Need advice on when to invite in-laws to stay with us
Binky_Muffin
Posts: 191 Member
I'm due on or around January 12, 2015. This will be me and DH's first child. I will be 35 and he is 38. His parents live in another province and this will be their first grandchild. They are also retired.
I was talking to DH yesterday and I told him I don't know if i want his parents to stay with us right away. It's not that I don't want them here. I just think it would make sense to wait a couple of weeks so that I can heal and so that we can get into some kind of routine. In addition to that, we have a Rottweiler and we need to train her to accept the baby into our "pack" and I think that would be much easier if it were DH and I only.
The weather up here in January is bitterly cold. Last year the high was like -20C every day in January. Ugh… The thought of being snowed-in the house with DH's parents while I come home from the hospital just doesn't sound like a good idea. LOL.
I know bringing a new baby home for the first time is quite the event and things will be busy. However, I think it would be easier with just the two of us as opposed to having to deal with a large-breed dog and two people who will be asking question after question. Not to mention my hormones will be all over the place and I may not take well to constant questions and advice from the in-laws. LOL. DH plans on taking a few weeks off when the baby comes.
I just think the experience would be much more pleasant for everyone if we waited a little bit for them to come. I will be more mobile and we "might" have a something of a routine.
I know our feelings may change as I get closer to the due date or even when I give birth. The nice thing is DH's parents are retired and can be on a plane the next day if we really needed them.
Am I crazy for thinking like this?
I was talking to DH yesterday and I told him I don't know if i want his parents to stay with us right away. It's not that I don't want them here. I just think it would make sense to wait a couple of weeks so that I can heal and so that we can get into some kind of routine. In addition to that, we have a Rottweiler and we need to train her to accept the baby into our "pack" and I think that would be much easier if it were DH and I only.
The weather up here in January is bitterly cold. Last year the high was like -20C every day in January. Ugh… The thought of being snowed-in the house with DH's parents while I come home from the hospital just doesn't sound like a good idea. LOL.
I know bringing a new baby home for the first time is quite the event and things will be busy. However, I think it would be easier with just the two of us as opposed to having to deal with a large-breed dog and two people who will be asking question after question. Not to mention my hormones will be all over the place and I may not take well to constant questions and advice from the in-laws. LOL. DH plans on taking a few weeks off when the baby comes.
I just think the experience would be much more pleasant for everyone if we waited a little bit for them to come. I will be more mobile and we "might" have a something of a routine.
I know our feelings may change as I get closer to the due date or even when I give birth. The nice thing is DH's parents are retired and can be on a plane the next day if we really needed them.
Am I crazy for thinking like this?
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No you aren't crazy.
You said your husband will be taking time off. I think that would be my leaning card right there. Husband will be home, you will have help and the alone time with husband and baby will be good for you. Now, if hubby could not take time off of work and planned to go straight back, then I would invite the in-laws. Help would be nice and that would be my decision point.
I understand they are excited as it is their first grandchild but it isn't their baby, it is yours. If you want them to wait for a few weeks, they should respect that.0 -
I can't post from experience because this will be my first, but I have had siblings who've had kids. I know they ended up appreciating the help when parents visited. My parents would cook for them, walk the dogs, help with laundry, watch the baby when my sisters would want to shower or nap, watch the other kids when there were more babies, etc. You will be totally exhausted and won't really want to do any of that stuff.. How long does your husband get to stay home from work, because that makes a difference, too. Maybe have them come after a few days? That gives both of you time to bond with the baby alone.
I haven't told my parents yet, but when I do I'm sure they'll want to make plans to come out. We live on opposite coasts, about 2500 miles apart. They'll need to buy a ticket, so I think they'll probably pick a date a few days or a week after my due date and change the ticket if necessary based on delivery.0 -
I am not the best person to give advice on the topic. I am totally anti-in-laws, lol. No but seriously, for me, it was very natural taking advice and learning from my mom vs accepting what my MIL said on how to handle the baby given the age difference (my MIL was much older and way more traditional in her ways than I could tolerate) besides the I-trust-my-mom-more factor.
I couldn't take interference from my in-laws and they are very pushy and think their ways are the best and that they know best having raised 8 kids. In my book, NO THEY DIDN'T know better.
So i think you are the best judge of how your in-laws are and how much "preaching" can you take from them and how much advice (interference) are you willing to accept, especially in the first few weeks when you are still trying to adjust to the whole situation and are sleep deprived and your hormones are driving you crazy.0 -
No you aren't crazy.
You said your husband will be taking time off. I think that would be my leaning card right there. Husband will be home, you will have help and the alone time with husband and baby will be good for you. Now, if hubby could not take time off of work and planned to go straight back, then I would invite the in-laws. Help would be nice and that would be my decision point.
I understand they are excited as it is their first grandchild but it isn't their baby, it is yours. If you want them to wait for a few weeks, they should respect that.
Yes, I agree. Maybe when your DH is back to work they could visit, you would probably need some help then. I can't speak from experience either, but my coworker did that and she was glad to have her family with her while DH was at work. And if you feel like you changed your mind and want them to visit earlier, you can always call them and they can buy/change the plane ticket as needed. Like you said, they can be on a plane the next day if/when needed.
I am also someone who likes being alone, or with my SO only... I would not want my in laws staying with me right away after having a baby. A visit for a few hours would be fine, but staying over? Nope.0 -
Thanks for the advice everyone.
DH is able to take up to three weeks off if he wishes.
I would feel more comfortable taking advice from my female friends as opposed to my mother or MIL. Neither of them breastfed and they haven't had newborns in several decades. LOL. Help with cleaning/cooking would be appreciated, but I think I would hire a cleaning service for the first couple of months and try to freeze some meals ahead of time so that I could pop them into the oven when I didn't feel like cooking. Worse case scenario, take-out will have to do.
Like I said, I think it would be a much more pleasant experience for everyone if DH and I had a handle of things before we start having his parents staying with us in the middle of winter with the dog. They are not dog people and will not help us with her at all. If anything, they would get in the way.
DH and I always did things our own way and never really asked our parents for advice. I guess that's how we roll. In addition, I think our ages and life experience would make us capable of taking on the care of a newborn ourselves for the first several weeks.
Thankfully, we have a few months to think about how we want to handle the first couple of weeks with our new bundle of joy.0 -
Sounds like we live in the same province and have the same inlaws. :laugh:
When we had our first baby I didn't want anybody visiting, not even my own parents. I wanted us to have time to bond as a family, establish breastfeeding without an audience, and settle in for a few weeks before having house guests. My parents came 2 weeks after my daughter was born and it worked well for us. They chipped in with chores, grocery shopping (and paid some times!), stocking the freezer with meals, and snuggling with the baby so we could nap or do other things. Aside from the sleep deprivation and crazy hormones, the first few weeks were actually the easiest now that I look back. We didn't need to dip into our freezer stash for quite some time because newborns sleep so much that we were still able to cook (simple) meals, shower at somewhat regular times, and get out and about quite a bit. The ONLY reason my parents will be in town for #2's arrival is because we need someone here to look after #1 while we're off having the baby. Although, I'm sure with a new baby in the house as well as a toddler, we'll actually need those extra hands this time!
I feel the same about my inlaws as the other posters. I don't see eye to eye with my inlaws, especially MIL, about anything neither does DH when it comes to parenting stuff). When they did finally visit us (6 months after #1 was born) they were not much help, didn't listen to instructions (FIL took her for a walk and brought her back 30 minutes late and didn't answer the cell phone we gave him), got in the way, and, because it was also their first ever visit to see us, DH had to play tour guide because MIL wanted to sight see. I ended up staying home alone with DD quite a bit because we were driving a small sedan at the time, and because of the car seat combines with the inlaws' health issues (one obese, one bad hip, neither could sit in the back comfortably), we did not all fit in the car well enough to go anywhere more than 10 mins away. DH recently had a chat with his parents about visiting some time this fall after #2 arrives and my parents have left, but they've declared it's "too difficult" for them (mostly MIL) to travel and it would be "easier" for our family of 4 to fly home instead. Ha! We plan to drive home next summer, at which point #2 will be about 10-ish months old and meeting those grandparents for the first time. I'm glad for my sanity that they won't be visiting, but I do feel bad for DH and our kids that they won't see their parents/grandparents for such a long time.
Do what feels right for you guys, but by the sounds of things, you seem to already know what that is.0 -
I'd give it a few weeks. You'll need some rest, establishing breastfeeding means being practically topless for hours of each day, and postpartum care is easier if your lady products and peri bottle are in a prominent place in the bathroom.0
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I agree with the above! With my first my MIL and SIL came to stay for 2 days to see us and the baby (and to stay at our house for our animals while we were in the hospital) and that was fine but I did enjoy having that time to just us. A few of my friends on here who had their first around the time I did had their mom come stay with them for a few weeks to help out and I think I'm going to try to see if my mom will come stay with us for a bit especially because by the time #2 is here we'll have a 2 year old running around and I know the first couple weeks or so won't be the easiest!0
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I'd postpone it at least a month, probably longer if possible. Assuming your husband is home for the full three weeks, you might want a week or two alone with baby after that. I think it's important for building self-confidence (I was terrified when my husband went back after about 3 weeks. The first day was bad, then it got really good once I relaxed.) The thing I noticed was during that first month or two, I didn't really need help. My girl rarely slept during the day, but since she wasn't mobile it was easy to cook, clean, do laundry, etc... Now that she's six month old...rolling and crawling all over the place....well, I'd love some help at this point!!
One other thing to consider is how many other visitors you suspect you'll have. Everyone will want to come meet baby. It might not be as much fun if there are multiple hands competing for baby! We limited it to just a couple visitors (close family & friends) while my husband was home then about 2 weeks after he went back to work I basically had a person or two visiting us most days for the next six weeks or so. (We don't do showers in my circle, rather everyone visits after baby is born). All these visitors want to hold/cuddle/change the baby. If I had either my in-laws or my mom here (and they could only be here for a limited time), I'd kinda feel like both the grandparents and the other visitors weren't getting the time with baby that they really desired if they were both here.
Not sure if you do any sort of religious ceremony in the early months (christening, baptism, etc...) but that might be a good "excuse" to have them come at month 2 or 3 instead of month 1. Besides, you can always remind them that babies get more fun as they get older/more active!0 -
I'd postpone it at least a month, probably longer if possible. Assuming your husband is home for the full three weeks, you might want a week or two alone with baby after that. I think it's important for building self-confidence (I was terrified when my husband went back after about 3 weeks. The first day was bad, then it got really good once I relaxed.) The thing I noticed was during that first month or two, I didn't really need help. My girl rarely slept during the day, but since she wasn't mobile it was easy to cook, clean, do laundry, etc... Now that she's six month old...rolling and crawling all over the place....well, I'd love some help at this point!!
One other thing to consider is how many other visitors you suspect you'll have. Everyone will want to come meet baby. It might not be as much fun if there are multiple hands competing for baby! We limited it to just a couple visitors (close family & friends) while my husband was home then about 2 weeks after he went back to work I basically had a person or two visiting us most days for the next six weeks or so. (We don't do showers in my circle, rather everyone visits after baby is born). All these visitors want to hold/cuddle/change the baby. If I had either my in-laws or my mom here (and they could only be here for a limited time), I'd kinda feel like both the grandparents and the other visitors weren't getting the time with baby that they really desired if they were both here.
Not sure if you do any sort of religious ceremony in the early months (christening, baptism, etc...) but that might be a good "excuse" to have them come at month 2 or 3 instead of month 1. Besides, you can always remind them that babies get more fun as they get older/more active!
That's great advice! Thank you so much.
No, we do not practice a religion. This will be another point of contention with my mother and in-laws. We're not going to have the baby baptized and they will not like that. Oh well. Too bad, so sad. I know it will really bother them, but DH and I already made our decision and we will be sticking to our guns.
Thank you so much for the advice.0 -
That's great advice! Thank you so much.
No, we do not practice a religion. This will be another point of contention with my mother and in-laws. We're not going to have the baby baptized and they will not like that. Oh well. Too bad, so sad. I know it will really bother them, but DH and I already made our decision and we will be sticking to our guns.
Thank you so much for the advice.
Yeah, we aren't really committed on the church front either and it's been a big issue. My family is like "whatever, do what you want if/when you're ready" but his family barely acknowledges our daughter since she hasn't been brought into God's family. Whatever, their loss. I've just had a few friends use the religious ceremony as the reason to postpone visits so figured I'd bring it up! Good luck! We're older (35 & 38) as well and set in our ways. I've learned to say no in a million new ways, without making it sounds like I'm saying "no". lol.0 -
I just wanted to say, I am glad my in-laws live in the same city as me. And, I am glad they are the way they are.
I know with having my in-laws close, if I decide that I need them and call and ask them for help, they can be here in 10 minutes and they would too.
I also know my in-laws are the kind of people that would never show up uninvited so I will not see them unless I call them or they call me first.
My in-laws will be the only ones invited to visit in the hospital, nobody else. The biggest reason for this is because they will be the ones babysitting my 8 year old while I go in and I want my daughter there as soon as possible after baby is born.
I am one of those rare people that truly love my in-laws. But, I think it is because they are so quiet and respectful. They have never tried pushing advice on me or being up in my life. If they were any different, I am sure I would feel a lot differently.
I have told them they are welcome to come see us in the hospital but after that, when we go home, they have to call first or wait to be invited and they are just fine with that.
Your in-laws should respect whatever you decide.0
