I kinda miss it...venting...sorry
SilverLotusGirl
Posts: 537 Member
This might be a bit triggering, and sorry if it is, I'm not exactly in the best headspace but the past 4 months I've lost weight, not sure how much since I measure with pics and my SO's shirts, but it's also the longest I've gone on a weightloss plan that was healthy but I still have a lot of the same mentalities. I hate going over, I exercise all the time, sometimes, I do probably over do it, but it's hard to get fat if you're active. But I recently had a night when having too much rice at dinner sent me into a mental tail spin of wanting to cry, purge, and binge at the same time. I ended up watching hours of movies and documentaries and tv shows on eating disorders and I remember pics of how I used to look and I miss certain things. I know those shows might not be the healthiest thing to watch but they help me feel no so alone when I get that way. Part of me kinda misses not eating and beating my body and I miss how thin I used to be. I used to be happy or at least I remember being happier because shopping was fun and I knew I looked better than I ever had. I want that body back and that control, I just hope I can do it in a way that doesn't wreck my metabolism. It sucks but I guess you never really fully get over an eating disorder.
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i'm the same way 110%. i always find myself looking through pictures of me when i was at my lowest. i miss it so much and sometime really want to go back. i totally how how you feel.0
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I understand...but I am a bit older and now see the destruction I have put my body through over the years. Now I go on healthy...
and yeah, I was underweight for so many years...then got my head (kind of) screwed on straight, gained some over 20 years, went to lose some, and wound back in the depths of ED...but I recognized it for what it was, and sought help again.
And through my nutritionist and doctors, I actually feel stronger than I ever have in my entire life...and wait for it...I initially gained about 5 lbs...and then lost almost 15, so 10 pounds down from the initial restriction this time around.
But I feel strong, and healthy...and you know what...eating...and eating healthy... takes some planning for me since I have a high stress job (as you do too) to pack my days worth of food at night...and yeah, I have some low days too still...but I go on the weekly calories instead of daily (tends to take some of the stress off?)
And yeah, I look at the old pics sometimes and I don't really know how they make me feel some days....sad that I spent/wasted so many years of my life, and then also, not sure of the words here, but appreciating the "look"...but I also know how unhealthy it was, and now pay the price for it? Brittle bones, IBS, and a whole lot of other crap I should not be dealing with at my age.
I know where you are coming from, and I understand completely...kind of mind numbing overwhelming at times too?
And not to be an *kitten*, but are you in any kind of therapy? It does help with the mindset *kitten*?
And don't watch the damn movies and such that trigger you...seriously. I can't even watch a damn cooking channel anymore...
and in my opinion (and everyone is different) ED (whatever form or whatnot you have) is all about the control...why not give a little bit up for your life? And you did say you are eating healthy for once, and recovery takes time...
trust me, you think you got your *kitten* together for 20 years, and the ED rears its ugly *kitten* head...humbling I think..and makes you take stock of your life and what we really want out of it?
So I say stay on the healthy path, stick with it as much as you can and seek counseling if you are not currently doing so?
best of luck and {{HUGS}} it is not an easy path to travel and sometimes we step off the path, but all of the little branches do lead back onto the path to recovery?
Not sure if it helped or not, but I do understand exactly where you are coming from...and I am 42 years old and have struggled for the past 20 years...but now I am completely on the path...and nothing is going to stop me now...
hang in there princess....baby steps to the path...:flowerforyou:0 -
I'm kinda in therapy. I drag my feet about scheduling for a few reasons...money, my work schedule, transportation, but I'm on the antidepressants and that helps. I'm able to pull myself out faster.
I'm dealing with IBS now myself that started after my restricting got bad. It still bothers me now from time to time. I do wonder if my metabolism is now just fraked beyond fixing but I hope not.
I probably do need to see my therapist again. I don't see it hurting anything. But in a lot of ways, I get a lot of therapeutic feelings from the shows and docs. Non of them are pro Ed so there's always a huge part in them about healthy eating and not demonizing food but I end up relating to girls so much and in ways that I can't really relate to most other people.
I'm not sure what to do, but more crap in my life is threatening to go all topsy turvy and I'm trying to stay cool. I know that none of my goals, for health, vanity, or the future will happen if I end up eating 800 calories and doing two hours of exercise a day again.0 -
I'm feeling the same.
I just posted a blog about it.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/Edsaysimfat
I'm glad im not the only one that finds this so hard. I knew I couldn't be, but i'd never tried reading a message bored before.
And you're right. It never really goes away. Its a daily battle, and probably will be for the rest of my (your) life.
I'm glad I found a group where I can seek support.0 -
well ED**** and Time*** , welcome aboard. stay strong, stay healthy...and they do say we can actually recover one day...I thought I was ok for 20 years, and then NOT...but I had a great 20 years without listening (not even an ED whisper)...but life happens and unfortunately it seems to be some sort of subconscious coping mechanism for stress and ****? I don't have the answers, still searching myself?
but welcome aboard and stay strong in mind and body...and I seriously hate the "end your day" freaking button, somedays it tells me I am starving myself, and others it tells me I am going to be a fat *kitten* in 5 weeks? but eh, I go on my weekly averages, and I seem to be doing ok.
and pretty soon, I will log at the end of the day and see how close I was? and then to no logging at all if I can maintain (now I started with a 'couple' of extra pounds anyways?
but I feel strong, stronger than ever...and I am going on 43, grandmother of 3, and this is the best I have ever felt? I actually did 10 regular pushups the other day, and it felt great, and strong. and actually a bit chest thumping empowering for me
I read your blog ED***, stay strong and kick ED to the curb, you are young and have your entire life ahead of you :flowerforyou: and I know it is tough.
check in here once in awhile and let us know how you are doing? I tend to avoid the main boards a bit, but I do check in here about once a week {{HUGS}} you lovely ladies stay strong!0
