comments about weight...
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jessiekanga
Posts: 564 Member
I am finding myself struggling something fierce when folks notice and comment on my weight loss, and I'm wondering what opinions might be out there. I live an incredibly public life, but only in my little itty-bitty world. I'm in charge at my agency, write a column for the local newspaper, co-lead the anti-racism initiative, live and go to church in the same town as I work... with my multi-racial two-mom family. Yeah, we draw some attention.
And yet, for me my weight (once 250, now 205, should be under 150) is an incredibly difficult journey (and yes, I use the word "journey"... not really understanding why it's so unwelcome on MFP). When I lose weight, somehow folks feel permission to openly comment on it. I know folks think they are complimenting me, but I often find the sincerity lacking. If you weren't a part of my inner life before, what would give you permission to ask about it now? What makes it okay to comment on my weight loss publicly, in front of elected officials or funders or Board Members or staff? What makes it so easy for folks to comment? Yet, when someone is struggling and gaining, we say nothing. Don't folks realize that the weight struggle is "shaming" whether someone comments on a loss or a gain. Don't folks see that commenting on my loss also comments on where I used to be. If "I look great" now, what does that compare to? And honestly, who invited you, welcomed you, to disarm me, touch my vulnerability, when I am in front of others, needing to be in my professional role, or actively parenting?
Somehow, to me, this feels shaming, and I'm not convinced that it's meant as sincere compliments. Somehow when it's sincere, it feels different. And... it's never when I'm about to step in front of a microphone.
Thoughts?
And yet, for me my weight (once 250, now 205, should be under 150) is an incredibly difficult journey (and yes, I use the word "journey"... not really understanding why it's so unwelcome on MFP). When I lose weight, somehow folks feel permission to openly comment on it. I know folks think they are complimenting me, but I often find the sincerity lacking. If you weren't a part of my inner life before, what would give you permission to ask about it now? What makes it okay to comment on my weight loss publicly, in front of elected officials or funders or Board Members or staff? What makes it so easy for folks to comment? Yet, when someone is struggling and gaining, we say nothing. Don't folks realize that the weight struggle is "shaming" whether someone comments on a loss or a gain. Don't folks see that commenting on my loss also comments on where I used to be. If "I look great" now, what does that compare to? And honestly, who invited you, welcomed you, to disarm me, touch my vulnerability, when I am in front of others, needing to be in my professional role, or actively parenting?
Somehow, to me, this feels shaming, and I'm not convinced that it's meant as sincere compliments. Somehow when it's sincere, it feels different. And... it's never when I'm about to step in front of a microphone.
Thoughts?
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Replies
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I wish people would refrain from commenting on others' weights, particularly people they don't know well. When someone loses weight, it could be unwelcome or the result of illness, poverty, stress, or any other number of reasons that might make the person unwilling to discuss it with passing acquaintances.
Personally, I'd prefer that everyone except my doctors keep their thoughts about my body to themselves. When a coworker comments on it, it tells me that they are scrutinizing my appearance rather than my work. And strangers' opinions are really worthless to me, so all that strangers' comments say to me is that the person has an inflated sense of the value of their opinion.
I'm not sure why people feel so free to congratulate those who have lost weight, but I think it is an interesting question. I suspect part of it is because our society so values thinness that it is incomprehensible for many that anyone wouldn't want to be told they look like they've lost weight, regardless of the recipient or timing. I don't think it helps that health and thinness are so often conflated with each other and with moral goodness that people can feel as if they are doing a good deed by shaming those who are fat and congratulating those who have apparently seen the error of their ways and turned towards the righteousness of being thin.0 -
I don't have time to reply in a super intelligent way because I'm on my way out the door, but I'm really glad that this conversation is being had. Growing up with a fat-shaming mother and in this society, I've had to retrain my thoughts about people's weight and the compliments I give for losing weight. It's actually so simple to do seeing as how there's so much to talk about other than someone's pant size. haha
Great topic!0 -
Commenting on weight loss publicly as you described could be a back handed compliment, partially a shaming thing. I think I can imagine what you are talking about-- like someone is congratulating you for finally getting in line with beauty standards--?
It could also just a function of people just being dumb and trying to be helpful in their way--maybe not meant to be consciously malicious....just structurally malicious, if you know what I mean :explode: . I get this kind of thing a lot from my family and older folks. The way older men assume that their favorable commentary on women's clothing, dress, hair, or body will be the highlight of a woman's day--as though she dresses for the affirmation from him.
On the other hand, being public and participating in a community means people will observe what is visible about us. You can't really control any of that. All you can do is control you own comportment. People have all kinds of observations and boundaries that might not be understood or shared based on their background.
But it is frustrating to the point of anger how people can be insulting while delivering a "compliment"....and then it is up to you to educate, be gracious, make it a point of contention, etc etc etc.....it can become exhausting trying to deal with ignorant albeit "well meaning" comments from an entitled peanut gallery.
making a tactful joke at this point usually works best.0 -
Jessiekanga, you said it. As 'skinny' bodies are socially privileged and valorized over 'fat' bodies, open 'praise/congrats' on weight loss needs to be seen as microcosms of sizism and 'fat' phobia more broadly. I would have to agree with Jessiekanga: that the weight struggle is 'shaming' with or without an outright vocal comment from someone else. But what also makes these comments contentious is the implication they have on our internal struggle with our selves--the ambivalent desire to loose weight for soooo many competing and contradictory reasons. Can our bodies--especially women's bodies--every exist in the material world that continually validates certain ('thin') bodies get over others ('fat' bodies which are deemed as 'other' in opposition) without sham(ing)e? Hmmmmm...... I like the conversations on this thread/group.0
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Thanks all. I appreciate all your thoughts and opinions, and I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling it is more complicated than just a compliment I should smile and say thank you to.
Last week, I was told by someone I was "disappearing." This is someone I work with who I see about once per month, over the last 5 years. One month is enough time to notice my changes each time I see her. Each and every time she comments. Yet, what about "disappearing" would feel welcome, would be something I would smile and say thank you to. I want to be healthy, to feel strong, but I don't want to render myself invisible. Oddly, when I maxed out at a weight of 250, folks did render me pretty invisible. That weight was clearly too much to be a valuable contributing individual that deserved or warranted attention of any kind. Now, I'm disappearing once more? Hmm...
As an aside, my current weight is 195, and I'm 5'3". I'm by no means small or disappearing by any means. I am still, by every definition, FAT.
I do find the moral implications of weight equally fascinating, and I think that's why fat folks can be so substantive in size and still be unseen. Our moral failings must mean we have nothing to offer, worth hearing, worth being a part of, if we can't even stop engaging in ravenous gluttony. Sarcasm fully intended of course.
I confess I find the visible struggle of weight loss and health to be among the hardest pieces of this process. I want to retreat into a bubble and "come out" when I'm done, unrecognized but "new." And yet, I love my life, and so the idea of hiding this magnificent life only hurts me in the end. Ugh!... Onward:)0 -
Thanks all. I appreciate all your thoughts and opinions, and I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling it is more complicated than just a compliment I should smile and say thank you to.
Last week, I was told by someone I was "disappearing." This is someone I work with who I see about once per month, over the last 5 years. One month is enough time to notice my changes each time I see her. Each and every time she comments. Yet, what about "disappearing" would feel welcome, would be something I would smile and say thank you to. I want to be healthy, to feel strong, but I don't want to render myself invisible. Oddly, when I maxed out at a weight of 250, folks did render me pretty invisible. That weight was clearly too much to be a valuable contributing individual that deserved or warranted attention of any kind. Now, I'm disappearing once more? Hmm...
As an aside, my current weight is 195, and I'm 5'3". I'm by no means small or disappearing by any means. I am still, by every definition, FAT.
I do find the moral implications of weight equally fascinating, and I think that's why fat folks can be so substantive in size and still be unseen. Our moral failings must mean we have nothing to offer, worth hearing, worth being a part of, if we can't even stop engaging in ravenous gluttony. Sarcasm fully intended of course.
I confess I find the visible struggle of weight loss and health to be among the hardest pieces of this process. I want to retreat into a bubble and "come out" when I'm done, unrecognized but "new." And yet, I love my life, and so the idea of hiding this magnificent life only hurts me in the end. Ugh!... Onward:)
WORD, MY FRIEND, WORD!0 -
Haven't had a chance to reasd this allind etail but wanted to add my two penn'orth -
I think people comment on women's weight because our bodies are seen as public property. By us merely going outside, being seen, we invite scrutiny. It's not fair. I know it's all tied in with society valuing thinness and hating fat, but men don't get the same treatment. It is peculiar to women.
I hate people commenting (uninvited) on my body, even when they are trying to be being genuinely nice. I wear the clothes I do because I like them and *I* think they are pretty. Or comfortable. Or fun. I don't wear them for others to admire. Compliments make me feel just as awkward as criticism.0 -
One thing that really bothers me about the need for people to comment about weight is that, for me, it seems to outweigh my other accomplishments. In my family, it always seemed that no matter how I excelled in school, no matter how generous or giving or kind or intelligent or passionate I was, my weight was my main focus. Though I always had great grades, was always there to help everybody and was active and passionate about my beliefs, I'd have family members that would never compliment me on these aspects of my life or being. But those same people would ALWAYS compliment me when they saw that I was losing weight.
That's one of the most frustrating aspects for me. That somehow my appearance becomes the most important thing about me. It becomes their focus. And my physical body, however fierce and fabulous that I may feel about it (or try to feel on a bad day), is never what I consider the most important thing about me. My intelligence, courage, convictions, determination and passions are what I feel defines me but there's still such a gap in how people understand the bodies of women.
I think it's very true that women's bodies are considered to be open for consumption or criticism just by being in public space. And I think that's a function of the constant objectification of the female form throughout history and throughout the media. We are no longer women in the eyes of many people. We are not people. We're just bodies! It's absurd!0 -
One thing that really bothers me about the need for people to comment about weight is that, for me, it seems to outweigh my other accomplishments.
Yes, yes, yes. I hear you. Thank you for sharing. I also love your reference to your fierce and fabulous body. I know the journey of feeling that with any consistency, but very cool description to strive to embrace.
Seems like you've found the right crowd. Welcome, glad to have you:)!0 -
I don't have much to add, I just want to say that I'm thankful that I'm not the only one who think and feel this way. I don't mind if anyone compliment me on my clothes or my make up. I can (if i'm in the right mood) accept compliments that has to do with my recovery from anorexia (e.g "You look much healthier now, you look strong, you don't seem to freeze all the time" etc, but I prefer to hear "you look happier now"). The only one who is allowed to talk about my body is my boyfriend, and only in positive ways. Other than that, I don't see why my body should be something to compliment me for. It's just a body. It's a shell, it's not ME.0
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Hey, I was wondering if I could get a little community support. I was at my gym, and so far, that's been a pretty good experience. We don't have any "health at any size" type gyms here (switzerland), but being left to just be a sweaty mess is fine enough for me. And of course, that wasn't to be. I was approached by a trainer, who told me that to lose weight, I'd have to change the way I eat and start seeing a nutritionist. Out of nowhere. Mind you, plenty of older fellows with paunches and having more trouble than I, and I come in to that gym every day to cardio or strength train. No, I was the one deserving of scrutiny, and my weak French was not my biggest help. I just had this thin woman following me all over the gym until I cut my workout 20 minutes short. How can I realistically deal with this kind of thing? I've been hearing "Don't let it get to you" but like...how? It's not that I don't know how to eat well. I even try to do it (see: my participation in this website). I'm just fat, I'm working on fixing it, and I just want to be left to get about it without being harassed.0
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That sounds very uncomfortable. : ( I know I would be very bothered by that sort of comment.
I don't know what you can do to avoid this kind of situation if the other gyms around are also like that, other than to try working out at home or walking or running outside (if that is safe).
However, I think you are very brave to go work out in that sort of atmosphere. Maybe you can try concentrating on that? Going to the gym sounds like something to be proud of, every day.0 -
Oh my gosh that sounds so hard. When I am at a gym, it's my local YMCA, which I think is pretty known for catering to the imperfect among us. I still find it hard, expect and interpret the leers whether or not I have reason to think it's judgment-based. You have pretty clear confirmation that this is direct judgment.
I'm sorry!
You can decide whether or not you want to challenge "the system", the gym, by talking with a/the manager. That choice is yours alone. But whether you do or don't, please remember that this is about sexism and sizism, it is not about you. This is how our cultures function. It's wrong, it's painful, and it hurts. The vulnerability is hard and the courage required to withstand it all and keep plugging is immense. Please give yourself room for all your feelings without judging them. Remind yourself that this is common for us to face, that being embarrassed (a temporary, fleeting feeling of vulnerability that changes when you remind yourself this is not about you) is normal... but shame (feeling undeserving, inadequate or like you don't belong to be there) is not what this situation warrants. Remind yourself... it's them, not you. If you need reminders, keep asking us, please.0 -
but I prefer to hear "you look happier now"
I'm glad you have chances to hear that. That does sound incredibly valuable, especially if it's also the truth:) Thanks for sharing that, it reminds me that this can and needs to also be something I'm joyful/happy about
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Thanks. That's a lot of help. I'm thinking of making a card, since I never remember good lines (there's even a word in french for the kind of humor you think up as you're walking down the stairs after an interaction). I think it will say something like "I realize I might look ridiculous. I look better when my face is not super red. Let's all be adults about this and let me sweat it out" or whatever the French term for "sweat it out" is.
I feel like being "the cool girl" will get me out of this with minimal arguing. I've started SEVERAL of those "Latin discussions" as they're called here [we call them "shouting matches"] by commenting on a feminist issue. My favorite one was when I asked a little girl I came across if she played soccer. Girls leagues here? Not so much. And parents here? Annoyed that you broach the subject.0
