I'm curious to know if there's anyone else out there who is consistently at war with themselves over the idea of dating. Because m ex left me with deep trust issues that keep me from wanting to get close to anyone, but at the same time I can't help but go through every day wishing I could find someone.

I think 90% of the people are like this after a bad break up if they feel they have been betrayed. At least for a few months.

If its been two years you may need to seek some professional help. A breakup shouldn't affect you for two years...at least that is what logic says.

If it's been two years, you need to seek professional help, like mentionned before me. I've seen some red flags in what you wrote, if you can't be happy on your own, how can you be happy with someone?

A guy I am dating is this right now which makes it really hard for me. He has major trust issues from his ex so isn't really trusting of me ... I have to keep reminding him I'm not her ... but he doesn't know what he wants because of this. He wants to be with me but can't commit because he doesn't know what he wants.

If its been two years you may need to seek some professional help. A breakup shouldn't affect you for two years...at least that is what logic says.

I respectfully disagree. I believe any breakup, especially ones involving a relationship in which you were very emotionally vested, will affect you for your entire life. And if they don't, then you have emotional detachment issues. Experiences will always change you in some way. This goes for any (especially major) life event: divorce (personal or parental), death, near death, illness, car accident, college acceptance, etc. The huge problem with people today is that they have no sense of commitment or covenant. An engagement is commitment to enter a covenant, one that shouldn't be taken lightly by anybody. Unfortunately, in this post-modern, narcissistic society, people break these kinds of promises all the time without regards. This leaves, for good reason, the person who intended to keep said promise impacted the most.

But you are right in implying that there are unhealthy ways of holding on to a relationship, but because I let that relationship go doesn't mean the affects are just going to disappear.

I have no idea what the proper time limit is but your current attitude sucks. You not only seem to have a disdain for women but towards a society that you view as narcissistic. Based on what you've written you are either deeply hurting or are in fact self-centered and highly narcissistic yourself. You seem to have contempt for the world for not meeting your expectations. You can only control your actions not those of others. If you really have a contempt for the behavior of society at large, I would be inclined to believe the problem is actually you.

If you are merely upset from the past experience and it is manifesting itself as anger toward some anonymous idea, that is understandable as well. In either case, you are very likely to reinforce the idea that commitment means nothing and people are narcissistic under your current mindset. I'm sorry but no reasonable person goes out looking for a relationship because they are hoping to find someone broken and in need of salvation. People seek relationships because they believe that their life will improve with the addition of someone else (call it selfish if you will). You cannot possibly be an improvement to any healthy persons life under with the mindset you provided in your posts here. Until that's fixed, I would suggest not dating or looking for more than something casual with no long term expectations.

I respectfully disagree. I believe any breakup, especially ones involving a relationship in which you were very emotionally vested, will affect you for your entire life. And if they don't, then you have emotional detachment issues. Experiences will always change you in some way.

I think the issue here is HOW you let them affect you.
You seem bitter and angry.... after two years one would think you should be over the bitterness, anger, and resentment... and have moved on and started to work on you. What did I do wrong in this? What is my past experiences as a whole - are there similarities to the issues/women? What are my values/morals, boundaries? etc. So that you are the best you can be, and when you move on you attract the right people instead of the wrong people.

She may have broke your heart by screwing up, but I don't believe for a second you didn't even play a small role somehow. We always all do, there is not a person on this entire earth that doesn't have something they need to work on - whether it be directly related to why the relationship collapsed or just as a person in general.

So again, sure I can see how it can affect you, but by now I would hope you are taking the ****ty experiences and filing them in your memory ... so when you get back on the horse you won't make the same mistakes twice!

@Anna - you never "go over" a big break up because it is a part of you, but you should also give a chance to the new people coming into your life... Someone can never compare to a cherished memory, especially when that memory has been embellished by the years.
And no, you are never "rejected without reason". There are reasons, and maybe people are just too proud to hear them, or maybe people are just too shy to tell them, but they are reasons. At any rate you weren't the right person for him or he wasn't going to be happy with you, or make you happy in the long term.

What I meant was, if you dont know/aren't told the reason. You can be swimming along in a relationship quite happily and then the person ups and leaves, without another word. That's distressing and heart breaking as you tend to dissect your whole being wondering WTF happened.

If you can just say 'oh, s/he must not have liked me then' and move on without question, then I doubt you were in love in the first place!!

Some people go their whole lives just being in love with one person. It's not news. Look at Queen Victoria. Love is not a throw away state of mind.

The huge problem with people today is that they have no sense of commitment or covenant. An engagement is commitment to enter a covenant, one that shouldn't be taken lightly by anybody.

This makes you sound bitter and pessimistic, dbrightwell12 made some good points. I'm sorry you went through a bad breakup, and I'm not sure how long you were together for, but after two years it's time to let go. There is no problem with people today, the problem is you blaming everyone else for one relationship that didn't work out.

I'm going to spell this out for you. The reason dbrightwell12 thinks that you are narcissistic is that you've never once (in this thread at least) claimed any sort of responsibility. Now, I don't know why you broke up and it doesn't matter, but I hope the two of you talked about it in great detail. You need to stop dwelling on the fact that she went back on her commitment, just because you convinced her to marry you at one point doesn't mean she can never change her mind. Instead take it as constructive criticism and use it as a learning experience for how you can make yourself better.

I've been cheated on, lied to, and broken up with more times that I care to count, but every time it happens it just makes me stronger and smarter. Like anything else when you fail at something or get knocked down, figure out what you did wrong, dust yourself off, get up and try again while trying not to make the same mistakes the next time.

I don't have a lot of dating experience but like most everyone I've been rejected and though the relationship wasn't nearly as deep as yours, I understand why it would make you wary. I've just started reading a book "Boundaries in Dating" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and am finding it really helpful, encouraging, informative etc. (and written from a Christian perspective).

My other thought to offer is that as you've found grace to be so powerful in your own life and spiritual growth, I'd challenge you to think on if you extended grace to others and how that can impact them and yourself. If by being distrustful of women in general, because of how this one woman treated you, is keeping you from having relationships with women (be it dating relationships, eventually a marriage, but also female friends, coworkers, neighbor, etc...) then you are being held back from the fullness of life. So if you offer grace by giving people a chance, forgiving when they make mistakes but at the same time, having strong boundaries and knowing what is ok to accept, and what can be forgiven but the relationship should end... how powerful that is.

At first I thought this was just another unrequited love thread, where the OP wanted to commiserate a bit with likeminded souls. Fair enough. We've all been there: stiff upper lip, get back on that horse, tomorrow is another day, yada, yada, yada. But then it took a very interesting turn into theology town:

Life is a complicated system of experiences and responses. Most behavioral traits are learned, not inherent. To reduce a person down to a single experience (especially one that occurred in adulthood) would be to oversimplify their life. I'd be lying if I said I had a hard life, but I'd also be lying if I said I had an easy one. Everyone has struggles and burdens.

Of course you are absolutely correct, if a bit verbose. You could have simply written: We learn from our experiences. But I'm with you so far.

The important thing is to take our knowledge and past experiences and use them to teach others.

I would say the important thing is to learn from our own experiences. To know ourselves. I'm not a huge fan of teaching others. Perhaps offering advice or encouragement at times, sure, but everyone must find their own unique path to happiness.

The experience with my ex was two fold. It encouraged a general distrust I had towards people that I tried to conquer via letting her in in the first place (the bad). But it also lead me down a path that turned me away from false Christianity, and for the first time in a lifetime of church attendance, I discovered the gospel of grace. I pray that the fact I don't let people get too close to me doesn't stop me from showing them grace (though I know it's hindering its progress). However, I'm confident that if I was fortunate enough to be shown such grace, that one day I will be molded and shaped into a man I can be proud of. Until then it's baby steps out of the muck and mire.

I'm always amazed at the contradiction that exists at the heart of any true Christian: humans are insignificant nothings, born into sin, into the "muck and mire," and yet, and yet.... can read the mind of God! Can know, with certainty, which version of Christianity is "false" and which is true. The proudest monkeys! Oh to have the ego of a true Christian! To know the mind of God! You are a true Ubermensch.

A word about my general bitterness towards the world.

Lots of people are bitter at the world. Especially 25 year old males who have been dumped by a girl. It happens. But the world doesn't give a damn. You could have also written that you're bitter towards your toaster. The logic is the same. The world doesn't evolve around you. Be bitter that 80% of the world lives on less than 10 USD per day. Be bitter that 22,000 children die EACH DAY due to poverty. Be bitter that 1.4 million children die each year due to lack of access to sanitary water. These are preventable deaths. That is the world in which we live.

My comment about post-modern narcissism is not anger manifested, but rather the narcissism I see in the world brings about anger. This is completely theological in nature.

Wait, didn't you just say that you can identify "false" religions? And hence can read the mind of God? And yet you are talking about "post-modern narcissism"? A bit cheeky, wouldn't you agree?

I grew up in the charismatic church that (without knowing it) taught a works based righteousness.

Ok, as Christianity goes, this seems to be a palpable variant: the deeds make the man. I'm down with that. Keep on preaching, bro...

When I discovered justification by faith alone through grace alone, I was finally exposed to true biblical teaching (which pointed out my own filthiness).

Aaaaaaannnnd, we're gone.... By faith alone??? Oh lawdy, lawdy. So salvation comes from believing without proof. And yet you began this post discussing how your life is about experiences and responses. How do you experience life? Not by faith that you exist, but through interaction with the world. Your eyes, your ears, touch. And you claim to have "discovered" this fundamental truth. How? What evidence convinced you that faith = salvation?

After spending 23 years thinking I was a pretty good person, realizing that your righteousness is a filthy menstrual rag compared to God's righteousness adds some perspective.

I appreciate your brevity here. You've nicely demonstrated the masochistic, misogynistic core of Christianity. We are all filthy slaves delivered from a disgusting female birth canal.

So I have general frustration for teachers who spout and encourage the "general goodness" of people, which is post-modern attitude that is antithetical to scripture which states that humans are wicked by nature (see Rom 1-3). The epidemic is post-modern and narcissistic as characterized by those in the church even turning to teaching that "having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions" (see 2 Tim 4). But at the same time my heart breaks for those people because I was one of them too! So I'm trying to figure out ways in which to help them, but it's not hard in this world to feel small and defeated.

Dude, you don't need to help anyone. Please. Focus on yourself. For God's sake don't go around preaching how we're all evil and going to burn in hell. It definitely won't help your chances of getting laid. Something you desperately need to do. While I applaud your willingness to philosophise about the world in which we all live, your logic is fundamentally flawed.

I know I'll get a lot of disagreement to this viewpoint, but arguing with me about would only yield frustration as I believe the bible to be my the written word of God and the only revelation of God's will to man. If my perspective is wrong and you'd like to argue using scripture as authority, I'm game.

I have no desire to argue with you with "scripture as authority." We might as well argue if Middle-earth exists with Lord of the Rings as authority.

I'm not sure how this thread derailed into a scripture fest. My guess is that you're a young man of above average intelligence, and you are very confused and uncertain about your own theology. And hence you think you want to correct us in the true faith, but subconsciously you seek to reassure yourself. Again, this process is more about you, not us.

Sadly, you think too much to be a happy Christian. And your philosophy is bad. It's not going to be easy to find a girlfriend when you are so confused about who you are, why you are here, and what you can do during your brief, probably only, life on our insignificant little planet, tucked into an incomprehensibly large, uncaring, and yet amazing, universe.

Good luck to you, however. At least you're trying to figure it all out. So you're already ahead of 99% of the population.

--P

But your argument is flawed. The Bible is the very word of God. So there's no great mystery of what his will is. It's really not rocket science. He made it pretty easy for us. And to figure out what it really says only takes a little studying, of which people more intelligent than you or I have been doing for thousands of years.

If you don't believe that, that's fine. But anyone who calls themselves a Christian has an obligation to properly handle the book without adding anything to it, taking away from it, or reading anything into it.

Christians have been "adding" and 'taking away" from the New Testament for 2000 years, as Biblical scholars - even Christian scholars - will attest. The Bible wasn't written as one book, but was put together as a collection of stories (gospels), and those stories changed over time, sometimes subtly, sometimes significantly, typically to reflect prevailing dogma. We know this because the earliest versions of the gospels we have (and even those were written a couple hundred years after the events supposedly happened) do not include many of the stories that appear today. So some fables were added later, and are hence interpolations.

To give one example, the fable of the adulteress, where Jesus asks, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," does not appear in any of the Greek Biblical texts we have before the 5th century. Zippo. Nada. And then, lo and behold, after the 5th century, the story appears, and is copied by scribes and eventually included in all versions. It's a miracle! Or a cheeky scribe who wanted to include a parable that supported a viewpoint he wanted to propagate. Which is more likely?

Even the existing fables in our modern Bible - the version you probably read today - contradict each other, as reading Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John in parallel will attest. How can you claim infallibility when religious texts contradict each other! Makes no sense. Again, a poorly argued hypothesis.

The noted Biblical scholar Bart Ehrman gives many examples of this in his book, "Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why." If you claim the Bible is the very word of God, as a thinking person, you need to explain which version out of thousands that have appeared over 2000 years is the word of God. They can't all be true, since they are different. As a thinking person, perhaps start there? If I believed a book contained the exact words of God, I'd at least make an attempt to explain why my modern version, in English, is the closest to the originals, written in Greek. That would be very important to me, if I was serious about my religion. Perhaps I'd even study Greek. Again, we are talking about the original word of God, wouldn't it make sense to read Him in the original (at least for the New Testament)?

I'm not even going to bother with the Old Testament, written 2600 - 3000 years ago by people for whom a wheelbarrow was an advanced piece of technology, and for whom slavery and genocide were the norm. If, for example, you want to believe Noah died when he was 950 years old after building an ark that housed two of every animal species in the world to save civilisation from a flood that engulfed our entire planet, well, what can I say? Better to smile and slowly walk away, not making too many sudden movements.... :-)

But I've already written waaaaay too much on this. I have no desire to debate religion with you, certainly not on a fitness singles site.... :-) So this will be my last post on this topic in this thread.

Again, good luck to you in finding a significant other! Hope you find true happiness in this world. I really do.

I had a physics professor in college who, when experiments failed to support a hypothesis, always said, "Check your assumptions." Sage advice, for those willing to listen.

--P

Marcus,

All I can say that others haven't yet is this:

I don't totally disagree with you, and I don't have any hostility over your POV. In fact, I'm 27 and am in a similar boat. But here's the thing...please, please watch out because there is a whole industry that tries to cater to guys in this sort of situation. If you start reading all the advice and everything, you're just going to get more disenchanted with society and/or women. There's a whole industry that is based on the idea that guys should never be civil to women, should always make fun of them, etc. But it's a lot of nonsense that's based on ideas that got warped by people adding their own 2 cents and then seeing how their results measured up against their ideal. It's not scientific.

I'm an eternal optimist (not sure how I do it, but I do, and wouldn't have it any other way) so I haven't let those people or that industry tear me down the way some people might. I just thought I'd mention it because you sound vulnerable to that right now. I've been there...I tried drinking their kool-aide, but it tasted like feces!

Stick to your beliefs, do what you need to do. All will be fine. You don't need our advice on this matter, trust me.