boyfriend feeling "left out"
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melindenmark
Posts: 279 Member
I am in week 34 and can easily say that i am very uncomfortable in my body now (have a hard time sleeping, sore back and fingers , all normal preggers stuff).
Today when eating dinner with my boyfriend we started a conversation on how hard things are on me now and how we cant wait until i start my marternity leave (i have my last work day on sunday so not long now!!). Anyway this started the conversation on that of course this is hard for me at times but it is also hard for him. He said that he feels pushed to the side lines, that everything revolves around me and that he understands that it needs to and should be all about me right now but he feels i dont have time or engery to for him and is looking forward to having me back to my normal self. He also said that he has no expectaions on things getting better or easier any time soon he just wanted to voice his feelings, something i can totaly respect.
Anyway, i can definatly see where he is coming from, i have no energy when i get home and all i want to do is have a nap or relax on the sofa and not do much. when we talk its always about the baby or how im doing, even though i like to think i try and talk about things that are important to him when he mentioned how he was feeling i realised maybe i dont do it enough.
My question to all you ladies is how can i make him feel more included in this and not left out on little energy. I dont want him feeling like i am pushing to the sidelines, we have 1 1/2 months until baby comes and we should enjoy each other as much as possible in this time.
Hope this makes sense and sorry for all the spelling mistakes (i am a terrible speller lol)
Today when eating dinner with my boyfriend we started a conversation on how hard things are on me now and how we cant wait until i start my marternity leave (i have my last work day on sunday so not long now!!). Anyway this started the conversation on that of course this is hard for me at times but it is also hard for him. He said that he feels pushed to the side lines, that everything revolves around me and that he understands that it needs to and should be all about me right now but he feels i dont have time or engery to for him and is looking forward to having me back to my normal self. He also said that he has no expectaions on things getting better or easier any time soon he just wanted to voice his feelings, something i can totaly respect.
Anyway, i can definatly see where he is coming from, i have no energy when i get home and all i want to do is have a nap or relax on the sofa and not do much. when we talk its always about the baby or how im doing, even though i like to think i try and talk about things that are important to him when he mentioned how he was feeling i realised maybe i dont do it enough.
My question to all you ladies is how can i make him feel more included in this and not left out on little energy. I dont want him feeling like i am pushing to the sidelines, we have 1 1/2 months until baby comes and we should enjoy each other as much as possible in this time.
Hope this makes sense and sorry for all the spelling mistakes (i am a terrible speller lol)
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Replies
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The way your BF is feeling is definitely typical for many dads-to-be! I was conscientious of this when I was pregnant with my first son (he just turned a year old last week and we're due again at the end of May). I think it's really important to ask your significant other how his/her day was, that's the first thing I do when I talk to my husband. I ask how work is, or how he's doing, etc. Of course you need to talk about the baby somewhat because there's a lot of planning involved. Does he seem interested in helping with the baby furniture, nursery, etc. or have you guys done all that? I would do a lot on my own like buy clothes and whatnot but when it came to the baby "gear" my husband really wanted to participate, so we'd put stuff together as a team (or more like he put it together and I watched, haha). Does he like to be involved in baby stuff or is he more hands off? I don't know what your before-pregnancy activities with him used to include, but my husband and I would make time to watch a movie together or go to dinner, etc. (hey you gotta eat right?).0
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I suspect the way your boyfriend feels is completely normal, and congrats to him for vocalizing it!
Up until the very end (as in, the night before my C-section) we made dinner conversation about non-baby stuff. Our girl is 11 weeks tomorrow and we still keep her out of our dinner talk. We also did as many normal things as we could right up until the end--going to sporting events, out with friends, etc... Hopefully when your leave from work starts your energy will increase a bit. I worked part-time and did as much baby stuff as possible during weekdays while he was at work, so nights and weekends were about us. He painted the nursery and assembled the crib, but that was about it. We also chose to accept as many hand-me-downs as possible (the only new things we bought for baby were cloth diapers, a bike carrier/trailer, and crib sheets) which meant we spent our weekends at movies, dinners, taking day or overnight trips, etc... instead of shopping.
I think it's great that he was able to talk to you about it. One other suggestion I was given--and took--was to schedule a baby sitter as soon as possible so we could have time alone. We went out for an afternoon when she was about a month old. Best thing we could have done for ourselves! We just had lunch and a movie but it was good for both of us. I really think/hope things will get better after Sunday. You can put your feet up while he's at work and be left with some energy for him!0 -
I agree with both what Lisa and Tara said previously. It's important to make your significant other feel included. Make special date nights (or afternoons if you can't stay up late), always ask how he's doing, include him in the planning and picking out the baby stuff.
My man wants to be included in everything - even the check-up visits at the doctor. It's not really necessary, but he doesn't want to be left out of any detail.0 -
Previous advice given is pretty much what I was going to say.
My husband's 'complaints' are a bit different. He feels left out, but not because of the attention or time but because he is jealous I am feeling and experiencing everything and he wishes there more of the experience in it for him, lol. Way I see it, he will get plenty of sharing in the baby experience when the baby gets here.
He hasn't been able to feel the baby move or anything yet though. I can see how it may seem a bit unfair to him in a way, but I dont think he understands how lucky he is that he doesn't have to feel all the symptoms.
Is your boyfriend excited about the baby? Maybe instead of just telling him how you feel, encourage him to tell you how he feels. Ask him about his questions, concerns, fears and excitement about the baby instead of just voicing your own opinions.
Make a date night, or time, just for the two of you. It doesnt have to be a date night and ypu dont even have to go anywhere. My husband and I have our 'own time.' We dont do date nights, but our daughter goes to bed at 8pm and we go to bed at 10:30. That 2.5 hour time every night we spend together, just watching a movie, showering or talking.0 -
Thanks for all the replies. He is very active in the getting things ready for the baby. Most of the stuff we have was given to us but the few things we have bought he has been involved in. He also comes to as many doctor check ups he can. He is really excited about the baby coming and really enjoys talking about her.
I think what is important for us is in the evenings not to sit behind the tv or computers and talk/ spend time together. I think we have gotten into a bad habit of sitting behind our computers and not talking much to each other. When he gets home from work today i might suggest a walk together and then maybe after dinner we can watch a movie together. I think you are right that it doesnt need to be anything big just small things to show i havent forgotten him and he is still loved
Thanks for the advice, as simple as the solution probably is i think i got so wrapped up in my own world that i forgot about his so time to put a little focus on him!!0
