The Cinderella Conundrum Explained
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Prahasaurus
Posts: 1,381 Member
Well, my ex-wife decided to move away (long story), leaving me alone with our two kids (11 and 12). In a way it's a good thing, less drama. We had joint custody, but now it's just me. This was over a month ago. Fortunately, I have two great kids. Sure, it's a ton of work as any parent knows, but so far no major issues. They have good grades, friends, seem well adjusted.
It's just a bit overwhelming. Both my kids are sick this morning, seems to be a stomach virus. They are rarely ill, but unfortunately it's quite often that when one is sick, the other is, as well... I think I slept 3 hours last night. :-( Hockey season has started, and so my weekends are fully booked. And tonight is the first parent teacher conference. I'm going to have to run back and forth between different classrooms to meet everyone.
I'm self-employed, and I'm sure I'll be parting ways with my main client at the end of the month. They've decided to stop selling the solutions on which I primarily focus. It was good business, but a very small part of their overall revenue (they are a 1.5 billion USD company). And they deemed it too risky. Most of my clients are in the Middle East, which was always difficult for an American company to handle. They haven't said anything yet, but I'm 90% sure. In any case, I have a buffer so I can manage for at least a year without another job. It's just the feeling of uncertainty that is unsettling.
I now see why remarriage is so appealing to many people, especially those with kids. When I was younger, I never really understood why Cinderella's dad, if he was so kind and intelligent, married such a *****y second wife. But now I get it, the poor guy was probably desperate for help at home. :-) And no doubt this was a major problem in the Middle Ages, with so many women dying in childbirth. Hence the recurring theme in literature. The desperation that led to poor choices.
Nowadays, it's usually a problem that women have. I better understand how difficult it is to raise kids as a single parent, a burden that usually falls on the Mom. Plus, when I'm not focused on the kids and work, I'm rather lonely. The problem is that it's a catch-22: to find a partner who can help a bit, I need time to date. But I'm too busy with everything to date.
It seems that in every life there are a handful of inflection points where you transition into a new phase. I just have the feeling that I'm at one of those key points now in my life. Because, if for no other reason, in the words of Yeats, the centre cannot hold.
--P
It's just a bit overwhelming. Both my kids are sick this morning, seems to be a stomach virus. They are rarely ill, but unfortunately it's quite often that when one is sick, the other is, as well... I think I slept 3 hours last night. :-( Hockey season has started, and so my weekends are fully booked. And tonight is the first parent teacher conference. I'm going to have to run back and forth between different classrooms to meet everyone.
I'm self-employed, and I'm sure I'll be parting ways with my main client at the end of the month. They've decided to stop selling the solutions on which I primarily focus. It was good business, but a very small part of their overall revenue (they are a 1.5 billion USD company). And they deemed it too risky. Most of my clients are in the Middle East, which was always difficult for an American company to handle. They haven't said anything yet, but I'm 90% sure. In any case, I have a buffer so I can manage for at least a year without another job. It's just the feeling of uncertainty that is unsettling.
I now see why remarriage is so appealing to many people, especially those with kids. When I was younger, I never really understood why Cinderella's dad, if he was so kind and intelligent, married such a *****y second wife. But now I get it, the poor guy was probably desperate for help at home. :-) And no doubt this was a major problem in the Middle Ages, with so many women dying in childbirth. Hence the recurring theme in literature. The desperation that led to poor choices.
Nowadays, it's usually a problem that women have. I better understand how difficult it is to raise kids as a single parent, a burden that usually falls on the Mom. Plus, when I'm not focused on the kids and work, I'm rather lonely. The problem is that it's a catch-22: to find a partner who can help a bit, I need time to date. But I'm too busy with everything to date.
It seems that in every life there are a handful of inflection points where you transition into a new phase. I just have the feeling that I'm at one of those key points now in my life. Because, if for no other reason, in the words of Yeats, the centre cannot hold.
--P
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P - I'd like to say it gets easier, but it really doesn't. However, the good far outweighs the bad. It does get easier in some regards, though. The busy periods come in waves (mine is baseball season) and you learn to rely on friends.
The biggest thing is to make time for yourself. However you can and sometimes you have to be creative about it. For me it meant adjusting my work schedule so that I had every other Friday off. I also found a gym that had a daycare center so that they could still have fun while I had a bit of "quiet" time. As someone once told me, "If Momma isn't taken care of, nobody is". If you are worn down, emotionally or physically, you won't be able to take care of the kids as well.
Dating will come when the time is right. Get your schedule situated and make sure you have the time to commit to a woman. For me, I stop actively seeking dates during baseball season. It's not fair on a potential date because I'm at the fields 4-5 nights per week. So, maybe hockey season is just a time you can get to know yourself, enjoy time with the boys and give them a little extra attention. Even though they seem to be well adjusted, I'm sure they are having some issues with your ex leaving. Just make sure they know you are there and not going anywhere.
Anywho.... that was a lot longer than I intended and a lot more jumbled (need coffee, sorry). Kudos to you, though. It sounds like you are doing wonderful. It's a thankless, stressful job, but you've got this.
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I agree with run..... As frustrating as is it it is well worth the bennifits. However you have to learn to take a little time for yourself...... Why do you think women are so fond of bubble baths at the end of the day. It help you unwind. A beer a book and a nice hot bath this are keys to happiness for most women0
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You, sir, are not alone.
And then, on top of all of that, I have to worry about who I can trust. I actually couldn't trust my last boyfriend (he cheated on me and beat my children). I'm scared to death to try again.0 -
I have no idea the background of the situation, but am always impressed when a man steps in to be the primary caretaker. It's a level of commitment few men seem to be able to make in our current culture, so, I applaud you for that P!
As a single woman without children, your situation sounds like the ideal one for me to "date into" if that makes sense. I'd eventually like to have 1-2 kids of my own, but in the meantime, I'd be more than happy to have an instant family with the right guy. The fact that your ex is at a distance is also a huge plus in my opinion, much less drama that way. I don't know, just something to think about that maybe you should consider a different demographic to date if/when you have time?0 -
I have no idea the background of the situation, but am always impressed when a man steps in to be the primary caretaker. It's a level of commitment few men seem to be able to make in our current culture, so, I applaud you for that P!
As a single woman without children, your situation sounds like the ideal one for me to "date into" if that makes sense. I'd eventually like to have 1-2 kids of my own, but in the meantime, I'd be more than happy to have an instant family with the right guy. The fact that your ex is at a distance is also a huge plus in my opinion, much less drama that way. I don't know, just something to think about that maybe you should consider a different demographic to date if/when you have time?
I agree completely. I greatly admire a man who steps in to be the primary caretaker of his children. And when I'm older I would love to date a man with children.0 -
Well, instead of rushing into marrying a 'wicked stepmother' would you consider a house-keeper/nanny? Someone that could give you a few nights off and take care of the house so you free up some time?0
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I thought this thread was going to be about how drunk you have to be to lose a shoe at midnight.0
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this is an old thread, but i was actually thinking about this myself recently. in the past couple of months i have seen LOADS of people move in together, get engaged, get married, etc. and there i sit, still on the fence. i GET it, but it's not something i've been convinced I need to do.
i know two couples who met in may and got married in sept and oct. I know a couple more couples that just got engaged, after just a couple of months. and my ex is preparing to move in with his 26 yr old girlfriend and her 4 kids ( we have 5 together). it's left me shaking my head and wondering why i haven't moved on.
so, your Cinderella story works for me. I get why some people need to move on. I'm just not one of them :-) LOL!!!0 -
I have no idea the background of the situation, but am always impressed when a man steps in to be the primary caretaker. It's a level of commitment few men seem to be able to make in our current culture, so, I applaud you for that P!
I agree completely. I greatly admire a man who steps in to be the primary caretaker of his children. And when I'm older I would love to date a man with children.
I missed this the first time so let me just add my kudos too. Single parenting is not the easiest, but I've known some men who did it and told me it was the best decision they could ever have made.
I thought I was unhappy with no ex in the same state to mess things up, especially since he had given up physical custody during our divorce. Now that I've moved to where he is, I can't stand the impact his lack of consistency and attention is having on our son and I'm making plans to move away as soon as I can. Schedule juggling aside, life was MUCH easier without him around.this is an old thread, but i was actually thinking about this myself recently. in the past couple of months i have seen LOADS of people move in together, get engaged, get married, etc. and there i sit, still on the fence.
I know one girl who was upset because her husband was a widower and married her ONLY to take care of his 4 kids. Sad, sad, sad. When she first started complaining about marriage problems, I thought it was the usual adjustment period. A year later, he wasn't even bothering to pretend! He flat out told her he only married her for that- she left him.
When I run into an old acquaintance who has since divorced and is now living with a woman, I ask him if it's permanent. In 4 years of asking this question, only 1 man has ever intended to marry the woman he was with (the one Dave mentioned in another thread who kept the guy in line). The others like having the current girl around because she takes good care of him and his kids (when they visit- strangely, my single dad coworkers/friends all waited until their kids were older before moving on) and of course the "fun." I always think it's weird they tell me this- maybe they don't think of me as a female whose feelings would be hurt by this. I ask them if they think she feels the same way and they usually say something along the lines of "if she thought we were going to be permanent, she'd have insisted on getting married before moving in." Strange considering how less inhibited our culture is, but that's what they say.As a single woman without children, your situation sounds like the ideal one for me to "date into" if that makes sense. I'd eventually like to have 1-2 kids of my own, but in the meantime, I'd be more than happy to have an instant family with the right guy. The fact that your ex is at a distance is also a huge plus in my opinion, much less drama that way.
Agreed!!! Especially the ex being at a distance!!0
