Check In June 24, 2014

KarenZen
KarenZen Posts: 1,430 Member
Hello duckies,
Checking in from sickville today. As expected, cold went to chest and turned into walking pneumonia. Before I turned 40 and got Still's, I was never sick. I could roll around in a bathtub full of germs and snort viruses and never even get a sniffle. Now, if someone coughs in an elevator in a building three blocks away, I catch it! And because I'm immunosuppressed, BAM!, within 48 hours I go from sniffle to pneumonia. So today I am pasty gray, confined to the house, and taking giant horse-pill antibiotics and enjoying their colon cleansing effects. Hopefully the worst will be over by Thursday so I can enjoy my rescheduled colonoscopy. Eat your hearts out, ladies and gents! I expect a ten pound loss by Friday and the cleanest colon east of the Mississippi!

Why yes, wouldn't it be nice if someone else started the thread? Someone who wasn't obsessed with her colon?

My sister arrived last night--I am so happy!!!!--and she'll be here until July 6! She is also in recovery from an eating disorder, so we have good food rules set up and are excellent supports for each other.

Soooooo. .. conversation starter....
Someone in the group messaged me about compulsive overeating, and in looking up some resources f or her, I read that eating disorders are almost always psychologically grounded in low self esteem.

Here's my question... what role does low self esteem play in your own weight struggles? What are you doing to address it? Do you think achieving a healthy weight will "fix" you?

K.

Replies

  • KarenZen
    KarenZen Posts: 1,430 Member
    Oh, good topic, Karen!

    I've always had healthy self esteem about my intellect (as they say in Maine, I'm wicked smaht! ), my work ethic, my physical strength and stamina, and my compassion for others. Underneath, though, I'd have to say there's a lurking beast that wants to devour. I've hated my fat body for as long as I can remember. I think, too, that I only see my value in doing for others, not just being who I am. I find myself going WAY overboard to make sure people think I'm fabulous. It's not really a conscious choice--more of a lifelong habit--of jumping in and saying, "I can fix that!" Then I get to be the hero and feel good about myself for another five minutes.

    I don't know how to fix this. I think I need some kind of spiritual epiphany. Right now, I am my mother's daughter and I hear her self-loathing and flagellation in my own voice every day.

    I honestly think that the universe gave me Still's to teach me this lesson, because if I can love and value myself in this enormous, crippled, sickly body, how powerful is that?

    K.
  • catladyksa
    catladyksa Posts: 1,269 Member
    Oh, good topic, Karen! lol...first off sorry to hear you are under the weather. If you were here...where I am with what you have, you would be in the isolation room ruling out MERS !!!!

    Ok, for your questions:

    What role does low self esteem play in your own weight struggles? Although I am generally happy being me......I do think that having a low self esteem has made my weight issues escalate. I also, like you Karen, go a bit over the top in making others happy, ensuring they are ok, taken care etc, and sort of have not taken care of myself. I also jump in and try to fix things or help out. I seem to have been 'everything for everybody'...especially at work. So to reward me....I eat!

    What are you doing to address it? Well, I have decided to make more 'me' time and take better care of myself. It is easier for me as I don't have any significant other to take care of or deal with. I have also learned to say 'no'. And what a difference that has made. In my previous jobs....I was always helping anybody and everybody.....spread myself to thin. Nowadays, I limit my participation to only those things that I want to do...really want to get involved with. I still help out others....don't get me wrong, but I am limiting what I do for others so I can do more 'for me'. Hope that makes sense!


    Do you think achieving a healthy weight will "fix" you? No....I have made a conscious choice on how to deal with my low self esteem...take better care of me. When I achieve a healthy weight......I will be a healthier ME!!
  • NorahCait
    NorahCait Posts: 325 Member
    Karen, I hope you have a speedy recovery now that you've got some antibiotics! I'm glad you've got your sister there now and you're such good support for each other. That's really wonderful to hear!

    I'd say I had good self-esteem until I was about 10 or 11. I saw myself as a friendly, smart, and capable girl, and I don't think I really thought about how I looked. I started to get self-conscious after that, and then with puberty came depression and anxiety. I hated how I looked, I didn't see myself as a good friend or daughter, my grades tanked, and I just felt worthless. I was always chubby, but in middle and high school I felt fat and disgusting. I don't remember when I started bingeing, but I do remember trying to hide how much I was eating early in high school. Over the years, I definitely treated food like a comfort and I would binge regularly. I'd feel awful about it and try to hide evidence of it. There was a LOT of shame. For years and years, I didn't see anything good about myself.

    This last fall was a low point for me. My depression had gotten out of control and I had badly messed things up with school and work. I finally got some good help for that (including a medication that actually works, fancy that) and from November to April it was a slow road to getting better, with lots of ups and downs. Sometime in April, something clicked, and I felt like I was worth... something. It was worth it for me to invest in myself -- to spend time and energy to get and keep myself healthy.

    When my depression was really bad, my dad kept telling me to think about all the other people in the world who were in my situation, and to think about how they felt about themselves, and to ask myself no matter what they felt or what they did, did I think they still deserved to be loved and happy? Maybe it finally got through to me that I deserved that same compassion.

    I still really struggle with feeling like I'm worth *other* people's time and energy, but at least now I think I deserve my own. I don't think I could have gotten where I am now if I didn't feel that way.

    I don't think achieving a healthy weight will fix me. I think that it will be one more experience I can add to the list of things I've been able to accomplish, which I think will help me feel like I am capable of accomplishing other things.
  • blondageh
    blondageh Posts: 923 Member
    I feel terrible for you, Karen! No fun at all. :-(

    I almost didn't answer this because lately I haven't been into self reflection.. It just seems like too much work... But I went ahead and get ready for a book.

    I have been at a healthy weight and no, I did not have a good self-esteem. It was lousy. I was so young though. I was still comparing myself to the 4's & 6's that were the norm for girls my age. I am just a big girl. Tall and big, Even at a healthy BMI, I still felt Amazon. And THEN when I did get complements and people tell me how beautiful I was etc., I still wasn't the girl getting asked out. I just was too shy and I absolutely HATED my personality. I hated that I would clam up and be awkward. I hated that no guys would want to talk to me. I thought but "hey, everyone says how pretty I am, I guess I am only pretty to 40 year old ladies and creepy old men", certainly not attractive to young, eligible guys. Must starve myself more. More starving = more mental illness = more personality disorders = more shyness = take more pills = eat less = act even more nervous = VICIOUS CYCLE.

    When I was younger, before all of this even, I guess you could say we had a semi dysfunctional household. I don't think it was that bad at all, but I did attend some Al-anon meetings as a kid and they said I was the "Hero" in the family, but I was also a very "Lost Child". I was definitely the good one. I was the one excelling in school and sports. I could do no wrong and made my parents very proud, but, I constantly was searching for the next big thing to win or do to make them proud. I had to keep it up, to make the family happy, to keep it together or else I became the Lost Child. The one who just sat in front of the tv and ate while they got drunk. My poor sister was the opposite. She acted out or just left. She had to sit back and watch me get all the attention and then would scream it was because I was fat that they gave it to me. Finally, she just stopped coming home. She was really lost.

    So, my esteem was very short lived. Only lasted for a brief moment and then gone completely. It was never genuine because I never believed it myself. I only believe was my parents thought. If they said I was good or did good, then that meant I was good. When I didn't hear that from them or stopped hearing it, then I no longer believed it. When I did go to therapy, they said I had the emotional maturity of an infant and I can see that in some ways. I never learned how to love myself. I still don't really know. I still look to others to raise my self-esteem and that is why it is so difficult to be married to a man like my husband who never gives complements.

    I don't have the answer on how to raise it. I didn't grow up with the proper tools and I don't know if I can learn them now. I do know that losing weight will help a little, I will be proud, but it will only last for a moment just like when I was a kid. When I am alone and all the applause has died down, there will be no one left but myself and I do not know how to cheer for myself.
  • KarenZen
    KarenZen Posts: 1,430 Member


    When I am alone and all the applause has died down, there will be no one left but myself and I do not know how to cheer for myself.

    That is so sad and so perfectly said. I want to write a song using it.
    Hugs to you, Heather.
  • KarenZen
    KarenZen Posts: 1,430 Member
    Oh, ladies, I am very grateful for your honest discussion today! Your experiences and emotions are so familiar; thank you for sharing.

    My Sis and I just had a long chat about this topic, especially how to break old habits, and I think our solution is to tattoo instructions on our inner arms. Something like, "I am a Codependent minimizer. Do not allow me to loan you money, take care of your children, spend the entire day listening to your tales of woe, or volunteer to take on your problems." The other arm might say, "Karen, are you rested, warm, fed, hydrated, and comfortable? If no, fix or ask for help." This would be my equivalent of laundry instructions on a clothing tag, LOL!
  • blondageh
    blondageh Posts: 923 Member
    When my depression was really bad, my dad kept telling me to think about all the other people in the world who were in my situation, and to think about how they felt about themselves, and to ask myself no matter what they felt or what they did, did I think they still deserved to be loved and happy? Maybe it finally got through to me that I deserved that same compassion.

    That is an awesome Dad.

    My mom told me to stop being so selfish and get some help, all with the most disgusted look on her face one could imagine.

    This really helped though. I see it now. My whole world came crashing down when I was graduating college and had nothing to look forward to. The grades were done, all that hard work and there was no pay off at the end. That is where my depression and 200+ pounds came on.

    Thanks Karen for the insight! I am so glad you have your sister there to talk to and keep you company. That has to be awesome. Now to just get over the uck so y'all can go float on the lake ASAP!! I like the tattoo idea. Although you kind of spent the day listening to our woes. LOL. But you asked!! :heart: You have to definitely worry about yourself now and just know you are helping us just by being you and making us take a look at stuff even if we don't want to. It's not up to you to fix us. We have to get there on our own.

    :heart: :heart: :heart:
  • angelic843
    angelic843 Posts: 252 Member
    Here's my question... what role does low self esteem play in your own weight struggles? What are you doing to address it? Do you think achieving a healthy weight will "fix" you?

    Hello everyone,

    Sorry I have been MIA. I've been struggling...still logging...but struggling to make good choices.

    Self-esteem is an interesting topic for me. For a person who has been obese or morbidly obese for most of her life, my weight has never on the surface been something that effects my self-esteem. I mean, of course there have been times in my life when my weight got me down...shopping for clothes with thinner friends, the lack of a dating life in high school and college, sex issues.

    I distinctly remember one time in elementary school where a boy was teasing me, calling me fat. I told my mom about the incident and her response was "you telling him that you may be fat but he is an ugly person! You can lose the weight but he'll be ugly forever." That was it. I was now armed with a weapon...but to be honest, I don't ever remember saying that to another boy after him.

    My mother unlike me was skinny and built like a brick $hi! house into her early twenties. After she gave birth to me she returned to a size zero for heavens sake! As she got older and her lifestyle caught up to her she became obese...now she struggles so hard with self-esteem and self-worth. It kind of makes me glad I started out big...I don't have the nagging self comparison raging in my head like she does.

    But I have ALWAYS been extremely outgoing, domineering, and sought out the spotlight. As long as I have been alive I have been a performer. I am a musician, a singer, I do a lot of public speaking. I majored in vocal performance in college! I don't have a shy bone in my body. It's like I have this gift of being able to compartmentalize my weight. It has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I have always been confident and strong, well liked and mostly a happy, happy person and I've never let me weight hold me back. A curse because I often think had I been more self-aware perhaps I wouldn't have let things get so out of control. :-(

    I do think attaining a healthy weight will "fix" me. The small amount of sadness that I do deal with these days is always a product, rather than a cause of my weight issue. Mobility issues and the longing to ride a roller coaster...these small sadness-es would go away.

    So unless the universe has some deep seeded trauma that I have buried down below...

    Angie
  • KnitOrMiss
    KnitOrMiss Posts: 10,103 Member
    Oh, wow. I had no idea what I was unbottling when I sent the message to Karen asking about compulsive eating! Thanks, Karen, for your note of privacy, but I didn't send my message privately to you because I was scared of sharing...I just didn't have time to properly compose a post for grand consumption, and I knew from your awesomeness that you would understand my questions without me having to write out a veritable book. I find this utterly sad and duplicitously ironic that so many wonderful, fabulous ladies and gentlemen face having rock bottom self-esteem when these are the very people that for me make all the differences in the world.

    Honestly, I haven't thought about this issue in great detail to understand my own path. For a little explanation, my original question to Karen was about why if I opened the door and ate one item, why would my mind obsess about it until I gorged myself on all remaining related items... The first time I remember doing this was sneaking chocolate from the freezer when I was either a pre-teen or early teen. I've been slightly heavier than my peers since I was school aged, really. I never went through a lean/lithe phase like my daughter seems to be in now (for the last several years, her height has changed, and she has put on a few pounds, but seemingly all healthy ones)...

    I know I snuck the Andes Mints, and if I had taken only a couple, it probably would have gone unnoticed. I don't remember details, other than I convinced myself I hadn't done it, and lied to my mom and stepdad with the utmost belief in my truthful lie. Probably my next time I really though about all this was high school. I always wanted more. If I got fries at school, I always buried them in their own weight in ketchup. If I ate pizza, I ate half of a deep dish myself. We were a family of 6, so if we went out, it was usually to low priced buffets to make sure everyone was able to get enough.

    Once I moved out on my own, I didn't have the problem at first that I recall... I think I was married before I remember eating all sorts of junk in mass quantities. I was in delightful oblivion about the status of my marriage. I could put away a large jar of Nutella in a single setting. My ex called it my "liquid crack." That was around the time my daughter was born...well, after, but when she was little.

    I never really thought about my self esteem being related to any of this. Like Heather, when I was a size 8, everyone else was a size 0 or 00. But I was curvy and had large breasts (comparatively). I got the inappropriate attention there, but I was never asked out. Or if I was, it was a joke. Without realizing it, I sought out guys that were just as damaged as I was in some form or fashion. The good Catholic school boy who was great with video games but had no idea how to relate to girls. The hyperactive computer football junkie who acted like he was five. The emotionally unavailable, mentally abusive man who married me because the idea seemed good, but he loved marriage - not me. I could go on, but you get the point. I've always loved the nerds, but I think that attraction was to balance the scales. Hmm...

    In HS, I had some good close friends, and I was not embraced by many others. I was a nerdy, goodie-goodie who got made fun of for getting good grades, liking school, and all kinds of other things. But I was mostly okay with myself. I think. It's hard to remember more than 20 years ago.

    Then I graduated high school and had to take some time off before I could go back to school since I moved out of my mom's place to get the heck away from my stepdad. LONG LONG LONG story there... I hooked up with a HS crush who said all the right things, knew how to schmooze, and I was so desperate to be loved for being me, I loved enough for both of us, or so I thought. (This is the ex-hub.) 4 years into the marriage that should have happened, and he was cheating on me, and had been for a while. When it all came to light, I actually apologized to the other woman (who I thought was essentially my best friend)... WTF, right? Yet, when my ex asked for a separation, then asked if I had anywhere I could go, I told him, "if you want to leave me, you find somewhere else to go." Yes, my family lived in town and his didn't, but that SO wasn't my problem. Fast forward back to the cheating, and I took him back... We had our daughter after that, and things were good for a while. Then they weren't.

    Then one morning, I woke up and realized I went from being my parent's kid to my siblings' sister to my ex's girlfriend, then wife, to my daughter's mother...and I had no idea at all who Carly was. It scared the hell out of me. So, I set out to reclaim me. Through this process, I have mostly lost my siblings, parents, old friends, and my daughter (the ex was more or less gone by this point). No one liked the idea that my universe didn't revolve around them anymore (my daughter, especially). I got called a crazy *****, a horrible, hateful person, and all manner of other insulting names. I used to laugh because it amused me that when I got tired of being everyone's doormat or whipping horse, that automatically made me a *****... Probably at least in part because of how I set the bar before that... So I'd made myself as my own worst enemy.

    I do have crazy spells where I am so down on myself it is ridiculous. They don't happen as often, and when they do, not as intensely, but I know I'm still not who or where I want to be. I'm the only one who can change that. I think I've gone so long not believing I could do anything that when I do, I convince myself that has to be someone else who did it - that wasn't me, it really wasn't a big deal at all, because how could I have done it, etc. I just don't know or understand this, because I would say I don't have bad self esteem. Mostly, when I look straight on in the mirror, I like what I see. I can rock an outfit feeling like the bomb.com. I can go somewhere and feel awesome, but like others said, it doesn't last forever. Sometimes I'm good for days, weeks, or months, but I always come back to not believing in me...

    Lost in Translation, somewhere....Carly

    Oops...left off the other answers. What am I doing to change this? Well, being part of this discussion for one. Self exploration. Trying to dig deep... I don't know what to do beyond what I'm doing.

    Will a healthy weight "fix" me? No, will I be "fixed" when I get to a healthy weight? Yes. And I say that because I know I will never achieve my goals without fixing me in the process and along the way. My weight is a symptom my mental/psychological struggles, not the other way around. I know that as long as I have all this mental BS baggage, I can never achieve my goals fully.
  • NorahCait
    NorahCait Posts: 325 Member
    Speaking of self esteem and related issues, I'm currently on campus to talk to my senior seminar advisor. I've failed that twice because I stopped showing up (thanks, depression). I'm shaking just thinking about talking to her. Being here brings back all of those feelings of worthlessness. I know I'm doing world's better than I was even 3 months ago, but I'm still so scared. I'm scared that I will fail again. I'm scared that when I have to be in classes and working, I won't have time to exercise and I'll eat more poorly than I do now. I'm scared that my anxieties surrounding this will trigger binges. I'm scared that all of the progress I've made recently will fall away and I'll end up worse than I was 8 months ago, and I don't know if I could survive that.

    Sorry that this post is such a downer. I just needed to vent somewhere. I've had a really rough day (just lots of little things going wrong and feeling tired/sad for no reason) and facing this would be hard on a GOOD day.
  • andysdream
    andysdream Posts: 54
    As for me, I feel that at a very young age my self concept was broken. I am not sure of the exact details causing the trauma, but I have never felt worthy and deserving of affection just the way I am. I too am a people pleaser, trying to win some ones acceptance at the expense of my own needs. When eventually I realize that people pleasing fails, I feel used up, angry, and depressed. Food is my drug of choice. I could have just as easily chose alcohol or drugs. I use food to self medicate and to numb the pain. No. Weight loss will not correct the underlying problems. But I hope it will improve my health, and for now that is enough.

    Andrea in Pennslyvania
  • Macrelmar
    Macrelmar Posts: 49
    HI Karen, read your post and I apologize I'm not up to going through all the replies now but I will. : ) Rough day, mom's 82nd birthday and we met with grief counselor from Hospice today, with my dad who is the patient. It was sad but I'm grateful for the time. I didn't sleep well and when I'm overtired my world is not a pretty place. : )

    My experience is getting to a healthy weight did not make me happy, despite the lifetime of thinking "if I were only thin, if I looked good, could wear nice clothes, felt good, I'd be happy" NOT SO!

    low self esteem, low self worth took me to a place (in my head, in my heart) that only knew depression, despair, self hate. It wasn't until I participated in a support group with others like me, people with eating disorders, that I knew I wasn't alone, that there was hope.

    I am 80 lbs overweight and happier, (not satisfied but generally grateful, feeling blessed) than when I was looking good and wearing the pretty clothes. It was great being to be thinner, but my head and my heart were still in the wrong place.

    Think I'm rambling, will read all the posts this evening. Thank you all for being here.

    Karen, I hope you feel better!!! My dad has no immune system, something he's struggled with for a lot of years.

    Maryellen, grateful in Florida
  • Macrelmar
    Macrelmar Posts: 49
    Andrea, right there with you, food is my drug of choice, if not food, something/anything else as long as I could stuff the feelings, the loneliness, depression, isolation…

    maryellen in florida
  • Macrelmar
    Macrelmar Posts: 49
    Norah, I feel your pain, your fear. Fear can paralyze me. Talking helps, getting it out of my head! Sometimes, I have to tell the negative committee inside my head to sit down and shut up. giggles… Read that recently and it's something that I relate to.

    Message or email me ANYTIME! : )
  • My self-esteem has improved greatly in the years since I met hubby. He's the one that taught me that I am worthy of love. It also improved when I started distancing myself from my mom. She rarely brings anything positive to my life. The only reason I see her at all is because 2 of my sisters are still minors.

    The only negative thought left were about my weight. I could even avoid those most of the time if I avoided mirrors.

    I actually find it kind of funny that this is today's topic. Since I come here to vent my stress and negative feelings, I figured I should share some positive as well.

    Today, I caught a glimpse of myself, naked, in our big mirror (that I've avoided since starting this journey). My usual response to this is to hurry away while thinking, "I look disgusting." Today, I took a good long look while thinking that I'm looking pretty good. The rest of the world may not think so, but they don't know where I've been. If 30ish pounds lost made that much difference I can't wait to see what 40, 50, 60, etc. pounds look like.

    ETA: I pretty much worked on my mental state first before committing to this journey. I could still benefit from therapy (I have symptoms of PTSD but I'd have to see someone to get officially diagnosed) but I can't afford it at the moment.
  • loriarty
    loriarty Posts: 33 Member
    Hi Karen! I know it sounds super generic, but I really hope that you start getting better very soon.

    I have "undiagnosed" social anxiety. I put undiagnosed in quotations, because technically my doctor hasn't like really diagnosed it, she just gave me anxiety pills to see if it would help me, because I explained what was happening. And I sometimes attribute that to my weight. Honestly, one of my biggest fear is, I'm going to lose this weight and realize that the anxiety is still there. Right now, it's just easy to blame it on the weight. I'm worried to go here because what will people think of me. But what am I going to do when that shield is gone? Though I feel that the gym has truly been helping me. I mean I go at a time where I'm mostly alone, however just getting up the courage to leave the house is one step, then if someone happens to be there, I have to try and convince myself to stay, and then to finish the cardio and push myself so I'm actually working out. So here I am, finally getting comfortable enough to be all breathing heavy and sweaty. And tonight I took another big step and even tried the weight machine while another person was there. So hopefully these baby steps will help me.

    And cosplaying has really helped with my self esteem. Especially this year. The recent con that I went to was smaller, and people were complimenting my costume and asking for pictures of me. Just to explain this, at a lot of cons, it feels that the slimmer girls get the attention, people want pictures of them more. And I'm in no way putting those girls down, they look AWESOME. But it's quite disheartening to work on a costume then barely get any recognition, and you know it's because of your size. So to go to this one with all these people stopping me for pictures, it really gave me a boost of self esteem.
  • KnitOrMiss
    KnitOrMiss Posts: 10,103 Member
    Hugs all around. I hope to be able to make time to reply to everyone as these are some very important issues. Work has me tied up for the next while, but know that love, hugs, and positive thoughts are flying at you straight out of SW Oklahoma - and yes that means you - ALL OF YOU crazy folks just like me....

    Love and hugs, Texas style ('cause you know everything is bigger in Texas....),
    Carly
  • mikesgirl4evr
    mikesgirl4evr Posts: 363 Member
    Yesterday was a crazy, busy day and I didn't get a chance to check-in. I may be a little late to the party, but wanted to reply anyhow. I read through everyone's responses and it still amazes me how we have so much in common for a group of people that until a couple months ago didn't even know each other.

    "Here's my question... what role does low self esteem play in your own weight struggles? What are you doing to address it? Do you think achieving a healthy weight will "fix" you?"

    For me personally, low self-esteem plays a huge role in my weight struggles. Up until about the age of 8 I was a normal developing child living a happy go lucky life. Then my uncle began to abuse me sexually. My self-esteem and self-worth took a hit. Then something happened that made my little 8 year old mind believe that my parents knew about the abuse but yet it continued. To me, I wasn't worth them caring about and stopping the abuse. My self-esteem and self-worth took a HUGE hit. I began to eat out of comfort and as a means of protecting myself. Eventually, my food became everything.....my best friend, comforter, reward, you name it. The kids constantly made fun of me which didn't help. By the 4th grade, I had size C breasts so that didn't help at all. I had very few friends and no one that I could truly trust. I was constantly the target of cruel gags. I remember in the 8th grade, a boy I really liked sent me a note asking if I could meet up with him one evening. Since we lived far from town, that wasn't possible and when I told him that, him and all of his friends got a hysterical laugh out of it and he proceeded to say, "like I would meet up with you anywhere anyhow." Talk about being crushed. I never dated through high school, college or the years after. The first person I dated, I ended up marrying (HUGE mistake), When I finally divorced him after 13 years of mental and physical abuse, I realized I had never loved him I simply loved the idea of being married. I truly believe that when he proposed somewhere in my subconscious I thought that he was probably my only shot at marriage and the happy ending that came along with it. So, I married him. I wasn't worthy of real love. It's eleven years later now and I continue to struggle with my self-esteem and self-worth. I also continue to struggle with my drug of choice.....food. I honestly believe that food addiction is the worst of all addictions. Alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts, etc. can separate themselves from the cause of their addiction. Food addicts have to face their drug a minimum of 3 times a day and it is essential to staying alive.

    I am also a people pleaser and the one the superhero who can fix anything/take on any job. I constantly am looking for praise from others because that's where my value comes from. I have to learn to not rely on praise from others but instead be able to praise myself and be satisfied with that. I also have to learn to like myself because I don't, even after losing 200 pounds. I used to live by the frame of mind....if I could just lose weight _________........but now I know that losing weight is not going to "fix" anything. In some ways, losing all that weight has actually made some things worse. I've never liked my fat body but after losing all of the weight I now have a saggy body and sometimes that's worse. All the sagging skin makes my clothes not fit right and a lot of times people still look at me as fat because of it. Sometimes I hate this body more than the fat one. I have to remind myself that this body is a healthier one and that does help. Being with Michael,, who loves me for just who I am flaws and all has been a start. He is constantly reminding me that my opinion and input are important and that he wants them. I'm not used to that so it is really hard for me. But I'm working on it. I'd have to say that's the biggest thing that we are working on in therapy. Some day I will love me for who I am and know that I am worth it.

    Sorry to ramble but it felt really good to get all of that out there.

    Dee in MO
  • KarenZen
    KarenZen Posts: 1,430 Member
    Thank you, Dee, for your story. I am also amazed by our commonalities. I'm also amazed by how articulate we all are! SMART, STRONG WOMEN!!!!
  • blondageh
    blondageh Posts: 923 Member
    Your story hurts my heart, Dee. I am so glad you found someone who loves you for who you are now.