She Doesn't Want To Be Exclusive- what do you think?
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
One of the sites I'm always talking about... http://argville.com/ had this post. What do you guys think about her situation and Victor's advice?
mila, 33, in cleveland:
howdy victor, why, is it that guys want to be exclusive – after the first or second date?? If i like them, i usually agree only to have the interest fade away, after about a week. What am i doing wrong? how can I tell a guy that I don’t want to be exclusive without offending him and him thinking that I’m not interested???
VictorM:
Two points:
1. People get attracted to the same type of person over and over. So, it’s not that all guys want to be exclusive — in fact, most men prefer to delay it; it’s that you are attracted to the same type of men and they are the type that go overboard in their attraction for a woman (not just you).
2. If you agree to their request because you fear offending them then you’re basically lying to them and sure enough, karma is not pleasant. You’re making a big mistake assuming the guy would be offended if you said you just want to casually date for a while. In fact, that’s exactly what you should say. If they feel offended, fine, you’re better off without them. Most guys will not be offended and will, mostly likely, find you more intriguing.
But going back to point 1, if you can afford a therapist, do it, because the only way to change who you get attracted to is by changing yourself. In any case, do try telling the guy you just want to casually date, chances are he’ll stick around longer.
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Well, firstly, unless Mila's last name is cummings, I think she should learn to use proper capitalisation.*
As to your question, it's hard to answer, as we lack information.
For example, is Mila 15, or 35? Is "being exclusive" a euphemism for having sex? Also, what is our sample size? Are we talking about 2-3 experiences of this type, or is Mila dating a new guy every month? If men perceive her as being a serial dater, that would obviously impact how they perceive her willingness to stay with them long term, and their strategy for maximising* their utility from any "relationship" (I use this word in a very loose sense, no pun intended) with her.
Finally, on a slightly unrelated note, VictorM's prose is atrocious. Or he needs a good editor. I can't believe this person actually makes money as a writer. Sloppy prose oftentimes means sloppy logic. Reader caution is definitely advised.
--P
*Damn you, British spell checker!
Edit: Aha, I just noticed that Mila is actually 33! Sloppy reading comprehension on my part, apologies to all... In that case, I think the problem is crystal clear: Mila is a grown woman with terrible grammar and punctuation. No self respecting man should want to be exclusive with such a woman, and therein lies the root of her problem. A solid grounding in proper English will see her through her current predicament, and lead her to a happy, stable, long-term relationship tout de suite.0 -
I think she analysed her own situation poorly, and her question is loaded with bad presumptions.
She thinks that men are losing interest because she agrees to be exclusive (and then proceeds to ask "how can I tell the men I like that I don't want to be exclusive, because if I accept exclusivity after they asked me for it, they are going to walk away" - it doesn't make much sense).
I think Victor saw this, but suggesting a therapist seems a bit over the top. She might just be inexperienced rather than "broken".
I am not sure men prefer to delay the commitment, especially if the woman has many opportunities and is considered attractive.0 -
That situation came up a lot with me. The men didn't necessarily want the label of boyfriend/girlfriend but they would say they didn't want to bother if I was talking to or seeing other guys. It didn't make any sense. And then they would be on me like white on rice, telling me they missed me, calling all the time only to poof in a few weeks. So it became hard for me to really take any of them seriously and I would go into it skeptically and not get swept up in their declarations because they were usually gone soon enough. I didn't agree though not to see others. I didn't say that I was actively searching but say if I was on an online profile, it was still active. If they couldn't deal, then I wasn't willing to promise myself to them and play games of being exclusive without the label.
She should just have an honest discussion of what exclusive means to both of them. I know when I am digging on one person, I just naturally taper off the other communications to focus on one. But I don't believe in putting all of your eggs in one basket if neither of you knows each other well yet. She just has to say that she's happy getting to know the guy but they should avoid making commitments until they know that is what will work for them. Until then, both are free to see other people if they choose. If the man is insecure because he doesn't want to "compete" but yet his eyes are still roving, oh well, that's his loss. Better know now than when you are further invested0 -
Are the men losing interest after a week, or is she? The way I interpreted it, she lost interest after a week... and in that case, I'd agree that she needs therapy.0
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Guys tend to get jealous easily.0
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Step inside a womans head for one day, and you'll change your tune on this! :laugh:Guys tend to get jealous easily.
That is if you live to tell the story Bwahahahaha:devil:0 -
You're right actually, I will then - like most - add my vote to therapy.Are the men losing interest after a week, or is she? The way I interpreted it, she lost interest after a week... and in that case, I'd agree that she needs therapy.0
