Is this a safe space for aces?
PennyVonDread
Posts: 432 Member
Hey everyone.
I haven't seen a lot of asexuals posting here, so I wanted to know if there are more out there and if this is a safe space for us.
I had a bad experience with my local pride fest last year where some aces and I were harrassed and physically attacked. We were essentially told we're "straight" or passing, that we don't count or experience discrimination, but that's not true.
My whole life, people thought I was just very career-oriented, or that I was a "late bloomer," that I was pissed off at the world and the "right guy" would "fix" me and I'd suddenly be crazy about them and in love and having sex and making babies. I'm not aromantic, I am panromantic. I could love any person I hold a strong emotional connection with, but I've never experienced lust or sexual attraction. I've never had a crush. I've never dated someone I wasn't dearly close friends with first.
Even my pretty liberal family just thinks I'll magically change when I meet the right person. That I'm just broken or need therapy or medications, but even if it were simply a matter of libido (which it's not), **I'M** not the one who has a problem being the way I am. I am happy not pursuing sexual encounters. I do not want kids, either.
People get weird around asexuals. They think we don't know about sex, or we are all virgins, or are uncomfortable with sex scenes in movies and try to censor things for us. They think we don't want romantic relationships, that we are robots without emotional needs, that we are lying because not wanting sex "isn't human." They think we are celibates, secret sexuals just suppressing desires for attention or morality. They think we look down on sexuals and how sexual live their lives, when we really don't care or feel obligations to "approve" what strangers do with their bodies AT ALL.
I have had people try to rape me at parties because they thought alcohol would make me "loose." It doesn't work like that when you don't ever want sex. I have had people grope me and attempt corrective rape (ie "I'll take that as a challenge." or "C'mon baby, you just haven't had good sex yet."). I have had people purposely expose me to explicit pornography to try to get a reaction out of me for laughs. I have been rejected from churches and local communities. I have been targeted and harrassed by others who feel entitled to my body or attention simply because they find me attractive; they don't understand that how they perceive me has nothing to do with how I live my life.
I just wanted to share some of the personal experiences of myself and a couple of close ace friends since living openly asexual. This is why I consider myself a part of the queer spectrum, although some LGBT+, despite the hate and oppression they themselves have faced, continue to hate and isolate us for our open lack of sexuality.
I haven't seen a lot of asexuals posting here, so I wanted to know if there are more out there and if this is a safe space for us.
I had a bad experience with my local pride fest last year where some aces and I were harrassed and physically attacked. We were essentially told we're "straight" or passing, that we don't count or experience discrimination, but that's not true.
My whole life, people thought I was just very career-oriented, or that I was a "late bloomer," that I was pissed off at the world and the "right guy" would "fix" me and I'd suddenly be crazy about them and in love and having sex and making babies. I'm not aromantic, I am panromantic. I could love any person I hold a strong emotional connection with, but I've never experienced lust or sexual attraction. I've never had a crush. I've never dated someone I wasn't dearly close friends with first.
Even my pretty liberal family just thinks I'll magically change when I meet the right person. That I'm just broken or need therapy or medications, but even if it were simply a matter of libido (which it's not), **I'M** not the one who has a problem being the way I am. I am happy not pursuing sexual encounters. I do not want kids, either.
People get weird around asexuals. They think we don't know about sex, or we are all virgins, or are uncomfortable with sex scenes in movies and try to censor things for us. They think we don't want romantic relationships, that we are robots without emotional needs, that we are lying because not wanting sex "isn't human." They think we are celibates, secret sexuals just suppressing desires for attention or morality. They think we look down on sexuals and how sexual live their lives, when we really don't care or feel obligations to "approve" what strangers do with their bodies AT ALL.
I have had people try to rape me at parties because they thought alcohol would make me "loose." It doesn't work like that when you don't ever want sex. I have had people grope me and attempt corrective rape (ie "I'll take that as a challenge." or "C'mon baby, you just haven't had good sex yet."). I have had people purposely expose me to explicit pornography to try to get a reaction out of me for laughs. I have been rejected from churches and local communities. I have been targeted and harrassed by others who feel entitled to my body or attention simply because they find me attractive; they don't understand that how they perceive me has nothing to do with how I live my life.
I just wanted to share some of the personal experiences of myself and a couple of close ace friends since living openly asexual. This is why I consider myself a part of the queer spectrum, although some LGBT+, despite the hate and oppression they themselves have faced, continue to hate and isolate us for our open lack of sexuality.
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I think this is a safe place for everybody. I actually identify as pansexual, mostly with leanings towards hetero, so I get a fairly easy ride for my life. I understand and deeply sympathize with those who are not as fortunate as I, thus I join groups like LBGT+ to try to learn as much about the community and support as needed.
Honestly, I think you being attacked at an event is nowhere near normal for the community, and I would liken it to one time that I was told by a lesbian that "We don't *need* your support..." after telling her that I was not gay. In every community, there are going to be people who are nitpicky about who is in and who is out.
I have a friend who is asexual so I like to think that I know quite a bit about the sexuality (or lack thereof) for being an outsider, so to speak. I always found it odd that people have such an obsession with trying to push sex onto asexual people and simultaneously shame others (particularly women) for being sexual. But I guess that's just the culture we live in at this point, I hope to see it change as more people become more educated and empathetic towards others.
I am really sorry that you experienced these things. As a survivor of rape myself, I wouldn't wish it on anybody else and it is unfortunate that that's how people try to make you sexual. Yeah, because the way to convince somebody that sex is fun is by traumatizing them with it! ****heavy sarcasm****
Anyway, welcome to the group! I'm sure you'll find it as warm and inviting as I and many of my friends have found it!0 -
Hi welcome!!
As a married to a male, bi-sexual I feel like an outsider constantly when I try to approach and LGBT+ group, but this group has never been any less than accepting towards me and like Forty6and2 I've also made many wonderful friends who have supported my weight loss journey.
Also, thank you for sharing your experience. I'll admit I had to do a little googling to get a better idea of what it meant to be asexual so thank you for adding to my own understanding!0 -
Hey! I consider myself as falling under the ace umbrella -- I tend to call myself pansexual just because it's simpler, but I identify as demisexual (meaning I only experience physical attraction when there's a deep emotional connection first, and to be honest not even always then) and panromantic.
I've found this group super super welcoming, but I'll just say -- anyone gives you crap, I'll back you up, and I know that a ton of the other wonderful people here will do the same
You're safe here! 
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Demi-sexual? I like that term! It fits me too! I have a hard time understanding how someone can just look at a person and want to have sex with them. I just don't get it!
All walks of life are okay with me, and bullying in any form is NOT. I've got your back too, OP.
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Deleted my comment. I didnt realize how old this posts was.0
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