Hi, I'm new and Seeking Help
NerwenAldarion
Posts: 21 Member
First of all I'll start by saying I searched high and low for a group like this because I have so many questions and no where I can turn to. So I hope you guys can give me some support and help because I think you guys can understand without judging.
Now I will introduce myself and explain.
My name is Jennifer and I think I might have an eating disorder but I'm not sure, I've never been diagnosed but that might be because I keep a lot of it to myself.
I struggled with weight through my childhood and college years with a lot of henpecking from my father about my weight, I considered going anorexic when I was younger but I always dismissed those thoughts as fleeting and not serious.
Things changed over the past year when I failed to get accepted into a grad school. The stress of applying nearly crippled me and several times I had panic attacks that could lead to me vomiting, I did not force myself to throw up but rather it was a side affect to my anxiety. When I was not accepted I got rather depressed and tried to hide it for a while, that was the first time I started reducing what I ate. It wasn't conscious but me not feeling hungry, just sad and upset.
Over the summer I started preparing myself for reapplying which accelerated everything. I started eating only one small meal a day because I was so worked up cramming for the GRE, contacting professors, researching schools etc. When I wasn't at home studying I was at work thinking of everything I needed to do and hadn't done, I would work myself up to more panic attacks which often times led to me getting sick again.
My family didn't know about my problem with anxiety, they just saw I was losing weight and thought I was doing something great for me. As my anxiety grew worse and I started lashing out my mom and sister sent me to a family doctor to get some anxiety medication. While that has helped stabalize my moods I'm still struggling with that but now I'm concerned about other things.
I joined MFP because with everything that has happened I'm grasping at the one thing I can control and succeed at: losing weight. It became a conscious choice for me to only eat one meal a day after a while because I didn't want to get fat again and I wanted my family to be proud of me in some way if I didn't get into Grad school and my weight seemed to work. I rapidly lost a ton of weight (I won't post how much) and I still don't feel like it is enough. I'm under my goal weight, still safe in the normal weight range but what isn't normal is my mind.
I eat fewer than 900 calories a day. It's a conscious choice because I don't want to gain anymore weight. Some days it's as low as 300 calories. Most days it hovers between 500 and 750 calories a day. My doctor has thrown around terms like "starvation mode" and my mom and sister actively push for me to eat more but mostly I try and ignore their advice or "cheat" by only eating a tiny bit at each meal so I can tell them I'm eating and hide how little I actually am.
I did some research but I don't seem to fit into any category. I'm not bullemic since I never consciously forced myself to throw up, I'm not anorexic because I am actually eating but I also recognize that I have a very unhealthy habit but I can't break it.
My questions are this:
Do I actually have an eating disorder?
How do I seek help?
Does anyone have advice over talking to family about this?
What should I do to try and break these cycles if they are actually unhealthy?
Thank you.
Now I will introduce myself and explain.
My name is Jennifer and I think I might have an eating disorder but I'm not sure, I've never been diagnosed but that might be because I keep a lot of it to myself.
I struggled with weight through my childhood and college years with a lot of henpecking from my father about my weight, I considered going anorexic when I was younger but I always dismissed those thoughts as fleeting and not serious.
Things changed over the past year when I failed to get accepted into a grad school. The stress of applying nearly crippled me and several times I had panic attacks that could lead to me vomiting, I did not force myself to throw up but rather it was a side affect to my anxiety. When I was not accepted I got rather depressed and tried to hide it for a while, that was the first time I started reducing what I ate. It wasn't conscious but me not feeling hungry, just sad and upset.
Over the summer I started preparing myself for reapplying which accelerated everything. I started eating only one small meal a day because I was so worked up cramming for the GRE, contacting professors, researching schools etc. When I wasn't at home studying I was at work thinking of everything I needed to do and hadn't done, I would work myself up to more panic attacks which often times led to me getting sick again.
My family didn't know about my problem with anxiety, they just saw I was losing weight and thought I was doing something great for me. As my anxiety grew worse and I started lashing out my mom and sister sent me to a family doctor to get some anxiety medication. While that has helped stabalize my moods I'm still struggling with that but now I'm concerned about other things.
I joined MFP because with everything that has happened I'm grasping at the one thing I can control and succeed at: losing weight. It became a conscious choice for me to only eat one meal a day after a while because I didn't want to get fat again and I wanted my family to be proud of me in some way if I didn't get into Grad school and my weight seemed to work. I rapidly lost a ton of weight (I won't post how much) and I still don't feel like it is enough. I'm under my goal weight, still safe in the normal weight range but what isn't normal is my mind.
I eat fewer than 900 calories a day. It's a conscious choice because I don't want to gain anymore weight. Some days it's as low as 300 calories. Most days it hovers between 500 and 750 calories a day. My doctor has thrown around terms like "starvation mode" and my mom and sister actively push for me to eat more but mostly I try and ignore their advice or "cheat" by only eating a tiny bit at each meal so I can tell them I'm eating and hide how little I actually am.
I did some research but I don't seem to fit into any category. I'm not bullemic since I never consciously forced myself to throw up, I'm not anorexic because I am actually eating but I also recognize that I have a very unhealthy habit but I can't break it.
My questions are this:
Do I actually have an eating disorder?
How do I seek help?
Does anyone have advice over talking to family about this?
What should I do to try and break these cycles if they are actually unhealthy?
Thank you.
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Replies
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Well. I can relate to this.
First, to clear some things up: anorexics DO actually eat (I mean, everybody has to eat SOMETHING or they aren't going to live for very long). But not everyone's eating disorder has to fit comfortably into a category, either (there is the ED-NOS diagnosis fog folks whose disorder/habits don't quite fit into one of the diagnostic criteria).
But back to the beginning: I can definitely relate to restricting bring triggered by anxiety/weight loss. If you are uncomfortable talking to your family about it right now, maybe you should try getting professional help first (either from just a regular therapist or one that specializes in eating disorders if you can find one...or a group if you can find one of those).0 -
Well. I can relate to this.
First, to clear some things up: anorexics DO actually eat (I mean, everybody has to eat SOMETHING or they aren't going to live for very long). But not everyone's eating disorder has to fit comfortably into a category, either (there is the ED-NOS diagnosis fog folks whose disorder/habits don't quite fit into one of the diagnostic criteria).
But back to the beginning: I can definitely relate to restricting bring triggered by anxiety/weight loss. If you are uncomfortable talking to your family about it right now, maybe you should try getting professional help first (either from just a regular therapist or one that specializes in eating disorders if you can find one...or a group if you can find one of those).
I sent an email to the NEDA but I'm not expecting much, I live in a small town and there aren't a lot of therapists or groups close by0 -
Eating disorder treatment is hard to come by. There aren't a lot of professionals who treat eating disorders and sometime even the ones who say that they specialize in it are not that educated. It's extremely frustrating. I live in mid-Missouri and travel 2 hours west to St. Louis for therapy and to see a medical physician who specializes in eating disorder treatment.
Here are some links that may point you in the right direction:
http://www.edreferral.com/
http://www.edprofessionalsreviewed.com/#!links/c1667
http://www.something-fishy.org/treatment_finder.php
http://www.edtreatmentreview.com/0 -
I love something-fishy.org too as the above poster mentioned. I go back there from time to time.
I often thought I wasn't "anorexic" either because I didn't weight XX amount of weight at my lowest. What my therapist explained was that those people who do weight XX are the ones who die! Good way to put it into perspective. I was diagnosed with anorexia in my early 20's when I was having a relapse. I never got down to the size I had when I was a teen with it, but it does not matter. Anorexia is not a specific weight, it is so much more than that and a lot of it is mental as well as physical. I would suggest speaking with your PCP (primary care physician) and they can help you find a therapist/nutritionist. You have to WANT to get help though. Because if you don't really want the help, it doesn't matter who you go to, you will not change. My therapist did teach me many great things...how to cope, and how to recognize when I was starting down a bad path. I still use her advice and such today (some 14 years later). You definitely sound like you need help and to speak to a professional. We can support you here but you need professional help too. I hope you do choose to speak to your doctor... the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Good luck and a big hug! 0 -
Welcome. I'm glad you're here and you're reaching out for support. Whether or not you fall into a specific diagnosis, you're aware that you have an unhealthy relationship with food. I find it sad that we consider poor body image and bashing ourselves as "normal". I'm a good girl if I restrict and I'm terrible if I eat that ________. We are far harder on ourselves than we are on others. I can't imagine saying to another person the brutal things I tell myself. However, today I'm doing far better with being kind(er) to myself. Keep coming back here.0
