I'm going to hang it all out here.....

farmers_daughter · June 2014

I had a heart to heart conversation with a friend who really thinks I should get back out there. (I think I'm getting a little too close to my fwb...and just getting plain comfortable)
I've threatened y'all before so here goes.

Eat it up, tell me what I did wrong - a suggestion to fix it would be helpful, or what you think I could add Idk. Just take a look. This is my match.com profile, My POF is pretty darn close.

editY
“ I am a genuine, honest, independent woman who has her life together and runs on good ole country values.
I have my own vehicle a job of 10 years and a roof over my head...all accomplished by ME.

Looking for a genuine, honest man who has simple country values similar to mine.
I love the outdoors. I hunt and love to fish.
I have a smartassed sarcastic sense of humor and enjoy simple things in life.

I have my kids thru the week and everyother weekend. If our weekends dont match it very likely wont work. It is what it is.
I have boundaries, so that means you won't meet my kids upfront.

I text more than I'd like to admit.
I'm sometimes busy. You do it all and tell me you aren't.
I can be very blunt at times.

I'm looking for the long haul....not the short go. How bout you?

You wont know unless you ask. Thats how I roll. ”

Thanks!:flowerforyou:

dbrightwell1270 · June 2014

I hope I don't come across as overly critical but I think it needs a lot of work.

My first thought is that you lead with good ole country values immediately after telling us about getting too close to a fwb so you want to find something more serious. Notwithstanding that, "good ole country values" is a vague and meaningless phrase. My personal experience was that women who lead with discussions of moral character or values were the ones who jumped into bed the quickest as well. I think other men in here have expressed the same sentiment in past posts.

A little bit more about your interests and your personality, what characteristics you're looking for and what you have to offer would be helpful. It seems awful vague. I also don't think it's necessary to mention your kids as a reason things may not work out. Let the conversations you have with guys that contact you work that sort of thing out.

Perhaps something like this.

I am a country girl at heart. I like to hunt and fish and there is nothing better than being outdoors. Some of my favorite experiences are [FILL IN YOUR FAVORITE EXPERIENCES RELATED TO THE OUTDOORS AND WHAT MADE THEM SPECIAL, BUT BE BRIEF].

Of course, I am a mom. My kids are very important to me. They also demand a lot of time and attention. I can't be running around in the woods all the time. When I'm in town, I like to [FILL IT IN].

I'd like to meet a guy who shares these interests. He should also be [ FILL IT IN].

The lucky man who becomes part of my life will get [TELL HIM WHAT HE WINS BUT DON"T MENTION SEX OR LACK OF IT].

AnnaPixie · June 2014

Knowing you from your posts here Crystal, I dont think your personality shines the way it does on here. For some reason, it's got a negative vibe rather than the fun and vibrant character that I think you are!!

I think David has some valuable advice, plus I just think you should snap some humour in there. (rather than just saying it, show it!!)

:flowerforyou:

dbrightwell1270 · June 2014

I think Anna does a good job of describing what I was trying to advise with the [FILL IT IN] references. Try not to make it so sterile. Provide descriptions of things you like so the guys can see your personality and get a better feel for who you are and what you're all about. Let out some of the spunk and humor while getting rid of the negative vibe.

flimflamfloz · June 2014

Good advice already, and I think you sound dismissive at times.

"If our weekends dont match it very likely wont work. It is what it is."
"I'm sometimes busy. You do it all and tell me you aren't."
"You wont know unless you ask. Thats how I roll."

I believe your profile should express all the ideas in a "positive" manner so that people are tempted to contact you. Don't forget that the "next profile" button is just a click away, so you really need to attract people rather than push them away.

bd0027 · June 2014

It sounds a bit negative. Try to put a positive spin on things. Also, I would delete the part about things not working out if your weekends do not match up. Just see where things go and worry about those details once you get to know someone. Good luck.

Tube_socks · June 2014

Completely agree! There should never be any negativity in your profile. You come off as angry, bitter or depressed. Your profile should describe your passions, why you're unique, etc. We all have flaws but we don't need to advertise them. Eventually, he will see you're a busy gal or that your weekends need to match but that's what intimate conversations are for.

When I've seen negative profiles from women (Like the famous... "If you're looking for a hook up, look elsewhere!!!" Or whatever) I just hear and see a barking mean dog lol. You should be sweet, open, and it should feel as if you were smiling. After all, that's how we are when we meet a man in person (that we like).

farmers_daughter · June 2014

Well David, to make matters probably worse it's an ex, it's that whole concept of I don't wanna sleep with somene new yet, so I'm going to go back to old comforts. I dunno how else to explain that. (edit: I don't wanna be that one that jumps into bed, that's why alot of them get weeded out on the first date) I do see the irony there though.

But alot of you are right tho, there is alot of negativity, I have a bad habit of if it didn't work with a date, I go back and re-write it and state the reason it didn't work as a "fact" - moreso taken in a negative light. Hence the weekends, and I'm busy comments.

Keep the suggestions coming, I'm gonna take another shot at it and when I'm done I'll post it in the comments again.

farmers_daughter · June 2014

Knowing you from your posts here Crystal, I dont think your personality shines the way it does on here. For some reason, it's got a negative vibe rather than the fun and vibrant character that I think you are!!

I think David has some valuable advice, plus I just think you should snap some humour in there. (rather than just saying it, show it!!)

:flowerforyou:

Oh Anna..... I

you, I'm so glad my true spunky personality does come out!

Moe4572 · June 2014

Knowing you from your posts here Crystal, I dont think your personality shines the way it does on here. For some reason, it's got a negative vibe rather than the fun and vibrant character that I think you are!!

I think David has some valuable advice, plus I just think you should snap some humour in there. (rather than just saying it, show it!!)

:flowerforyou:

Oh Anna..... I you, I'm so glad my true spunky personality does come out!

Crystal...I thought the same as Anna...reading that profile--never would guess came from you from what personality you show here...You seem upbeat, and positive most times on here, and profile came across as negative and defensive...the others already gave great advice on how to fix it :glasses:

dbrightwell1270 · June 2014

Crystal, I think you explained your situation a little more in response to something JT wrote in another thread. Forgive me if I am off base but it kind of sounds like you are just ending a "relationship" with an ex because it wasn't meant to be anything more than comfortable but you realize it isn't going to last long-term and you are afraid you are developing too much of an attachment.

If that is an accurate or close to an accurate summary, I suggest that you take a break for a while and collect yourself emotionally. My biggest complaint about Match was that I met a lot of women who were looking to not be lonely rather than looking to find a something serious.

That really isn't a problem if you are honest and upfront about it. You can find a lot of guys who would be more than happy to have a long-term hook up. However, it's not really the best mental state to attempt to find something more serious. I don't see how anyone can distinguish between "you don't smell bad, you have the right sexual plumbing and you treat me okay so I'll guess you'll do." and "I can't stop thinking about you. When will I see you again?" if he/she is out there looking because of a fear or annoyance from being alone.

farmers_daughter · June 2014

Honestly David, I think I know, but it's a good possibility I don't. I split with him over a year ago, only in the past 4 months or so have we decided to hook up for the purposes of physically getting our rocks off? lol. I ended it with him because oh my how do I shorten this... he has an addiction, which has caused his judgement to be fouled. I was told one too many times that after a certain date, he would probably look for someone else that was a size 8, and didn't have kids. (Again I know incredibly confusing since you don't have the whole story) but...I knew there wasn't a commitment of a monogamous relationship with him. It was very much what's in it for me on his side. Which makes it hard because we did have such a great connection....Ugh....anyways.....

What's holding me back from new people/dates is the dissapointment, and how much it makes me self conscious, when really... I know I'm fluffy, but I'm also not bad looking, and I've got a bag of awesomeness in tow. :drinker: I do really care about him and I truly don't see that changing, it's a pro and a con at the same time. When I love, it's unconditional. I may not drop everything for him in the future, (well except my drawers - LOL! ha ha see what I did there) omg I really just said that. typed. :noway: but if the deal were serious then well. I'd be there.

I did do what you are asking though, I completely took that year to figure me out, figure out who I was, what I was interested in, caught up with friends and family and I actually became friendly with alone. It's not such a scary thing. I wish I'd have done that whenI was 19.
I'll agree there are alot of women and many moons ago I used to be one that was just afraid of being alone. I guess I see it kind of business like, there's value add in everybody, how can I add value to your business and how can you add value to mine? LOL

farmers_daughter · June 2014

Here's another shot. It seems very rough draft though...

I am a genuine, independent, country girl at heart. I enjoy the outdoors, whether it’s camping, figure 8 races/demos or hunting and there’s nothing more peaceful and exciting when the fish are biting!

I enjoy having little bonfires in my back yard on the weekends, and when my kids and I go fishing we always bring a camera, so people will believe our fish stories! I tend to be a little sarcastic, and sometimes humorous, but I swear my fishing stores are always true!

It’s always nice if I can share interests with a guy. I prefer my guy to be mechanically inclined – one, because it’s hot , and two because...honestly I’m used to guys being able to fix stuff.

For that lucky guy who joins me in my adventure in life, you will be getting a woman, who is trustworthy, spunky, responsible, self sufficient, isn’t afraid of space, and loves unconditionally.

sweetcurlz67 · June 2014

Much better!

now you have me thinking that I need to re-write MINE!!! UGH!

MissingMinnesota · June 2014

I like the new one but don't really like the line

It’s always nice if I can share interests with a guy. I prefer my guy to be mechanically inclined – one, because it’s hot , and two because...honestly I’m used to guys being able to fix stuff.

I don't know how to word it different but the whole being used to guys that fix stuff comes off wrong to me Maybe say something about finding a it attractive when a guy is good with his hands or something but you don't want it to sound like you are looking for a handy man.

Tube_socks · June 2014

Crystal, this whole thing makes me sad. I know you know this but you do realize you're WASTING your life (days, weeks, years) on somebody who is incapable of giving you what you want and need. I don't understand why women would do this to themselves especially if youre not married to the dude. Hopefully one day you'll set yourself free from this situation. Hopefully you won't regret this dedication you have to this man too badly.

I was married and was so unhappy being treated badly. He also had an addiction and we were completely codependent. Again I was married to him for 10 years and he was very much part of my family but it wasn't until it hit me that I was using MY precious time and years on a man whom yes, I loved but I was loving him and his addiction (enabling) more than I was myself. I stuck around for 3 years after I knew it was over. If I could go back I would had grabbed my dignity long before that. Now I see that he has issues and though to love someone means to be there, there's also a line where you no longer can do anything for them and you're actually hurting them more by sticking around. I was his comfort and he was my security against being alone.

I have no fear of of being alone now! I love men and I'm deeply in love with my pilot now and all but it's soooo different. He's not the air I breath.

You need to get into some counseling or at the very least do some reading. Codependent No More and Women Who Love too Much are great.

Sadly, if you don't realize you're part in this, you might keep attracting troubled men. I once read this and I completely agree. Broken attracts broken. No sane guy will put up with an unhealthy woman and vice versa.

I don't mean to be offensive at all. And again, I know you know!!! But get it through your thick head.... You deserve better. You need to cut contact with him and move on once and for all. You're losing out big time and you'll never regain this time.

farmers_daughter · June 2014

Diana, no offense taken, it's all good. I like it when people make me think. Well sometimes. lol
I think this is why my therapist is pushing that I get back out there and try again. I think she sees the progression, and I do too, but I'm slowly as the night and day has progressed...figuring out little things. I am typically an all or nothing person so it's hard for me to find that balance of relationship or no relationship. I truly don't want to cut him from my life, and she agrees, but finding that balance I have not. (Even though I thought I did) So I've got some things to accomplish, goals that we set to figure this out, updating the profile being one.
And the part about sticking around only hurts him. Yes, it does I know it does there are not a lot of people that understand that but it goes back to the whole Martyr chapter of those books.

And from that all or nothing mindset, I've found this place call ME! I've learned a few things from the co-dependent books (broken toys broken dreams is a good one) I've read. And you are correct my head is mucho thick!!!

But, I don't know that I've missed out on anything yet. I've put my focus on me, turned it inward, I swear I've checked out every single person online that is within my "criteria" that I've chosen, and I periodically check back for new fish. I'm always leaving phone numbers, I'm the first one to get out and flirt, my friends tell me how I'm oh so brave.... But no one has taken the bait. - Part of that is I do go outside of my I don't wanna say league, but something like that, people with zero similar interests or values if I know them etc. But the ones that I do pick and meet them, just haven't turned out.

Ugh. No I know what you are saying, just have to recap everything that I've done to get to this point.

OperationSuperKAT · June 2014

Also, you are beautiful! You are a spunky, adorable redhead. I don't want to hear any more about you being fluffy :laugh:

In all seriousness though, you mention it every time you start talking about yourself. I don't think it's helpful, and I have found that I have only been able to care enough about changing my body since I have learned to love it. You are a bright, fun woman, and I just want you to be happy :flowerforyou:

Tube_socks · June 2014

Diana, no offense taken, it's all good. I like it when people make me think. Well sometimes. lol
I think this is why my therapist is pushing that I get back out there and try again. I think she sees the progression, and I do too, but I'm slowly as the night and day has progressed...figuring out little things. I am typically an all or nothing person so it's hard for me to find that balance of relationship or no relationship. I truly don't want to cut him from my life, and she agrees, but finding that balance I have not. (Even though I thought I did) So I've got some things to accomplish, goals that we set to figure this out, updating the profile being one.
And the part about sticking around only hurts him. Yes, it does I know it does there are not a lot of people that understand that but it goes back to the whole Martyr chapter of those books.

And from that all or nothing mindset, I've found this place call ME! I've learned a few things from the co-dependent books (broken toys broken dreams is a good one) I've read. And you are correct my head is mucho thick!!!

But, I don't know that I've missed out on anything yet. I've put my focus on me, turned it inward, I swear I've checked out every single person online that is within my "criteria" that I've chosen, and I periodically check back for new fish. I'm always leaving phone numbers, I'm the first one to get out and flirt, my friends tell me how I'm oh so brave.... But no one has taken the bait. - Part of that is I do go outside of my I don't wanna say league, but something like that, people with zero similar interests or values if I know them etc. But the ones that I do pick and meet them, just haven't turned out.

Ugh. No I know what you are saying, just have to recap everything that I've done to get to this point.

Hugs!!!!

kimad · June 2014

This is random... is the FWB that ex that would only see you like every second weekend type deal? and could only see you because he had a restraining order?

If yes, I AGREE WITH YOUR FRIEND!!! need to get out there

I say that with only love in my heart -- but you know that!!!

I like everyone's suggestions!!! good luck

meshashesha2012 · June 2014

Well David, to make matters probably worse it's an ex, it's that whole concept of I don't wanna sleep with somene new yet, so I'm going to go back to old comforts. I dunno how else to explain that.

you shouldnt have to explain that. your profile should be about YOU and what YOU are looking for, not what you're NOT looking for. like others have said, dont focus on the negative

and to paraphrase a really good friend hetero male friend of mine, if a woman is putting in her profile how she's not going to sleep with you, then dudes will take that to mean the opposite since usually people's expectations of what they are going to get says more about them than what they might necessarily be getting.

Single Peeps!

I'm going to hang it all out here.....

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