Sexual Calorie Counter

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research I am proud to present the results:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent………………….12 Calories
Without her consent…………….187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands……………………8 Calories
With one hand………………………12 Calories
With your teeth…………………….85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection……………………6 Calories
Without an erection………………315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the *kitten*……….8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot……..92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary…………………………….12 Calories
69 lying down………………………..78 Calories
69 standing up………………………112 Calories
Wheelbarrow……………………….216 Calories
Doggy Style……………………………326 Calories
Italian Chandelier………………….912 Calories

ORGASMIC:
Real……………………………………….112 Calories
Fake……………………………………….315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed spooning……………18 Calories
Getting up immediately………..36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately………….816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
20-29 years old……………………….36 Calories
30-39 years old……………………….80 Calories
40-49 years old………………………124 Calories
50-59 years old………………………972 Calories
60-69 years old………………………2916 Calories
70 and over…………………………Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly……………………………………….32 Calories
In a hurry…………………………………..98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door………………..1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door…………………3521 Calories

ALL HAIL THE HAT!