MY STRUGGLE WITH FAITH...
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ThePinkAlligator
Posts: 142
This is an excerpt from an email I sent to Katie on 4/17
I worry about being the seed who fell in the shallow earth, who sprung up too quickly and was not deeply rooted enough to remain, who was scorched and perished. My family makes it seem so easy, they never waver from their faith. It's just years of constant faith... without rebellion. It is nice to know that someone else has struggled, that they believed in God, heard his word, but didn't just retire into a comfortable, consistent relationship with Christ. I often wonder if I'm just not one of God's chosen, so no matter how much I try.... and as I was writing this, I believe God just showed me something. He brought to mind the man who wrote the song "Amazing Grace" - his name was John Newton - I looked his conversion up on Wikipedia - incredible, and very eye-opening, comforting. I encourage you to look him up. While reading this Paul (who was Saul) was brought to mind as well. Maybe this is how God talks to us.... I don't think it coincidence that when I meditate and focus on these questions that they are answered. Also, it would seem that the more information you know, the more God has to work with, to remind you with, I never thought of that before.
JOHN NEWTON: The writer of the song "Amazing Grace" is not as you would imagine him....
John Newton was born in Wapping, London, in 1725, the son of John Newton Sr., a shipmaster in the Mediterranean service, and Elizabeth Newton, a Nonconformist Christian. His mother died of tuberculosis in July, 1732, about two weeks before his seventh birthday. Two years later, he went to live in Aveley, the home of his father's new wife. Newton spent two years at boarding school. At age eleven he went to sea with his father. Newton sailed six voyages before his father retired in 1742. Newton's father made plans for him to work at a sugar plantation in Jamaica. Instead, Newton signed on with a merchant ship sailing to the Mediterranean Sea.
In 1743, while on the way to visit some friends, Newton was captured and pressed into the naval service by the Royal Navy. He became a midshipman aboard HMS Harwich. At one point, Newton attempted to desert and was punished in front of the crew of 350. Stripped to the waist, tied to the grating, he received a flogging of eight dozen lashes, and was reduced to the rank of a common seaman.
Following that disgrace and humiliation, Newton initially contemplated murdering the captain and then committing suicide by throwing himself overboard. He recovered, both physically and mentally. Later, while Harwich was en route to India, he transferred to Pegasus, a slave ship bound for West Africa. The ship carried goods to Africa, and traded them for slaves to be shipped to England and other countries.
Newton proved to be a continual problem for the crew of Pegasus. They left him in West Africa with Amos Clowe, a slave dealer. Clowe took Newton to the coast, and gave him to his wife Princess Peye, an African duchess. Newton was abused and mistreated along with her other slaves. It was this period that Newton later remembered as the time he was "once an infidel and libertine, a servant of slaves in West Africa."
Early in 1748 he was rescued by a sea captain who had been asked by Newton's father to search for him, he made it to freedom.
In 1750 he married his childhood sweetheart, Mary Catlett, in St. Margaret's Church, Rochester.
He sailed back to England in 1748 aboard the merchant ship Greyhound, which was carrying beeswax and dyer's wood, now referred to as camwood. During this voyage, he experienced a spiritual conversion. The ship encountered a severe storm off the coast of Donegal and almost sank. Newton awoke in the middle of the night and finally called out to God as the ship filled with water. After he called out, the cargo came out and stopped up the hole, and the ship was able to drift to safety. It was this experience which he later marked as the beginnings of his conversion to evangelical Christianity. As the ship sailed home, Newton began to read the Bible and other religious literature. By the time he reached Britain, he had accepted the doctrines of evangelical Christianity. The date was 10 March 1748, an anniversary he marked for the rest of his life. From that point on, he avoided profanity, gambling, and drinking. Although he continued to work in the slave trade, he had gained a considerable amount of sympathy for the slaves. He later said that his true conversion did not happen until some time later: "I cannot consider myself to have been a believer in the full sense of the word, until a considerable time afterwards."
Newton returned to Liverpool, England and, partly due to the influence of his father's friend Joseph Manesty, obtained a position as first mate aboard the slave ship Brownlow, bound for the West Indies via the coast of Guinea. During the first leg of this voyage, while in west Africa (1748–1749), Newton acknowledged the inadequacy of his spiritual life. While he was sick with a fever, he professed his full belief in Christ and asked God to take control of his destiny. He later said that this experience was his true conversion and the turning point in his spiritual life. He claimed it was the first time he felt totally at peace with God.
Still, he did not renounce the slave trade until later in his life. After his return to England in 1750, he made three further voyages as captain of the slave-trading ships Duke of Argyle (1750) and African (1752–1753 and 1753–1754). He only gave up seafaring and his active slave-trading activities in 1754, after suffering a severe stroke, but continued to invest his savings in Manesty's slaving operations."
In 1755 Newton became tide surveyor (a tax collector) of the Port of Liverpool, again through the influence of Manesty. In his spare time, he was able to study Greek, Hebrew, and Syriac. He became well known as an evangelical lay minister. In 1757, he applied to be ordained as a priest in the Church of England, but it was more than seven years before he was eventually accepted.
Such was his frustration during this period of rejection that he also applied to the Methodists, Independents and Presbyterians, and applications were even mailed directly to the Bishops of Chester and Lincoln and the Archbishops of Canterbury and York.
Eventually, in 1764, he was introduced by Thomas Haweis to Lord Dartmouth, who was influential in recommending Newton to the Bishop of Chester, and who suggested him for the living of Olney, Buckinghamshire. On 29 April 1764 Newton received deacon's orders, and finally became a priest on 17 June.
As curate of Olney, Newton was partly sponsored by an evangelical philanthropist, the wealthy Christian merchant John Thornton, who supplemented his stipend of £60 a year with £200 a year "for hospitality and to help the poor". He soon became well known for his pastoral care, as much as for his beliefs, and his friendship with Dissenters and evangelical clergy caused him to be respected by Anglicans and Nonconformists alike. He spent sixteen years at Olney, during which time so popular was his preaching that the church had a gallery added to accommodate the large numbers who flocked to hear him.
Some five years later, in 1772, Thomas Scott, later to become a biblical commentator and co-founder of the Church Missionary Society, took up the curacy of the neighbouring parishes of Stoke Goldington and Weston Underwood. Newton was instrumental in converting Scott from a cynical 'career priest' to a true believer, a conversion Scott related in his spiritual autobiography The Force Of Truth (1779).
In 1779 Newton was invited by John Thornton to become Rector of St Mary Woolnoth, Lombard Street, London, where he officiated until his death. The church had been built by Nicholas Hawksmoor in 1727 in the fashionable Baroque style. Newton then became one of only two evangelical preachers in the capital, and he soon found himself gaining in popularity amongst the growing evangelical party. He was a strong supporter of evangelicalism in the Church of England, and remained a friend of Dissenters as well as Anglicans.
Many young churchmen and others enquiring about their faith visited him and sought his advice, including such well-known social figures as the writer and philanthropist Hannah More, and the young Member of Parliament, William Wilberforce, who had recently undergone a crisis of conscience and religious conversion as he was contemplating leaving politics. Having sought his guidance, Newton encouraged Wilberforce to stay in Parliament and "serve God where he was" In 1792, he was presented with the degree of Doctor of Divinity by the College of New Jersey (now Princeton University).
In 1788, 34 years after he had retired from the slave trade, Newton broke a long silence on the subject with the publication of a forceful pamphlet "Thoughts Upon the Slave Trade", in which he described the horrific conditions of the slave ships during the Middle Passage, and apologized for "a confession, which ... comes too late ... It will always be a subject of humiliating reflection to me, that I was once an active instrument in a business at which my heart now shudders." A copy of the pamphlet was sent to every MP, and sold so well that it swiftly required reprinting. Newton became an ally of his friend William Wilberforce, leader of the Parliamentary campaign to abolish the slave trade. He lived to see the passage of the Slave Trade Act 1807.
Newton has been called hypocritical by some modern writers for continuing to participate in the slave trade while holding strong Christian convictions. Newton later came to believe that during the first five of his nine years as a slave trader he had not been a Christian in the full sense of the term: "I was greatly deficient in many respects ... I cannot consider myself to have been a believer in the full sense of the word, until a considerable time later." Although this "true conversion" to Christianity also had no immediate impact on his views on slavery, he eventually came to revise them.
I worry about being the seed who fell in the shallow earth, who sprung up too quickly and was not deeply rooted enough to remain, who was scorched and perished. My family makes it seem so easy, they never waver from their faith. It's just years of constant faith... without rebellion. It is nice to know that someone else has struggled, that they believed in God, heard his word, but didn't just retire into a comfortable, consistent relationship with Christ. I often wonder if I'm just not one of God's chosen, so no matter how much I try.... and as I was writing this, I believe God just showed me something. He brought to mind the man who wrote the song "Amazing Grace" - his name was John Newton - I looked his conversion up on Wikipedia - incredible, and very eye-opening, comforting. I encourage you to look him up. While reading this Paul (who was Saul) was brought to mind as well. Maybe this is how God talks to us.... I don't think it coincidence that when I meditate and focus on these questions that they are answered. Also, it would seem that the more information you know, the more God has to work with, to remind you with, I never thought of that before.
JOHN NEWTON: The writer of the song "Amazing Grace" is not as you would imagine him....
John Newton was born in Wapping, London, in 1725, the son of John Newton Sr., a shipmaster in the Mediterranean service, and Elizabeth Newton, a Nonconformist Christian. His mother died of tuberculosis in July, 1732, about two weeks before his seventh birthday. Two years later, he went to live in Aveley, the home of his father's new wife. Newton spent two years at boarding school. At age eleven he went to sea with his father. Newton sailed six voyages before his father retired in 1742. Newton's father made plans for him to work at a sugar plantation in Jamaica. Instead, Newton signed on with a merchant ship sailing to the Mediterranean Sea.
In 1743, while on the way to visit some friends, Newton was captured and pressed into the naval service by the Royal Navy. He became a midshipman aboard HMS Harwich. At one point, Newton attempted to desert and was punished in front of the crew of 350. Stripped to the waist, tied to the grating, he received a flogging of eight dozen lashes, and was reduced to the rank of a common seaman.
Following that disgrace and humiliation, Newton initially contemplated murdering the captain and then committing suicide by throwing himself overboard. He recovered, both physically and mentally. Later, while Harwich was en route to India, he transferred to Pegasus, a slave ship bound for West Africa. The ship carried goods to Africa, and traded them for slaves to be shipped to England and other countries.
Newton proved to be a continual problem for the crew of Pegasus. They left him in West Africa with Amos Clowe, a slave dealer. Clowe took Newton to the coast, and gave him to his wife Princess Peye, an African duchess. Newton was abused and mistreated along with her other slaves. It was this period that Newton later remembered as the time he was "once an infidel and libertine, a servant of slaves in West Africa."
Early in 1748 he was rescued by a sea captain who had been asked by Newton's father to search for him, he made it to freedom.
In 1750 he married his childhood sweetheart, Mary Catlett, in St. Margaret's Church, Rochester.
He sailed back to England in 1748 aboard the merchant ship Greyhound, which was carrying beeswax and dyer's wood, now referred to as camwood. During this voyage, he experienced a spiritual conversion. The ship encountered a severe storm off the coast of Donegal and almost sank. Newton awoke in the middle of the night and finally called out to God as the ship filled with water. After he called out, the cargo came out and stopped up the hole, and the ship was able to drift to safety. It was this experience which he later marked as the beginnings of his conversion to evangelical Christianity. As the ship sailed home, Newton began to read the Bible and other religious literature. By the time he reached Britain, he had accepted the doctrines of evangelical Christianity. The date was 10 March 1748, an anniversary he marked for the rest of his life. From that point on, he avoided profanity, gambling, and drinking. Although he continued to work in the slave trade, he had gained a considerable amount of sympathy for the slaves. He later said that his true conversion did not happen until some time later: "I cannot consider myself to have been a believer in the full sense of the word, until a considerable time afterwards."
Newton returned to Liverpool, England and, partly due to the influence of his father's friend Joseph Manesty, obtained a position as first mate aboard the slave ship Brownlow, bound for the West Indies via the coast of Guinea. During the first leg of this voyage, while in west Africa (1748–1749), Newton acknowledged the inadequacy of his spiritual life. While he was sick with a fever, he professed his full belief in Christ and asked God to take control of his destiny. He later said that this experience was his true conversion and the turning point in his spiritual life. He claimed it was the first time he felt totally at peace with God.
Still, he did not renounce the slave trade until later in his life. After his return to England in 1750, he made three further voyages as captain of the slave-trading ships Duke of Argyle (1750) and African (1752–1753 and 1753–1754). He only gave up seafaring and his active slave-trading activities in 1754, after suffering a severe stroke, but continued to invest his savings in Manesty's slaving operations."
In 1755 Newton became tide surveyor (a tax collector) of the Port of Liverpool, again through the influence of Manesty. In his spare time, he was able to study Greek, Hebrew, and Syriac. He became well known as an evangelical lay minister. In 1757, he applied to be ordained as a priest in the Church of England, but it was more than seven years before he was eventually accepted.
Such was his frustration during this period of rejection that he also applied to the Methodists, Independents and Presbyterians, and applications were even mailed directly to the Bishops of Chester and Lincoln and the Archbishops of Canterbury and York.
Eventually, in 1764, he was introduced by Thomas Haweis to Lord Dartmouth, who was influential in recommending Newton to the Bishop of Chester, and who suggested him for the living of Olney, Buckinghamshire. On 29 April 1764 Newton received deacon's orders, and finally became a priest on 17 June.
As curate of Olney, Newton was partly sponsored by an evangelical philanthropist, the wealthy Christian merchant John Thornton, who supplemented his stipend of £60 a year with £200 a year "for hospitality and to help the poor". He soon became well known for his pastoral care, as much as for his beliefs, and his friendship with Dissenters and evangelical clergy caused him to be respected by Anglicans and Nonconformists alike. He spent sixteen years at Olney, during which time so popular was his preaching that the church had a gallery added to accommodate the large numbers who flocked to hear him.
Some five years later, in 1772, Thomas Scott, later to become a biblical commentator and co-founder of the Church Missionary Society, took up the curacy of the neighbouring parishes of Stoke Goldington and Weston Underwood. Newton was instrumental in converting Scott from a cynical 'career priest' to a true believer, a conversion Scott related in his spiritual autobiography The Force Of Truth (1779).
In 1779 Newton was invited by John Thornton to become Rector of St Mary Woolnoth, Lombard Street, London, where he officiated until his death. The church had been built by Nicholas Hawksmoor in 1727 in the fashionable Baroque style. Newton then became one of only two evangelical preachers in the capital, and he soon found himself gaining in popularity amongst the growing evangelical party. He was a strong supporter of evangelicalism in the Church of England, and remained a friend of Dissenters as well as Anglicans.
Many young churchmen and others enquiring about their faith visited him and sought his advice, including such well-known social figures as the writer and philanthropist Hannah More, and the young Member of Parliament, William Wilberforce, who had recently undergone a crisis of conscience and religious conversion as he was contemplating leaving politics. Having sought his guidance, Newton encouraged Wilberforce to stay in Parliament and "serve God where he was" In 1792, he was presented with the degree of Doctor of Divinity by the College of New Jersey (now Princeton University).
In 1788, 34 years after he had retired from the slave trade, Newton broke a long silence on the subject with the publication of a forceful pamphlet "Thoughts Upon the Slave Trade", in which he described the horrific conditions of the slave ships during the Middle Passage, and apologized for "a confession, which ... comes too late ... It will always be a subject of humiliating reflection to me, that I was once an active instrument in a business at which my heart now shudders." A copy of the pamphlet was sent to every MP, and sold so well that it swiftly required reprinting. Newton became an ally of his friend William Wilberforce, leader of the Parliamentary campaign to abolish the slave trade. He lived to see the passage of the Slave Trade Act 1807.
Newton has been called hypocritical by some modern writers for continuing to participate in the slave trade while holding strong Christian convictions. Newton later came to believe that during the first five of his nine years as a slave trader he had not been a Christian in the full sense of the term: "I was greatly deficient in many respects ... I cannot consider myself to have been a believer in the full sense of the word, until a considerable time later." Although this "true conversion" to Christianity also had no immediate impact on his views on slavery, he eventually came to revise them.
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Replies
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Thanks for sharing this part of yourself with us.
(I read John Newtons book as a kid and always loved his story)0 -
The Lord works in mysterious ways and if you are a close observer you can see His hand in your life everyday. To struggle with your faith is a great sign of your desire for the Lord and He sees and loves this part of you. He wants to be wanted and loves to be loved by us. For this we were created. I struggled with my faith for a very long time but not anymore. I have learned that in some ways it is just a matter of letting go and relaxing in His love, grace and mercy. I have been able to relax and realize that God loves me and sees me like a little child. He knows my heart and He wishes me to be happy and joyful with him as my "Daddy". I am confident that He knows me better than I know myself and when I think of Him in all things and trust and hope in Him in everything I have no worry. We are all sinners, saved by grace. No matter how hard you try, you will never be "good enough" or have enough faith to be saved. Salvation is a gift, that is why Jesus died.
Rest in Jesus and always know He is working in us to do His will regardless of what our thoughts or others may tell us. Faith is actually very simple but our minds and our enemy wants to make us think it is so complicated. That's just an evil trick. When I feel upset or worried I visualize myself in God's very large hands. When you have a thought of fear or worry, immediately replace it with a scripture and picture of yourself in God's loving hands. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and don't depend on your own understanding.... acknowledge Him in everything and He will direct your paths. :flowerforyou:
Remember... it is God who planted the seed and he will fertilize the soil, bring the gentle rains and the warm sun. Floods will come sometimes but if you are building on Jesus the Rock you will always be safe. Just smile up at Him like a great big Sunflower getting lost in His Joy!0 -
I relate to having struggles with Faith it is up and down. I am finding since doing the Luke study my eyes are being opened to knowing its okay to need reassurance of your faith sometimes. a quote that helped me is " God doesn't expect us to be perfect, all he desires is that we have a willing heart tender towards him and to be a willing vessel." that helps me alot to know. I struggled a lot with when I feel I make a mistake I am not a true christian ( part of my childhood ways) from my dad. he was always harsh with me whenever I messed up and told me to get back up and start praying harder. for whatever reason I felt God was the same way so I would act in that manner.
seeing from the study about Luke wanting to make sure the accounts of Christ's life and ministry were relaible so that Theophilus could know for certain of these things lead me to believe its okay to want to make sure have that assurance.0 -
Thanks for the thoughtful responses, ladies!0
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Thanks for sharing.0
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I think we all struggel with our faith at times God knowes our hearts and our struggles this is why he gave his only son Jesus for us who believe for God so loved the world that He gave His only son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. we can not always be perfect but we can love and trust in Jesus to guide us. God bless you. valey12340
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One of the best things about God is that He loves us unconditionally. I used to attend a church that would make me feel bad if I didn't wear stockings or if I cut my hair...things like that. It was understood that we had to walk a perfect life. The church also made it known that if one wasn't a part of their church organization, you were NOT saved. It wasn't until after meeting my husband (boyfriend at the time) who introduced me to the home fellowship ministry that he was a part of, that I fully understood that there is no one perfect but Jesus Christ. We are going to fall because we are human/flesh. We will never arrive to the highest point spiritually bc there's so many things that God won't reveal to us because it will be too much for us. Knowing that, I became thankful that as long as I had a heart for God and a desire to know Him more, He will accept me as I am. You may waiver in faith...we all waiver at some point because, again, none of us "have arrived" but know that you are unique in God's eyes and He loves you unconditionally. Christ Jesus made that possible and I am so grateful for it. Aren't you?
Thank you for sharing such an awesome testimony and reading.0 -
Thank you to everyone for your kind responses.0
