not related to food or weight loss.
knitnpurlgurl
Posts: 72
So I want to ask you all a question that is not related to food in any way. So I was with my ex for almost 10 years. (19 years old-28 years old) towards the end of our relationship it wasn't great we fought alot and said things we didn't mean but I think we both still loved eachother. It ended pretty ugly and since then I haven't talked to him or even wanted to. But now 4 years later I habe this nagging in me telling me to contact him. I had changed my number and blocked him from Fb when we broke up.....i dont understand why I feel this way and I am in a relationship with someone and we have been together since about two months after I left my ex. I haven't mentione feeling this way to my SO because I don't want it to cause problems especially because I don't know the reason behind it. What would you do?
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Replies
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I would steer clear, especially if you are happy in your current relationship. Maybe part of you wants him to see how good you look now?0
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No don't want to see him per say. I wasn't heavy while with him. I can't explain why because I don't know why lol0
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Well he is an ex for a reason, right? :-)0
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Lol yes. I don't think we ever wanted to break up just were young and had issues we didn't know how to fix. It was one of those when it was great it was great and when it was bad it was bad. But we always made up. Ugh I don't know I just have this nagging iN me right now and I just don't know what it means. When you spend so long with someone you never stop caring.0
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I do think I jumped right into my current relationship to help get over the hurt I had felt. I was dating again within weeks of breaking up with my ex.0
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I speak to my ex all the time, I am cordial, but again we have children and we will always be linked that way. I am married to a wonderful caring man and he has no issue with me talking to my ex, although it is infrequent and only when needed. If you feel you must talk to your ex then I see no reason why not, as long as you keep it in public place and on your terms. I would not keep it a secret from your SO. There is no need. Maybe you still need some closure.0
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Yeah we have no kids0
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If it was me (and it has been), we always remained friends after we split because of my daughter whom he loved very much and
considered her to be his. Contact was never broken with them, so I had to get accustomed to seeing him with someone else. Was civil, then settled back into friendship. Talked on the phone quite often as he called me. Since he was in Europe for 4 years and then settled in New Hampshire, I didn't see him often. He did come back to Michigan frequently and sometimes I would run into him as his sister was my best friend and I never severed ties with his family and visited them often.
The last thing my ex said to me before we split was "I know you don't think so, but I really do love you, I just can't live up to your expectations". Because of those words, I have not been able to move on with my life. I can still read him like a book whether he's in the State or not, or whether he's ill, just by instinct. I call my daughter for confirmation. I'm usually right.
Anyway, if you don't really want to show off your weight loss, I would suggest that you leave well enough alone. If you can't do this, is there any family or mutual friends you have kept in contact with you could ask. Make a list of pros and cons, be honest about it and ask yourself if you really want to have a relationship where there is a lot of fighting, then making up. It's a vicious circle and doesn't get any better and in fact usually gets worse as time goes on. I know this as it was a part of my career for 30 years. Is your current relationship worth the risk, and how would you feel if the situation was reversed.
Karen0 -
I don't know why we women tend to have this lingering curiosity!! For me, part of my journey with my weight loss was working on learning what I need in my life and what I don't. For me, among MANY things I don't need, I don't need exes, I don't need people in my life who are not supportive, and I need to do things for me that are healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. If seeing your ex doesn't do something positive for you, then skip it. This is a time to be focusing on YOU. I am not one of those people who necessarily needs closure. I have had to accept the fact that sometimes you don't get to have closure. Also... going through this whole WLS process is VERY emotional. I don't think most of us knew that it would be. I think so many emotions get stirred up, and maybe that's why you are curious about your ex?0
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I agree with garber6th.0
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I understand your curiosity... I was engaged and we broke up because I was young and dumb. It has been 15 years since we broke up and I still wonder about him all the time. I will see something and think of him or something he said. I know from mutual friends that he is now married with twin 5 year old girls. Our friends remind me every time I ask that it took him 7 years to get over me... I broke his heart. I am older, wiser, and feel horrible about it now. I let him live his life and don't contact him.
My advice to you is move on. Make peace with it. If it is meant to be, you will run into him at the airport or in at the grocery.
Best of luck!0 -
I had 2 thoughts when i was reading your initial post.... the first was "What is going on in your life or in your relationship right now that you want to avoid/change?". Of course, I could be wrong... so the second thing I thought was this.... it is entirely possible you should get in touch with him. Whenever I am faced with a dilemma and I do not know what i should do, I ask and wait. Ask: I ask my guides/God/the Universe/whatever to send me a sign I CANNOT MISS (cuz I am a little slow on the uptake sometimes lol) as to what I should do. Then I wait for the sign. Works. Every. Time.0
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OK, I am a Mom and just can't help being a Mom, so if I sound like that, everyone smile gently and indulge, OK?
Sometimes being young, 18 you said, is an issue because as you grow up you may not be growing in the same direction as the person you are with. Again, sometimes. There are those rare couple who can get married at 18 and are still together 50, 60 years later. However, what I read in your initial post is a cycle of fight and make up. Drama and peace. That is not a mature relationship. That's what we all do in high school. So it sounds to me like the relationship was stuck in an immature place and didn't look like it was going to mature. So my question is, is why would you want that back?
You also said that you jumped into your current relationship very quickly. Is it possible that your ex is coming to mind a lot because this relationship isn't what you want, there's something missing, you're dissatisfied with your current SO but not sure how to fix it or end it? I've been married 40 years and I can tell you that when I look back at the times I was thinking a lot about an ex, it was a time when our marriage was struggling and I was unhappy. Obviously since we have 40 years, we got past those struggling times and things got better again, but that's typical for long term marriages. Lots of ups and downs.
Maybe what you should be concentrating on right now is not a guy, but you. You are making changes to get healthy in body but what about healthy mentally and emotionally. Maybe you need to take the time to figure out what YOU want from life, where you want to go and concentrate on making those things happen. It's hard to have a good relationship if you don't really know what you want.0 -
Thank you everyone....i dont live in the same town as my ex. We were very young when we got together and we're together until 4 years ago when I was 28.....i honestly don't know why I feel this pull to make contact. I was thinking of just sending a card to his parents house wishing him well and leave it at that. I don't know what I would hope to achieve with that.
In my current relationship I am happy of course everything has ups and downs and my life isn't what I expected but it's not bad.
I don't know maybe in a way I miss him and want to make sure he is ok. When you are with someone 10 years do you ever stop caring? . And i know I miss his family terribly. Our relationship ship was pretty good until I had gotten pregnant and then lost the baby. I think in alot of ways that changed me and our relationship.
Maybe I shouldn't contact him but there is just something urging me to do so. He is an ex but was a good person and treated me good. I think we just didn't grow up....and maybe because we got together so young I don't know.
Just have this nagging feeling. I messaged his sister on facebook just to say hello but I don't think she is on much and hasn't even opened the message yet.0 -
I concentrate on myself very much. Not worried about him, just have the nagging feeling and don't understand it.0
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I agree with the people who wrote not to contact him. Just because the relationship ended doesn't mean you stop caring about someone. But caring about them and letting them back in your life (and possibly putting your child and your current partner at risk can be a Pandora's Box that you do not want to open.)
You mentioned that you met your current partner two months after you and your long term boyfriend broke up. You hardly had anytime to stabilize, adjust and heal before you were in another relationship.
When I went through a divorce some years ago I was in two support groups for people going through separation/divorce. I learned that if someone gets into another relationship while still in one, or immediately after it ends, that it is when the second relationship ends that they have to deal with the pain both relationship ending. Meaning that if you don't take the time to heal from a relationship when it ends, it will come back and haunt you when the next relationship ends.
It's natural to wonder and to care about that person. But after the dust has settled, why stir it up.
You never know how he has moved on and don't want to risk upsetting his life either.
As someone mentioned "there is a reason why he is your ex." I would leave it alone and try to focus on the present and your future.
It brings to mind that "grass is greener" analogy.
I would not rock the boat and risk stirring things up. But it is your decision and ultimately only you can make that decision.
I hope this helps.
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