Old Post: Is your wife outta shape?
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/723636-men-is-your-wife-outta-shape
Guys... is concern that after marriage she'll let herself go one of the things that keeps you from desiring marriage? Ladies?
I know there are other reasons, especially in today's culture... just curious what y'all think about that
Guys... is concern that after marriage she'll let herself go one of the things that keeps you from desiring marriage? Ladies?
I know there are other reasons, especially in today's culture... just curious what y'all think about that
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Any smart man who is married and whose wife is here would never comment on this thread... I would kill my husband if he replied. Ahh yea my wife is outta shape. But being the wonderful husband he is, he would never even think about doing that. He may think it but he would never publically say it...
But I do understand your point. I do have a few friends who think its okay to let themselves go since they got the man. One even told me Ive been married for 30 years. this is as good as it gets. I'm afraid to ever think that way. Men are visual creatures who get turned on by sight. Mama always told me that we have to be visually appealing to our spouses. they can get as fat and out of shape as they want but we cant. It aint right but its true...
Stuff like this irritates me. I don't get how women don't want their men to say you've gained 100 lbs and I don't find you attractive anymore. Seems to me if our society were more honest, we'd have less affairs and divorces because people would be more upfront about our needs. "Hey honey, remember how you used to work out every day to look trim so you can catch a man? How about looking good for the one you got? It's hard for me to be turned on by you when you obviously aren't even trying to care of yourself." "Hey honey, remember how you used to spend time with me just the two of us, how about skipping one of your 6 nights at the bar with your bois and let's go on a date. It's hard for me to be turned on by you when the only time you talk to me is when you're tapping my shoulder at night."
Maybe I'm in just in a snarky mood. I do remember being mad at my ex for telling me in front of my friends I was fat. I wish he would have told me in private first. But that's what motivated me to lose weight the first time and WOW what a difference losing that weight made in my world!0 -
I see both sides.
1) You should want to look good, not sloppy, for yourself and your spouse.
2) But if you gain a few pounds, get gray hair and decide to embrace it, whatever, that should be fine too.
There's a line. If you gain some weight, get some wrinkles, that should be okay. Inheriantly you are the same person. But if you gain 200 pounds, absolutely stop caring about your apperance that is no good for your self esteem or for your spouse either and that may show you have internal issues that need to be dealt with.
I'm a big fan of Kathie Lee and Hoda and they do "ambush" makeovers. You would be surprised how many of these women come in wearing sloppy sweatshirts and baggy jeans, no makeup...and they're in New York City. You think they would put on a cute outfit. When they put the women in nice clothes and apply makeup, you should see how the men look at their wives.0 -
Reminds me of a old joke:
Husbands go to sleep every night hoping their wife don't change and
Wives go to sleep hoping to change their husbands . .
but from what I've seen it's usually both sides that let their selves go . . .0 -
It's not a fear of mine but I have no problem speaking my mind. I used to internalize everything and all it got me was pain and fat. Not again, no thanks.0
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Partially and what I mean be that is if she lets herself go AND isn't active at all. I will never have a 6 pack myself but I plan to stay physically active until my dying breath. Hypothetically speaking, if I was married, she lets herself go and she asked, I would tell her the truth. It's not just the physical attractiveness part that's my concern but the health aspect. I expect wrinkles here, sagginess there, a few extra pounds. I don't mind that. It's when she just gives up entirely that would bother me.0
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With getting old, there's a certain amount of 'letting go' involved, both physically and mentally!! If you dont let go of youth, then you'll be forever deluded. However, there are extremes and even though baldness or extra pounds or wrinkles dont bother me, an active and positive man turning into an unshaven, smelly slob, would!
lol
ETA! Oh, just realised the subject was the 'wife' letting herself go!! ERmmm, it goes both ways!!!0 -
I have lived this. My ex gained a lot of weight (she doubled her weight), and told me flat out that I should be happy with her no matter how she looked. And while that wasn't what caused the marriage to end, it didn't help.0
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Seems a bit ridiculous to *not* marry someone because you fear she will get fat. Who thinks like that?
On the other hand, if, after marriage, the woman really lets herself go, well.... Yeah, that's an issue, but it's something that doesn't happen over night. So I would hope I would nicely suggest some positive ways to turn things around. For example, cooking new, healthier recipes together. Or taking more walks together. Playing tennis, or teaching her to play golf, or whatever.
And I'd be open to her about why she needs to eat better and get more active... I might soften it a bit by claiming I, too, need to eat better, get in better shape, etc. Make it seem like it's a team effort.
But to resist entering into marriage because of this seems incredibly superficial.
--P0 -
Seems a bit ridiculous to *not* marry someone because you fear she will get fat. Who thinks like that?
I can name three people off the top of my head that have been, or are currently on, this board. :laugh:0 -
It's impossible the woman I would marry would not have a mindset that let her get fat.0
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Men are not the only ones who are visual, and I totally disagree that husbands are allowed to gain as much weight as they want but wives aren't.
Time for honesty: a healthy marriage requires a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life is not possible between two people who don't find each other physically attractive. Yes, marriage is about partnership and emotional intimacy more so than the act of sex itself, but it is just a fact that men (and many, many women) need sex in order to be happy, healthy, functional people.
I am in a group on Facebook for women who do heavy strength training, and yesterday, someone posted this photo:
(ETA: if it's not showing up, it's a picture of a bride with the caption "Now I can get fat.")
Obviously, it's meant to be a joke, but I just think it's selfish and maybe even deceitful to believe that your husband should be attracted to you no matter how badly your looks deteriorate after marriage. That's just not how it works. You don't get to make rules about what other people find attractive and live in this fantasy world where it's okay to stop caring at all about your body and your appearance and still expect your husband to happily whip it out on the rare occasion that you feel confident enough to want to sleep with him.
Both spouses should have enough respect for themselves and for each other to make an effort to maintain their physical appearance. There are going to be changes as we age and as we go through certain life stages (pregnancy being a big one) that we can't do much to control. But there is just never an excuse for not trying at all. And if I were gaining weight and seemed to be oblivious to it or to just not care, I would certainly hope that my husband would know me well enough to know that sooner or later, I would hit the great wall of self-loathing because of it and that he would point it out to me and I would have the courage to say "You're right. Thank you."0 -
There are a lot of bigger things that stop me from getting married, but that is definitely cause for concern.
It's not just for aesthetic reasons either, when people gain weight they can start to get depressed, lazy, unhappy with themselves, etc. I don't want my future wife to be a different person physically and emotionally after however many years of marriage. I want her to resemble the person I fell in love with.0 -
With getting old, there's a certain amount of 'letting go' involved, both physically and mentally!! If you dont let go of youth, then you'll be forever deluded. However, there are extremes and even though baldness or extra pounds or wrinkles dont bother me, an active and positive man turning into an unshaven, smelly slob, would!
lol
ETA! Oh, just realised the subject was the 'wife' letting herself go!! ERmmm, it goes both ways!!!
Definitely agree that it goes both ways... but that post was about wives. Besides, I don't hear women complaining as much about their men letting themselves go. It seems to me that women are more accepting of the impact age has on a body. Unshaven smelly slobbery would certainly bother me.0 -
Time for honesty: a healthy marriage requires a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life is not possible between two people who don't find each other physically attractive.
Not always true. A healthy marriage requires two individuals who work to meet each others most important emotional needs. For most people, these needs include a healthy sex life. Not all. I know of at least one couple that is asexual but they are very, very happy.
And being turned on by someone isn't always about them being physically attractive. For most people, that's probably true, but I'm thinking of one particularly ugly man who was such a great friend that over time that I was shocked by how much he turned me on.0 -
Time for honesty: a healthy marriage requires a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life is not possible between two people who don't find each other physically attractive.
Not always true. A healthy marriage requires two individuals who work to meet each others most important emotional needs. For most people, these needs include a healthy sex life. Not all. I know of at least one couple that is asexual but they are very, very happy.
And being turned on by someone isn't always about them being physically attractive. For most people, that's probably true, but I'm thinking of one particularly ugly man who was such a great friend that over time that I was shocked by how much he turned me on.
Agree with Janie here. One size does not fit all. There are plenty of people that are out of shape but enjoy a mutually active and fulflling sex life.
Look at BBW porn, for example!
I also know an asexual couple that are one of the happiest couples I know :flowerforyou:0 -
I have lived this. My ex gained a lot of weight (she doubled her weight), and told me flat out that I should be happy with her no matter how she looked. And while that wasn't what caused the marriage to end, it didn't help.
My ex didn't tell me "flat out" that I should be happy regardless of her weight. Her weight (or mine for that matter) was rarely - if ever - discussed... but it did greatly decrease my sexual appetite for her (and likely hers for me)... the resulting infrequency of sex had a negative effect on the relationship, a significant one. As the prior poster mentioned, this alone didn't end the marriage but it didn't help.
The fact that in many relationships discussions of one partner's weight is off limits is a big problem - and not discussing it is "sweeping it under the rug". Think of the stereotypical joke cliche where the woman asks "does this dress make me look fat?" The punchline is that this question should never be answered in the affirmative at all costs, even if it's the truth. The fact that there's really no gender-reversed version of this joke (with respect to weight, at least) highlights women's greater sensitivity to their appearance... whether that's "fair" or not. And I think that this is a reflection of women's understanding that men are generally very sensitive to their mate's appearance, and that some women don't want to believe - at all costs (even if it's delusional) - that their mate doesn't find them as attractive if they're heavy.
Of course the converse is true, but apparently with lower intensity. Again, this isn't "fair", but it seems to be the case.
Oh, as this concept is not "socially acceptable", I apologize in advance if saying this hurts anyone's feelings.
And as other posters have said, when it comes to maintaining fitness "one size fits all" does not apply, but I see this as a case of "the exception proving the rule".0 -
Time for honesty: a healthy marriage requires a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life is not possible between two people who don't find each other physically attractive.
Not always true. A healthy marriage requires two individuals who work to meet each others most important emotional needs. For most people, these needs include a healthy sex life. Not all. I know of at least one couple that is asexual but they are very, very happy.
And being turned on by someone isn't always about them being physically attractive. For most people, that's probably true, but I'm thinking of one particularly ugly man who was such a great friend that over time that I was shocked by how much he turned me on.
Agree with Janie here. One size does not fit all. There are plenty of people that are out of shape but enjoy a mutually active and fulflling sex life.
Look at BBW porn, for example!
I also know an asexual couple that are one of the happiest couples I know :flowerforyou:
Absolutely agree with you both, sex is just part of a relationship and not the end all. Plenty of couples have a decrease in their sex life and it is perfectly normal in relationships.
I've heard a saying once that when you are first in love, you're "in love" but then you grow to "love" your partner....but you're not absolutely infatuated with them the way you first are in a relationship.0 -
It's impossible the woman I would marry would not have a mindset that let her get fat.
People who think getting married is the desired ending destination in life are typically the people who quit trying once they get what they want.
Agreed. Wont be a problem for me unless my husband ended up injured and even then, Im pretty sure the man I'd marry would find a way to make that work FOR him and blow my mind with dedication and drive no matter what he came up against.0 -
I was a bridesmaid for a friend once... that after her wedding and while at the reception... she pulled me aside in the venue's kitchen and was giggling. I thought she was going to tell me a funny joke or something - well, in retrospect, it was but anyway...
She said, "Now that he has married me, I can get AS FAT AS I WANT and he will still have to stay with me... because we got MARRIED!"
No joke. She said it. Out loud.
I about died........
PS - and yes, she got up to about 300lbs, they were never able to conceive as a result and she refused to lose the weight...... last I heard they were still married but who knows.....0 -
She said, "Now that he has married me, I can get AS FAT AS I WANT and he will still have to stay with me... because we got MARRIED!"
Bloody hell!! Really?? what kind of person actually 'wants' to get fat?? that defies logic! When I get fat, it just happens. You know, I just eat too much, and dont exercise much. Fat is a symptom of the western diet and lifestyle. It's also a symptom of emotional comfort and general malaise. But to actually want to overeat and want to feel uncomfortable in your own skin and purposely work towards it?? Makes no sense to me. :huh:0 -
I have no intention to keep working out once I get married. Or to go to work, for that matter.0
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Me neither. It was the strangest thing I have ever heard a bride say on their wedding day.....She said, "Now that he has married me, I can get AS FAT AS I WANT and he will still have to stay with me... because we got MARRIED!"
Bloody hell!! Really?? what kind of person actually 'wants' to get fat?? that defies logic! When I get fat, it just happens. You know, I just eat too much, and dont exercise much. Fat is a symptom of the western diet and lifestyle. It's also a symptom of emotional comfort and general malaise. But to actually want to overeat and want to feel uncomfortable in your own skin and purposely work towards it?? Makes no sense to me. :huh:0 -
Me neither. It was the strangest thing I have ever heard a bride say on their wedding day.....
what kind of person actually 'wants' to get fat?? that defies logic!She said, "Now that he has married me, I can get AS FAT AS I WANT and he will still have to stay with me... because we got MARRIED!"
Few people truly want to "get fat" but for some people it takes so much effort to stay fit and trim that they look forward to not having to put forth that effort anymore. Someone who thinks like the above probably is motivated to stay trim not to have a more healthy and fulfilling life but rather to catch a spouse.0 -
Exactly, which makes it then actually acceptable to dump them if they become too fat.
Few people truly want to "get fat" but for some people it takes so much effort to stay fit and trim that they look forward to not having to put forth that effort anymore. Someone who thinks like the above probably is motivated to stay trim not to have a more healthy and fulfilling life but rather to catch a spouse.
Me neither. It was the strangest thing I have ever heard a bride say on their wedding day.....
what kind of person actually 'wants' to get fat?? that defies logic!She said, "Now that he has married me, I can get AS FAT AS I WANT and he will still have to stay with me... because we got MARRIED!"
They accept themselves that trim is more attractive and use the fact that they are trimmer and more attractive as a strategy to catch (possibly a better) someone.
So then it becomes justified for the person who has been "deceived" to actually use this as a reason to leave the relationship.
TL;DR: if you catch me because of that, I'll leave because of that.0 -
I was a bridesmaid for a friend once... that after her wedding and while at the reception... she pulled me aside in the venue's kitchen and was giggling. I thought she was going to tell me a funny joke or something - well, in retrospect, it was but anyway...
She said, "Now that he has married me, I can get AS FAT AS I WANT and he will still have to stay with me... because we got MARRIED!"
No joke. She said it. Out loud.
I about died........
PS - and yes, she got up to about 300lbs, they were never able to conceive as a result and she refused to lose the weight...... last I heard they were still married but who knows.....
A guy I dated told me about a woman he knew who did this repeatedly. She'd get married, gain 200 pounds, and then eventually she'd get divorced and diet down again so she could catch a new husband. She was on husband #3 when he told me this.
I suspect being fat wasn't the reason she kept getting divorced. I'm betting she has hardcore issues.0 -
I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THESE WOMEN0
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Don't guys do it too?0
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if both people have a very minimal sexual drive and it's not important to either of them, then that is a healthy sex life for THEM. one isnt left out, one isnt being pressured for more. If two people are asexual and dont want that kind of relationship in their marriage, then mutual agreement on this is VITAL. if two people have an insatiable libido, they need to know their partner can keep up and wants to. For them, this is a healthy sex life.
So saying that having a healthy sex life is not always important is a bit naive. The presence, absence, frequency and compatibility of sexual needs is directly connected to emotional needs and to say it's not a factor is ignorant. I wouldnt say a healthy marriage requires two people that are attracted to each other, so much as a healthy marriage being one that includes sexual compatibility.0 -
Sex and sexual attraction, in my.opinion, are incredibly important.0
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Whether you need it or dont need it, want it or dont want it, your partner and you HAVE to be on the same page. So anyone saying it doesnt matter is ignorant.0
