hope that a new pregnancy brings along with the terror that you just can't talk about. I am not 15 1/2 weeks but until my NT scan spent most of my time secretly terrified of losing the baby.

    That doesn't absolve your fil and mil of being jerks though!
  • RBXChas
    RBXChas Posts: 2,708 Member
    Options
    Well, as an example, my brother and his wife moved here first, then my sister and her husband followed, then my husband and I followed. My brother's wife went to an OB/Gyn who was recommended by her brother's wife, so when my sister moved here and got pregnant, she went to the same doctor. Then when I moved here and got pregnant, I also went to the same doctor. We just all have a comfort level with her and with the practice as a whole, so she has delivered five of my parents' eight grandchildren, and she will deliver #9, too, upping her number to six of my parents' grandchildren. My brother's kids and my sister's kids all go to the same pediatrician's office where I take my son, too, which is where I will take this baby after s/he is born (which will be eight of my parents' nine grandchildren).

    But as far as annoying in-laws, I get it. I don't get along that well with my MIL, and even though my FIL is pretty laid-back like my husband and his two brothers, he and I have always had a strained relationship because my MIL is always around, stressing me out, saying stupid, insensitive *kitten* because she's a space cadet. My SILs on that side are way more forgiving of her, and I have no idea how they do it.

    Because we have such a weird relationship, it's hard for me to see any good in them. I can take something and make it appear that they have a vendetta against me, whereas if anyone else did the same thing, I might be slightly annoyed and would probably blow it off. It's all about context, I guess.

    That said, within a week of my son's birth, I got a phone call from my husband's brother saying that he and his wife were expecting. I was happy for them, but right from the start they got really annoying about it. It's been a long time since a girl was born in my husband's family, and the "rule" in my family is that you don't get to have a girl until you've had two boys, so there's an overabundance of boys on both sides. Now I don't really care - I have one son and would be psyched to have another (I'm 34 weeks and don't know what I'm having), but my BIL and SIL made this big freaking deal about how they "just knew" they were having a girl, and before they had even confirmed that, they had named her and purchased monogrammed stuff, etc. It really was over-the-top, and my MIL and FIL would say stuff all the time about how EXCITED they were that BIL and SIL were having a girl, etc., meanwhile my son was like "yeah, whatever" to them. (Though if my parents came to see my son, they'd immediately get jealous and start comparing which set of grandparents spends more time with him.) They were majorly annoying on Facebook during the entire pregnancy, a**-kissing with my MIL and FIL by posting a million ultrasound pictures and tagging MIL and FIL in them (I never posted a single ultrasound, just not my thing), and going on and on about how awesome it was to be having the first girl in three generations in my husband's paternal family, etc. Given how my relationship is with my in-laws, I couldn't help but feel it was like a slap in the face, like I was somehow defective because I had borne a son. (In the end, they did end up having a girl, and MAN is she a pain in the a**!)

    Once I decided to just let them be their annoying, self-congratulatory selves, and not make it out like it was all directed against me, I felt much better. SIL were able to bond a bit over pregnancy/baby stuff, and it actually has helped our relationship. I would guess that your SIL is trying to find something to bond with you about - and even might be a little scared and is looking for something stable to cling to, especially after her losses and her knowing that you had a rough pregnancy the first time around. As for her Facebook- and text-bombing you about how you must be having another boy and she will have the ONLY girl, just remember that she has zero control over what either of you have. I know it would be poetic justice if you had a girl and she had a boy, but try not to play her games. If your in-laws are such jerks that they shun you because you had a boy instead of a girl, take it as a sign that maybe you should spend less time with them - and if they are happy to spend less time with you, count your blessings and go about your life being happy!

    I found out I was pregnant this time, and before we had spilled the beans to anyone, not even family, my BIL calls me and says that SIL is pregnant again, that they had been slacking on birth control and didn't intend to get pregnant this soon after their first baby. SIL's cycles are weird, so the best they could guess was that she was a week behind me.

    The funny thing is, if they'd already known we were expecting when they told us, I'd have guessed they did it because we did and/or were trying to beat us to the punch, so to speak, but since they didn't know we were trying or expecting, I can say with 100% certainty that it truly was a coincidence. It's all about context.

    It ended up that SIL had a blighted ovum (a/k/a "empty sac"), which I know she took really hard. I felt awful for them, and in a weird way I felt another kind sadness because I expected to have a "partner" in this in real life, another woman whom I knew in person who was literally at the same stage of pregnancy that I was. And then I felt horrible for thinking all those things about how (in my mind) she had done/said things to spite me, etc., whereas I think it was just her way of being excited and oversharing.

    Now as for my MIL, as much as I don't like to be around her, I can't avoid her forever, and I just have to roll my eyes and get over it. She has said some horribly insensitive things to me, and nothing I do can be done without some reference to BIL and SIL and how they've done such-and-such or have done the same thing better than I have. I mean, when my son was a few months old, I was already losing weight with MFP, and my MIL and FIL came to visit. My MIL felt it necessary to tell me that SIL didn't have to wear maternity clothes at all and was so thin and healthy, like SIL was somehow better than me because of it. I was like, "Oh, good for her," and changed the subject. My husband didn't hear it, and when I told him about it later, he thought I was joking. When I assured him that I was serious, he was appalled at what a jerk comment it was. She's also asked me all sorts of weird questions, like at 8 weeks she asked me if I had to get up to pee in the middle of the night yet (who ASKS that?). She just lacks a brain-to-mouth filter, and I try not to take it personally.

    Just try to breathe. If you really don't like your in-laws, you should just keep it civil and try not to get caught up in their head games. I am well aware of how hard that is, but you have to try.
  • sarahertzberger
    sarahertzberger Posts: 534 Member
    Options
    I know what you mean with the not liking the in-laws, me and my mil don't always get along but I don't really think you should be upset me and my sister in law have always been 5 weeks apart with our pregnancies except for the last time and this time that I know of I promise once you accept it and start to be happy for her it will be lots of fun to share the experience with her, maybe you can use this to "mend some fences" it is wonderful to have someone else to know what you're going through and plus you can help her and give her advice on what to do when she gets as far along as you are.

    it will get better and if you allow yourself I promise you will start to enjoy it I totally understand that your hormones are probably the reason for you feeling this way, I had an awful time with hormones with 2 of my pregnancies it will be ok :-)