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raige123
raige123 Posts: 352
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Been watching a lot of videos from a dating coach from England ... I think his name is Matthew Hussey. In one when asked why guys who show alot of interest up front, but when a girl starts to reciprocate the interest, why do men pull away ... was it because men like the chase and when they catch what they want, it's not fun anymore. His reply was basically that a woman that doesn't want him has never been a turn on for him so no, but what he said happens is this:

Men are attracted to women because of who they are when they meet them. They like the qualities the woman possesses at that time. But for a woman, when she decides she likes a man back, that man typically becomes a large part of that woman's life and she starts to give up the parts of herself that attracted the man to her in the first place, which is why most men pull back.

I'm curious to know everyone's thoughts on this because I can see this as having been a downfall with some of my dating tries over the years.
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Replies

  • Tube_socks
    Tube_socks Posts: 808 Member
    I try to keep a little mystery even when dating someone for a while. I won't play games but I will try to keep myself busy so that he doesn't become my whole world as I don't think that's healthy. I also am careful in not being emotionally slutty (sex and the city).
    I just say, the right guy isn't going to lose interest in me when I show my feelings. He will actually be pleased. So as long as I'm being healthy (NOT codependent), keep balance, if he's really into ME, not into the chase game, there should be no problem.

    If a guy made me his whole world early on, it'd freak me out as well!
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    But for a woman, when she decides she likes a man back, that man typically becomes a large part of that woman's life and she starts to give up the parts of herself that attracted the man to her in the first place, which is why most men pull back.

    I believe in compromise and teaching one another new things in relationships, but to truly give up who you are just because you are in a relationship doesn't sit well with me. It screams of personal insecurity and perhaps that is why the guys pull away?
  • raige123
    raige123 Posts: 352
    But for a woman, when she decides she likes a man back, that man typically becomes a large part of that woman's life and she starts to give up the parts of herself that attracted the man to her in the first place, which is why most men pull back.

    I believe in compromise and teaching one another new things in relationships, but to truly give up who you are just because you are in a relationship doesn't sit well with me. It screams of personal insecurity and perhaps that is why the guys pull away?

    I know for me, how I can relate ... I was in a relationship with a guy for 8 months. I was very big into the gym and being healthy (why I am on this site) ... he wasn't a gym go'er and although a diabetic could have made better food choices. He slowly led me away from the gym ... kind of made me feel guilty I wasn't always available to hang out so my 5-6 days a week at the gym because 3-4, then 2, then 1 then the next thing I knew I wasn't going to the gym anymore and my diet had gone all to hell. Here I am almost 3 months out of that relationship, having gained almost 30 lbs and trying to get remotivated to start over.

    I will fully admit I do have insecurities brought on by abusive relationships in my past and I still allow men to have too much power over me (trying very hard to work on this).
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    I agree with another poster that maybe it is becuase they liked that independent'ness you had before..I am not sure.
    I am with tubesocks - I also believe that if the man and women are both healthy and looking for a relationship that one wouldn't be scared away by wanting to spend more time, sharing feelings, etc.

    Obvisously that doesn't mean giving up everything for that person. I find it somewhat easier for me becuase I have my kids and they will always come first. I also have my gym I do 3 nights a week, and unless something special is happening I don't waiver from that.

    I would say though as the relationship grows you HAVE to spend more time together, but maybe you would integrate your activities, etc. I have been with my bf for 4 months now and we do alot together - I would say one night a week, then mainly all weekend between his work schedule of weekends. I still do what I want - if I have plans with the friends I do so, and we work around it or he comes along.

    i haven't given up what I love to do, my kids, or my friends.... I just either involve him in it or make other plans at a better time for us. Maybe the guys, in question, get turned off becuase these women want their affection 7 days a week? I wouldn't have time for that from a man, I need a healthy balance!

    haha I think I went on a tangent there
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
    sounds like women need to stop changing who they are when they are in relationships. be yourself.

    i wouldnt be surprised if most of this issue was started by those silly "rules" books for women
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    i wouldnt be surprised if most of this issue was started by those silly "rules" books for women

    :laugh: Probably very true.
  • flimflamfloz
    flimflamfloz Posts: 1,980 Member
    when a girl starts to reciprocate the interest, why do men pull away ... was it because men like the chase and when they catch what they want, it's not fun anymore. His reply was basically that a woman that doesn't want him has never been a turn on for him so no
    At least, he doesn't say the same BS as everyone else - "Men like the chase!".

    Here is a hint for all the women of the world who want to do something for men than they like even more than the chase - while we do appreciate your efforts in wanting to please us by allowing us to chase you, I think you could do better than that.
    I've heard from reliable source that men like to have their rooster sucked without having to chase at all even more than they do like to chase.
    So don't be an half-altruist, and please men even more today!
    Men are attracted to women because of who they are when they meet them. They like the qualities the woman possesses at that time. But for a woman, when she decides she likes a man back, that man typically becomes a large part of that woman's life and she starts to give up the parts of herself that attracted the man to her in the first place, which is why most men pull back.
    I don't have much an opinion on this part. Maybe I should think about it more, but it sounds a little bit "old school" to me (as something that my parents/grandparents would have done).

    I keep doing my "own stuff" anyway when I'm in relationships, so I suppose I only date independent women who can have their own life, activities, etc. and share some of these with me.
  • TyTy76
    TyTy76 Posts: 1,761 Member
    Dating is not that complicated, quit making it that way..
  • 4themoney
    4themoney Posts: 797 Member

    I know for me, how I can relate ... I was in a relationship with a guy for 8 months. I was very big into the gym and being healthy (why I am on this site) ... he wasn't a gym go'er and although a diabetic could have made better food choices. He slowly led me away from the gym ... kind of made me feel guilty I wasn't always available to hang out so my 5-6 days a week at the gym because 3-4, then 2, then 1 then the next thing I knew I wasn't going to the gym anymore and my diet had gone all to hell. Here I am almost 3 months out of that relationship, having gained almost 30 lbs and trying to get remotivated to start over.

    I will fully admit I do have insecurities brought on by abusive relationships in my past and I still allow men to have too much power over me (trying very hard to work on this).


    THIS IS AN ISSUE!

    You need to find a way to balance bringing someone into your world, while not losing yourself in the process. If you know you are prone to giving men too much power over you, you need to stop dating and work on yourself for a bit. Nothing will change in that department until you figure out WHY you do this and HOW to stop it.

    The book "Why Does He Do That" is great for anyone that was every in an abusive relationship, or knows someone that was/ is. It also helps you ( at the end) identify the "red flags." You need to figure out your WHY in every situation. WHY are you doing what you're done? WHY are you making that choice vs another? WHY are you dating THIS guy when he is the reason you can no longer do things you love like get to the gym? WHY are you ok gaining weight because you're dating someone? Just keep working on your WHY with every single interaction, relationship, choice, etc.
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    Been watching a lot of videos from a dating coach from England ... I think his name is Matthew Hussey. In one when asked why guys who show alot of interest up front, but when a girl starts to reciprocate the interest, why do men pull away ... was it because men like the chase and when they catch what they want, it's not fun anymore. His reply was basically that a woman that doesn't want him has never been a turn on for him so no, but what he said happens is this:
    In my experience it's not about the chase, maybe a little, but we don't lose interest only because a woman shows interest. We lose interest because when a woman begins to show interest she starts acting all cray cray and will freak out if you haven't texted her back within 5 minutes or something to that extent. It starts getting weird and stops being fun.
    Men are attracted to women because of who they are when they meet them. They like the qualities the woman possesses at that time. But for a woman, when she decides she likes a man back, that man typically becomes a large part of that woman's life and she starts to give up the parts of herself that attracted the man to her in the first place, which is why most men pull back.

    I'm curious to know everyone's thoughts on this because I can see this as having been a downfall with some of my dating tries over the years.
    I think we've all been there, not just women. I've hardly been to the gym at all since I've started dating my girlfriend. I don't blame her for it, I'm perfectly capable of going whenever I want, I just don't have the same motivational urgency as I did when i was single.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    sounds like women need to stop changing who they are when they are in relationships. be yourself.

    Logically - When a woman is not in a relationship, there isn't someone to do special things for, there isn't someone to think about, there isn't anyone to want to spend time with in only the way you can with a "partner"
    (EXCEPT, herself and family etc)

    So when you get into relationship,, duh that's what a woman's going to do the things she wasn't able to do when she wasn't in one.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    Dating is not that complicated, quit making it that way..
    Yes - I sure hope it's not. otherwise I'm switching teams. :)
  • poncho33
    poncho33 Posts: 1,511
    Dating is not that complicated, quit making it that way..

    I agree with this... I think these "experts" are trying to make a science of dating, plus they make their living this way. This doesn't need to be complicated. Either their into you and they do things to prove it, or their not and they leave you with questions. Every situation is different, but you will save yourself the headache if you let those that leave you stumped go.... I'd also eliminate 3rd chances from your dating playbook.
  • OperationSuperKAT
    OperationSuperKAT Posts: 886 Member
    I think that everyone these days is obsessed with being perfect. Have the perfect job, have the perfect body, be the perfect dater! It seems to me that all of this "self-help" stuff tends to do more harm than good, because all it does is treat symptoms, not the problem. The reason some women try so damn hard to make a man like her by doing everything he enjoys and acting her way into a relationship is insecurity. These women don't like themselves enough to truly believe that they deserve someone who loves them for who they actually are, which is so unfortunate, because there are very few women (or men for that matter!) who really don't have the capacity to love someone and be loved in return.

    My dating advice? Stop changing for a man. Date men YOU like, not just men who happen to like you. Like yourself and stay busy. Take time to develop your own passions and interests. Once you are at a place where you are happy with yourself it really doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not and when you do get into one, you won't have to worry about him pulling away once he figures out who you really are, because he'll already know.

    Obviously you don't have to listen to me! I'm just speaking from personal experience -- most of the time I'm so busy I don't even have time to think about my relationship status. If I meet the love of my life tomorrow, great! If it takes another 10 to 20 years, great! I'm developing a very happy and fulfilling life right here all by myself :flowerforyou:
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    I think that everyone these days is obsessed with being perfect. Have the perfect job, have the perfect body, be the perfect dater! It seems to me that all of this "self-help" stuff tends to do more harm than good, because all it does is treat symptoms, not the problem. The reason some women try so damn hard to make a man like her by doing everything he enjoys and acting her way into a relationship is insecurity. These women don't like themselves enough to truly believe that they deserve someone who loves them for who they actually are, which is so unfortunate, because there are very few women (or men for that matter!) who really don't have the capacity to love someone and be loved in return.

    My dating advice? Stop changing for a man. Date men YOU like, not just men who happen to like you. Like yourself and stay busy. Take time to develop your own passions and interests. Once you are at a place where you are happy with yourself it really doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not and when you do get into one, you won't have to worry about him pulling away once he figures out who you really are, because he'll already know.

    Obviously you don't have to listen to me! I'm just speaking from personal experience -- most of the time I'm so busy I don't even have time to think about my relationship status. If I meet the love of my life tomorrow, great! If it takes another 10 to 20 years, great! I'm developing a very happy and fulfilling life right here all by myself :flowerforyou:

    Very well said Kate!
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
    There's also a very good chance that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the woman or what she is doing. Sometimes we just don't know what we want. A smile and a pretty face will distract us for a bit and then we realize we have no idea what we are doing there.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    I think that everyone these days is obsessed with being perfect. Have the perfect job, have the perfect body, be the perfect dater! It seems to me that all of this "self-help" stuff tends to do more harm than good, because all it does is treat symptoms, not the problem. The reason some women try so damn hard to make a man like her by doing everything he enjoys and acting her way into a relationship is insecurity. These women don't like themselves enough to truly believe that they deserve someone who loves them for who they actually are, which is so unfortunate, because there are very few women (or men for that matter!) who really don't have the capacity to love someone and be loved in return.

    My dating advice? Stop changing for a man. Date men YOU like, not just men who happen to like you. Like yourself and stay busy. Take time to develop your own passions and interests. Once you are at a place where you are happy with yourself it really doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not and when you do get into one, you won't have to worry about him pulling away once he figures out who you really are, because he'll already know.

    Obviously you don't have to listen to me! I'm just speaking from personal experience -- most of the time I'm so busy I don't even have time to think about my relationship status. If I meet the love of my life tomorrow, great! If it takes another 10 to 20 years, great! I'm developing a very happy and fulfilling life right here all by myself :flowerforyou:

    Very well said Kate!

    Agreed!!!!
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    Either their into you and they do things to prove it, or their not and they leave you with questions. Every situation is different, but you will save yourself the headache if you let those that leave you stumped go....

    Yup, finally found a man who doesn't leave me with questions :)

    It is just a pleasant experience! one worth letting a so-so man go to find!
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
    I think the number one reason why relationships break down is because people change!! That can happen in the short term or over the ensuing years.

    If you change yourself to only please your partner (not yourself), do as your asked (instead of having a say), give everything and take nothing, then that can be creepy. And not attractive. And yes, I can see someone moving on because of that. (It's not just exclusively women that do this, men do it too!)

    Be yourself and let someone like you for you! And accept other people the way they are!! :flowerforyou:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
    Dating is not that complicated, quit making it that way..

    Have you tried dating lately??

    It's a minefield out there!!! :noway:

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